MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 3 (Patreon)

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 3

SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING

ANNOUNCER                When last seen, Mac, Kalea, and Zorion were following Lulu deeper into the secret passages of the Schumacher Mansion, Rose and Amaya were with the actors in the house’s underbelly, in a  dungeon chock full of trap doors, and Duke and Carson were about to be evicted by Aunt Beatrice – leaving them to the tender mercies of a tropical storm.  Oh, and Bertie’s gone missing.

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          SLOW STEPS, ECHOING, AS GRAMPS COMES DOWN THE STAIRS

CARSON                        [whisper]  Not as photogenic as we were imagining, eh?

DUKE                             [snickers, then whispers back] You photographer fellas.

BEATRICE                      [Furious, trying to sound reasonable] Father.  These “gentlemen” were just leaving.

TIM                               [sullen]  They’re my guests.  She can’t toss them into the storm.

GRAMPS                       [putting her in her place] Boy’s right, daughter.  Hospitality is sacred.

BEATRICE                      They’ve been outright insulting--

CARSON                        I can only speak for myself, folks, and maybe Duke here, but I never intended to be insulting. 

DUKE                             Miss Beatrice here took pow’rful mad that Carson and I were listenin to Tim talk of some family curse, and then she started in, ordering us right out the door.

GRAMPS                       Curse?  Oh, that old thing.  Timothy gets strange notions in that head of his.  I suppose that’s why he fancies he has a chance as a writer.

TIM                               [muttered response]  I’m making a movie, grandfather. 

GRAMPS                       [dismissive]  You’re paying to make a movie.  I can pay to have a house built – It hardly qualifies me as a bricklayer.

SOUND                          HE TAKES A FEW SLOW BUT FIRM STEPS CLOSER

GRAMPS                       Now, you gentlemen.  What exactly brings you all the way out here on a dark and stormy night like this?

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          BACK HALLS

SOUND                          ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS – BERTIE ALONE

BERTIE                          I turned my back for a single instant, and something shifted.  I swear this entire place is like some kind of hall of mirrors.  I half expect someone to shout presto-change-o around the next corner and appear in a bally puff of smoke.

SOUND                          TURNS TO THE SIDE, FOLLOWING WALL

BERTIE                          I suppose a quick look round might be in order.

SOUND                          LIGHTER FLICKS, BURNS

BERTIE                          Oh dear.  Not a landmark in sight.  Just these blasted walls, twisting off as far as I can see.

SOUND                          LIGHTER CLOSED

BERTIE                          No use wasting precious light.  [firming breath]  Hmm.  Right hand against the wall again, and off we go.

SOUND                          BERTIE’S SLOW STEPS, HANDS SHUFFLING ALONG WALL

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          MYSTERY HALL

SOUND                          SLOW PROBING STEPS

LULU                             Stay back, Mac, guys.  At least out there I know where most of the tricky bits are.  This door was always sealed shut. 

MAC                              Maybe we should stay on the beaten path, then, Lulu.  There’s no need to go exploring.

KALEA                           Any chance Bertie got ahead and went off there?

ZORION                        [quiet] Not Amaya, not Rose.  Not here. 

SOUND                          ZORION MOVES AWAY, QUIETLY

MAC                              I’m sure we would have seen Bertie if he passed us, Kal.

LULU                             There’s no guarantee we would have even noticed.  These halls are maddening.

MAC                              Then we need to make sure we don’t get split up any further.  The only way to be sure is to keep a tight grip on one another.

LULU                             [teasing, but a bit wistful]  You want to hold hands, Mac?  It’s so sudden.  [laughs]  All right, put ‘er there.

SOUND                          SLAP OF HANDS TOGETHER

MAC                              Kal?

KALEA                           Last place I wanna be is lost.  You gotchoo.

SOUND                          HE GRABS ON

KALEA                           Zorion?  Uh-oh.

MAC                              What?

KALEA                           Uhh… I don’t see him.  He gone.

MAC                              Blast!  [deciding noises, then sighs]  I think we have to assume he decided to follow the string back to the gallery.  We’re not likely to find him if he doesn’t want to be found.  [another heavy sigh]  Lead on, ma’am.

LULU                             Once more into the breach…

SOUND                          THEY START SHUFFLING FORWARD AGAIN

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          CELLAR HALLS

[note:  Rose and Amaya have jumped over the open pit, and Cecile is just about to join them.  Marjorie, Ida, and Larry are still on the far side.]

SOUND                          CECILE’S QUICK STEPS, ENDING WITH A JUMP, AND LANDING

CECILE                          [jumping]  Aaaayup!   [landing] Uh!  [heartfelt]  Thank you, Lord!

AMAYA                         Make space.

SOUND                          CECILE STUMBLES A COUPLE MORE STEPS

ROSE                             Come on, Ida.

IDA                                I – I really can’t.  I’m far too old to make that jump.

MARJORIE                    If you fell in there, the only way out would be to climb that pipe, and it’s awfully narrow.

IDA                                Climb?  Me?  Oh, my dear lord. 

ROSE                             We’d find a way.  There must be rope somewhere.

LARRY                           I wonder if those boxes at the bottom would break your fall.

AMAYA                         Jump over!

MARJORIE                    Get out of the way, then.  [louder]  Make some room over there.

SOUND                          SHUFFLING MOVEMENT AS MARJORIE GETS TO THE EDGE

CECILE                          I knew you were low, Marge, but—

MARJORIE                    What am I supposed to do?  Carry her on my back?  If it’s every man for himself, I’m the only one looking after me.

LARRY                           [panicking] I can’t carry her!  I- I mean, I’m sorry Ida, but—

AMAYA                         [annoyed growl]  Clear space!  [sound of jumping] Aaayuph

SOUND                          SCUFFLE AS AMAYA JUMPS BACK OVER

AMAYA                         [to Rose and Cecile]  Ready!  [grabs Ida and hurls her]  Catch!  Graaaaah! 

IDA                                [screams in terror]  Waaaaahhhh!

CECILE                          [grabbing on, afraid]  Yahh!!!

ROSE                             [surprised]  Eek!

SOUND                          SEVERAL FEET SCUFFLE, SMALL BODY DROPS GENTLY TO THE GROUND

CECILE                          [catching her beath, but shaky]  My stars, that’s one strong female.

IDA                                [muffled, shaky]  I would very much like to never do that again, please.

ROSE                             [agreeing with both]  Yeah. 

MUSIC

SCENE 5.          GRAND FOYER

DUKE                             Before we kick off this hoedown, I’m thinking proper introductions are in order.  I’m Ephraim Carlyle – but everbody calls me Duke.  My pal here is—

CARSON                        Drew Carson.  Reporter at large, but – [waits a sec, then  is sincere]  BUT I’m not looking for a story here.  We’re just seeking shelter from the storm, [half joking] and I promise to overlook anything short of murder.

BEATRICE                      [haughty] If you want to waste your time with this riffraff, father, I shall see myself out.

SOUND                          SHE STORMS AWAY, BUT STOPS WHEN HE SPEAKS

GRAMPS                       Beatrice?

BEATRICE                      [trying to control strong emotion] Yes, father?

GRAMPS                       [clearly a command]  You are welcome to remain in your room until lunch tomorrow.

BEATRICE                      [gasp, then makes a huff noise and leaves]

SOUND                          BEATRICE’S STEPS, THEN DOOR SLAM

DUKE                             [whispered]  How can a full growed woman let herself get treated that way?

CARSON                        [whispered]  Guess who holds the purse strings?

GRAMPS                       [imperious]  What was that, young man?

CARSON                        Nothing, sir.  It’s your house, you make the rules.

TIM                               [strange giggle]  It’s not, though.

DUKE                             What?

GRAMPS                       [annoyed sigh]  Timothy, perhaps you’d best retire to your room, as well.

TIM                               [quiet but oddly firm]  No.  The house belongs to all of us.  [starting to shake with fear or tension]  I am not yours to command.

CARSON                        [deliberately distracting]  Uh, sir, what should we call you?  I mean, we’re hardly gonna call ya “gramps”.

GRAMPS                       [slight snort of laughter]  I find Gramps acceptable, even from non-relatives.  It’s more respectful than simply calling me Peter, which is my given name, or Mister Schumacher – which applies equally well to my pathetic grandson Timothy, here.

CARSON                        Sounds good, Gramps. 

DUKE                             Say, Gramps, is there any better place for holding a palaver?  This big, echoey foyer don’t exactly lend itself too well to serious conversation.

MUSIC

SCENE 6.          KITCHEN

HILDA                            [snoring]

SOUND                          STRANGE DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

AMAYA                         [slightly muffled command] Come.

ROSE                             You found a way out!  Amaya, you’re a champ!

SOUND                          THE ACTORS AND ROSE ENTER THE KITCHEN

HILDA                            [wakes with a shriek, then keeps breathing heavily while she gibbers]  Who – oh dear – what’s – oh, I just can’t –

ROSE                             I’m guessing this is the kitchen.  Are you Hilda?

HILDA                            My heart just can’t take it!

ROSE                             I’m Rose, and these are the actors.  From the movie. 

CECILE                          [prompting] Tim’s movie.

ROSE                             [agreeing]  Tim’s movie. 

IDA                                [concerned] Do you need some help, Miss Hilda? 

CECILE                          I’ll get her some water, Ida.

SOUND                          CECILE RUNS WATER INTO A CUP FOR HILDA, UNDER:

IDA                                Good idea, Cecile.  Ma’am, we all just want to get back to the main hall.  Is it this way?

HILDA                            That door, there.  But how many people am I supposed to be feeding?  I’ll never get anything ready, this way!

[a moment]

IDA                                Well… I, for one, will feel a little less like a freeloader if you let me help with the cooking. 

CECILE                          Here.  Drink.

SOUND                          CECILE GIVES HILDA THE CUP

HILDA                            [sipping]  You’re a lifesaver, girl.

CECILE                          [half sigh, then matter of fact] Kitchen’s probably the safest place to be, to stay clear of pits and things.

HILDA                            Oh, it is. 

LARRY                           That’s a relief.

MARJORIE                    See?  No one boobytraps their own food, Larry.

IDA                                Why don’t Cecile and I stay and keep this good lady company?

MARJORIE                    Don’t count me out, Ida.  I’m just as tired of walking as you are.

IDA                                [undertone]  Not by decades, you’re not.  [louder] Have a seat, then, Marjorie dear.

SOUND                          MARJORIE PULLS UP A CHAIR

MARJORIE                    [overdramatic sighs as she sits]

HILDA                            You young folks can fetch and carry for us.  Did you say your name was Ida?  I had a distant cousin named Eda.

IDA                                [playing along]  So did I!  How unusual.  [change of tone]  Larry, are you staying?

LARRY                           Uh, I’ll stay for a bit at least.  I can help … carry.

AMAYA                         Rose?

ROSE                             I still need to find my brother, Amaya.  Mac always gets a bit nuts when I disappear.

CECILE                          Always?  You vanish often?

ROSE                             It’s a bad habit. 

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was a strange diner with a large rodent as a mascot on its sign?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a second of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST! [fast effect]  Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 7.          BACK HALLS

SOUND                          BERTIE’S SLOW SHUFFLING STEPS, HAND ON WALL

BERTIE                          [gasp]  Light!  Good gracious Bertram, old boy, could I have made my way to an exit?

SOUND                          QUICK FEW STEPS

BERTIE                          [disappointed] Oh.  What is this, a cloudy window?  I seem to be looking into a – well, a boudoir.  Oh!  Someone’s in there.  Hmm.  She doesn’t seem to see me. 

SOUND                          MOVEMENT IN THE NEXT ROOM, BUT MUFFLED

BERTIE                          I say!  It’s miss Beatrice, and she’s – Oh, dear, I best turn my back. 

SOUND                          HE TURNS

BERTIE                          [realizing]  One-way glass!  To her it must merely be a full length mirror.  [hums “Rule Britannia” quietly for a moment]  How long does a lady take to change her outfit?  I suppose a peek--  Oh, [definite] no.  [hums again]

MUSIC

SCENE 8.          MYSTERY HALL

SOUND                          A FEW STEPS, THEN STOP

MAC                              Why’d you stop?

LULU                             Shh.  [quiet]  Lights.  I mean that – up ahead – looks well-lit, which isn’t …normal – for down here, I mean.  It’s either dim or dark in these passages.

KALEA                           Maybe we come full circle?  Back to regular halls?

MAC                              I’d wager the regular halls aren’t locked off like this, Kal.

LULU                             [shuddery noise]  I feel like a goose just walked over my grave.  It’s just a bit… less spooky… in places I know better, you know?

MAC                              I appreciate your leading us around, but I insist you let me go first, now.  If anything does jump out, I’ll stop it.

LULU                             I’m more worried about trap doors, but the floor here seems to be solid stone.  We must have made our way down into the old foundation.

KALEA                           Old foundation?  Stone?

LULU                             When great grandfather bought the land, there was this huge stone foundation already here.

MAC                              Built by native Hawaiians?

KALEA                           Are you serious?  No.

LULU                             Catholic missionaries, is what they say.  They started building an abbey, then took sick or were sent back home.  The foundation was so well made, he just designed the house on top of it.

MAC                              I’ll still probe ahead as I go. 

MUSIC

SCENE 9.          KITCHEN

SOUND                          DISHES MOVING AROUND, PEOPLE SHUFFLING

ROSE                             Since it seems everyone’s getting on with it, I’m going to head back out to the foyer.  Calm Mac down.  [waits for response]  Ok, then.

SOUND                          ROSE TAKES A FEW STEPS

AMAYA                         [suddenly with her]  I come as well.

ROSE                             [slightly surprised]  Oh!  Well, then, it’s jailbirds on parade.  Come on, sister.

SOUND                          THEY WALK INTO HALL, LEAVING KITCHEN NOISES BEHIND

[after a moment]

ROSE                             You haven’t said anything about Zorion.

AMAYA                         Naught is there to be said.

ROSE                             He’s not awful, and he is worried about you.  Kinda cute, too, in that broody, dark-haired, shoeless way of his.

AMAYA                         Marriage needs more than pretty looks.

ROSE                             Funny how many guys don’t look that deep.  But they also prefer wives who can cook and clean and … gee, I’m talking myself out of the idea, too…

AMAYA                         Men prefer wives not make movies.  Not old-minded men.

ROSE                             You don’t even know he is as “old-minded” as your parents.  Maybe you should just have a chat with him.

AMAYA                         I said after film is finished.  He will wait or is not worth my thoughts.

ROSE                             That’s reasonable – aha!  I hear voices.

DUKE                             [distant]  Dining room sounds just fine…

ROSE                             And there’s no way to mistake that drawl.  [calling ahead]  Hey, howdy!

DUKE                             [distant]  Well!  Hold on just a gol-darned minute!  Rose?

MUSIC

SCENE 10.        MYSTERY HALLS

SOUND                          DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CRUMBLE OF RUST

KALEA                           Ugh.  Smells.

MAC                              Yeah.  Look at this.

LULU                             What?

MAC                              This.  It’s metal, like a prison door.  Complete with a slot for food dishes to shove through.

LULU                             Uhhhh…. I knew there was weird stuff in the house, but that’s… bone-chilling.

MAC                              Even more strange.  Look at this panel, where the door shuts.  It’s been closed so long that rust has built up on it – see how it crumbled all over the floor when the door opened?  And it looks recent.

KALEA                           Someone was locked up in your basement for years and years?

LULU                             I—I guess so.  I wonder who it was.  Oh, no!

MAC                              What?

LULU                             I’m not sure…  Could you look, Mac, and see if there’s anything that might give a clue?

MAC                              Of course.  Good thing there are lights in there as well.  Be right back. 

SOUND                          BIG METAL DOOR CREAKS OPEN

MUSIC

SCENE 11.        GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          ROSE RUNS IN, AMAYA IS BEHIND HER, SLOWER

ROSE                             Duke!

DUKE                             Well, pinch me like a ripe persimmon!  Rose!  And Amaya too. We’ve been gone plumb crazy, wondering where in tarnation you got to! 

ROSE                             Mac can rest easy.

AMAYA                         [quiet, amused] With sister like you?

DUKE                             He’s off somewhere—

ROSE                             Which way?  We’ll--

DUKE                             Nuh-uh.  I’m not letting you out of my sight, now that you’ve turned up again.  You know I gave Mac my solemn oath.

ROSE                             Well—

DUKE                             And we’re all heading into the dining room here, to have a lil ole sit-down chat with Gramps, the Patriarch of the house.  You wouldn’t want to miss that, wouldja?

ROSE                             [amused]  Wild horses couldn’t keep us away.  Come on, Amaya.

AMAYA                         As you say!

MUSIC

SCENE 12.        PANTRY

SOUND                          THE ACTORS ARE IN A SMALL ROOM, GATHERING FOOD

IDA                                Does this can of beans look … bulgy… to you, Cecile?

CECILE                          Need better light.  [commanding]  Basket.

IDA                                Here’s three that don’t worry me.

SOUND                          CANS INTO BASKET

LARRY                           Why would it be “bulgy”?

CECILE                          [shaking her head] Men.

MARJORIE                    [snide]  It means it’s rotten.  Here’s a bag of potatoes.

LARRY                           How do you know that?  The “rotten” thing.

CECILE                          It’s botulism, not rotten, Marjorie.

MARJORIE                    Whatever.

SOUND                          FADING WITH IDA’S LINE AS POV MOVES INTO KITCHEN

IDA                                Because women are taught to watch for poisonous food, Larry.  Men just blindly trust us to look after them.

NO MUSIC – JUST FADE OUT INTO THE KITCHEN

SCENE 13.        KITCHEN

[NOTE:  HILDA IS ALONE IN THE KITCHEN PROPER]

HILDA                            [sips tea, then calls to them]  Bring in whatever cans we have.  There’s so many people to feed.  [happy sigh]

SOUND                          PAUL’S DISTINCTIVE FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY ENTER

PAUL                             [sounds just like Gramps/Peter, but a bit spooky]  Hello, Hilda.

HILDA                            [she thinks it’s Peter]  Oh, sir!  I was just supervising those folks – they offered to help, since we’re putting everyone up for the time being.

PAUL                             Of course you were…

HILDA                            [pleased agree] Um-hmm.

PAUL                             …resting your lazy carcass, you old cow.

HILDA                            W-why would you--? 

SOUND                          PAUL STARTS MOVING CLOSER TO HER

PAUL                             [very ominous] Though I do admit your cooking has been the light of my day for soooo long…

HILDA                            [faltering]  Master… Peter?

PAUL                             [evil laugh] 

HILDA                            No!  It’s—

SOUND                          CECILE ENTERS FROM THE PANTRY

CECILE                          [bustling into the room]  There should be enough here for a couple, three days, even with everyone eating.  If it goes past that, we’re gonna have the crew in here too, and…  [senses tension]  Sorry… am I interrupting?

HILDA                            No, it’s fine.  Put that basket right here on the table, girl.

IDA                                [coming in behind her]  Her name is Cecile—

CECILE                          [annoyed but quiet] Leave it.  Ain’t worth the breath.  [up]  Where’d your old fellow go? 

HILDA                            [worried]  He… left.  [making an effort, but still condescending]  Well – Cecile – why don’t you sit right down there and help me start on these potatoes?

MUSIC

MUSIC TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER                Family tensions run high in the Schumacher mansion!  Rose has been found, but Mac is still misplaced, and Bertie is outright lost!  What secrets might Gramps impart about the family curse, or at least the many secret passages inside the Victorian monstrosity?  And who or what just frightened Hilda so badly?

END