THE WEREWOLF OF THE USO - episode 13 (Patreon)

THE WEREWOLF OF THE USO - episode 13

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER The Werewolf of the USO, episode 13

SHIP’S BELL RINGS - 2 BELLS - 9PM

ANNOUNCER Mac, Duke, Bertie and Rose - along with photographer Drew Carson and mystery man Zorion - are crammed into Kalea's cab, racing into the storm to try and catch the murderer of Joanette Ferrel - that being Antoine Cordonnier - now revealed as Anthony or "Tony" Shoemaker.

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1. IN CAB

SOUND RACING CAR NOISE, BUMPY ROAD

SOUND RISING WIND

MAC Can we put on any more speed, Kal?

BERTIE I say, Mac, if he speeds up, he won't be able to see a fallen limb or anything.

KAL You saw the roads before this all started.

ROSE I'm with Bertie. If we already know where Antoine's going, it doesn't matter how far ahead of us he gets.

MAC It's a wild guess anyway, Rose, but we can't wait until after the storm blows over, or he'll have time to dig in and hide.

KAL Why you think he going to Schumacher plantation?

ZORION [muttered in the background] Amaya is there. I must protect her.

ROSE Oh, Zorion.

MAC It's the names, Kal. The original writer of the screenplay over at Rampart turned out to be Tony Shoemaker, and that - plus one other little detail - connects right up to the Schumacher family, and the estate.

DUKE And when you're on the lam for murder, there just ain't no place like home.

BERTIE Not to mention that Cordonnier is French for Shoemaker.

ROSE You've got to be kidding!

BERTIE It's an obscure enough word for such casual French as I have, so I confirmed it with a call to a French haberdasher in Honolulu.

KAL I thought people only did that in movies. You know, use same initials and stuff.

CARSON Initials are usually cuz of monograms. No one wants to buy all new stuff, or explain why he calls himself John Smith but his pajamas say D.W.

KAL Maybe they’re hand-me-downs.

BERTIE While it's hardly unheard of to inherit or purchase garments second hand, Kal, there's some items that are simply too personal.

ROSE On top of that, removing a well-embroidered monogram is worse than stitching one on. [pause] I bet none of you men even thought of that.

[a moment]

ROSE [sigh] Why didn't Antoine - Anthony - Tony - admit he killed Joanette by accident and just try for a sympathetic jury?

MAC Panic, at first, I'm sure. He went into high gear to try and find a way to pin the whole thing on someone else - namely, Oscar.

DUKE [sarcastic] Button, button who's got the button?

MAC Actually... I do. Here. It was from Oscar's vest. But I had it on good authority that it was planted by Antoine when he and Oscar “found” the body.

ROSE How can you be sure?

MAC I spoke with a witness who found her first, but couldn't come forward easily, and I believe when they said they had no doubt that her hands were empty.

BERTIE So you simply ignored the very existence of a piece of damning evidence? That must have driven Antoine quite round the bend.

MAC [chuckles] Precisely. Your suspicions about his false accent, plus his fervor in trying to unearth that planted clue that would hang Oscar, made me decide to put the pressure on.

DUKE That, plus the fact that Mac wanted me to get a chance to take a little poke at him and see if he folded.

ROSE [amused] Folded? He crumpled!

MAC Don't feel too bad for Tony, Rose. Even if killing Joanette was an accident, he cold-bloodedly tried to get Oscar in hot water by framing him for the crime.

KAL This is almost as good as Charlie Chan.

ZORION We are getting close, I can feel it.

CARSON Who is this guy anyway?

ROSE His name is Zorion, and he's my bodyguard. For now, anyway.

CARSON Clear as mud.

DUKE Say, Mac, I betcha we'll find some kind of wolf getup when we find where Antoine was bunking. Do you think he was living back here at home and trekking all that way to work every day?

ROSE He does have a car handy.

BERTIE Good point.

MAC I'm of the opinion he'd stay in a nearby hotel instead. He seems to have the means to do so, and with Oscar's concern about the rival film crew shooting out here, it would be too suspicious for him to have even the slightest connection.

CARSON Oh, say, speaking of wolfmen, Mac you got enough light to see this?

SOUND PHOTO OUT OF POCKET

MAC Hand it over. Hmm.

ROSE What is it?

MAC Crime scene photos.

CARSON Not for the faint-hearted, miss.

ROSE Just call me Rose. And I'll call you Carson. [sweetly catty] Unless you prefer I call you what Persia calls you?

CARSON Carson is fine.

MAC So these are the injuries?

CARSON And here's the face.

SOUND ANOTHER PHOTO

MAC Yup. That's the woman I met in the camp cook tent. Wardrobe Mistress. Too bad.

ROSE Oh, not if you heard what I heard about her and her cronies. She was in the thick of it with the blackmailers, according to Darlene.

MAC It looks like they decided to terminate her employment. Literally.

DUKE [eager] So...? Does it look like werewolf bites? I mean if it did, then that would turn your theory about separate crimes on its head, and maybe give Antoine a lifeline.

CARSON No soap, Duke. Dr. Lo came along, he's the one who cleaned those up a bit, to get a clear look, and he says while the patterns of wounds look superficially like bites, they were done one at a time with something like shears.

EVERYONE [general revulsion]

CARSON [quickly, to make it better] He also said that she was probably strangled first, then it was all... ya know… done...

BERTIE That is certainly a relief. Criminal that she was, she didn’t deserve to suffer. It's funny, at first I thought Antoine was somehow mixed up in the blackmail scheme, since Madame Ting said the man behind the blue movies was a Frenchman out of Tahiti, but I simply could not reconcile that with his execrable accent.

CARSON Frenchman? Sherman was babbling something about a Frenchman. He said some guy told him how to say werewolf in French, but he was pretty well potted by then. You saw him.

DUKE He was walking on pink clouds, all right.

MAC That could still be a big clue. When we get back, Sherman might be able to recall the man's name or face.

CARSON The way he was, if Shermie remembered his own name that night, I'd be flabbergasted.

DUKE I'm just relieved to finally have proof that I ain't gonna be sprouting fur and howling at no moon.

ZORION Of course not. I told you.

KAL We're here.

SOUND BRAKES, CAR STOPS, ENGINE TICKING

DUKE Lookee Mac, the gates are wide open!

BERTIE As if they were inviting us in.

KAL Well?

[a moment]

MAC Drive on in. There must be a place closer to the house to park the cab. Make sure to turn the car around when you do, in case we need to make a quick getaway.

KAL [meaning "obviously"] Does a coconut hurt when it drops on your head?

SOUND CAR STARTS MOVING AGAIN, VERY SLOW

MUSIC

SCENE 2. OUTSIDE IN THE WIND

SOUND HEAVY WIND

[NOTE: both are talking over the wind]

LULU We have to get inside!

TIMOTHY I’ll stay with the crew.

LULU Even the actors don’t want to stay crammed in with the crew. They’re all inside waiting for us.

TIMOTHY I hate it in that place!

LULU I know. Do you think I love being under the eyes of the aunts? But the storm isn’t going away soon, and we can’t stay out here!

TIMOTHY But--

LULU The crew are going to have to come in, too, if this goes more than a day or two.

MAC [from a distance] Hey!

TIMOTHY [exasperated] What now?

LULU Ooh, it’s the handsome squad! Now you have someone to protect you from the curse, dear brother. [calling] Hello! This way!

SOUND RAIN STARTS PELTING

LULU And just in the nick of time.

MUSIC

SCENE 3. GRAND FOYER

AMB BIG ROOM, REVERB

SOUND MANY PEOPLE ENTER

SOUND WATER DRIPS

LULU Welcome to the grand foyer of Chateau Schumacher. The ticket booth is on the right, gift shop is on the left. Please leave all hope at the door.

TIMOTHY Forgive Lulu’s sense of humor.

ROSE Why?

ZORION [eager] Where is Amaya?

CARSON Easy, boy. You go after a girl full tilt like that and she’ll just run away.

MAC Thanks for letting us in. It was just starting to come down as we pulled through the gate.

BERTIE I say, if the whole house is like this, it should be a delight to look around. Museum quality, indeed.

DUKE I’m just happy to make it in without getting too wet.

TIMOTHY  What brought you all out here in this weather?

MAC First, we wanted to make sure that, isolated as this place is, you got word of the impending storm.

LULU We do have telephone lines and a radio. The place just looks Gothic.

MAC [a little flustered] Fine. Then we’re here looking for Anthony… [sudden realization] Your twin brother, Timothy, if I’m not mistaken.

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

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SOUND MUSIC TURNS DARK

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SOUND MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER That's why the Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T FAST! [fast effect] Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has. FAST [fast effect] offers the most reasonable travel insurance rates and is opening more offices every day to make sure you get where you're heading. Put your money where your life is, with FAST.

SCENE 4. GRAND FOYER

SOUND MANY PEOPLE, A FEW STEPS

MAC I know he’s family, but he’s wanted... for murder.

TIMOTHY Murder? Tony?

LULU I can’t say I’m surprised, except that it shows a lot more initiative than Tony usually has.

BERTIE It was probably unintentional, but it was murder nonetheless.

LULU Did he run someone down in that red roadster of his?

MAC Nothing quite that… accidental, unfortunately. Is he here?

TIMOTHY I don’t know.

MAC How can you not know?

DUKE [bluffing] Darndest thing you mentioning that car of his, since we saw it parked on the way in.

CARSON We did?

DUKE [trying to hint] You might notta been looking in the right direction, but I shore enough was.

CARSON [catching on and bluffing] Oh, is that what you were pointing at?

TIMOTHY I haven’t seen Tony. But I haven‘t been in the house. Not til we just came in.

ROSE Zorion and I are also here to make sure Amaya is ok. Is she around?

MAC We can deal with that later. I doubt we’re going anywhere any time soon.

KAL Not in this crazy rain. Not in my cab.

MAC Could Tony get in, without you being aware of it?

LULU [laughs] The place looks like a castle, but it’s hardly impregnable, and we had to let the sentries go. There are dozens of ways in and out, and even more places to hide. Tony could be right in this room, and we wouldn’t even know!

BEATRICE [off a bit, at the top of the stairs] Who are all your friends, Timmy? I thought the actors were already ensconced in the ballroom.

ZORION [quick gasp] Amaya is in the ballroom?

ROSE We’ll find her soon.

TIMOTHY Aunt Trixie, these are, um – Some people lost in the storm, and we can hardly turn them away.

SOUND SLOW STEPS AS BEATRICE COMES DOWN THE GRAND STAIR

BEATRICE I suppose we can put them in the servants wing, but you know it’s not been cleaned.

LULU [quiet] They do have servants, they just live in the guest rooms, these days.

BERTIE Don’t you mean “we”?

LULU Oh, I moved out on my own simply ages ago. They don’t appreciate my pinko beatnik leanings. Won’t even speak to me. I’m just in town for the filming.

MAC Let’s be practical. You say there’s a number of entrances. Do you need any help closing everything up for the storm?

TIMOTHY I honestly hadn’t even—

BEATRICE [close by, now] That would be lovely. I’m sure Hilda and Gideon would appreciate some help. Especially so many young, able-bodied gentlemen.

ROSE [to Lulu] Is that the servants you mentioned?

LULU [to Rose] Yup. And they’re both about 80, so the help will be critical. [louder] Mac, why don’t you take one of your friends and go that way on through into the conservatory. I think Gideon was in there. Maybe another pair of you gentlemen can make your way down that hallway to the kitchen and Hilda can point you from there.

ZORION Where is this ball room?

LULU If only a guy would fall that hard for us, eh Rose?

ROSE Hah. You better point us that way.

LULU A few steps up into the grand dining room, and on through the gallery.

BERTIE I say, this place is really rather like a Victorian exhibit.

LULU Yeah. It’s all been here since the family actually had friends to party with.

TIMOTHY [muttered] Before the curse.

LULU [riding over his comment] Ok, Everyone! Timmy and I will take the second floor. The rain won’t get any less rainy!

MUSIC

SCENE 5. CONSERVATORY

SOUND WINDOWS RATTLE FROM THE RAIN

MAC This looks like the place.

KAL That is a lottawindows. I hope we don’t have to cover them all.

GIDEON [shaky old guy] Who are you?

MAC Lulu sent us to help. Are you Gideon?

GIDEON Yes, sir. Do you by any chance know anything about machinery? This crank over here is supposed to operate the shutters, but I can’t seem to get it to move. I fear the upkeep has been spotty at best.

KAL I’ll give it a kick or two.

MAC Let me take a look, first. I’m good with machines.

MUSIC

SCENE 6. KITCHEN

SOUND TEAPOT WHISTLES

DUKE [calling] Hello? Anyone around?

CARSON [calling] Your tea is having a hissy fit.

DUKE Look Carson – on the floor over there!

SOUND QUICK SCUFFLE OF FEET

CARSON She’s still breathin, anyway.

DUKE This must be Hilda.

HILDA [waking up noises]

CARSON Help me get her into a chair. [noise of exertion] Uuup!

DUKE [strains, too]

HILDA [a gasp of surprise and shock] Oh dear, am I dead?

DUKE Uh no ma’am. We’re here to help.

HILDA [big sigh, as if disappointed] Ohh. Well, you can start by turning off the stove.

MUSIC

SCENE 7. BALLROOM

SOUND DOOR OPENS, ZORION SURGES AHEAD

ZORION [accusingly] There is no one here!

ROSE Maybe we took a wrong turn. That gallery was kind of confusing.

BERTIE Nonsense. This is clearly the ballroom. Perhaps the actors just stepped out to help with the windows.

ZORION Amaya was here.

ROSE Can you… tell… which way she went?

ZORION [takes a long breath] No.

SOUND ZORION PACES AROUND THE WALLS, THROUGHOUT SCENE

BERTIE Looks like there’s bedding set up for 5 people, along the wall there. I wish they’d given us some names of who we’re looking for.

ROSE There’s a guy named… um Kingsley, but I think that was his character in the movie. We hardly got formally introduced after Zorion jumped him.

ZORION He struck Amaya.

ROSE I know. How many times do I have to explain “acting” to you?

ZORION [arch] Do you say they are now merely acting like they are gone?

ROSE Wow.

BERTIE That is the single longest sentence you’ve said since we met. My apologies if I’ve been underestimating you, Zorion.

ROSE Me too. Look, Zorion. I promise I will do my best to help you get Amaya to take you seriously. I can’t promise she’ll love you, since that’s completely up to her. But I’ll really help.

ZORION Good. My thanks.

MUSIC

SCENE 8. GRAND HALL

SOUND UNUSUAL DOOR OPENS [NEEDS SPECIFIC UNIQUE SOUND]

BEATRICE Are you all right in there, Tony, dear? I brought you a snack. And your shaving kit.

TONY [ANTOINE] It’s a bit stuffy, auntie, but fine. Thanks.

BEATRICE I know, but with these people in the house, we can’t have you anywhere they might be able to find you. I'll send Hilda along later with some cocoa. You do still drink cocoa, don't you?

TONY [ANTOINE] I'll make the best of it, Auntie.

SOUND UNUSUAL DOOR CLOSES SLOWLY

BEATRICE Cocoa will make everything better.

SOUND SHE BUSTLES OFF

MUSIC TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER Trapped by high winds and pounding tropical rain in a cursed house with a family of eccentric filmmakers? And a murderer trapped inside with them? How will Mac, Duke, Bertie, and Rose, and their friends Carson Drew, Zorion, and Kalea Kahananui weather this storm? Join us next time for Episode 1 of the exciting new serial "May the Oysters Grieve."

END