Apothecary Diaries 2 x 9 (Patreon)

TW - Sexual Assault / Abuse & Grooming

This was a difficult episode for me on a personal level. I feel a lot of empathy for Anshi and I want to preface why that is before anyone jumps down my throat. What she did was horrendous and absolutely NOT OKAY as I stressed multiple times in the episode but I can empathise with the anger and hurt and need to lash out against your abuser in the only way you can.For those of you that have been around for a while - you will likely remember me having to take a personal break in April. I was unfortunately the victim of grooming and sexual abuse in my teenage years by an older man. I never received justice for that and in April the police showed up at my door after 15 years to discuss the matter further in relation to finding inappropriate content of me as a minor that had been found on a dark web website and how I wanted to proceed.

It took a hit on my mental health and brought up a lot of feelings that I had buried along with this idea that I was not really a victim and that I knew what I was getting myself into. However, I was a child and I could not consent, but it's why I can relate to Anshi and her perspective of herself because it's something I also thought and it is part of the trauma response. I must stress that Anshi's actions can never be justified especially when it pushed the Emperor into a rapid state of mental decline and caused him to shut himself away entirely. The Emperor is both a victimiser and a victim. Anshi is too.

But I feel strongly for her because I also get it. I understand that desire to hurt the person who hurt you through weaponizing a vulnerability e.g. Anshi weaponizing the Emperor's fear of older women.

After watching this episode - I have looked at other reactors in relation to this episode and some of their responses towards Anshi are actually horrendous. Simplifying it down to her 'obsession' with getting older and the Emperor no longer paying attention to her as to why she did what she did, that she was jealous and bitter whilst brushing off the grooming and manipulation she underwent, the trauma of giving birth to a child when she was a child herself, and having to confront the fact that the man who did this to you is continuing to do it to other girls.

Was what she did right? No. Can I empathise with her desire to hurt someone? Absolutely.

It's horrific to me that people can watch an entire backstory and still miss the point entirely or write off the Emperor as somehow justified in his behaviour towards young girls because 'he's not well' or 'traumatised' whilst blaming Anshi in the same breath. As I've said before - you can acknowledge a person's trauma whilst holding them accountable which I did with Anshi and the Emperor.

It's telling that she sees the other girls as victims but not herself.

I know some people may judge me for sharing this personal aspect of my life BUT I am not ashamed of it. It made me a stronger and kinder person. Someone that fights against injustice and uses my voice to defend others. It is also relevant to the topic manner and offers further perspective as to my commentary.