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There will be some moment in your life when you’ll wonder, “What’re the humans up to? What’s their deal?” That’s normal. You’ll do this, because you won’t have anything else to do, and you’re boring, and it’s natural for you to get bored.

You’re going to continue to be bored and boring and not cool, because you ain’t finding out. International laws on all continents forbid extended recess from the world of demons. Only surface workers, as certified by the Begrudging Surface Coalition, and those involved in the operation of certified cult activities may venture to the world of humans, and only to conduct business.

Why? Because we’re tired of people fact checking shit we’ve figured out for CENTURIES, and can’t have you people wasting taxpayer money on sending stygians after you. That money goes to overpaying elected officials.

Listen Buster Bitch, you ain’t gonna find nothin up there that you won’t find down here. Humans are no different from demons. If anything, they’re demons, but WAY more boring. They have no magic, no outstanding physical traits, are all the same shape, and don’t do anything worth looking into in the slightest.

For real. Here are a list of things humans do:

Fuck.

Try to become more powerful than other humans

Sometimes they eat.

That’s it. Now lemme ask you, what does that remind you of?

That’s right, a cow. Humans are bipedal cows. And like cows they don’t do anything cool like drive a monster truck, so you use them for something that tastes awful, but is actually pretty useful. Humans have souls and souls have value, so you humor the cattle long enough for them to agree to give up the goods. Then you leave them to go eat and fuck and run for public office. Just like cows.

Wait, there’s like, two things they can do that we can’t they can breathe poison, but it’s carbon-dioxide, so like a little baby poison, and they’ve opted for a genetics-based form of reproduction. But the dumbshits decided to take a break from evolution when their species is all fucked up. They start rotting at like 32. And then die around 75. You’d think they’d start developing “Human 7: The Revenge” when one of them had their meat suddenly grow so fast they ate themselves alive, (Yeah, that’s a real thing that can happen to them) but they haven’t even started inventing big, capsule pills full of evolutionary accelerants to hide in the cheese supply.

Aside from that, they’re just like every other demon, and they live exactly the same kind of lives with the same garbage you have to deal with. Would you want to be around more of you? How about 2 billion of you? You can’t fathom that many? Okay, how about like.. a dozen. Like twelve? Can you do that, jingus? Good. Don’t go upstairs on vacation.

-Worldwide Manual of Interplanar Law, 12 S.7◘ 501, 99 (1d Cir. 401 B.C.)