Evolutions (Beckett family bonus) (Patreon)

A couple months ago, the Beckett twins came in second on the mother's day poll.

And the idea that I had for how Riley and Ellie's relationship with their mother could evolve stayed rooted in my mind. Their familial relationships are so interesting to me, honestly, because of the nuances of it all. How their family unit deteriorated after the death of their father, which precipitated the distance between them and their mother.

So, I've dabbled in writing this for the last couple of months whenever I've needed to take breaks from my manuscript.

-------Evolutions--------

December 25

Mia might be in heaven.

Then again, she always felt that way when she had Ellie like this.

In so many ways since the very beginning of knowing her, Ellie Beckett had seemed unreachable.

But there was nothing more reachable than this, Mia thought in a lust-addled haze, as she thrust her fingers in and out of Ellie, feeling her wetness drip down her hand.

“Oh my god. God. I – harder,” Ellie panted into her ear, her hands clutching at Mia’s shoulders, so tightly.

Ellie had perfect hands. It was one of the very first things Mia remembered taking notice about her, years ago. When she was playing pool or taking down notes or absently drumming her fingers on the bar, Mia would stare at her hands.

And now she knew the magic these hands could create in and on her body. Playing her like she was a fucking fiddle.

Even just feeling them like this, grabbing at her shoulders and digging in, holding Mia as if she, and she alone, was in complete and utter control… it was euphoric for her.

“Mia,” Ellie breathed into her ear, ramping up Mia’s own fire – higher and higher.

She pressed Ellie hard back into the counter, rolling her hips against Ellie’s to try to give herself even the semblance of relief. With every thrust inside of Ellie, she both heard and felt her wife’s hitched, gasping breaths against her ear, and she was dizzy with it.

And when Ellie came, it was with her thighs shaking around her wrist, and those perfect hands grasping at her to tightly she’d probably have bruises from it.

Which, honestly, Mia being Mia, always enjoyed.

“Oh my god,” Ellie breathed out, her body melting down so she was leaning fully against the counter, low enough for her to drop her head comfortably onto Mia’s shoulder.

She lifted her hand – not the one still covered in Ellie – up to stroke softly over her back, slipping it under her shirt to touch her warm, soft skin. Just wanting to feel her.

“You okay?” She whispered.

She felt Ellie’s nodding response, before she heard her muffled words spoken against her shoulder through her sweater, “It’s really fascinating, when you think about it, how the hormone fluctuations during pregnancy work. I shouldn’t be aroused at all, logically. And yet…”

She trailed off, sighing against Mia.

And she continued to rub her hand up and down Ellie’s spine, nodding in agreement. “It’s kind of crazy, but you’re not going to hear me complaining.”

She could feel Ellie’s grin, before her wife lifted her head to lock their gazes. “No, I definitely did not hear you complaining.”

Mia should be exhausted, really. Given that in the last couple of weeks, Ellie’s sex drive had shot through the fucking roof. This morning, they’d both woken up before six in the morning, and had ended up having sex for over an hour before making it out of bed and into the shower.

Where they’d had sex again.

Their sex life was already incredibly active, so this increase to Ellie’s libido was something else entirely.

“And you’re not going to hear me complaining.” She let out an exaggerated sigh. “If keeping you satisfied while you’re carrying our child means that you and I have to have sex for hours every single day, then I’m prepared to do whatever it takes.”

“My hero.” Ellie leaned in, their lips connecting in a soft kiss.

One that made Mia sigh into it, soft and real this time. She flattened her hand at the base of Ellie’s back, feeling her shiver.

Only to feel her stiffen a second later, when both of their phones vibrated against the countertop behind Ellie.

Her wife pulled away from their kiss, already worrying at her bottom lip as she turned to look dismally at their phones, reaching down to re-zip up her pants. Neither of them had to actually look at the message to know that it was Gianna or Riley in their group chat, giving them the warning that their arrival was imminent.

“Maybe I don’t have to tell her today. I mean, it’s Christmas. It’s supposed to be filled with cheer,” Ellie muttered, reaching up and drawing a hand through her curls. Well, as much as she could, before the blonde strands caught around her fingers.

For the briefest of seconds, Mia stared at the movement, at the bounce of her hair against her shoulders. There was something so mesmerizing to her about Ellie’s hair. She loved when they cuddled together, and she could toy with it, twisting strands around her fingers.

Before she shook her head, and brought herself back to reality.

She slid her hand out from under Ellie’s shirt, gently squeezing her hip before she stepped around her to wash her hands at the sink.

“In actuality, Christmas – as you have informed me – is really just a bastardization of pagan festivals,” she countered, deliberately keeping her tone light.

Mia, in the beginning of the baby-having process, had taken on the very serious job of keeping her wife as calm and stress-free as possible. Ellie… Ellie was already her entire world. Now, she was her entire world, multiplied. However that math checked out.

Ellie hummed in agreement, her eyebrows furrowing. “Well, yes. What, exactly, is all that cheerful about the birth of Christ? We don’t even, historically, know the date of Christ’s birth, so–”

Mia shut off the water, and reached for the dish towel on the counter, before popping up onto her toes to press a kiss to Ellie’s lips, gently cutting her off. “Yes, my genius wife, I know this. And typically, I love to hear you lecture me about any and everything.”

It was so very true.

Mia didn’t think she was a stupid person by any means. But she was certain that in the years since knowing Ellie, her IQ was definitely higher. And she loved that.

Most people weren’t married to the smartest person they knew, let alone the smartest person in just about every room. But she was. Not only that, but the smartest person she knew was also incredibly kind about that fact.

She leaned back, stroking Ellie’s hair behind her ear. “However, your mother’s arrival is happening literally any second. So any comments and concerns you want to discuss, need to be discussed right now.”

Ellie’s expression was the picture of stress. “I don’t think we have to tell her today. That’s all.”

Mia made an eh sound, hating to be the person that had to pop Ellie’s bubble, ever. “All right, but… we don’t really see your mom that often. If you don’t tell her now, when are you going to tell her?”

Ellie’s lips rolled tightly together, no answer forthcoming.

“El, you’re almost at the end of the first trimester. We’ve had the ultrasound. We literally had to take the printout we got from the doctor off of the fridge so that your mom doesn’t see it before we tell her. We couldn’t invite Joel over today because his loud mouth knows.” She gently but firmly listed out all of the logical reasons they’d already worked through about this.

“Joel’s shacking up with his new boyfriend, anyway,” Ellie pointed out.

Mia accepted that deflection with an amused nod. “Yes, he is. Which is why I don’t feel too badly. But – back to the main point – she’s your mom. It’s not like we can just send her a picture when the baby’s born next summer and say hey, FYI, we did this.”

“Because… that would be… bad,” Ellie slowly murmured, her eyebrows furrowed, as her bottom lip was poked into an adorable pout.

She couldn’t help the laughter that worked up from her throat. “Yes.”

When Ellie didn’t return the laughter, Mia’s died away.

“Hey,” she reached out and took one of Ellie’s hands in hers, stroking her thumb over the tension in her knuckles. “What are you so worried about? Do you think she’s going to be mad? We know she doesn’t secretly hate babies or anything. Good thing Riley and Gianna were willing to jump on this bandwagon first to make sure,” she joked.

She and Ellie had been on the fence about having a baby, and all that it would mean. But it really had been in spending so much time with Riley and Gianna during their process of having Anya, as well as spending time with their niece, that had convinced them.

Not that they were going to be fucking crazy about it, like Riley and Gianna seemed to be. Gianna was pregnant for the second time in less than three years – and didn’t have plans to stop after this.

No, Mia was thrilled to have a baby with Ellie. This one child, though. Luckily, she could have cousins to develop social skills with.

And even though Molly Beckett wasn’t super warm and fuzzy – not with Riley or Ellie, or even Anya – she wasn’t a monster, either. So, it was hard for her to fully understand the magnitude of anxiety Ellie seemed to be feeling, now that the prospect of telling her mom was here.

Ellie squeezed her hand. “I’m happy about this. I’m really happy, and I’m also really scared.”

Mia nodded, knowing very well what emotions Ellie was going through.

“And I just know that her reaction is going to make me feel even more scared. Maybe less happy. I don’t want that,” Ellie’s voice dropped to a whisper, and she could see the stress weighing on her wife.

“We don’t have to tell her today,” she conceded, easily. “We can tell her whenever you want. We can inform her via birth announcement, if that’s what works for you.”

Yes, she felt like it was the best idea to tell Ellie’s mom today. But, whatever. If it made her wife feel more comfortable, they could do whatever was necessary.

“I–” Ellie cut herself off when they heard the front door of the house open.

“Hi, hi!” Anya’s voice rang out loudly and excitedly.

She looked up, searching Ellie’s eyes with her own. “I’ll follow your lead, okay?”

Ellie wordlessly nodded back, reaching down to interlace their fingers together before they walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

“Auntie Ellie!” Anya shouted, reaching her hands out for her, kicking her feet out from where she was set on Riley’s hip.

She’d recently really begun to understand the concept of twins. Of course, she knew her mother and her aunt were different, and had known it for her entire little life, but twins as a whole, conceptual idea fascinated her currently. It was completely adorable.

And Mia was grateful for the adorableness, as Ellie’s anxiety melted into a smile. She squeezed Mia’s hand before stepping forward to take her from Riley, who immediately moved to help Gianna slide off her jacket.

“Merry Christmas, happy holidays, the whole shebang,” Gianna sang out, allowing Riley to help her.

“Merry Christmas,” Mia echoed back, turning to focus on Molly, who was peering around from where she stood, trying to take in every element of their house.

Which made sense, given that she’d yet to visit in person and had only seen it in pictures.

“It’s nice to see you, Molly,” Mia stated, bringing her attention back to her.

Parents – of all kinds – made her feel… nervous. A little unsettled. Her own died when she’d felt like she was only half-raised, and it made her feelings around parental figures – complicated.

Even though she’d been in Ellie’s life for seven years, she’d yet to spend enough time with Molly to feel at-ease with her.

But she turned to look at Mia, giving her a small smile in return. “You, too. And Merry Christmas.”

Ellie cleared her throat, and when Mia looked at her, she found Ellie’s attention squarely focused on her already. “I’m going to take Riley and Anya in to check on the turkey and grab her a snack while you get settled in the living room.”

Read: Ellie needed a minute with Riley so that Riley could work her twin-calming powers on her. Mia nodded in understanding, taking up the mantle of ushering Molly deeper into the room, where they had their holiday decorations all set up.

Rather, she would have taken more of a lead on that, if Molly hadn’t already made her way into the living room at Ellie’s words.

Gianna sidled up to her, casually resting one of her hands on her stomach. Though she was almost seven months pregnant, she wore it like she did everything else: like her pregnancy was an effortless call to fashion.

If Mia hadn’t grown to genuinely love Gianna so much, it would be very easy to hate her. As it was, Mia knew Gianna’s truth: in spite of her insanely, out-of-this-world good looks, life had not always been kind to her. In different ways than it hadn’t been kind to Mia, but they were both parentless, just in different ways.

And now… well, now, they were family.

Which was kind of insane, when she thought about it. Because the first time she’d met Gianna all those years ago, she would have never thought they’d one day refer to one another as family.

Life really was insane that way.

She leaned into Gianna’s side, arching her a look. “What’s with that smile on your face?”

Because there was, indeed, a sly smile on Gianna’s face.

“You and Ellie just had carnal relations,” Gianna stated with a faux-scandalized look and a glint in her eyes.

Surprise and concern zapped through her, as she snapped her gaze over toward Molly, who was looking over some of Ellie’s work notes that were on the coffee table. Though Ellie was fastidiously organized, she also would leave a lot of her notes in different places. A moment of genius could – and did – strike her at any time, in any room of their home.

“You don’t know that,” she hissed back, deliberately keeping her voice down.

“Don’t I?” Gianna hummed, chuckling with it.

“Well, regardless of whatever you know or you think you know, I’d absolutely love it if you didn’t advertise it to the room. With our mother-in-law in here.” She shot her an exasperated look, because – damn.

Gianna sighed, dramatically. “Don’t worry, I understand. I’ve never been hornier than both times I’ve been pregnant. And that’s saying something. Because I’ve not lived a chaste life.”

Mia arched a slow eyebrow up at her, unable to hold back her snort of laughter. “Thank you so much, for spelling that out for me. I don’t know if I would have followed it, otherwise.”

Even though she was still smiling brightly, Gianna’s gaze searched hers with a serious edge. “Big day today,” she murmured.

Mia darted her eyes, again, to Molly, only giving a soft, wordless sound of confirmation.

She knew that Riley and Gianna were well-aware of Ellie’s strained relationship with Molly – obviously – and her anxiety around telling her about their pregnancy. But Mia’s rule of thumb was, and always would be, keeping conversations about Ellie’s feelings private.

Ellie and Riley returned back from the kitchen, Anya a few steps ahead of them as she scampered in, before plopping herself down in front of the tree. She was saying something quietly to herself as she played with a toy, something she’d likely opened this morning at her own house “from Santa.”

Just from their body language, the ease that had slid through her with Gianna dissipated. Ellie was tense – not unusual when her mother was around – and she was leaning heavily into Riley, and… oh, boy.

This was the moment. Whatever Riley had talked through with Ellie had been the final thing she’d needed to hear, clearly.

It seemed Gianna picked up on the exact same thing, and they both went to stand with their wives to present a united front, unspokenly. Once upon a time, that was something she’d resented a little when it came to Gianna. That she could read Ellie so well and she was also ready to act on her behalf, to show up for her.

What Mia hadn’t realized was that Gianna’s love for Ellie never crossed over into something beyond platonic/familial.

And now… now, she was deeply grateful to her.

She smiled encouragingly at her wife, reaching out to softly rub her back.

Ellie darted her gaze at Riley, who nodded, firmly.

“Uh. Mom,” she hedged.

“Ellie, what you have written here is very interesting. I’d like to discuss these numbers with you later today,” Molly said, tapping her fingertip against the notebook she’d started reading.

Mia could feel the deep breath Ellie took in next to her. “Mom,” she stated, a little more firmly, a little louder. “I have to tell you something.”

This time, Molly did look up from the notebook, completely. She first looked at Riley, before turning her attention to Ellie. “All right?”

“Mia and I, me and Mia – we decided to have a baby. We started the process a while ago, and now, uh, I am. Pregnant, that is.”

Mia’s breath caught and held in her throat, waiting and hoping for a bright smile – anything reassuring – to cross Molly’s face. Needing that, for Ellie.

Instead, her eyebrows furrowed low, as she processed the news. “You’re pregnant?”

… not the tone Mia – or Ellie, or anyone in the room, obviously – had been hoping for. Dubious and quiet and concerned.

She could feel Ellie’s posture tighten. Literally, she could feel her wife retreat inward.

“Yes. I’m pregnant. Going on twelve weeks. We did IUI. Everything with the fetus and with me has been progressing normally.” Ellie’s tone was tight and flat, as she laid out the facts.

Molly’s mouth was pulled into the slightest frown, as she accepted Ellie’s comments with a nod. “Ah. Well, that’s – good. That’s good, then.”

“I be the oldest! Cousin! And sister!” Anya’s voice broke in.

And bless her, there was thrill and excitement in her voice. Riley turned a tight smile to her daughter. “Yes, honey, that’s right. You will be the oldest to both your cousin and your baby sister. And that’s really fun and happy news, right?”

There was an edge to her tone that was obviously not directed at her daughter, a reinforcement that Mia deeply appreciated.

“Yep,” Anya agreed.

With her stomach having fallen to her knees, she looked up at Ellie’s profile. Withdrawn and upset, her lips pulled into a flat line and that crinkle between her eyebrows… Mia’s heart ached with it.

Ellie caught her gaze and offered a glum shrug, before she shook her head.

Read: She didn’t want to get into this and make it a Big Deal. She’d rather just get on with their day.

Mia didn’t love it, but she’d do it. Whatever Ellie needed.

***

The tensions from a few hours ago had faded a little bit. Faded enough, as they’d all had an early holiday meal, and exchanged gifts.

Luckily, they had Anya to hold the center stage.

Mia’s mind had been working all afternoon, thinking of different things she could do when their family left in order to brighten Ellie’s spirits. And she was in the middle of those thoughts as she walked from the bathroom into the kitchen to offer any final desserts.

Only to come to a stumbling stop when she realized that Molly was in here.

That it was only Molly in here, other than her.

Her stomach twisted with discomfort, which was always a weird feeling for her. Mia didn’t generally feel uncomfortable around people or being in new social situations – but most of the time, those people didn’t have any significance to her, nor would they be in her life in any lasting capacity.

Molly… was very different.

She watched her for a few moments, watching as Molly had her hands clasped behind her back and studied one of the award certifications Ellie had recently been given. Mia had made a commotion of putting it up on the fridge, even as Ellie had blushed and said she was being dramatic.

She glanced over her shoulder, focusing on the sounds coming from the living room for a second. Wanting to make sure that everyone else was going to be staying put for the next few minutes.

Because she couldn’t say this in front of Ellie. She didn’t want to have to say anything, at all.

But her time with Molly was so limited, this would probably be her only chance for literal years to come.

“I’m always on Ellie’s side,” she started with feeling like she had to get that out of the way. “I need you to know that. I’m on Ellie’s side, because I’m her wife, and her best friend, and that’s how it should be.”

Molly whirled around to face her, obviously startled. Her eyes – the same color as both Ellie’s and Riley’s – were wide, her hand slapping to her chest in shock.

“Mia. Sorry, I…” She trailed off, rolling her shoulders back. “What were you saying?”

God, Mia always avoided spending this kind of one on one time with parents of anyone she dated for this reason. There was just this… this feeling in the pit of her stomach that made her feel sick.

But… this was for Ellie.

“I’m saying that… that I know your relationship with Ellie – well, both of them, really – is very layered. I know it’s not simple. And, frankly, I don’t think it’s entirely because of you.”

She winced as those words escaped, because she didn’t enjoy saying it. She didn’t enjoy feeling, in any way, like she and Ellie weren’t aligned, weren’t a team, in everything, all of the time.

But Ellie’s relationship with Molly was – it was complicated. And Mia, as an observer for years, felt like she did have an objective understanding of it.

Molly’s surprise was obvious.

“I can see how much you do love her. I know how much you care about her and how proud you are of her.”

She gestured to the recognition of Ellie’s accomplishments that Molly had just been devouring every last word of.

“But – I’m going to be really honest with you, in a way that I feel deeply uncomfortable about,” god, did she fucking ever.

She pushed through.

“Ellie has no idea how proud you are of her. And even though I can see it, even though Ellie’s perceptions of your words or your tones might not always be correct, the reality is – you aren’t that great at showing it.”

Molly’s mouth had opened a little, but now snapped shut, a fire in her eyes.

Good. Maybe she’d listen.

“I don’t know why your first thought about Ellie and I having a baby isn’t excitement, but I suspect it’s not because you hate Ellie or having another grandchild.”

“No, I–” Molly started, a firm insistence in her voice. But she still cut herself off, like she wasn’t exactly sure how to put her thoughts into words.

Mia was familiar with that look, worn typically by Ellie.

She shook her head, stopping Molly there. “I’m not the person you need to talk about this with. I’m just the person who’s telling you that…”

How should she say this?

“That… you are the only grandparent Ellie’s – Ellie and Riley’s – kids are going to have.”

Simple was always best, she decided, and that was the simple truth. She shrugged with it, even as Molly’s eyes widened in surprise at the comment.

“You’ve probably never thought about it that way. I haven’t thought about it much until the last couple of weeks, either. But my parents are dead. Gianna’s might as well be. When it comes to the relationship that any of our kids will have with a grandparent, that’s… well, that’s all on you. You have the option to be the best, most loving grandmother to them, and they can have an incredible experience with you. Or you… you can have complicated relationships with them like you do with your kids, and none of them will be the wiser. The choice is entirely up to you.”

She took in a deep breath, holding Molly’s surprised, reticent gaze with her own before she nodded.

“I’m going back out to the living room.”

***

January 10

“Must you go run a lingerie empire today?” Riley asked, only half-teasing, as Gianna buttoned up her jacket.

“The meeting is going to be quick, and then I’ll be back home with my best girls,” Gianna assured, before she turned to present Riley with her back.

Gently, she reached up to tug all of her wife’s luxuriously thick, soft hair from under her jacket. One of Gianna’s biggest – only, really – grumbles as she was entering her eighth month was feeling slightly constricted in her movements when she had to put on her outside clothing.

Which she always did, because Riley almost had an aneurysm a few weeks ago when Gianna had shot a murderous look toward one of her favorite jackets – one she couldn’t currently wear. She’d decided – when it was below freezing out – that she’d “be fine” without it. Ah, not on Riley’s watch. “Your egg didn’t cause me so many issues,” she’d muttered when Riley had helped her into a different coat.

Riley hummed, looking out one of the windows to eyeball the snowy/icy slurry that had fallen onto the ground last night.

Gianna reached up, warmly cupping her jaw and turning Riley to look back at her. “I realize you spent the first twelve years of our lives together driving me everywhere if I couldn’t easily take a car. But, I have my driver’s license,” she teased, stroking her thumb over Riley’s bottom lip as she was wont to do.

She pressed a kiss to the pad of Gianna’s thumb, automatically. “I know.”

Because Gianna had made a point of finally getting a license when they’d been preparing to have Anya. She didn’t want to ever be home with their baby – future babies – while Riley was at work, and not be able to drive them somewhere in an emergency.

But… Gianna had only been driving for two years. She didn’t have a ton of experience driving it shitty winter weather. And she – she and their daughter that was due in only a month – was Riley’s precious cargo.

She’d wanted to drive Gianna to her meeting herself, but Anya had been sick for the last couple of days and neither of them wanted to take her out in the freezing weather together.

Especially not when they had her settled and calm – she’d been fussy and upset nearly constantly with how sick she’d been – settled the little blanket nest they’d made for her in the living room so they could keep an eye on her, listening to children’s books on audio, as she dozed on and off.

“You drive safe, okay? Text me when you get there and when you leave. I’ll make us your favorite soup for dinner. Deal?” She offered her hand.

Gianna slid her hand down to take it, before she used the hold to tug Riley in closer, then capturing her lips in a warm kiss.

One that Riley melted in to, reaching up to stroke her hand down Gianna’s neck, then grasping her collar.

Gianna pulled back, hot breaths washing over Riley’s lips. “Deal,” she whispered.

Riley found herself smiling as she leaned in and kissed her once more, before stepping back. “Okay, go. Before you run late, and before the temperature’s supposed to dip.”

A few minutes later, Riley was putting the pot on the stove, getting ready to cook. Only to pause when she heard a knock on the front door.

She made her way back to the foyer, knowing it wasn’t Ellie, Mia, or Joel, as she’d already chatted with all of them today and knew they were busy. So, it had to be her wife.

She was already jokingly commenting, “Did you forget your keys?” When she tugged the door open.

And then froze, shock and confusion coursing through her at the sight of her mother. “Mom? What… are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” She asked, sounding – nervous?

Riley thought she sounded nervous, but she so rarely heard her mother sound any way other than evenly keeled. Immediately, her alarm bells were ringing, and she stepped back, opening the door wider. “Yeah, of course.”

Her mom stepped inside and Riley closed the door behind her, concern coursing through her veins. “Are you okay? What’s going on? Aren’t you supposed to be heading home, now?”

She knew her mom was, because that had been what her schedule said. She’d spent Christmas day with them, and had then stayed in Boston to be a guest lecturer for a winter class at Tufts for the last.

Her mom rolled her lips and nodded, tightly, “Yes, I’m going home.” She looked down at her watch. “Well, I’ll be heading out soon, and I’ve checked out of the hotel,” she clarified, as she always liked everything to be perfectly precise. “I just thought I’d stop by and see you again before I go.”

Alarm bells rang in Riley’s mind – something had to be direly wrong. She had to take a deep breath and gather herself, bracing for a horrible impact, as she observed her mom. Who was looking curiously at the framed photos on the walls.

Which, she supposed made sense. Given that her mom had only ever stepped foot into this house once or twice in the years Riley had lived here.

God, was her mother dying?

“Mom,” she reached out, grasping at her mom’s wrist to command her attention. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Her mother turned to look at her, shaking her head. “What’s wrong?” She echoed.

“Yeah…?” She trailed off, squeezing her mom’s wrist. Not too firmly, but enough to keep them both focused. “You obviously came here to tell me something. Right?”

Her mom rolled her lips, her gaze darting down. “Ah. I suppose–” She cleared her throat, tightly. “I suppose that confirms it, then.”

“What? Can you just… are you okay?” Before they could get into anything else, Riley needed to know that.

“Yes, my physical health is perfectly fine. Assuming that is what you’re asking about.”

Relief filtered through her, and she squeezed her mom’s wrist again as she let out a deep breath. “Whew. Okay, good. Then–”

“Do you know that I love you?” Her mom asked, the question so jarring, her tone so sharp, Riley found herself at a complete lack of words.

“Mamaaa,” Anya called out, her voice nasally and whiny with congestion, before she coughed.

Shaking herself out of whatever this conversation was, she looked from her mom to her daughter, then back. “I – just, give me a second. You can come and sit in the kitchen, if you want? I’m going to make soup.”

What a ridiculous and inane thing to say right now, but what was the appropriate response when your mom shows up out of the blue and asks if you know she loves you?

Her mom nodded, folding her arms over her chest as she walked into the kitchen.

With the high ceilings and the partially-open layout, all of the rooms having large, open archways connecting them, she could see the way her mom meandered into the kitchen, taking in everything around her, as she walked over to Anya.

She pushed her own mother-drama to the back of her mind, as she smiled down at her daughter. “Hi, baby girl. What can I do for you, hmm?”

Anya sniffled up at her, her eyes tired and drowsy, wiggling around all antsy where she laid in the blankets. “Cuddle?”

As her heart melted, she leaned down and scooped her daughter up, bringing one of the blankets with her. “Always time for cuddling,” she whispered, before kissing her daughter’s soft, warm cheek.

She bounced slightly, patting her butt in the way she knew always made Anya fall asleep.

And, within a minute or two, it worked. She felt Anya go completely lax against her, and she gently laid her back down.

And she took a deep breath, because now was the return to her mother.

She started walking toward the kitchen, seeing that her mom was watching her rather than peering around anymore.

“She… god, she looks so much like you and Ellie did. Like a perfect replica,” her mom murmured, her voice soft and a little reverent.

“Thank you,” she accepted with a small smile, because she believed her daughter was the cutest being in the world, and thus – it was a great compliment.

She knew they looked similar, because it was impressed upon her frequently. Daily, really, as Gianna loved to have Riley hold Anya up and kiss both of their cheeks as she remarked on how perfect it was to have a mini-Riley.

And then there had been the whole debacle around whose egg they would use for her current pregnancy – Gianna had pushed for another of Riley’s, Riley had pushed for one of Gianna’s. She wanted her own mini-Gianna, as much as Gianna loved on a mini-Riley; it was only fair.

She walked around to the other side of the island, feeling like a few feet of distance would be good right now. It would give her the ability to stay more focused on the point of… this.

She braced her hands on the edges of the counter, enjoying the cool marble in her grasp. “Mom, I... yes, I know you love me.” She reached up, rubbing her thumb and forefinger at her eyes, wondering how deeply in the weeds she should get in this conversation.

Like, yes, she knew her mom loved her, but… feeling loved was different than just knowing that as a fact.

Rather than jump right into the nitty-gritty, she lowered her hand and tilted her head in confusion. “What brought this on?”

Because her mom hadn’t initiated a conversation about emotions or wanted to dig deep into anything in… Riley couldn’t even remember.

No – she loved digging into conversations about her and Ellie’s careers.

But other than that – it was all superficial.

“I suppose I’ve just been thinking about it, lately.” She rolled her lips into a flat line, looking oddly emotional. Well, emotional for her mom. “And I really – I want to talk about this. Do you think there’s been more… distance… between us in the last few years?”

“All right.” She bit at her cheek, still holding back. Still debating. “Are you sure you want the truth?”

Her mom’s mouth pulled into a brittle smile. “It’s why I came to you. I know I can always count on you for the truth.”

Riley closed her eyes, and – well. Her mom wasn’t wrong. She didn’t try to live an honest and truthful life because it was easy. Sometimes – often times – truthful conversations were the most difficult to have.

“Well, mom, the truth is that… there has been more distance between us in the last couple of years.” She admitted. “Because ever since dad died, it’s been solely on me to facilitate the three of us having any sort of consistency in our family, and I’m… done.”  

It wasn’t easy to say to her mom’s face. Not when her eyes widened in surprise, her mouth falling into a little o, as if that was unexpected, and…

And it hurt; it needled at Riley deep inside, knowing she’d hurt her mother’s feelings.

Just as much as that hurt, though, something inside of her sparked to life, and, “Are you really surprised by that?”

Because, in Riley’s mind, it was all very clear.

Her mom sat up straight, her hands tightly clasped together – so many of the same mannerisms that Ellie had, and maybe that was why it dug at Riley so much to know she hurt her feelings. “I,” she started, before she had to pause and clear her throat. “I hadn’t necessarily seen our relationship like that, I suppose.”

Okay, now Riley could only stare. “Really? Just… really?” She pressed.

Her mom’s jaw clenched, and her lips pulled into a small frown, even as she slowly, hesitantly nodded.

Riley wished it took her longer to figure out where to start. She really did.

But it didn’t. It was all very easy for her to pinpoint.

“Mom, you hardly ever reach out to me, first. You never reach out to Ellie, first. I’ve been the glue that holds us all together since I was seventeen, and I can’t do it, anymore. I have my own family, now. I can’t spend all of that emotional energy trying to engage you in mine and Ellie’s lives, anymore.”

It hadn’t been an easy thing for her to do. In fact, it had been a really fucking difficult thing to work through, especially when Anya had been born.

She poured a fairly significant amount of energy into being the connection between her mom and her sister, into trying to make sure they all saw one another multiple times a year. She worked hard to coordinate and be the glue that held them together, and when she’d had her own child – soon to be children – she’d decided, with Gianna’s support, that… she had to let go of holding so tightly onto being the tether to her mom. She needed that energy to focus on her family, now.

Her mom’s eyebrows furrowed, deeply, obviously processing what she’d said, before she asked, “You… you’ve felt this way since you were seventeen?”

Rolling her lips tightly, Riley wondered how much detail she should go into. Because this was unchartered territory for them. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d turned to her mom to have a real, vulnerable conversation.

But, she was here. And she was literally asking for it.

Riley would, probably, never have this moment again. So… “Yeah. Because when dad died, I was alone.”

“I was there,” her mom immediately disagreed, the rare, strong emotion choking into her tone, shaking her head as her cheeks paled. “I was there with you, every day. Until you moved here to be with Ellie.”

“Yeah, fine, you were there physically with me. In the same house. But you were a shell of a person.” The words fell out of her mouth, as her stomach twisted into tight knots.

That year after her dad died hadn’t been a blur for her, the way some people talked about experiencing grief. She wished it was. Because the way she’d felt – so alone, so isolated – was still so clear for her.

“I didn’t know who I was, anymore,” her mom’s voice was barely a whisper. A thick, rough whisper, and her hands were clasped so tightly, her knuckles were a stark white. “Without your dad, I…”

Riley’s stomach twisted and turned, and the backs of her eyes burned, and it hurt to swallow. But she had to force herself to do that in order to continue. “I know. I’m not placing blame, Mom, I’m being honest. I know it was… hard–”

“It wasn’t hard; it felt impossible,” her mom confessed, both words and a tone she’d never heard before.

She was struck by the very thought of Gianna, then. A flash of her wife’s face in her mind, and her heart seized with it. Because what she’d said to Gianna when they’d talked about starting their family was true: she didn’t know who she’d be if she lost her.

In a lot of ways, her relationship with Gianna was similar to that of her parents. They’d met in college, they’d communicated with one another, understood one another, in ways no one else did. They really were soulmates, and Riley had seen that, growing up.

“I get that,” she whispered, rolling her lips at the barrage of emotion that threatened to tumble down over her at the thought of something happening to Gianna.

“But…” She let out a long, deep breath as she turned her attention to Anya. “But you were gone when I needed you. It was like one day, we had our family. And then dad died. And Ellie left. And you were physically at home with me, but you weren’t there. One day, I had a family. And in a blink, it was all different.”

And, god, she hated thinking back to those days, to her senior year of high school. She’d never been lonelier in her entire fucking life, even though she’d shared her house with her mom, technically.

“You were there, sure. But where were you when I couldn’t sleep and was watching the news, crying, at three in the morning? I know you weren’t sleeping, either, but you didn’t come to me. Where were you when I was terrified that something was wrong with Ellie because she stopped answering my calls? Where were you when I came to Boston by myself to make sure she was okay – and she wasn’t?”

The tears that seared against the backs of her eyes slipped over, and she quickly reached up to wipe them away before Anya could possibly hear – she was inordinately sensitive to shifts in her parents’ moods.

Besides, she didn’t want to get emotional right now, anyway. She didn’t want to lambast her mom. She just wanted her to… understand.

“That’s when I realized that it was on me. Dad was gone, and he’d understood all of us, supported all of us. But from then on, it was on my shoulders. So, I’d take care of Ellie. And I would bridge the communication gap between you two. And I’d reach out to you as much as you’d let me to make sure you didn’t disappear, too.”

Damn, the tears kept coming.

She had to pause, to take some long, deep breaths as she swiped her sleeves over her cheeks.

Her mom’s silence was deafening.

After a few long beats, she managed to find her center, and looked back at her mom. Who looked so… sad. It was such a simple way to describe her, but it was the only thing that resonated. She just looked so fucking sad.

“When Gianna and I got pregnant with Anya, I realized that I couldn’t do that forever. I love you, Mom,” she promised.

Because, no, her mother wasn’t perfect. But she wasn’t bad, either. She was… complicated.

“I love you, and the door to me and my family will always be open to you. But if you don’t ever come knocking, you can’t be surprised when we’re distant. And I’m sorry to have to say it like that,” especially because, in this moment, all she could picture was her father’s crestfallen, disappointed expression. Hating what had happened to his family.

Her mom’s lips were pursed so tightly, they nearly disappeared. But she slowly nodded.

“I… understand what you’re saying. And I know that you aren’t incorrect, about how–” she coughed, rubbing at her chest. “How the year after your father’s death impacted both you and your sister. And me. All I can say to you is… it took everything I had in me just to get out of bed every day. Eventually, it got a little easier. But by then, you and Ellie had both moved out, and never had any intentions of coming home.” She shrugged, looking more helpless than Riley could remember ever seeing her mother. “I just figured… you were both living the lives you wanted. You’d both settled here, together, started working on careers. You were both successful and happy – or, you always seemed happy?”

“We were. We are,” she affirmed, quietly, and wasn’t that the damndest part of it all? “You and dad… you did good. With us.”

Her mom’s mouth ticked up into a tremulous smile. “Good. That’s – that’s all I want for you both. And I didn’t know how to fit into your lives, anymore, I suppose. So I just… I let you live them.”

Her mom took in a long, ragged breath, and the sound of it dug right into Riley’s heart.

“And the thing is, Mom, that we do have really good lives. With wives that love us. And I want you to be a part of my genuinely good, happy life. Of my kids’ lives – and Ellie does too – but… you need to do that legwork. I can’t do it for you anymore.”

“Right,” her mom’s voice was so quiet, barely above a whisper. She closed her eyes, before getting to her feet. “Well, I won’t take any more of your time. I’ll – I’ll just say goodbye to Anya, and go.”

“You can stay for dinner. If you want,” she offered, already knowing the answer even before her mom gave her a tight smile.

Her mom didn’t really have the emotional capacity to stay here, and wade through the murky, heavy emotions that were laid out between them. She knew that.

“No, that’s – you’ve given me a lot to think about. And I appreciate that.” Her mom’s eyes were watery and intense, but she managed to give her a small smile.

Riley released a long, deep breath.

She, too, could also use some warm, calming soup.

***

March 1

“I love you so much,” Riley’s voice was so soft, so tender, and so was the kiss she placed on Gianna’s forehead.

Then on her cheeks.

Then on her chin.

Then the tip of her nose.

Before Gianna breathed out a little sound and tilted her head to connect their lips. The kiss was brief, but so, so necessary, and she breathed back, “I love you, carina,” right against Riley’s mouth.

She could feel Riley’s hands – so gentle – come up and cup her jaw, making soft circles with her thumbs on her skin. Gianna let out a tired, content sigh, and closed her eyes at the feeling.

She’d touched and been touched by many people in her life. Even when she wasn’t engaging in romantic relationships with them, many of those touches were soft and lingering.

But none of them had ever made her feel cherished.

Which was precisely how she felt right now, as Riley’s gentle fingertips traced the contours of her face.

For so long, she’d felt that it was her downfall. Because Riley had always made her feel adored and cherished and appreciated in ways no one else ever came close to. Long before they were sexual or romantic together, Riley had been the most vulnerable, intimate relationship she’d had.

How could she possibly move on from that? How could she force herself into even wanting to try?

Obviously, she hadn’t.

And, as she blinked her eyes open, looking up at Riley from the hospital bed – good thing she hadn’t. Because she’d have never gotten here, would have never gotten to experience this life.

Riley’s eyes were so warm and so exhausted – exactly how Gianna felt, as well – as they locked onto hers.

“Do you know how fucking incredible you are?” Riley asked, softly.

“Mm,” she hummed, imperiously, as she dropped her head back against the pillow under her head. “Yes, yes, I do. But I do love hearing it from you. You may proceed.”

“Is my saying it every day already not enough?” Riley gently teased, arching her an eyebrow. “I can be more effusive about it.”

She thought about the daily back, foot, and hand massages she received from Riley throughout her pregnancy, the fact that Riley had taken over essentially all of Anya’s care needs in addition to working in-person at the station for the last month, as Gianna’s pregnancy had left her so drained.

Figured that her own biological daughter completely sapped her energy, whereas she’d felt vibrant and full of life when she’d carried Riley’s genes inside of her.

More ammunition, she supposed, for Riley to agree to her egg being implanted again for their next pregnancy. She’d take that trade off.

“We can work something out, I’m sure.” Her lips curled into a smile as Riley pretended to write down a reminder note.

Her own smile dimmed, slightly, as she studied her wife even closer.

The bags under Riley’s eyes were intense – turning into dark bruises – her hair was tossed into a completely harried, messy ponytail, and her clothing was all rumpled.

To Gianna, she was utterly gorgeous. Plus, she’d just given birth, so she knew she also wasn’t looking her absolute best.

But… she frowned in disapproval.

“Babe, I think you should go home and take a legitimate shower and grab a real nap for a little while.” Her voice was gentle, but it was also not a suggestion; it was an order.

Riley reeled back. “Are you telling me that I smell?”

Gianna could tell she was only half-kidding.

“No,” she denied, honestly. “But I am telling you that you have stayed here with me for the last fifty-five hours, and we planned on you bringing Anya here this afternoon. I want you to get a few hours of sleep and actually feel slightly refreshed. Especially because Emmi and I should be discharged in less than twenty-four hours, and who knows the next time you’ll be able to take a long, calming shower?”

Still, Riley frowned in obvious disagreement. “I don’t want to leave you for hours; I can shower here, in your hospital bathroom. I can nap on the chair right next to your bed.”

“I’m going to take a nap, myself,” she countered, unable to maintain a firm, serious expression right now. Even with the exhaustion she just… she felt so fucking full of love.

Admittedly, she’d given birth less than a day ago, so she was full of hormones.

“Great, we’ll nap at the same time.”

She laughed, so endeared and feeling so lucky.

Even so, she shook her head. “You haven’t stepped foot out of this hospital room since I was admitted.”

“I’m fairly certain that goes with the territory when your wife is having your baby,” Riley pointed out, gently reaching out to stroke a lock of Gianna’s hair behind her ear.

“Yes. But your wife and your baby are here, and healthy.”

“Now,” Riley pushed, squeezing Gianna’s hand where it rested on the bed. The concern in her voice was apparent, and she could feel it in Riley’s touch.

“Yes,” she repeated, letting out a tired breath.

She’d had some concerning bleeding last night, but everything was looking up, today.

Frankly, she’d gotten more sleep – knocked out from the blood loss and meds last night – than Riley had in the last two days. And that simply wouldn’t do.

“You have spent the last two days vigilantly at my side, babe. Now, it’s my turn to tell you that I want you to take care of yourself. And then return here with our progeny.”

Ellie and Mia had been watching Anya since she had been admitted. They’d come to the hospital yesterday with her after Emmi had been born, and Anya had been absolutely tickled by having Emmi gently and carefully placed over her lap.

But due to Gianna not feeling well and not wanting to scare their daughter, her visit had been fairly short. And today, they’d been getting text updates and videos of Anya all day, about how much she wanted to come back.

Sternly, she held Riley’s gaze in her own. “You’re not going to let me lift a finger when we go home, and we both know it.”

And that wasn’t even counting how much Riley had done for her in the last several months. Which Gianna deeply appreciated and loved, but… Riley wasn’t the only one in their relationship with a duty to take care of her spouse.

“Within the next day, you’re going to be juggling me, Anya, and Emmi. Go get a shower and a nap at our home while you still can.”

Riley’s eyebrows furrowed and her perfectly plush bottom lip poked into a pout. “I feel strongly that I’m not allowed to argue with my wife who has just given birth. So, you can see how I’m in a tough position here.”

“The toughest,” she drawled, smirking victoriously up at her. She slowly arched an eyebrow, waiting for Riley to give in. She knew she would.

“Fine,” Riley reluctantly agreed. “I’ll go.”

“I love that you make it sound like I’m sending you off to war when, in reality, I’m sending you home to relax.”

Riley leaned over Emmi’s bassinet, and Gianna’s heart swelled – wasn’t that ridiculous? She’d never understood that phrase before, not like this – at the sweetest, softest expression that melted over her wife’s face.

“I love you, Emmi. I’ll be back so soon,” she whispered, gently – so, so gently – lifting her finger and swiping her fingertip down their daughter’s cheek. “And I’ll be bringing your older sister, who also loves you.”

She stood up and turned to face Gianna once more. “And I love you, more than anything. So, I’m going to give you another opportunity to recant your demand that I leave.”

Gianna could see that Riley genuinely was hopeful that she would. Which made her love her even more, if it were possible.

Probably not possible, at this point.

And Gianna… she didn’t want Riley to be away from her. But she also desperately needed Riley to sleep for more than thirty minutes, which she wasn’t capable of doing here.

“The faster you go, the faster you can come back,” she stated, before tapping her own lips.

Gianna – frankly – hated having restricted movements as her doctors orders. How was she supposed to reach for her wife and pull her into a kiss?

Luckily, Riley effortlessly read what she was asking for, leaning down to kiss her again.

She hummed softly, before pulling back. “Okay, go.”

If she kept getting distracted by kissing Riley, neither of them would get their much needed naps in today.

After Riley left, she took in a long breath, relaxing into the bed. She glanced over at Emmi where she slept, warmth sliding through her veins all over again.

Yes, she felt very strongly about using Riley’s genes to create their children. And she’d been a little… iffy… throughout her pregnancy about her own genetic child.

And those doubts had compounded every time this pregnancy was more difficult than the first.

The baby with her genes was stubborn. The baby with her genes was lively and active at all the wrong fucking times, all through the night. The baby with her genes drained her energy. The baby with her genes had given her a much longer labor and complications after.

Plus… sure, Gianna no longer was the person she’d once been. She didn’t have low self-esteem, she didn’t believe she was a hollowed out, stupid, waste of space. Riley had been the catalyst for all of that.

But it didn’t change Gianna’s genes.

Sure, perhaps her genetic child would be beautiful on the outside. But both of her parents were rotten to the core on the inside, and Gianna – well, it had taken some work to change that path for herself.

But… in the Beckett genes? There was inherent kindness and genius IQs and dedication, and…

Yeah, she believed in nurture over nature, but what if?

Now, though, the doubts were gone.

Emmi wasn’t theoretical, anymore, she was here. And she was beautiful, but Gianna felt so strongly – she knew – that she was perfect, the same way Anya was.

Didn’t mean she would be using her own egg for the next pregnancy, but still.

She snapped her head to face the door to the hospital room as it opened, slowly. The way it opened sent alarm bells ringing – the medical staff always announced themselves.

Riley, Ellie, Mia, Joel – anyone she’d welcome into the room – wouldn’t be opening the door like that, all slow and creaky and hesitant.

Gianna wasn’t super mobile, yet. She forced herself to sit up straight, needing to be at the ready –

Only for the concern to flee, as Molly Beckett made herself visible.

She melted back down against the pillows, confusion working through her. “… Hi?” She greeted when Molly didn’t say anything.

“Can I come in?” Molly hesitated, a little awkwardly at the door. Like she really wasn’t sure if she should come in or duck back out right away. Or what she even wanted to do out of those options.

“Sure,” Gianna waved her in without hesitation, more intrigued than anything. “What are you doing here?”

Molly paused, her footsteps faltering as she sent Gianna a wide, questioning look. “I – well, Riley texted saying that you’d had the baby.”

“No, I understand that part,” she waved that away, a little amused. “I’m just wondering… did you drive down from Vermont today?”

“Ah, no,” she hedged, seeming very off-kilter in a way Gianna had never seen before.

They certainly weren’t close, not at all, but she had known the woman for over a decade.

“I’ve been staying in a hotel for the last week,” Molly admitted, “Since I knew you were due.”

Yeah, Gianna’s bafflement doubled, and she narrowed her eyes as suspicion worked through her. “Why doesn’t Riley know that?”

She knew Riley didn’t, because she hadn’t said anything. And she knew that Riley would have said something. It would have been a whole thing, because it was incredibly strange.

“Well, I – I’m sure you know how our last big conversation went.” Molly offered her a small, cautious smile.

Of course she did. She’d come home last month to a very emotional Riley, surprisingly so. And they’d walked through the entire conversation together.

Molly shrugged, heartily. “I’m trying to be better at showing up and, uh, showing that I care. I just… it’s hard.” She frowned, her eyebrows furrowing, before she heaved a deep breath. “So, I thought I’d come here and stop by. But I suppose I missed Riley?”

“Like, just,” Gianna emphasized.

Molly frowned and nodded, looking visibly unsure of what to do with herself as she continued to linger closer to the the door than Gianna or Emmi.

Luckily for Molly, Gianna very rarely felt as awkward or uncomfortable as it was clear her mother-in-law felt right now.

“You can properly come in,” she invited, gesturing for Molly to walk in even closer. “See the baby, if you want.”

“Oh. Right.” She cleared her throat, softly. “I mean, if you’d rather I come back another time, when Riley’s here, I can do that. If that’s easier for you.”

Gianna eyed her, closely, managing to tamp down on her outward amusement and curiosity. “It’s not a bother to me.”

But she was sure it would be more comfortable for Molly, given that they’d never been alone together.

Molly intertwined her hands in front of her, walking stiffly into the room. She bit at her bottom lip as she walked closer to the bassinet, glimpsing down at Emmi. In seconds, a much warmer, more natural smile curled at her mouth.

“She looks like you.” She cleared her throat and looked back up at Gianna. “I – Anya looks so much like my girls. But she – Emmi? – looks like you.”

“Well, your girls have wonderful genes, and it’s a goal of mine to keep them going in this world.”

Molly’s smile widened, even as she clearly didn’t know what, exactly, to say.

And that was fine, because Gianna knew what she wanted to say. Especially because she was fairly certain Molly planned to excuse herself out of this room imminently.

“You and I have never really talked about my parents. But… frankly, they suck. And they have zero interest in our daughters. So, if you want to be here, I’d like you to be here,” she admitted, candidly.

Molly’s gaze whipped to hers, clearly shocked. And – slightly entertaining for Gianna – obviously uncertain of how to respond to that.

“Oh.” She murmured, simply. Her hands twisted tighter. “I wasn’t aware of how bad your relationship is with them. I mean, I know that you aren’t close,” she quickly added, as if needing to reassure herself that she did know some things about Gianna. “But not… like that.”

It stung, still. It did. But less, now. Less while she had her own kids to think about, her own family. Far less now that she was confident that there wasn’t something wrong with her, but with her parents.

Because when she even thought about Anya or Emmi, she loved them. With everything she had. And she’d do anything to never let them feel the way Gianna’s parents had made her feel. Like a burden.

And she felt like that was the right thing for a parent to feel. She was right to feel this way, and this was how people were supposed to feel when they had a child.

Her parents didn’t feel this way, and they never had. It was really only after having her own kids that she could understand it all more clearly. There was nothing she could have done when she was a baby or a child or even an adult, that could make them love her the way they were supposed to.

Sometimes, it did still hurt. Sometimes, that thought landed heavily inside of her, still, and twisted her up.

But less now than it used to.

“Riley is pretty protective over me, when it comes to them,” she informed Molly, eyeing her closely as she did. “She always was, even before we got together.”

A very sweet smile pulled at Molly’s mouth again, as she looked up from Emmi to meet Gianna’s gaze. “Yes, well. I’m not surprised about that; Riley has always been amazing at looking after the people she loves.” That smile slowly fell as Molly blinked several times, and looked away from Gianna. “Perhaps she shouldn’t have had to be.”

The sentence was barely audible, especially with the way Molly faced away from her, like… like it made her embarrassed or uncomfortable. Which, knowing what she knew about Molly Beckett, was probably the truth.

But Gianna, well, she felt very comfortable. Comfortable enough to say, “You should know that more than anything, that I feel that same way about Riley. That I’d murder someone who hurt her.”

She paused, waiting for Molly to look up at her. With an affronted, defensive, yet guilty look, in eyes that looked just the same as Riley’s.

And she got it, within seconds.

Maybe she hadn’t spent much time with Molly over the last nearly two decades, but she’d spent enough time. Enough time to be able to read her like a book, because if there was one subject Gianna was a master of, it was having an understanding of all of the Beckett women. Riley, she understood the most, but she knew all of them.

“I don’t think you want to hurt her,” she finished, before Molly could find the words she wanted to interject. “So, I’ll lay it out for you, that what Riley and Ellie both really want from you, is this,” she gestured to her, standing in the hospital room.

Molly folded her arms, the movement awkward, as she clearly tried to find her footing. “Well, I… I appreciate that you can see that I don’t want to hurt them.”

“No, what I can see is that you don’t know how to show up for them. And I can see that it’s just easier to shut it down than to try,” she remarked, quietly.

She didn’t take any satisfaction from the surprise that filtered over her mother-in-law’s face, mostly because she got it. Being afraid to try and fail at creating a human connection, especially from the people you wanted it from the most, had been Gianna’s most formative experience.

She nodded toward the chair that Riley had occupied, next to the bed. “Why don’t you sit.”

It wasn’t a suggestion.

“I’ll tell you that the best thing for you to do to bridge this gap is to just do… stuff like this. Show up. That’s what will matter the most to Riley. And Ellie, honestly.”

Neither of the Beckett twins would really trust words over actions. They were reliable, loyal, dependable people. And the best way to get into their hearts – though, the only reason this was an issue was because of how much they both did love their mother – was to give that right back to them.

Gianna settled back against her pillows, wiggling slightly to get comfortable, as Molly gingerly sat in the chair.

It was a little amusing to her when she realized that she’d never sat this close to her, before. They’d give quick hugs when they saw one another or said goodbye, but Molly settling into the chair right next to her hospital bed was a very different kind of closeness.

“I, well…” Molly started before she broke off and had to clear her throat, obviously unsure of herself in this moment. “I know you and I have never been close. But I could see the difference in Riley, when you became a part of her life.” She waved her hand, “Long before you two were romantic.”

She frowned slightly, and Gianna knew they were both thinking the same thing, even before Molly murmured, “I suppose I’m not even precisely positive about when the two of you became romantic with one another,” the regret was sharp and clear in her tone. She shook her head, before turning to look at Gianna head-on as she admitted, “I thought you were, for a long time. You were so close, and when Riley and I talked on the phone, she talked about you so much. But she never disclosed anything, and she was still dating other people.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t until we were thirty. A few years ago,” she confirmed, smiling slightly at the thought.

Maybe if it – if they – had happened earlier, she’d have gotten to live this charmed life before. But… she’d loved those years. She truly believed that the only difference between her twenties in reality and her twenties in those imagined, alternate years, was sex. She and Riley had still done everything together. The long, intense conversations, the nights having dinner together, doing laundry together, taking vacations together.

“Okay. Thank you.”

Molly’s comment brought her back to the moment, and she watched as Molly bit at her lip in a way that looked exactly like Ellie.

“I – what I wanted to let you know is that I know you’ve been there for both Riley and Ellie, for a very long time. And I’ve always been very appreciative of that. I wanted…” She looked down at her lip, tapping her fingers lightly against her thighs. “I’d wanted to say that, at your wedding. But I didn’t find a good opportunity.”

“I love them,” she stated, simply.

“Yes. It shows.”

Then, Gianna had been doing her job well, hadn’t she?

***

April 29

There were a lot of things Ellie enjoyed about being pregnant.

There were a lot of things she didn’t enjoy, as well. But most of that was anxiety, and she’d been working through that.

She wasn’t quite sure she bought into any of the rhetoric that this was an emotionally transformative time. She’d read all of the books she could get her hands on, both relating to the science behind it and personal journeys.

One of the aspects she really didn’t enjoy was that, as she was coming into the end of her sixth month, she found it was difficult to be on her feet comfortably for as long as she was used to, in the lab.

And because she’d promised Mia – as well as reading up on the benefit of “listening to her body” which was… admittedly, historically, not something she was incredible at doing – she often found herself sitting at the stool to do the work she preferred to do while standing. It was her ritual.

Speaking of Mia… she carefully peeled off her gloves and slid her goggles up to rest on her forehead as she reached for her phone, seeing that her wife’s name had lit up her screen.

Twenty minutes ago – when she’d received the messages – she’d quite literally been hands-on with chemicals, so she couldn’t exactly answer, then.

Mia had the day off, and was taking the time that Ellie was in the lab to officially paint the nursery. Something Ellie had wanted to do, but the fumes made her sick.

Besides, she didn’t necessarily buy into the fact that she needed to “nest” – at least, she hadn’t felt that way, yet. If Mia wanted to paint the nursery and put together furniture, especially with Riley’s help, as she’d offered to go help her, Ellie was more than grateful for it.

She’d assumed that Mia would be texting just to check in. Which she’d done long before Ellie had ever been pregnant, but the check-ins had doubled since.

Back in the day, she imagined she would have been annoyed at the disruptions to her day in the lab. With Mia, specifically, it was the way it had always been.

She was the singular person that made Ellie excited to put down whatever she was working on to talk to her.

Mia Sharpe – 2:25P.M.Your mom came here? Looking for you?

She said you wanted to talk to her?

Mia’s utter bafflement was clear, and Ellie understood it. She really did.

But she didn’t have time to answer, before she heard her mom clear her throat.

And even though Ellie had been – somewhat – expecting it, she still startled to look up and see her mother. Here.

In her lab.

Something about this felt so… personal. More personal, for her, than her mother coming to her home.

“I didn’t realize you were going to come see me. In person,” she stated, feeling the knots of discomfort work through her, literally feeling her posture tighten up, until she could feel the wear in her scapulas.

Another side effect from being pregnant.

“I was in town,” her mom said back, still standing across the lab.

Ellie felt that her mom’s response was incongruous to her own statement, and she stared at her in question. “I know.”

She knew, logically, that it was true. Because in the last couple of months, her mom had been “in town” every three weeks, at least for a couple of days. She’d spent most of that time at Riley and Gianna’s, helping with the babies.

But she’d also come over to have dinner with herself and Mia a couple of times. Well, once she’d tried to arrange a dinner with just her and Ellie, and Ellie – who did not fancy herself a liar, and, in fact, was terrible at it – had to stutter through a lying excuse as to why that just wouldn’t work out.

Was the world still spinning at 23.5 degrees? Was there something toxic in the atmosphere, altering brain chemistry?

More likely – did her mother have a tumor?!

She’d expressed this concern to Riley, who’d given her a look, then had laughed, and then had sobered. She’d looked Ellie in the eye, and her voice had taken a tone that was low and soft, but it was the tone Ellie had memorized as one Riley used when she wanted to get through to Ellie, but wanted to be gentle about it.

“She’s really trying. And I think we should let her. But you should do what you need to do, or at whatever pace works the best.”

Ellie was still of the belief that a tumor could be in play, but no one else seemed concerned about that.

She’d managed to dodge the one-on-one interaction with her mother fairly well, and she felt comfortable with that.

“You asked me if we could talk,” her mother pointed out, already reaching for her phone as if to show Ellie her own text message to prove it.

“… I know,” she admitted, even as she inwardly regretted that fact.

She’d been having one of her minor anxiety attacks this morning, and the thing that she was most anxious about – the thing that was becoming the most pressing – wasn’t something she could turn to Mia to get comfort.

Well, she could, but… the comfort was less meaningful. Riley and Gianna were both mothers now, too – twice over – but even their advice wasn’t what she was looking for.

The only person she knew that could understand her when it came to this particular aspect, unfortunately, was her own mother.

“But I thought when you said that we could talk “later today” you meant that you’d call me.”

It wasn’t like she was over-the-moon about the prospect of talking to her mom on the phone, but at least it would be better than seeing her face.

She knew all of her mom’s frowns and sighs and… she might not be the best at reading everyone, but she could read her mother. She was pretty sure, anyway, and hadn’t experienced evidence to the contrary.

“Why would I call you, when I’m here?” Her mom asked, quizzically.

Ellie shrugged, hating how her mom – seemingly even without trying – could make her feel so… small. “I shouldn’t have reached out to you, anyway.”

“Why?”

Ellie slowly tilted her head, wondering if this was an obvious question but if her mind just wasn’t putting the dots together.

“I’m not asking you a trick question,” her mom stated, her lips rolling into a small frown.

One that Ellie felt dig at her, like – like she was being an idiot for being suspicious.

“I’m genuinely asking why you now feel you shouldn’t have reached out to me.”

“Because what I want to talk about is me, as a mother. And I know you aren’t happy about my having a child in the first place,” she finished in a whisper, even as saying it aloud made her chest ache again.

She’d known that her mom’s reaction to her pregnancy wouldn’t have been over-the-top enthusiasm; that wasn’t her mom’s style.

But… seeing the outright disappointment? It – it hurt her in ways she hadn’t been prepared for.

Her mom’s eyes widened, and she reeled back, as if Ellie had physically shoved her from where she sat, across the lab, on her stool.

“Excuse me?” Her mom asked, quickly and sternly. “I’m not happy about you having a child? Why do you think that?”

Frustration and exasperation tangled up inside of her, and she tossed her arms to the sides as the energy just needed a way out. “Why wouldn’t I? When I told you that I was pregnant you weren’t exactly thrilled.”

“I said that it was good.”

Ellie might not be an award winner at interpreting tones, but she’d known in that moment on Christmas that she wasn’t being hyperbolic. Everyone in the room had looked the way she’d felt. She found that she couldn’t even dignify it with a response. All she could do was grind her jaw and huff out a breath.

“Fine. Since you’re here, I’d wanted to talk about…”

What did she have to lose? Her mother already thought, obviously, that she wouldn’t be a good one.

“I’m worried that she’s…” A tight, strangled feeling sat high in Ellie’s throat. “Going to be more like me than Mia.”

Her hands came up to lightly touch at her stomach, tracing over Jamie. She memorized the positioning of the baby at every ultrasound, every scan. Wanting – needing – to keep a very close eye on every possible movement. She’d kept obsessive notes over every turning point in the pregnancy – every development that Jamie made.

Her mom frowned at her, sharply. “What do you mean by that?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “I figured you’d know exactly what I mean. You had a much better time raising Riley than raising me.”

This was what she couldn’t express to anyone else in her life. Mia… well, Mia did listen to her every concern and every thought, but Mia also loved Ellie with a passionate intensity that she’d never felt before. So, she knew Mia wouldn’t understand.

And both Riley and Gianna were always just so quick to firmly tell Ellie that she shouldn’t be worried about that. That no matter what Jamie would be like, that she and Mia would know how to handle everything.

But she knew that if anyone could understand, it would be her mom. If she could at least be honest, anyway.

Her mom, with whom she’d always struggled to connect. Her mom, who’d always fussed and frowned over every decision Ellie made.

“I didn’t have a better time raising Riley,” her mom disagreed, walking slowly closer, before drawing up her own stool, sitting a few feet away from her, but on the same level.

A dry, scoffing laugh escaped her, and she shook her head. “Um. Yes. You did.”

Ellie was there; she had the eidetic memory to prove it.

“I might have had an easier time with Riley, but it wasn’t better,” her mother held firm.

That gave her pause, and she narrowed her eyes in thought, turning that over in her mind. “How is that not the same thing?”

“Because…” Her mom rolled her lips, casting her eyes down from Ellie’s for several long moments, before looking back up. “Because you really did bring me so much joy. Throughout your entire life.”

Everything inside of her went flat.

“Mom, I wanted to talk to you, specifically, because I want to be able to have an honest conversation about this. I’m not looking for you to try to make me feel better by lying. You’ve always been brutally honest with me, and I want that now.”

Her mom’s frown deepened. “I’ve always been brutally honest with you because I don’t really know another way to be. With both you and your sister.”

“You’ve always had an easier time talking to Riley than talking to me,” she vehemently disagreed, and she knew it was the truth. Her memory rarely failed her, and it wasn’t going to start now.

“Just because Riley is – she’s so like your father,” her mom said, stumbling over the words as she, too, was clearly buried in her emotion the same way Ellie felt.

And she knew that statement shouldn’t hurt. But it did. It stung.

And not necessarily even because it was wrong; Riley was like their father. Warm and personable and supportive and extroverted. They were two of the only people – up until knowing Mia. Maybe Gianna, but… even then, it was different – that Ellie had felt so at-ease with. So understood by.

But… but it hurt, because of how close she’d been with their dad. And so much of her had always identified as being similar to him, too.

“And you’re… well, you’re like me,” her mom finished, quietly.

Ellie reeled back, burning hot disagreement lacing through her veins as she shook her head.

She caught herself before she could say her mother was dead wrong, but only just barely.

“How do you mean?” She asked, instead, but she could hear her own skepticism.

“I mean… people have always been harder to understand for you. Connecting with – with this,” she gestured around the lab, a reverence in her expression and her voice for the science that surrounded them being one of the only things Ellie, personally, thought made them similar. “With facts and things you can prove, it’s always been natural for you. And it’s the same for me,” her mom finished, after a slight hesitation. “It’s… perhaps even truer for me, than you.”

“If we’re so similar, then why is it harder for us to connect? Shouldn’t it be different?” She challenged, because she couldn’t quite bring herself to agree with this supposition just yet.

Even if she started to have a sneaking suspicion.

“I didn’t know – I never – that’s what makes it so hard for me.” In a move so uncharacteristic from her mother, who was almost always reserved, she lifted her hands and dragged them through her hair. “And I get that same sense from Riley that you get. That she is easy to talk to.”

… yes, that made sense, Ellie supposed.

“And you and I – we don’t have that easiness,” her mom finished, sounding pained and perplexed and stilted.

Sounding very much the way Ellie felt.

Wow. Perhaps they really were the same.

“Ellie, you are so brilliant. And maybe – maybe you don’t remember, but,” her mom turned to her, an excitement and eagerness etched over her face in ways Ellie didn’t typically see. “When you were little, before you were in full-time school, it was you and me. I’d take you out in the woods near the house, and I’d tell you all of the names of the plants and I taught you about the biomes and the microsystems and you soaked it in like a sponge, and it was so incredible.”

There was that reverence again. Only… stronger, now. Riveting Ellie to the spot.

“You were so incredible. I could see then how intelligent you were. Even back then,” she murmured, like the softness in her voice could stroke over that memory with fondness.

“So what changed?” She asked, needing to know.

Because… maybe she recalled snippets of those memories in the woods with her mom. But it wasn’t in her predominant memories from her childhood.

The little smile on her mom’s mouth fell, and she took in a long, deep breath. “You started school. And you started having problems fitting in and relating to your classmates, and you were so upset by it, and so… emotional about it.”

Yeah, that was in a lot of Ellie’s predominant early childhood memories.

Her mom’s eyebrows furrowed as she narrowed her eyes down at her lap. “I went from being able to have all of the answers for your big, beautiful brain, to having… none. I wasn’t equipped to help you through those problems, because I’d always had similar ones. Suddenly, I couldn’t give you the responses you were looking for, and I,” she swallowed visibly tightly. “I struggled, really, to comfort you. Because all I could really tell you was that one day, it wouldn’t matter. Because that was how I got through all of those experiences, myself. One day, it didn’t matter. One day, I met your father, and he did understand me. And the world felt so much easier. One day, I did have peers to socialize with, people that I could talk to, on a shared wavelength.”

Ellie also recalled her mother calmly giving her that “advice” which – true to her mom’s word – did not comfort her at all. Because “one day” didn’t help her cope with right now, when she’d been six and seven and ten and thirteen, always feeling like the odd person out. With her only real, constant tether in a social setting being Riley.

“That’s when we started to have that disconnect. When you didn’t want to come to me, anymore. Because I didn’t make you feel better the way your father could.” Her mom offered her a small, tenuous smile, and a shrug. “And I was just… grateful that he could give you that.”

The backs of her eyes burned, and she had to reach up, swiping her hands over them. Damn her pregnancy hormones.

Her mom hesitantly reached out, sliding closer so she could put her hand over Ellie’s. “But you have always been a gift to me. Those early years, walking through the woods together, your little hands in mine…”

She trailed off, her voice thick as she stared down at their hands, now.

“In my worst of times, I’d think about that. And if your child is anything like you, then you’ll be very, very blessed.”

Nearly seven months pregnant, emotional, and overwhelmed, she stared at her mom and tried to muddle through the litany of feelings coursing through her. “But you just said, you’re like me. And you didn’t know how to help me or connect with me. What happens if that’s how it feels with my own daughter?”

Her mom squeezed her hand, and took in a deep breath, before she slowly, measuredly, breathed it out. “You are better than I am, Ellie. And that… that’s the goal when you raise your children. You’ll see. You want them to have more and be better.” There was a promise, something real and genuine and whole, in her voice, in the way she squeezed Ellie’s hand. “You are smarter than I am. And I suppose that’s why I’ve always pushed for you to achieve more, because I’ve always been so – so excited by your beautiful brain; I didn’t realize that it felt so disapproving to you.” She cleared her throat again when her voice wavered. “You are smarter, but you also truly are more available, emotionally.”

Ehhh. Maybe sometimes, but… Ellie could vividly recall evidence to the contrary.

Her mom must have been able to see Ellie’s very lackluster thoughts reflected on her face, and she shook her head firmly.

“You are. I’ve seen it in so many ways.”

“Then why…” She trailed off, her throat feeling so thick and tight and heavy. She swallowed tightly, pushing through, to ask, “Aren’t you happy for me?”

Her mom’s gaze trailed to land on her stomach. “I… my first thought was… it was about how much you’re like me,” she said, so quietly. She swallowed tightly. “And how terrified I was of this – of you, and your sister. And I – I know you perhaps don’t think so, because perhaps I haven’t showed it enough, but I worry about you. All of the time.”

Ellie’s brows furrowed, surprise working through her. “You worry about me?” She repeated.

“Of course I worry about you,” her mom looked at her, as if baffled that Ellie didn’t already know that. “You and Riley, but…” She cleared her throat, her voice raw. “But I was not, in any way, unhappy. And I apologize for making you feel that way.”

She sat back, feeling those words land a lot heavier inside of her than she’d ever have expected. Feeling rocked by them.

“I think… I think that we have some barriers in our communication. In the way we interpret one another,” her mom continued. “But I want to work on it. If you’d like that.”

With that, she paused. Staring at Ellie beseechingly. Imploringly.

And she slowly nodded. No, she wasn’t able to pick through everything she was feeling right now, but she knew she didn’t want to close the door.

“I’d like that.”

***

Five Years Later

It wasn’t always easy.

In fact, for Molly Beckett, parenthood had oftentimes been very, very hard. It had been difficult at times when her husband had been alive, but he’d made everything better.

And it had been so hard after he’d died that for a long time, she’d checked out of it.

Her daughters were raised, and they were good people, successful people, women that were building whole lives and falling in love and having their own families.

She blinked down at the photo of her and James, and… “I think you’d be proud,” she said. “Oh, you’d never have stopped being proud of the girls. But – but, of me,” she allowed, and the truth of that was so freeing to feel.

Yes, there had been lost years, but she was trying to get them back. She didn’t want them to be lost, forever.

She heard the front door open, and she gently lowered the photo back where it rightfully belonged on the mantle over the fireplace.

The stampede of footsteps raced through her house, and for a moment, it brought her right back.

But it wasn’t her two little blonde girls that careened around the corner into the den. Rather, there was five girls – four little blondes, and a little brunette – and… well, they were still hers.

“Happy birthday, Grandma!” They chorused in varying volumes and intensities and tones.

“I’m so glad you all came,” she returned, those words springing from deep inside of her – she was so, so glad.

It was an uphill battle over the last several years, but Mia had been right; she was the only grandparent her baby’s babies would ever have, and she wasn’t going to let them – or James – down.

For years, it had been easy to turn to her peers and friends as company during the holidays and for birthdays, finding it… easier. Unsure of how to bridge the chasm that had formed between herself and her daughters in the aftermath.

This year, though, she would be ringing in sixty-five surrounded by her daughters and daughters-in-law and her grandchildren. Her granddaughters, whose cacophony of footsteps were heading right toward her.

She held open her arms, bracing herself for the impact.

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