I Knew You Were Trouble - 13 (Patreon)

Are we ready for Autumn's life to be a little messy? Maybe

But is Autumn ready, is the better question...

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Part Thirteen

One of Autumn’s least favorite aspects of her job was anything related to networking.

Networking on behalf of Charlotte? Something that was part of the job? Autumn would be there, she would be putting her best foot forward, and she would represent herself and her boss impeccably.

Networking on her own behalf? Well, she was still going to put her best foot forward, and represent herself and her boss impeccably.

But it was far more of a chore than a job duty.

The reality was, Autumn didn’t care to network for herself. She wasn’t looking at this job as a springboard for her career; this was her career. And she was damn good at it. She had no desire to attempt to nab a job elsewhere, leaving Charlotte’s office.

Luckily for her, there weren’t many events designed for her to network at, especially ones that she couldn’t very easily shrug off.

Unfortunately, this weekend in Manhattan in mid-January, there was always an event that Charlotte arranged for her and Maya to go to. A lot of up-and-comers based out of Manhattan, D.C., Boston – major east coast hubs – mingled. It wasn’t necessarily an order; Charlotte most definitely arranged it as a bonus for them, something positive, and Autumn was sure she could wiggle out of it if she wanted to.

But she had no reason to do so.

Especially not this weekend, because this weekend, Honor and Haven weren’t with her. No, they’d been with a temporary placement – one that, according to their newly assigned social worker, had experience with teenagers with trauma – since Thursday, while Autumn was getting an evaluation to affirm her emergency kinship guardianship status.

It was far from being a “quick and easy” process… but Autumn was well aware that having the weight of a senator – of Charlotte Thompson – behind her was a humongous check in the pro column.

The “allegations” of abuse officially filed against her parents were going to be processed through the legal system, but with the caliber of lawyer in Jillian Miller and Charlotte backing her, she’d been granted the right for emergency family placement of the twins until a final decision was made in court. Pending this official evaluation, of course.

In which her profile was being reviewed, she’d had several interviews, and had experienced a home visit to the new apartment she’d officially leased, and would be moving into imminently.

And even though she wasn’t supposed to be in contact with the twins during this evaluation time, she couldn’t help but obsessively check her phone.

Just in case. Because of all of the what ifs.

And… because it gave her something else to focus on while she was standing outside of the doors of the event, taking a little bit of a breather after having been on for the last hour.

Maya was currently inside, still socializing. Autumn had been observing from a polite distance. Occasionally.

The entire evening felt so off, starting from the very beginning.

They haven’t arrived together, which had been an unexpected blow to Autumn. For the last two years – both times they’d come to this event – they hadn’t come to it “together” either, not in any official capacity.

But now, everything was different.

Again, it wasn’t as though she’d expected Maya to ask her to go with her in any official way. She had heard Maya’s boundary, loud and clear. And she understood, even if it hurt – deeply – to have been rejected from their kiss.

That had been nearly three weeks ago, now, and Autumn was doing her damndest to not think about it. Which was made easier because she’d never had so much else to think about in her entire life.

Tonight, though – for the last several days – she didn’t have the distraction of Honor and Haven. Not the way she’d been consumed by since they’d arrived.

And it was all she could do to not to turn her thoughts to Maya.

Maya, who hadn’t asked Autumn if she wanted to go to this event together, even though they were obviously both in New York, and both attending.

No, she hadn’t asked Maya to attend this event with her in advance, either. But she’d thought about it. Multiple times.

Until she’d finally picked up her phone while she’d finished getting ready in her hotel room, and texted to see if Maya wanted to share a car. After all, they’d escaped the dissolution of their intimate relationship unscathed. Right? Things had been “normal” since then.

Only to see Maya’s returning message of I actually already left the hotel a little while ago. I’m sorry, I figured you’d already left, too?

Which… was fair. Because Autumn was running late tonight. Well, later than was typical for her.

Because she was busy not obsessing about all of the things she needed to not obsess over.

Maya. The situation in D.C. with the twins. The anxiety she was managing to hold at bay at the impending situation with her parents, that she just knew was going to happen.

She’d had an emergency therapy session this afternoon – on top of her typical weekly therapy – which had resulted in her being not as punctual as usual.

So, she got it.

Maya hadn’t heard from her by the time Autumn would typically leave when they had somewhere to go. So she’d left. Without Autumn. The way she typically would, given their current… status.

Except.

Autumn was fixated – in a way she was trying so damn hard not to be – about it all. About the sheer strangeness of Maya leaving without her, after not having texted her all afternoon. Even though she knew they’d both arrived in the city this morning, albeit separately, given that Maya had gone to spend the night in Philadelphia to see her family.

Was this how it was going to be, now?

At work, Maya had been… incredible.

And when they were out of work, Maya had showed up in every way possible. Autumn had missed – so, so badly – their intimate relationship, but she hadn’t really had to miss Maya. Because she continued to be there for Autumn and her sisters.

It was only now, tonight, that she had a very jarring realization that she and Maya hadn’t been alone together since that night. Since the night when Maya had begged her to admit to having feelings.

Outside of work, the twins were there. Even if they were in the other room or occupied elsewhere, they were there.

When she and Maya were doing something that wasn’t an on-the-clock responsibility, when Honor and Haven weren’t around… was this it?

Would they have these separate schedules? This distance between them?

The distance Autumn had worked so hard to have for the majority of their time knowing one another, but a distance that felt so… gutting, now.

She heaved a heavy, deep sigh that came from the very depths  of her soul, and closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the wall.

And then she startled, when she heard someone lightly knock against the wall a foot away from her.

The shock coursing through her calmed slightly when she saw that it was Maya. Who was looking at her with concern etched into those deep, soul-searching eyes.

“Everything okay?” She asked.

No. No, it wasn’t. Because while Autumn felt like her life, in one way, was piecing together in a way that was healing her, she simultaneously felt the loss of her relationship with Maya like a hole in her gut.

She cleared her throat, roughly. “Yes. Everything’s fine.”

Maya winged an eyebrow up at her, clearly in disbelief. “Do you need to make an emergency exit out of here?”

For a moment, Autumn stared at Maya and her thoughts whirred into action. Was this Maya asking if Autumn wanted to get out of here, with her? Was this going to be the first time they could be alone together in weeks?

And, if so, what would Autumn do? What could she possibly say?

Maya’s eyebrows furrowed low on her forehead, staring intently at Autumn, as she gestured at Autumn’s purse, where her phone was. “Did you get a message from the twins or something?”

Ah. Maya was asking if Autumn had a legitimate emergency, and if Autumn needed to leave. Alone.

She deflated, leaning heavily back on the wall again. “No. No emergencies. That I’ve heard, anyway.”

“Then I’m sure there are truly no emergencies,” Maya assured in that soft, comforting tone she had. The one Autumn hadn’t even realized worked like magic on her, until these last few weeks were upon them.

“Right,” she agreed, quietly.

She diverted her gaze from Maya, looking out at the marble hallway of the ritzy event venue.

She couldn’t look at Maya right now.

Not when she was making Autumn’s stomach clench, made her want just by how she looked in the suit she was wearing. Burgundy with a white shirt underneath that made everything pop. Somehow, she looked both casual and impeccably dressed up, and every time Autumn’s eyes had landed on her from across the room, her heart flip-flopped in her chest.

“You’ve certainly been rubbing elbows tonight,” she commented, still not bringing herself to look at Maya. Not for a few more seconds, anyway, before the reality of her words sunk in on her.

Because… Maya had been rubbing elbows tonight. A lot more than she typically did when networking.

Autumn was trying not to make everything about herself, but she also had to wonder if it was in an effort to keep busy, and not feel the need to be by Autumn’s side.

“Yeah, well… you know me. Love a good party,” Maya’s voice was light, a little adorably self-deprecating, and it drew Autumn’s gaze right back to her, like a moth to a flame.

She narrowed her eyes as she studied Maya’s expression, wondering what else was going on in her mind.

Maya lifted her hand, dragging it through her hair, which she’d left appealingly down for the night.

Autumn, conversely, had worn a black dress – businessy but not business – and had styled her hair up in a tight chignon.

“Well? Do I clean up well enough to not embarrass Charlotte?” Maya asked, somewhat teasingly, under Autumn’s appraisal.

Again, her heart skipped a beat, because Maya was… resplendent.

She gave a short nod. “I think you pass muster.”

Maya shot her another grin, and she returned it.

And this was how it was between them.

It wasn’t awkward.

There was far too much going on for things to be awkward.

And Autumn wasn’t sure things would be awkward with Maya, anyway. Because Maya wasn’t awkward. She had this uncanny ability to roll out of situations in a way Autumn admired. With the rigidity of her life both in the before and the after – marked in her mind of when she’d left her family – she’d found rules and boundaries to be a Big Thing for her. Cornerstones of her life.

But it wasn’t… what it had been.

What Autumn had gotten used to, despite trying so hard not to. It wasn’t little comments and touches and looks that made her heart race, made her blood pump scaldingly through her veins. It wasn’t the soft little moments that made her feel things she’d never, ever felt.

Before she could go too far down that path in her mind – it was too late, anyway, because she was already aching inside – Maya tapped her knuckles against the wall.

“Oh, I wanted to let you know – about that meeting with Harrington yesterday–”

“I read the notes you took,” Autumn immediately cut in, frowning, because… did Maya think she was slacking that much at work?

Maya rolled her eyes. “Autumn, I know you; I know you read the notes. I’m talking about something I wouldn’t put in the official notes. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” she parroted back, unable to stop herself from smiling slightly.

Maya darted her eyes around furtively, before she leaned in a little, clearly making a point not to be overheard.

Autumn clenched her fists tightly, ordering herself to be normal. Even though this was the closest to Maya she’d been since they’d not-broken-up, beyond when Maya was comforting her.

It was difficult when Maya’s warm breath washed over her neck and made everything inside of her tingle. “My theory that Harrington was into Charlotte? Absolutely correct.”

Autumn reeled back, affronted. “She’s married. To a man.” As in, she’d never once hinted at being queer, herself.

Maya’s eyes glinted with joy, gripping at something inside of Autumn so tightly. “I know! But–” Maya’s volume dipped to a whisper again. “She won’t be for long. She told Charlotte – very calculatedly, making eyes and everything – that she’ll be getting a divorce soon.”

Her mouth dropped open. “I hate that you were right about this.”

Because Maya had insisted that the senator from New Jersey had been interested in Charlotte since they’d met her.

And also, Autumn loved that Maya was right about this.

“What did Charlotte say?” Autumn asked, absolutely riveted.

She loved these moments. The easy ones, the casual ones. They were far too few and far between lately.

Maya waved her hand through the air. “Oh, exactly what you’d expect. Polite condolences about her marriage. And a very clear statement that she was no longer single, herself.”

“Wow,” she breathed out, shaking her head.

What a journey with Charlotte.

“Yep. Let me just say, if there’s a follow up meeting with Harrington, I would love to attend,” Maya offered.

“I’m sure you would,” she dryly shot back, before she got lost, again, in the thoughts of Maya.

Because Maya had only been at the meeting with Harrington due to the fact that Autumn had been out of the office to meet with her social worker. Typically, that meeting was something Autumn would have accompanied Charlotte to, while Maya stayed back and managed the office.

And Maya had been doing a hell of a lot of that – both her own job duties and stepping in for Autumn consistently.

“I…” She trailed off, glancing away from Maya, as she started to feel overwhelmed by the feelings inside of her. “I want you to know that I really appreciate that. I…”

She forced herself to look back at Maya.

Which was in no way a hardship, because she wanted to stare at Maya. God, did she want to stare at her.

She always had. In ways she was only just now making true peace with, which she knew was fucked up, given their relationship over the last several months.

But she was only now making peace with a lot of aspects of her life. Only just now able to start to do so.

And, in that same vein, it was hard to look at her.

Hard to look and ache with how much she wanted to touch her. How much she missed that physical affection.

Rolling her shoulders, she set her jaw and stared right at Maya, like she was staring into the sun. “I hope you know that.”

Maya nodded, slowly, holding Autumn’s gaze for a few beats, before she glanced away. Like maybe it was hard for her, too, in all of the ways she was good at not showing to Autumn, now. “Of course. I mean, I’ve always wanted you to take more time from work, as I’ve said.”

Her attempt at lightness fell flat, and Autumn shook her head. Continuing to stare, directly, at Maya. Willing her to look back. “I’m not just thanking you for work. I’m thanking you for everything.”

Because it wasn’t just Maya doing half of Autumn’s job in the last few weeks. That, actually, might be at the bottom of the barrel.

It was how she constantly showed up to check in on not only Autumn, but Honor and Haven. How she brought them meals. How she’d joined them when they’d gone out to explore the area, trying to make the twins more comfortable. As if she could sense that Autumn needed her, in ways she didn’t vocalize. Not only because she struggled with it, but because she knew it wasn’t fair to Maya to ask.

Maya turned and leaned against the wall next to Autumn. Not quite touching, but this way, it wasn’t weird for them not to be not looking at one another, either.

“Ah, speaking of the twins – have you told them yet?” Maya asked.

“Told them…?”

“That you’re a giant lesbian,” Maya dourly finished, turning to look at her like she was being ridiculous.

“Hmm,” Autumn nodded, exhaling sharply. “Right. That.”

Maya laughed, and the sound trickled through Autumn’s veins like honey. “Yeah, that small and insignificant detail of your life.”

Autumn’s lips quirked up briefly in response, even as she lightly fiddled with the strap of her purse. Her stomach tied into uneasy nerves every time she’d broached this topic even mentally. “Not exactly.”

“Autumn,” Maya’s exasperation was gentle, but clear. Not admonishing, but supportive, somehow.

Her hand landed on Autumn’s arm, and there it was. That touch that was so fucking comforting and it made Autumn feel like she was worth so much, while she wanted more at the same time.

“You’re literally getting your final approval to become their emergency guardian right now. They should really, you know, know.”

She grimaced, narrowing her eyes, as she felt herself hit that wall inside. The one where she wanted to clam up and become a little defensive, instinctively. She knew her sisters. She knew the way they’d been raised, she knew what they’d been preached about homosexuality.

But… she didn’t want to lash out at Maya. Maya, who did have the right to talk to Autumn about all of this and offer her thoughts, because she was a part of it. She was there, every day.

And even more so, because she knew Maya wasn’t necessarily wrong.

Only, “It’s not that simple.”

“I know it’s not simple. I didn’t say it would be. I said that they need to know,” Maya countered, gently but firmly.

Autumn grinded her molars. “Theoretically, sure. But…”

But… what if? She couldn’t – wouldn’t – lose Honor and Haven because of this. If they weren’t ready…

“They took it well when it came to me,” Maya reminded her, neednessly. “I think I’ve answered every question no matter how big or small, how outlandish or wild, they could possibly come up with. And, please correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re good with me.” She frowned. “Seriously, please correct me if I’m wrong.”

She was already shaking her head. “You aren’t; they really like you.”

They’d talked about Maya enough with those admiring tones when she wasn’t around that Autumn knew it was a fact. They’d been a little trepidatious about her after she’d told them she was a lesbian, that was also a fact.

But they were much more curious than put-off by Maya’s sexuality.

Still…

“But, I’m not you,” she said, as plainly as she could.

And she hoped that Maya didn’t take it insultingly.

She didn’t. “I know; I came out to them as basically a stranger. You’re their sister.”

“Exactly.” Autumn knew – unspoken, but she knew – that they weren’t supposed to face one another, but she couldn’t help herself. She turned, leaning one arm against the wall so she could stare at Maya. “They need me. And I can’t take the chance that this could be the thing that gives them pause.”

Maya turned as well, to face Autumn. She had that determined look, the one that she didn’t wear all of the time, because usually she was so… go-with-the-flow. But when she felt positive about something – like when setting the boundary of their intimacy – she had this look. The one that said she knew she was correct, and she wasn’t going to waiver.

“Yeah. You are their big sister that they risked everything to come and find, to help them. They took the biggest gamble of their entire lives, and they bet on you. And I know it’s different, and you’re going to do what you think is right.” Maya pulled up her shoulders in a deep shrug. “But… you want this situation with them to be permanent. For that to happen, you need to be yourself with them. I think you can bet on them.”

Autumn held Maya’s gaze with her own, now, her heart in her throat.

She hated that she pushed Maya away. She hated herself for it, in ways she hadn’t hated herself in a very, very long time. She hated that she couldn’t reach out for Maya, and that it was all her own fault.

She hated that if Maya had said this to her a month ago, when they were still sleeping together and Autumn’s entire world hadn’t shifted so wildly, that she would have balked at Maya trying to offer such advice to her.

And she loved and hated that she felt, deep inside, that Maya was right.

“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. I thought that was you.” A woman’s voice came from a few feet away, near the doors to the event.

They both turned, coming face to face with a woman Autumn was entirely unfamiliar with, and she felt her hackles rise. Automatically, she pushed herself up from the wall and drew her shoulders back as she regarded the woman with caution.

Politely, because she was always cognizant of the fact that she was here as a representative of Charlotte. But still.

It became immediately apparent, however, that this woman wasn’t referring to Autumn at all.

She was focused on Maya, who also pushed herself off from leaning against the wall, but definitely didn’t have the same defensive posturing as Autumn.

“Nadia?” Maya asked, a smile blooming over her face.

Autumn zeroed in on it, noting that Maya was genuinely surprised, but the smile was authentic. She was truly pleased to see Nadia, whoever she was.

She cut an imposing figure, Autumn had to grudgingly admit. Tall and blonde. Striking features.

Nadia and Maya hugged, both leaning in for it. And the embrace was familiar enough. Affectionate.

She knew whoever Nadia was, she wasn’t someone that was regularly in Maya’s life. Because in the last six months, Autumn had become very familiar with Maya’s life. Well, even more than she already had been.

She kept a close eye on the situation, but she didn’t make a sound, didn’t insert herself into it, even though a part of her – this surprising, but undeniable part – wanted to.

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Nadia commented as she drew back, but squeezed Maya’s arms, warmly. “I thought I heard through the grapevine that you’re in D.C. now?”

“I am,” Maya affirmed. “Working for Senator Thompson.”

Nadia groaned, dropping her head back. “Yep, that’s exactly what I’d heard but I didn’t want to believe it.”

Autumn frowned, deeply, regarding Nadia in a very negative light, right off the bat. Excuse her? Not only impugning Charlotte, but also Maya’s choice to work for her?

Maya shot her a glance, as if she could read her mind.

And, startingly, Autumn realized that Maya probably could. Not in a technical sense, of course, but… she knew Autumn so well, now. Even if Autumn had held back all of the details from Maya, even if she didn’t verbalize anything, Maya knew her.

There was a little amused smile on Maya’s lips, though, and Autumn wanted to take offense at it. At feeling laughed at.

But… she didn’t.

Because even though Maya might be amused by her, she wasn’t laughing at her.

Still, she made a show of rolling her eyes at Maya, because she enjoyed this. She enjoyed this moment of silent communication.

“This is Autumn Alton, my colleague. Autumn, this is Nadia Bolton. We went to law school together.”

Autumn angled her chin up, so she and Nadia were almost at the same eye-level, before she offered her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Nadia slid her hand into Autumn’s, giving her a quick but friendly handshake, mirrored with a friendly smile. Easy-going, open, warm. Yes, Autumn could see how Nadia and Maya had been friends. “Likewise.”

After the quick, firm handshake, Nadia turned back to Maya. “I’m actually going to head out of here soon. There’s a bar down the street a few of my friends are at, if you want to come?”

“What, no, I love networking,” Maya sarcastically insisted, before breaking into a smile. “Honestly, yes, please,” she agreed.

And Autumn knew Maya had never loved this event, either, so… that made sense.

As soon as she’d responded, though, she paused, and glanced at Autumn so quickly, she might have missed it had she not been already staring at her.

“Maybe in a little while. I’ll meet you there later?”

“Maya, you should go,” she found herself insisting.  

Maya blinked at her in surprise. Which was fair, because it was unlike Autumn to encourage Maya to leave a “work” even – even if they weren’t really working, and it was all for networking. But it was an event that Charlotte encouraged them to go to, that she made arrangements for.

But… Autumn really meant it.

When was the last time Maya wasn’t bogged down by Autumn and/or her family drama? She wanted that for her.

“You’re totally welcome to come with us,” Nadia invited, and it really didn’t sound like some sort of thoughtless pity add-on; it sounded very genuine.

The no was on the tip of her tongue, because that had been Autumn’s default for… so long, now.

Decline invitations that might put her in any situation where she wasn’t as prepared as she could possibly be, as in control as she could be. Decline invitations of “having a good time” because Autumn

“You also don’t have to come,” Maya said, quietly. Reassuringly.

Doing that comforting thing she did, the thing that miraculously had started working on Autumn’s consistently frayed nerves. Because she knew Autumn’s instinct was to decline.

She absently tapped her finger lightly against her purse, where her phone was, thinking about her sisters. On one hand, she wanted to make sure she was available and at-the-ready if anything came up.

But on the other hand, she wasn’t in D.C., the whole point of this weekend was that the girls weren’t with her right now. And…

And Maya was going to leave the event, and Autumn wanted to be where Maya was. She didn’t want distance, even if she knew it was what made sense, given their… circumstances.  

“I’m not trying to entice you in either direction, but the bar does start karaoke at eight, and we both know how Maya can really get the crowd moving,” Nadia entered the conversation once more.

Maya laugh-groaned. “Oh my god, I haven’t done that in forever.”

Admittedly, Autumn’s interest was piqued. Because she’d never experienced that part of Maya, before.

Which was her own doing, and she knew that. But how else would she ever see it, now?

There was a part of her – an admittedly large part – that was resistant to this. That was telling Autumn she should stay at this event for another requisite thirty minutes, before doing what she would normally do: go back to her room and decompress. Possibly use the treadmill in the hotel gym to tire herself out.

It was what she would have done before… everything, and she did still feel the gut-instinct that told her it was the most logical decision.

But where had that gotten her?

Honor and Haven coming back had brought this color into her life, in a way she couldn’t shut out. And it highlighted, spectacularly, all of the ways in which Autumn’s life had turned so gray. Nondescript. Beige. In an effort to maintain control and order, she’d pushed out everything else.

The only splashes of color had been because of the woman right in front of her.

“I’m going to grab my jacket from the coat check,” Nadia informed them. “I’ll be right back, and then we’ll head out?”

Maya nodded in confirmation, and Autumn waited just long enough for Nadia to be out of earshot before she forced herself to jump over this uncomfortable hurdle in her gut, the one that was trying to hold her back.

“Do you mind?” She had to clear her throat, pursing her lips as she clarified, “If I come?”

For a couple of seconds, Maya was quiet, studying Autumn closely.

Clearly trying to understand why Autumn wanted to come, when it was so… not Autumn. Finally, as Autumn’s stomach was tying into knots – because this was how it would be, then. Unless it involved work or the twins, they were done. In every way. God.

She released a long, deep whoosh of air when Maya finally shook her head. “Uh, no. I mean, if you want to come, then you should. I just…” She rolled her lips, clearly not opening the door to explore the conversation, the way she once would have.

“You know, you’ve had so much on your plate, maybe it would be good for you to cut loose. I’ve just never seen you actually cut loose before.”

Autumn tilted her jaw up, defensively. “I can be… loose.”

Maya tossed her head back and laughed. A laugh that came from the very depths of her, something that echoed through the hallway. A laugh that ricocheted through Autumn, reaching somewhere in her fucking soul.

She enjoyed having made Maya laugh like that. And she also – irrationally, unfamiliarly – wanted to let Maya know that she could.

“I merely choose not to,” she haughtily informed Maya, whose laughter quieted minimally.

“Mhmm,” Maya hummed right back. “We’ll see.”

“We will.”

***

Autumn hadn’t cut loose in a long time. Not in years.

But if there was a night for it, wasn’t it this one?

She was away from home, out of her typical daily routine.

Soon, ideally, she was going to have the responsibility of Honor and Haven full-time, so this opportunity wouldn’t come around again. Technically, sure, it could, but… Autumn took the responsibility she was taking on seriously.

And the Maya of it all.

She couldn’t remember what it was to want something – someone – she couldn’t have. She’d never let herself get to this point. She’d never met someone else that was both patient and insistent in that way that was just right, that they managed to break through all of her guards.

Even more than that, she couldn’t imagine it happening again. And maybe things would be different going forward, with how guarded she was. With Honor and Haven, she truly did feel cracked open in the good kind of way.

But would that person be Maya? Would that person have wanted her enough to stay even when she’d been difficult to get to know? Difficult to love?

How could she try to have this conversation with Maya, now? How? When Maya had made it clear she was here for Autumn as a friend, and only a friend, after everything?

If there would ever be a better time for Autumn to “cut loose” she couldn’t imagine it.

And then there was that part of her that, crazily, needed Maya to know that Autumn wasn’t the same person that had shut her down, weeks ago.

She couldn’t be that person and still provide the twins with the safe – emotionally as well as physically – harbor they needed.

She could and would do things like go out with Maya’s friends and get drinks. She would go to brunch with her. She’d needed that push to freefall over the cliff she’d been on the precipice of, and she’d more than gotten the mighty shove she’d needed.

But she was cognizant of the fact that they weren’t together, in any way, when they arrived at the bar. She was going to give Maya space.

After her first drink – she didn’t really know what it was, but she knew Nadia had given it to her and said, “I started a tab, get whatever you want.” – she felt a little looser. Being here, in this dim bar, packed full of people, felt a little less claustrophobic.

And Maya was socializing, like the friendly, extroverted butterfly she was. They locked eyes multiple times, and she could see that Maya was glancing over to check in on her.

After her second drink, she’d snagged a seat at the bar, and she was feeling light. The reservations she typically had were hazier, fading into the background.

After her third drink, she abandoned her stool when she saw Nadia approach the bar.

She reached up and brushed a few strands of hair that had somehow escaped back, feeling far too hot.  

But she was a woman on a mission, and she reached out to tap Nadia on the shoulder. As soon as she turned around, Autumn was ready.

“You – hey, Nadia, you should know that Maya is amazing,” she stressed.

Then she found herself laughing, pressing a hand over her mouth. “I don’t mean – I mean, she’s amazing at our job. At working for Charlotte. And that – you know, that’s nothing to sniff at.”

Nadia lifted her eyebrows, looking amused, before she slowly nodded. “Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you by my comment earlier. I was only saying that because… do you know how maddening it is to have the person who graduated top of your class in law school decide, nah. Gonna go do something else. I spent years nipping at her heels, and then she doesn’t even do it?!”

Autumn wrapped her mind around what Nadia was saying with as much seriousness, as much weight, as she possibly could in this moment.

“Okay. I see your point,” she acknowledged. “But… still.”

Nadia stared at her for several beats, her eyes big and soft – and Autumn was grateful she was drunk, because she didn’t have to feel any type of way about whatever Nadia might be observing about her right now.

After her fourth drink, that lightness started to dip.

Because Maya did kill it with karaoke. And she wasn’t the best singer, but she was fun and engaging, and the crowd did love her.

And she wasn’t Autumn’s. Because Autumn had too much fucking baggage, and she hadn’t been able to work through it before it cost her Maya, and it hurt.

She was frowning, staring hard down at the bar top, when Maya came up to her. She leaned against the bar, facing Autumn, and they were pressed close together because of how crowded it was, and Autumn… she didn’t even know what she felt. She didn’t know.

But what she did know, was that she needed to tell Maya, “You were great. Here, I’ll get you a drink, as a reward. Billy–” She started to call out to the bartender.

Maya cut in, “Don’t worry about summoning Billy. The bartender you’re on a first-name basis with after having only been here for less than an hour.”

“I can make friends.” She scoffed, waving her hand through the air, nearly hitting the woman next to her by slightly misjudging the distance.

Maya reached out and snagged her hand, bringing it back down between them. “So… how many drinks has your new bestie served you?”

She shrugged noncommittally, sending Maya a victorious look.

“I told you I can cut loose.” She let out a laugh, then laughed a little harder just… because. Because this was loose, wasn’t it? “You didn’t believe me.”

Maya wasn’t laughing, though. She was doing the exact opposite, actually, before she murmured, “Yeah, I guess that was my mistake.”

Maya blew out a deep breath, tapping on the bar lightly, before she said, “Hey, I think I’m going to head back to the hotel. Want to grab a car with me?”

Immediately, Autumn sobered. “What? You, no, you said you were going to do another karaoke song, after your last one.”

Maya shrugged. “I’m not feeling it.”

It didn’t feel right to Autumn. Something was not right, but she couldn’t really think about what it was right now. She couldn’t try to decipher whatever Maya wasn’t saying, because all she did think about was sharing a car with Maya back to their hotel.

God, yes, she wanted that.

The whirlwind of Maya saying goodbye to Nadia, ordering an uber, and getting them both out to the crowded sidewalk was a blur in her mind, and all she could think about was how she loved being a couple inches taller than Maya. She loved being able to take in all of her, from the top of her head down.

And she realized she must have fallen asleep for most of the ride, because she snapped her eyes open when they were only a block away from their hotel. Her head had been lolling back against the seat, and she didn’t lift it.

Instead, she swiveled to look at Maya.

Who was looking right back at her already, her eyes luminous as they passed the bright lights of the city outside of the car.

“I know I’m not much fun,” she whispered.

“I think you’re plenty of fun,” Maya assured. “Even when you don’t go hard at the bar.”

Autumn scoffed, loudly. “Yeah, when we’re having sex that blows our fucking minds. That’s–” She sighed, deeply, both physically and emotionally feeling that yearning feeling inside of her. “That was really fun.”

Frankly, Autumn couldn’t remember a time she’d ever had so much fun as she had with Maya over those months together.

Maya cleared her throat, glancing away from her.

“Yes, it was,” she agreed, but didn’t let Autumn do what she really wanted to do in this moment, which was follow that thread until it unraveled. “But I wasn’t talking about sex. I think you’re fun to hang out with.”

Her breath caught in her throat, and her face felt hot all over again, and she wanted to laugh and cry.

“You’re probably alone in thinking that,” she pointed out, and her body made the decision to laugh. Thankfully.

And then she laughed even harder.

Because she wasn’t fun.

Autumn knew that. She hadn’t been living her life to include fun. Fun wasn’t really on the menu when she was living to survive. To optimize her life so that she never had to fall back into the depths of nothingness. Focus on the goal, focus on how to get there without losing anything in the process.

No one else would say that she was fun. Probably not in her whole life.

Except for those first couple of months in Rhode Island, maybe, when she’d been so lost and so fucked up. The last time she’d gotten drunk like this, the last time she’d gone to clubs and bars.

“Autumn?” Maya was closer, now.

So close, that Autumn blinked several times to clear her vision – because apparently, her body had decided to turn her laughter to tears, and now she was crying.

Maya’s face was the picture of concern, and she could see that even now, even with this fuzziness in the way of her thinking.

“I’m fine,” she pledged, sniffling, as she used her palms to swipe over her cheeks.

Their uber driver came to a stop, clearing his throat. “Here.”

Maya blew out a deep breath, shaking her head slightly, as Autumn reached up again to scrub over her eyes and cheeks. She didn’t want to be seen like this, even if she was drunk.

She was pretty sure she’d maintained her composure as they walked through the lobby, doing her very best to hold herself together even when it was just the two of them in the elevator.

Before she snapped her eyes open in terror, feeling herself start to panic. “Wait! My purse.” She felt around her body, trying to find it, but, “I left it in the uber. We have to get it. I – if the twins need me–”

“I have it,” Maya interjected, quickly reaching out and dropping her hand to the small of Autumn’s back, a steady, warm touch. “I grabbed it, don’t worry.”

She blinked down, managing to focus enough to, indeed, see her purse in Maya’s hands.

And then she felt the tears sting at the backs of her eyes again, so she closed them tightly in an effort not to let them fall.

“I’m fine,” she repeated to Maya, holding her hands over her eyes, as she allowed Maya to guide her out of the elevator when the doors opened.

“People who are fine don’t usually cry like that,” Maya pointed out, astutely.

She managed to hold back the tears, even though it made her throat so fucking tight it hurt to breathe. But she was proud.

And then she looked around, realizing what direction they were going in. “Are you taking me to your room?”

Maya hummed in affirmation as she fished her key card out of the pocket of her pants. “Yep.”

If she’d gone to Maya’s hotel room at any point in the last four months, it would be for sex. And even if she wasn’t drunk right now, she knew it wouldn’t be for sex, and she – she hated it.

She did her best to balk, but then stumbled slightly in her heels.

“You don’t have to do that. I know you’re trying to look after me.”

Maya hummed again.

“You don’t have to do that,” she insisted again. “You – you don’t even… I don’t… you’ve been taking care of me too much, and it’s not fair.”

“Luckily for both of us, I’m the one who determines what’s fair for me.”

Autumn was vehemently shaking her head. Because – because it was everything. It was Maya putting aside her own feelings about whatever wasn’t happening between them to help Autumn constantly. And Autumn loved it and despised it, and it wasn’t fair.

“You’re too nice to me.” But she didn’t stop walking along with Maya to her room.

Even if she didn’t think it was fair, she couldn’t make herself stop. She didn’t want to. She wanted to be close to her, even if it was because Maya was taking care of her.

“I’m the appropriate amount of nice to you,” Maya countered, as she swiped her key card over the lock and opened her door with a flourish. “Especially right now. I’d worry about you.”

Autumn drew her shoulders back and walked past Maya into her room, jutting her chin out. “I’ve been drunk before, thank you very much. And it was in a way worse situation than going back to a secure hotel room.”

She heard Maya close the door behind them as she said, “Well, I’ve never seen you drunk before.”

“That’s because you didn’t know me at my worst.”

And with that, she pulled out the rolling chair at Maya’s desk and plopped down into it, feeling the weight of those memories swirling around in her mind.

It almost made her feel sick to her stomach.

She frowned, deeply, suddenly feeling like everything was too tight. Her hair, her dress…

She started with her hair, reaching up to tug jerkily at the bobby pins. Which was stupid, why had she put in so many bobby pins?

To try to maintain her hair so not a strand fell out of place?

Why did she fucking care about that? Why did she have to care about stuff like that?

She hissed out a breath when her embarrassingly non-dexterous, at the moment, fingers pulled too tightly on some of her hair. “Fuck.”

Before she realized what was happening, Maya was in front of her, standing between Autumn’s knees. She gently batted away Autumn’s hands, and started sliding her own fingers through her hair, finding the bobby pins.

“When I went to grad school, I partied. At least, for a few months. Because my whole world shifted. Just like that,” she lifted her hand into the air and snapped her fingers.

“Right,” Maya said, softly, as she continued undoing Autumn’s hair, sliding out the bobby pins, and then massaging.

It felt so good, Maya’s fingers working over her scalp, and she shuddered with it, leaning into her touch.

Feeling lulled right into that comfortable place, mixed with the alcohol coursing through her, Autumn found herself continuing to share.

“I just… I did all of the things I was told were wrong, for my whole life. I drank. A lot. I had sex with women. A lot,” she admitted, and the truth was that a lot of those nights were a blur for her. Not even because she was drunk right now, but because almost everything from that summer was a blur in her mind. A very heavy, uncomfortable blur.

“I think that makes a lot of sense,” Maya’s tone was so sweet, so affirming, especially in conjunction with her touch.

“Yeah. Well. I didn’t really like it. I mean, I did. But I also didn’t.” She frowned, staring straight ahead.

Maya stood a little less than a foot in front of her. She’d taken off the suit jacket, still wearing that soft-looking white shirt. The generous – perfect – scoop of her breasts was at eye level with her, but she was doing her best not to look.

Especially as she was trying to tell Maya about her past. About things she didn’t like, about things she was ashamed of.

“And then graduate classes were starting, and in one of my classes, I got a C- on my first paper,” she admitted in a shamed whisper.

There was a little bit of lightness in Maya’s voice as she cajoled, “A C isn’t a terrible grade, you know. Especially for someone who’s spiraling.”

Autumn reeled back, pulling away from the perfect way Maya was touching her, so she could nail her with an offended look.

“It was a C minus. The lowest grade I’d ever gotten on anything in my life was a B+. And I was only at Brown in the first place because I was on a full grant from the Thompson Foundation. To remain eligible for the full benefit – which not only covered tuition, but housing – my GPA had to stay at a 3.5 GPA or higher.”

Maya lifted her eyebrows down at her, clicking her tongue. “The Thompson Foundation, huh? That really makes some things clearer...”

Autumn nodded, decisively. “Yes. Because when my family left me there in the hospital, I had nothing. I was sleeping in the library on campus. I got clothes through the lost and found. I… I didn’t know what to do. Eventually, I went to the counselors on campus, and they helped me apply for all of these emergency funds and grants. But I was more focused on Brown. I didn’t care about sleeping in the library or – or wherever. I just had to get out of Ohio. I had to get away. I needed to make sure it was still possible.”

“Autumn,” Maya breathed out, and Autumn found herself pulled forward, her cheek against the soft fabric of Maya’s shirt as she was pressed against her stomach.

The horrible truth that she’d learned over the last few weeks was that talking about her past with Maya wasn’t as hard as she’d always imagined it would be. Not once the door had been opened.

Because in her mind, Autumn was so… detached from a lot of it. Sometimes, she felt truly dissociated from bits and pieces of it. Sometimes, she didn’t even know the things she’d disclosed here and there to Maya – usually in reference to the twins to elaborate on certain things – were as horrific as Maya seemed to think they were.

While Maya seemed to be overcome by Autumn’s past, all Autumn could do was hate the fact that she hadn’t been able to share this with Maya, sooner.

But she was, now.

And all she could do was move forward. That had been a hard lesson she’d learned many years ago.

In the present, Maya was stroking her hands through Autumn’s hair, sending shivers down her spine. In the present, she felt good, and she breathed out a content hum, turning to gently rub her nose against Maya. Just to breathe her in while she had the chance.

Was she allowed to lift her hands and touch Maya back? It would be an awkward angle, because if she wrapped her arms around Maya from where she was sitting, she’d essentially be hugging her thighs.

So, she didn’t. It railed against everything she wanted, but she kept her hands to herself.

See, even intoxicated she could be in control. There.

“That’s where I started thinking Charlotte was so incredible,” she murmured, hoping it wouldn’t end this contact. She didn’t want Maya to pull away, to stop this embrace. “It was her initiative that she’d started in New York, supporting women in… less fortunate living situations… to have access to quality education. The one that the Foundation ended up adopting and funding throughout the country. And I know she didn’t know me, I know Charlotte didn’t pick me. But… it saved me. Not only because I could afford to go to Brown, but because I – I was going somewhere really dark. But having this expectation to live up to, to succeed, it…”

“It gave you a reason,” Maya supplied, her voice rough, digging her fingernails in so lightly against Autumn’s scalp.

Autumn nodded, enjoying the fabric against her cheek. Releasing a soft sigh at the feeling. “Yes. And it was what got me on the path to getting a therapist for the first time. And finding a therapist for several years that specialized in religious trauma.”

A swift, unexpected ache slammed into her, stealing her breath even as she huffed out a humorless laugh.

She turned to press her forehead against Maya, leaning into her fully. “Even though I’m sure from your perspective it doesn’t seem like I’ve worked through things.”

Which was fair, because Autumn knew that she’d never be able to outrun her past. All she could do was continue to work through her issues that stemmed from it, and it was likely going to be a life-long process.

But fuck if she didn’t wish that her issues presented in being so resistant to being vulnerable, to letting someone in.

Maybe tonight would be different, if that was the case.

She could feel the way Maya’s breath caught, and how her hands paused for a second.

“I think you’re really incredible, Autumn,” Maya whispered, hoarsely, and it sounded somehow like a promise.

“I miss this,” Autumn breathed out, unable to stop herself. She burrowed her face in closer to Maya, daring to bring her arms up and wrap around her, no matter how strange of an angle it was. Relishing in the closeness. “I never said it. I didn’t tell you like I should have. I didn’t – I…”

She didn’t even know what she was doing now. She had no fucking clue, but she couldn’t stop. The words continued to escape her, even though Maya had told her they weren’t doing this. That she was here for Autumn to support her through the insanity bomb that had exploded in her life, but not more.

When was the next time this would happen, though? Being so close like this? When? Would it ever?

“I didn’t know it was going to be the last time when it was the last time. I wish I’d known.”

What would she have done differently? It was the morning she’d gone to Charlotte’s. And Charlotte had needed her. Well, she’d needed someone.

But… but if she’d had the knowledge she had now, she…

The clarity struck through her like lightning, stealing her breath away.

If she’d known that staying with Maya and going to get breakfast with her could have changed this track they were on, she would have stayed. Charlotte would have been okay without her.

She didn’t regret it; couldn’t regret it. She had helped Charlotte.

But she believed that Charlotte would have figured her issues out sooner rather than later, either way. Mostly because she knew Charlotte wouldn’t let Sutton go again. She’d have gotten there, even if Autumn hadn’t streamlined the conversation for her.

If she’d been able to force herself to peel away the layers and push through the terror of true emotional vulnerability to just have one conversation with Maya that day, things could have been different.

She would have fucked Maya in every position that crossed her mind. She would have tasted Maya’s orgasms on her tongue repeatedly, in the ways she ached for now, now that it was all over.

She would have had Maya’s mouth on her until she couldn’t take it anymore, because she missed it so badly. Missed the way Maya felt, the way her tongue worked Autumn like an instrument she’d been practicing for her entire life.

If she’d known what would happen, she’d have done it all differently.

And Autumn… she’d never looked back on anything in her life with that kind of regret.

“Autumn,” Maya’s voice was pained.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, even though she didn’t really know if she truly could be. Because she didn’t feel sorry for this.

Then again, she wasn’t exactly thinking straight.

She felt Maya’s long, deep inhale. Then she felt the way Maya slowly extracted herself from their embrace, and even though she wanted to hold on tighter, she forced herself to release.

With a stabbing sense of surprising clarity given how fuzzy everything still felt in her mind, she realized… that was exactly how Maya had felt for her for months. Taking whatever Autumn was able to give her, hoping and aching for more.

Those thoughts ran in circles through her mind as she tilted her head up and stared at Maya. Who stepped back and tilted her head toward the bed.

“Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

“I can go back to my own room,” she offered but didn’t insist.

She didn’t have it in her to insist. She didn’t want to, even if Maya was only doing this because she was concerned about her, even if she hated that on one level.

But Maya only hesitated for a moment before she shook her head. “No, just… let me get you some pajamas. If you can believe it, I packed extra sweats.”

“Shocking information.”

A smile flashed across Maya’s face as she turned toward her suitcase. That, of course, she hadn’t unpacked at all.

And for once in her life, Autumn would have to do her best to accept the uncertainty of it all.

… for as long as she could, at least.  

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