May the Oysters Grieve, episode 2 (Patreon)

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 2

SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING

ANNOUNCER                After splitting up and helping secure the Schumacher mansion in the face of the oncoming tropical storm, Mac and Kalea returned to the foyer to meet up with Duke and Carson and Lulu, the mysterious black sheep of the family, only to have Bertie and Zorion storm in, and announce that Rose has gone missing.  Again.

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          GRAND FOYER

MAC                              [urgent] Rose missing?  When, Bertie?  Where?

BERTIE                          Honestly, Mac, she was standing there one moment, and when I took another step, she was gone.

DUKE                             Look, fellers, you know very well that Rose can handle herself.  We should make certain sure that this house is all sealed up tight before we go running off like tick hounds on a hot scent.

MAC                              All right, Duke, I won’t go off half-cocked.  A minute or two won’t make any difference, anyway.  Lulu, are there windows upstairs that need more manhandling?

LULU                             We got everything shut up tight.  As long as [slightly snide] grandad and Auntie Beatrice handled everything in their rooms.

MAC                              Beatrice?  Ma’am, do you – I mean, um, you’ve shuttered your windows, I assume?

BEATRICE                      [too inviting] You can come up and check, Mac.

CARSON                        Please, ma’am.  His kid sister’s missing!

MAC                              Thanks Carson.  Wait, Lulu, what about the other one – your aunt Bethany?

BEATRICE                      [mean] Bethany has her own little house out at the edge of the manor grounds.  She doesn’t like being in the main house we all grew up in.  But now she’s stuck here with the rest of us. 

MAC                              She can’t get back to her home?

LULU                             Not safely, in this wind.  No need to worry – Mr. Akamai will have closed all her shutters soon as the alarm went up.  His house is right next to hers.

MAC                              All right, then we can focus on finding Rose.  Duke, can you hold down the fort here, while Bertie shows me –

ZORION                        We will show.  Amaya is also gone.

BERTIE                          Zorion’s right – he knows just where we lost her.

MAC                              How can people just go missing, anyway?

TIM                               [fatalistic]  It’s the curse.

EVERYONE                    [slightly shocked/surprised noises]

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          “DUNGEON”

SOUND                          DISTANT SOUND OF MACHINERY, DOWN LONG HALL

[note] The actors are all clustered around the door Amaya opened for them, listening.

LARRY                           [panicking] What is that?

CECILE                          You know very well what it was, Larry!  Amaya yelled – she might be hurt!

IDA                                [a bit afraid but determined]  If you come with me, Cecile, I’ll go look.

CECILE                          [mirroring her, like a comedy routine, out of habit]  And if you come with me, Miss Ida, I’ll go, too.

MARJORIE                    Knock off the vaudeville and go already.

CECILE                          [snappy] Let’s make Marjorie go.

IDA                                [giggles]

MARJORIE                    You’re both so funny I forgot to laugh.

AMAYA                         [suddenly close by]  Why you all stand here?

LARRY                           [startled yelp]  Ahh!

CECILE                          You are one sneaky pete, Amaya.

AMAYA                         I found door.  Come.

IDA                                What was the mechanical noise?  Just before you yelled?

AMAYA                         [dismissive]  Danger, but we can avoid.

SOUND                          ABOVE, A TRAP DOOR OPENS

ROSE                             [falling through]  Aahhhhhhhhh…

SOUND                          BODY HITS STRAW, BEHIND THEM IN THE CELL

MARJORIE                    Who the heck is that?

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          GALLERY, ON THE WAY TO THE BALLROOM

SOUND                          TALKING WHILE THEY WALK

LULU                             Most of these paintings were brought over by my great-grandmother, or so the story went. 

BERTIE                          Some look rather valuable, due to age, if nothing else.

LULU                             Maybe, but I think they’re mostly copies.  There was a portrait painter around here in the 20s who painted the whole family, one by one.  Which might seem ludicrous, since my mother and her two sisters were identical triplets, but he managed to capture each of them, somehow.  This one is Bethany, in green, looking over her shoulder out the window.

KALEA                           Funny!  We met her back in hall and she seemed ... kinda ethereal maybe right word, and picture is perfect.

MAC                              That must be Beatrice, stern and statuesque in royal blue.

LULU                             Yes, but there’s still something in her eyes, like she’s hiding everything she ever felt deep inside.

MAC                              And the third one is your mother?

LULU                             In the pink dress, yes.  I always wondered why the painter chose to make her so far away, as if she was already disappearing, even when he met her.  [quietly]  Even before we were born.

MAC                              Maybe we shouldn’t have left Duke to hear the story of the family curse.  You know how he gets.

BERTIE                          Duke likes a good story, but, superstitious as he is, he’s quick to come around when presented with evidence. 

KALEA                           [skeptical] Bruddah kinda convinced he gonna turn wolf, after he was bit.

LULU                             The family curse is … real.  But it’s not supernatural.

MAC                              Care to elucidate, Lulu?

LULU                             Let’s find your sister first.  I think I know how to get where she’s gone.

BERTIE                          “How” to get there?  What an odd way to phrase it.

LULU                             This house has many secrets.  I’m sure even I haven’t found them all, and believe me, I tried.  Hidden passages and trapdoors might even be the least of it.

KALEA                           Why you send people to room with trapdoors?

LULU                             I – honestly, I forgot.  I haven’t been here for nearly five years, and it all just seemed like a bad dream.

MAC                              As long as Rose and the others are all right—

LULU                             Stop.  We go left here.

BERTIE                          Left?  There’s no door, just a painting.

SOUND                          CLICK, AN UNUSUAL DOOR OPENS

LULU                             This life-sized portrait of great grandfather.  Just touch this orchid in the frame.  It’s a button that unlatches it.  Inside—

SOUND                          THEY ALL STEP THROUGH

LULU                             [continuing] –this sconce.  Turn it 10 degrees to the right to open the door again.

MAC                              Ten degrees?

LULU                             Yeah.  Turn it much further and there’s another trap door just here.  Hmm.  I honestly can’t recall where that one drops you.

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          “DUNGEON”

SOUND                          GATHERING AROUND THE NEWCOMER

ROSE                             [groan]

CECILE                          Give her some room!  Girl gotta breathe!

MARJORIE                    You give her some room.  I know how to administer first aid.

IDA                                You play nurses a lot, don't you?

MARJORIE                    Shut up!

ROSE                             Just – just let me sit up.

AMAYA                         No blood.  Rose is well.

ROSE                             Amaya!  I was looking for you, but I didn’t plan to fall in on top of everyone.  [deep breath]  Well, I don’t feel like anything’s broken.  Waitaminute!  Bars?  Is this jail?  Again?

AMAYA                         [barks a laugh]  Like before!  Yes!  Leaving now.

SOUND                          AMAYA WALKS AWAY, WAITS FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO JOIN HER

IDA                                We’d best keep up.

ROSE                             Sounds good to me.

MUSIC

SCENE 5.          GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          TIMOTHY SHUFFLES AS HE PACES

DUKE                             All right son, you ready to spill the beans?

TIM                               What beans?

DUKE                             I mean tell us about this curse you’re so het up on.

BEATRICE                      It’s nothing.  Timothy’s imaginative.  Always has been.

DUKE                             [command]  Let the feller talk.

TIM                               It’s – our family, this house, is cursed.

BEATRICE                      [shrill]  Who would have cursed us, Timothy, answer me that!

TIM                               It was a local witch doctor – a Kahuna. 

CARSON                        [skeptical] Really?

BEATRICE                      [trying to shut him down]  Hogwash.

TIM                               Great Grandfather took sacred land.  He also stole a huge black pearl from a big tiki idol.  The native islanders swore to take it back.

CARSON                        How huge is huge?

TIM                               The size of a golf ball.

CARSON                        [awed, but casual]  Not bad, for an oyster’s indigestion.

BEATRICE                      There’s no such thing.  It’s all hogwash.

DUKE                             Let’s pretend it’s jen-u-wine [genuine] for now.  What’s this tiki curse supposed to do?

TIM                               [reciting, haunted]  If the pearl ever leaves the house, the house will fall to pieces.  That’s the curse.

BEATRICE                      No!  I will not stand here while my nephew slanders my grandfather and this family.  This curse is pure fiction - and not even good fiction.

TIM                               The curse is real.  [quiet]  She was supposed to be married.

CARSON                        She?  Your aunt here?

BEATRICE                      Do not--

TIM                               [getting slowly louder]  And something happened.  The engagement was broken, and none of the other rich families on the islands would even speak to them any more.

DUKE                             To “them”?

TIM                               We were only just born about then, so I only know what I’ve managed to overhear through the years.  I always figured it was something to do with our father, who died before we were born. 

DUKE                             That’s you and Tony?

TIM                               [a little dodgy]  Uhh… yeah.

CARSON                        And your mother never married?

TIM                               Uhh… yeah.

MUSIC

SCENE 6.          CELLAR HALLS

SOUND                          DOOR CREAKS OPEN

MARJORIE                    I knew it!  Didn’t I say this was a dungeon?

LARRY                           [sarcastic] Lots of dungeons in Hawaii, Marjorie.

CECILE                          Rich white folks build whatever nonsense they want.  So these ones wanted a dungeon.  No wonder Timmy don’t like being in the house.

IDA                                He’s a dear boy, but definitely needs a bit more backbone to make a proper director. 

MARJORIE                    Probably why he brought his witchy friend in.

CECILE                          Lulu is his sister.

MARJORIE                    Or something.

AMAYA                         [muttered, matter of fact] Lulu knows change.

ROSE                             [quiet] Like you do, Amaya?

AMAYA                         [quiet] No.  Not wolf. 

LARRY                           [tired] Are we gonna stand in the door gossiping all night, or get moving?

CECILE                          You first, Larry.

SOUND                          MOMENT OF SILENCE, NO ONE MOVES

ROSE                             Amaya, is it safe?

AMAYA                         Stay. 

SOUND                          COUPLE OF AMAYA’S STEPS ON STONE, ONE ON HOLLOW WOOD

MARJORIE                    Why is she stopping?

ROSE                             Ssh.

SOUND                          LIGHT TAPPING ON THE WOOD FLOOR, AS SHE FINDS THE EDGES.

AMAYA                         Dropdoor here.

ROSE                             [exasperated] Another trap?

IDA                                What sort of idiot puts such dangerous things in their own house?

CECILE                          [agreeing]  I thought Hollywood was full of crazy folks.

SOUND                          TRAPDOOR SPRINGS, DROPS, SOMETHING SMALL HITS BOTTOM AFTER A MOMENT

EVERYONE                    [reacts, gasping or crying out, but we don’t know yet if they fell]

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was an abandoned roadside stand selling van seats?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than an instant of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST! [fast effect]  Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 7.          GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          TIMOTHY PACES FASTER

TIM                               That’s why we’re all cursed.  The house is cursed.  We have to stay here, but I never come into the house, to keep from being … doomed.

DUKE                             [skeptical]  Doom, is it?

TIM                               Can’t you feel it?  It’s like the whole place hates us. 

CARSON                        A house is a house, Timothy.  All I think, looking around, is how this would make a great photo shoot.  Those stairs are classic.

DUKE                             Oh, yeah, you get some models or some chorus girls – them stairs could be loaded with lovely legs.

BEATRICE                      Stop talking such vulgar hogwash!  No one is taking photos here, and no one is cursed!  Timothy – you go to your room!

DUKE                             [almost finding it funny]  What?

TIM                               [like a kid] I will not!  And I can’t anyway – MY room is in MY house.

BEATRICE                      Up!  Go!  Now!

DUKE                             Ma’am, with all due respect, this fella’s a grown man and maybe you should treat him like one.

BEATRICE                      [turning on Duke]  You can walk right out that door, too, mister!  You and all your nosy parker friends!

CARSON                        Miss Beatrice, you can’t be heartless enough to send a bunch of helpless refugees into the teeth of the storm, can you?

BEATRICE                      Watch me!

SOUND                          SHE STORMS OVER TO THE MAIN DOOR

TIM                               If they go, Aunt, I go too.

BEATRICE                      Go then.  You can walk your backside all the way to your precious Hollywood for all I care, young man.

SOUND                          BEATRICE WORKS THE LOCKS ON THE DOOR

DUKE                             Fine.  If we’re leaving, then I best go ‘n fetch Mac.  He’ll be madder ‘n a burr-stung bull if he don’t have a say in all this.

SOUND                          FRONT DOOR OPENS, WILD RAIN AND WIND

SOUND                          WATER SPLATS IN ONTO THE FLOOR

CARSON                        Don’t be hasty, ma’am—

DUKE                             Leave it, Carson.  She’s gone plumb loco.

BEATRICE                      [screechy]  I will not be insulted in my own home!

GRAMPS                       [at the top of the stairs, somehow echoey]  But it’s not yours, is it, daughter?

MUSIC

SCENE 8.          PASSAGES

SOUND                          STRING BEING KNOTTED

LULU                             This will keep us from getting lost. 

BERTIE                          A ball of string?  Shades of Theseus.

LULU                             He always got the credit, but it was Ariadne who suggested it.

BERTIE                          I stand corrected, mum.

LULU                             We screwed these eyelets into the walls every place we explored.  Low down, so no one else would notice them and take them away.  I still remember twisting them in by hand until my fingers bled.  [shakes herself]  Come on.

SOUND                          THEY ALL WALK SLOWLY IN ODD HALLWAY

MAC                              What is this pipe?  It goes along the wall, but never branches. 

BERTIE                          Not standard plumbing, then?  Oh, I say – on a closer look, the pipe can’t be carrying water or gas or anything, really – it has holes every few inches.  Perhaps it’s a primitive sort of fire suppressant?

LULU                             I never really thought about it.  It’s just always been there.  Mainly in this system of passageways.

MAC                              Just the one line of pipes?

LULU                             I think so.  I don’t remember any place where it overlaps itself or anything.  [shrugs]  I suppose the only one who knew everything about the house was great grandfather.

MAC                              What was Timothy saying about a curse, Lulu?

LULU                             Poor Tim.  He has such a limited view of things.  He’s never left here – not for more than a few days. 

BERTIE                          Here?  You mean the house?

LULU                             [correcting him]  The property.  He took a cue from Aunt Bethany a few years ago and had his own little place fitted up for him, to avoid spending any time in the big house, but he’s never really been anywhere or experienced anything.  Probably why his script for The Island Howls was kind of … unusual.

KALEA                           He need see world.  Meet wahine.  Grow him up.

MAC                              [agreeing]  Put some hair on his chest.

LULU                             [slight snort of laughter]  I don’t know if it goes with the red hair, but the men in our line don’t tend to … hirsuteness.

ZORION                        [almost accusing] Your hair is black.

LULU                             [amused] No one in Hollywood has the hair color they were born with!  And they make such lovely indigo black dye.  I think this is where we turn.

KALEA                           I see why got string. 

LULU                             Yeah.  I used to know this one, at least, but it’s been a while. 

MAC                              This one?  What do you mean?

LULU                             I know of at least three different, completely separate, hidden hallways like this.  Three networks that don’t connect, I mean.

MAC                              Why is this place riddled with secret panels and trapdoors?  Do you know?

LULU                             Gramps might, but I don’t think even my aunts know much about that.  I don’t recall them ever leaving the main hallways unless they had to – like if one of us got lost.  Hmm.  [thinks]   Or maybe it was Gramps who came for us.  [shrugs]  We three used to know all the easy places to hide, and what to avoid. 

KALEA                           Trapdoors?

LULU                             Mostly.  Then, one time, Timmy got lost for a few days, deep in the basement, and no one could find him.  I think that’s what started him on the whole curse idea.  Poor kid.

[a moment of just walking]

MAC                              Are you older or younger than the twins?

LULU                             It’s not really done, is it?  To ask a lady her age.

MAC                              My apologies.  You just sound like an older sister is all.  I know the feeling - having to track down Rose every once in a while.

LULU                             I’ll admit to being a good deal more mature than Tim.  But I’ve lived in the real world, and that will age anyone.  Especially where I’ve been.

ZORION                        [gasp]  Amaya was near.

MAC                              Where?

ZORION                        This way.

MAC                              Hold on, Zorion.  What’s down that way, Lulu?

LULU                             Um…  I don’t know…  I have this vague feeling that door was always locked.  And where’s your British friend got to?

MUSIC

MUSIC TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER                Bertie missing?  Duke and Carson about to be driven into the storm?  Rose in a dungeon with Amaya and the other actors from Silhouette Pictures?  Will Mac and Zorion find them?  And what of the family curse?  Is it hogwash, or a very real doom stalking the secret passages of the Schumacher Mansion?

END