I Knew You Were Trouble part 17 (Patreon)

I have been waiting to write this for a very long time, and that is all I will say.

Part 17

Autumn wasn’t the kind of person prone to flights of fanciful thinking. She wasn’t an optimist. She did not see the glass half-full.

She saw the glass for what it was. She wanted to study the glass for cracks, and then she had to think about how fragile it would be if someone knocked into the table and it shattered on the floor.

This hadn’t even been a mechanism she’d developed after the trauma of losing her family, her community – everything, really, that she’d ever known.

This had always been who she was. Whether it was simply who she was or if it was entirely her being a product of her environment, or what percentage of a combination it was… she didn’t know.

All she did know was that she woke up on her thirtieth birthday feeling different.

She didn’t believe her literal age had anything to do with it. In fact, she knew that it was one hundred percent due to Maya.

Due to last night.

She hadn’t expected to see Maya outside of her apartment.

Autumn couldn’t help but feel cautious. Maya would possibly even tease her and call her paranoid. But with the situation with Honor and Haven being what it was, knowing that their parents were aware of everything… she couldn’t help but feel the need to double-check just about everything. Which included looking out the windows in the living room before drawing the curtains for the night before going to bed.

The spot she’d been assigned was perfectly within her view, and she was very much used to it being empty. One of the only empty spots, typically, by the time she was doing her nightly check.

But it hadn’t been empty.

She’d seen Maya’s car, and had been able to see Maya sitting in it.

They didn’t have any plans; Autumn would never forget that. They’d had a very typical day at work and had made no mention of spending time together this weekend. Other than the “surprise” party, of course.

And she’d had no idea what to expect. In fact, she’d been nervous. Nervous that Maya had shown up to – to… well, they weren’t together, so “break up” wasn’t close to accurate. Plus, they’d already done that.

But what if Maya had been there to tell Autumn that she couldn’t do it anymore. She showed up for her, for her sisters, constantly. Given so much of her time and attention and energy.

Autumn knew Maya cared about her, but there had to be a limit to that level of caring. Right? No one was a bottomless well. Even Maya had hit the bottom of her well of patience when it had come to Autumn a month ago.

She hadn’t even let herself imagine that Maya could possibly be there to fulfil Autumn’s entirely inappropriate birthday request.

She hadn’t even meant to say it. She hadn’t intended to tell Maya that the only thing she desperately wanted was one more night with her. Because she knew that wasn’t fair. But it was the only thing she wanted, and Maya had been looking at her with those big, brown eyes, and the words had escaped Autumn in a rare moment of thoughtlessness.

Autumn had believed that they were both going to ignore it, though. It was the logical decision in her mind.

But – but Maya had given Autumn the only thing she wanted.

Her.

In the most glorious, beautiful, awe-striking way Autumn wouldn’t have ever allowed herself to imagine. She’d thought it was done. She really… she’d really had to accept that she wouldn’t be with Maya like that, again.

So when she had that opportunity, she’d taken it with both hands. She wasn’t going to do the same thing her past-self had done. She wasn’t going to waste it.

When was the next time she would ever be with someone she trusted the way she trusted Maya? Was there someone in the world she could possibly trust this way?

It had been terrifying for her, in ways that were overwhelming. But she’d felt truly safe.

She didn’t know the last time she’d felt so safe.

Which was because she never had. Not even when she’d still had her family and a community. Because that safety was a farce, and could be taken away at any moment.

Even though Maya couldn’t stay over, she’d stayed until after midnight.

Autumn… she hadn’t been capable of finding the right words. Not after how physically and emotionally overcome she’d been.

All she really knew was that something had shifted inside of her. There was a chance it had shifted at some point in the last month; she didn’t know precisely when.

What she knew now was that she was aware of it.

This morning, she’d woken up and she’d seen things so much more clearly than before.

And what she saw was Maya.

Metaphorically, of course, given that she hadn’t spent the night. But when she’d been looking at the scrambled eggs and toast and fruit that the twins had made her for breakfast, all she thought about was Maya.

Autumn didn’t quite know what she was going to do about it or how to go about expressing this shift inside of her, but she knew that she had to.

Maya had drawn the boundary with her, that she couldn’t be with Autumn sexually again.

But… but clearly, she wanted Autumn, still. And Autumn knew Maya had feelings for her. That had been the whole reason Maya had drawn her hard boundaries in the first place.

Autumn bit at her bottom lip as she stared down at her phone in her lap. Specifically, at the message she’d been working on – on and off, in between breakfast with the twins and the walk they’d taken through a cute little park and, of course, she’d not looked at her phone during the movie they’d just seen at the theater.

I know that I said that all I wanted was one more time with you, knowing it was the last. And I know you’ve said before that you can’t do this with me again.

But what if it’s not AGAIN? What if it was different this time? What if it can be like last night, all of the time?

She’d typed out several different versions of this. She’d wondered how to phrase what she was feeling, what she wanted.

She wondered if Maya wanted it, too.

She didn’t wonder if Maya had feelings for her, still, because – because she knew. Maya had this way about her – this gloriously beautiful, but utterly terrifying way about her – of looking at and touching Autumn in a way that left no doubt about her feelings. If she was being honest with herself, which she was very much trying to do right now, it was that thing that had both kept her going back to Maya while also being the thing to drive her away.

But even though Maya had these feelings, it didn’t mean she still wanted Autumn like that. Because Autumn’s life was so far from the same place it had been a month ago, when Maya had asked her for more.

And that was precisely why she questioned if sending this in a message was the right way to go about this at all.

But they weren’t really going to have time to talk at this party, would they? Maya’s apartment wasn’t exactly large, and she was about to have a dozen people crammed in there.

How was Autumn supposed to keep this to herself, now?

Now that she’d finally done it, finally accepted what Maya was to her?

“Why are we stopping at your work? It’s the weekend,” Honor commented, as their uber driver pulled over to let them out precisely where Honor stated – Autumn’s work.

She led them out of the car, arching her sisters a look. “I have a couple of quick things to do, and I have to do them from my desktop. Besides, is it not my birthday?” She gently teased.

Autumn was very careful with her words as to not insinuate in any way that the reason she really needed to do things like stop by the office today was because of the half-days she’d had to take this week to help situate the twins at their new school, not even in a teasing tone.

They were already sensitive to how much she’d had to change – especially Haven – and there were times throughout the last month that they’d become incredibly apologetic and skittish about the disruptions to Autumn’s life.

“It is,” Honor murmured, shaking her head. “I just don’t get why you’d want to go to work. I wouldn’t want to go to school on my birthday.”

Haven’s lips drew into a frown as she nodded in agreement with her sister.

Autumn breathed out a laugh as she led them into the building. “Well, if you end up working in a profession that you enjoy the way I enjoy doing mine, you might disagree.”

“I think Maya would disagree with coming to work on your birthday on the weekend,” Honor said, quietly. Her tone was a cross between teasing and genuine, and Autumn’s stomach fluttered at the mention of Maya.

That was something she would have to navigate thoughtfully, as well.

The twins had fully imprinted on Maya, and they were in such a precarious place… but she also trusted Maya with them.

Clearing her throat and re-focusing herself, she tamped down on a smile as she said, “Yes, but we won’t be seeing Maya today. So, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

Honor and Haven quickly exchanged a mischievous look that Autumn noticed out of the corner of her eye.

It was giving her a little bit of amusement, admittedly, to know about this “surprise” party. Thankfully Maya had told her, because Autumn truly didn’t like surprises, and she’d have had to put on a good show to convince the twins that she was happy about it.

But going into the day knowing about it in advance made her feel mentally and emotionally prepared, enough to make those little comments.

In some small way, it reminded her about when the twins had been children. Not better times, necessarily, but simpler ones. When the twins had been children and they’d try to sneak little things by her, as if she didn’t know exactly what they were always up to.

“I guess you’re not the only person who likes to work on the weekend,” Honor commented as she walked into the office first, after Autumn held the door for them.

She shook her hair back, looking up to see that Charlotte’s office door was open, and she was, indeed, in there.

They locked eyes, both arching the other a questioning look, before Charlotte gestured for her to come into her office.

“You two can make yourselves comfortable,” she assured them, which she always did when they came here. The twins hadn’t yet become entirely at-ease here, but slowly, they were loosening up.

Autumn’s hopes were that they’d be able to make themselves feel more comfortable in most settings than she, herself, did. She hoped so badly that they would be able to emulate things like that from Maya.

“We, um, we won’t be here long, right?” Haven asked, as she folded her jacket over her arm, looking at Autumn with her big, blue eyes.

“No, not long,” Autumn assured her, before glancing between them. “But… since we’ve seen the movie, we don’t have any other plans, right?”

Both Honor and Haven’s eyes were wide, as they quickly shook their heads. “Nope,” Honor said, far too quickly.

Autumn, again, bit back her grin. “Okay, then. I’ll just be in for a minute with Charlotte.”

Charlotte slowly tilted her head as Autumn approached, walking through her open doorway. “Happy birthday,” she greeted. “You look… different.”

That caused a bit of a hitch in Autumn’s gait, and she came to an abrupt pause. “Uh – different?” She felt her face heat. She so deeply respected Charlotte and did want her approval for many things, but… she wasn’t sure she wanted Charlotte to see so much.

Charlotte’s lips pulled into the smallest of smiles. “Yes. You look,” she paused, scanning her observant gaze over Autumn’s face. “Happy.”

“Oh,” she breathed out, feeling absurdly nervous about that.

She supposed that was the feeling she’d woken with today that had felt so different. She did feel happier than typical. Because she felt so much more settled after last night, even if things between her and Maya weren’t exactly “settled” yet.

“I suppose I am,” she slowly agreed, rolling that over in her mind.

“Good,” Charlotte’s voice was warm, quietly approving. “I didn’t realize you’d be in today; I’d assumed you’d be on your way to the party.”

Of course Charlotte knew about that.

“We’ll be heading there soon. I just had a few things to do…” She trailed off, narrowing her eyes. “I didn’t realize you’d be in today.”

She ran through Charlotte’s schedule for this weekend in her mind. Even if she’d been more absent this last month, she still kept on Charlotte’s schedule.

Last night, Charlotte had gone on a date with Sutton, and she knew they had something else lined up for today with Lucy. Autumn, of course, didn’t know all of the details, but she was reasonably sure that Charlotte had followed through on exactly what they’d discussed several weeks ago during that surreal day off from work.

Charlotte in the last few weeks had also seemed truly happy.

Which, in turn, made Autumn feel weirdly… proud? Was that normal? To feel proud of your boss/mentor?

Charlotte glanced down at her watch, before she lightly tapped her fingers against her desk. “I’m on my way out, actually.”

Autumn started to nod in acknowledgement, before her eyes landed on the note next to Charlotte’s hand on the desk. Charlotte would often scribble down handwritten notes like that when she was either managing her own dictation or if she was in the office without either Autumn or Maya. Eventually those notes would make their way to them –

But did this note say new assistant timeline?

She narrowed her eyes in confusion, staring intently at Charlotte’s script. “Are you hiring a third assistant?” She asked.

The area in which she and Maya worked would be a bit cramped, admittedly, if that were to be true. And there would certainly be a bit less freedom to have any… moments…

Charlotte’s expression seemed to mirror her confusion, before she followed Autumn’s gaze down to her note. “Oh, no,” she dismissed. “Not a third one.”

Autumn’s heart skipped a beat in her chest, nerves nipping sharply at her. “Are you – am I going to lose my job?”

God, she couldn’t.

She’d be devastated at any point, but right now especially!  She literally could not. Not when she had Honor and Haven in her care. Her performance right now, it was temporary. Her absences and slight drop in dependability wasn’t permanent; Charlotte knew that.

At least, she’d seemed like she’d been okay with it. Charlotte, for her part, hadn’t been chained to the office in the last few weeks, either, with making so much more time to see Sutton.

Charlotte reeled back, still looking baffled. “What? Autumn, no. Why would you say that?”

Relief shot through her, but it was a fleeting feeling.

Because if not her, then – she whipped her gaze back up to Charlotte, wide-eyed, her jaw dropping open. “Maya? You’re – are you firing Maya?”

Charlotte couldn’t. She couldn’t do that.

Why would she do that?

“Maya,” Autumn nearly choked on her name, the fiery defense bubbling up from somewhere deep inside, somewhere she hadn’t even known existed. “Maya has – she’s stepped up so much in the last month. She’s done so much, and she’s done it so well. Charlotte, why – why?”

If she’d thought her stomach was starting to bottom out a minute ago, it was at her fucking feet now.

“I’m not firing Maya,” Charlotte said, but it wasn’t very comforting.

Not as much as it should have been, anyway. Because Charlotte’s tone was cautious, guarded, as was the look in her eyes. Like there was something else for her to say, but she wasn’t saying it. Her words should have sounded firm and assuring, but… there was something lacking.

Autumn stared blankly at Charlotte, having never felt so upset or disheartened by her before. “If you aren’t…”

She trailed off, staring intently at her boss. Because she knew Charlotte, she knew her well, and there was something else in play right now. She knew there was.

Rather than give her a direct answer, though, Charlotte lifted her eyebrows. “Autumn, if or when anything is official, you will know. And,” Charlotte clearly put in an effort to lighten her tone, “And in that event, you will have the majority of control over the process, like you did with Maya.”

“Right,” she murmured, the word sounding like an echo in her ears over the rush of blood thrumming through her veins.

What did this even mean? What was going on?

If Charlotte wasn’t firing Maya – or her – and wasn’t bringing on a third assistant, then…

Was Maya quitting?

She pressed her hands over her stomach, feeling absolutely nauseous.

Charlotte moved around her desk and pressed her hands over Autumn’s shoulders, the touch firm and obviously intending to be comforting. “Autumn, as I said: nothing is officially happening right now. I was making some notes while looking over emails.”

Autumn couldn’t really find her equilibrium again, though. Not even while Charlotte was trying to assuage her concerns.

So much for a happy birthday.

***

Autumn did her very best to maintain the same mood she’d been in all day so far as she and the twins walked down Maya’s street.

She’d intended to pretend to be distracted/not notice that they were on Maya’s street when Honor and Haven insisted they go “on a random little walk” but she didn’t actually have to pretend much.

Of course, she was aware of their surroundings, but her part of their conversation was entirely distracted.

Charlotte had assured her again before she’d left to go on a lunch date with Sutton and Lucy that “nothing was happening.” But… why would Charlotte have made that note to herself, then? Obviously, something was happening.

And obviously, it had to do with Maya leaving.

And most obviously: Autumn hadn’t been told.

Had she completely misread last night? When she and Maya had been so close and Maya had touched her and looked at her in a way that both broke Autumn apart and knitted her back together?

Had Maya walked away from that and then fucking emailed Charlotte about possibly quitting?!

She was livid. She was sad. She was embarrassed.

And most of all, she was desperate. Desperate to know everything about whatever this situation was.

Screw not talking about something serious here at Maya’s small apartment while they were crammed in like sardines. Autumn wasn’t going to be able to wait for this.

Both twins came to a simultaneous stop about ten feet from Maya’s apartment door. They exchanged a look, before both turning to Autumn, looking nervous but excited.

“We thought for your birthday–” Haven started, providing a build up.

“That we would throw you a real celebration!” Honor finished with a flourish, holding both of her arms out to the side to gesture at Maya’s building.

Haven smiled sheepishly. “Ah, well, Maya did the real heavy lifting.”

Maya was full of heavy lifting duty, wasn’t she?

Honor’s smile was wider, a little more open. “Yeah, she did. But we all planned it together, so that everyone could come and celebrate you.”

Autumn forced herself to take in a long, deep breath through her nose and focus on her sisters. Focus on what was important right now.

She made her lips quirk into a smile. “That’s… amazing. You two didn’t have to organize anything like that.”

“Well, we couldn’t really afford a real gift for you. Or even know what you’d want,” Haven murmured, lightly kicking the toes of her sneaker into the pavement. “But we really wanted to do something.”

“And, you know… we always thought about you. On your birthday,” Honor added, her eyes wide and imploring.

That was it, that was enough to pull Autumn from her Maya-centric thoughts, at least for a few seconds. Her heart swelled, and even though she didn’t really look forward to a birthday party nor a surprise party, she felt her throat get tight with emotion. “That’s – that’s really…”

She trailed off, unable to say what it meant to her. Because she didn’t even really know.

It made her sad, it made her ache. To know that Honor and Haven missed her, wondered about her, thought about her. That they’d believed for a time that she’d died.

And, in turn, it made her think about their birthdays.

About how their father was so militant about celebrating even a child’s birthday, and how devout and church-focused it was. About how, even on their birthdays, they were expected to be on exemplary, perfect behavior.

Who’d snuck them candy when she’d been gone? Who’d organized secret little games for them?

She cleared her throat, which barely helped with that tightness.

Unable to help herself, she took a step forward and closed the gap between them, pulling them each in with one of her arms for a hug. One that they both reciprocated, and it was so insane. To think that even just a month ago, she didn’t know the last time she’d initiated a hug like this, born out of comfort and love.

When she didn’t let herself think about it, she’d cuddle in to Maya or have the occasional embrace while they were being intimate, but she didn’t allow herself this.

Inhaling over the twins’ shoulders, she steadied herself.

Pulling back, she summoned a small smile for both of them. “Thank you.”

She would eventually have a conversation with them in which she’d let them know she very much did not want surprise parties in her future. But she couldn’t sully this one.

Autumn led them inside and up the stairs, her stomach twisting with anticipation at seeing Maya. She’d already been anticipating it all day long, but now after her conversation with Charlotte… she had to see Maya, and it couldn’t wait.

“Wait,” the word fell from Haven’s lips as they approached Maya’s apartment door.

As if in practiced unison, they all came to a stop, and Autumn and Honor turned to face Haven. Who was worrying at her bottom lip, nerves written into her expression.

“What is it?” Honor took point in asking, which was somewhat comforting to Autumn.

At the very least, she hadn’t overlooked Haven being nervous all day in favor of focusing all her energy on her thoughts about Maya. If Honor didn’t know what was going on, it would have been impossible to tell.

Haven tangled her hands together in front of her, darting a glance at Maya’s door. “I – ah. Do you think… is Maya’s family… nice?”

“Of course they are,” Honor stated with an authority she didn’t actually possess. “How else would Maya be?”

“Autumn’s nice,” Haven pointed out, letting the implied comparison about where they’d all come from lay heavily between them.

Autumn wasn’t going to interject that she certainly wasn’t as nice as Maya was. Maya, who brought holiday gifts to everyone she interacted with on any regular basis, who catalogued all personal details about people and remembered to ask questions.

That, obviously, wasn’t what her sister needed right now.

Especially because her comment seemed to be enough to give Honor pause as well. In turn, they both faced her.

“They are nice,” she assured them, feeling about fifty percent positive about that. “They’ll definitely be very nice to you both.” There, she was one-hundred-percent certain about that.

She’d only met Gwen, Maya’s oldest sister, that one time. And while Gwen hadn’t in any way not been nice to her, she’d also been very much a lawyer. Asking questions, probing for answers. Clearly wanting to dig in and know Autumn, wanting to get to know her in a way Autumn hadn’t been able to easily acquiesce to.

She knew all about both Gwen and Ruby from Maya, and in knowing so – both of them being outspoken and opinionated and deeply loving their sister – Autumn really wasn’t sure about what awaited her on the other side of that apartment door.

Would there be any iciness, any judgment, about how she’d treated Maya before?

But she was truly sure that everyone inside of this apartment – who all had a very rudimentary knowledge of what was going on in their lives – would be very kind to Honor and Haven.

She couldn’t decide if it was either good or bad that she didn’t have any time to internally debate about this further, because Maya’s door swung open.

Her heart leapt in her chest, only to deflate when she saw that it was both Gwen and Ruby… and no Maya.

“Happy birthday!” They both chorused to her, with differing levels of enthusiasm, but neither seemed entirely forced, which was great.

She clasped her hands behind her back, her lips tugging into her perfunctory polite smile that she’d perfected at work events. It was her go-to, she’d found, for just about anyone that wasn’t Maya, Honor, Haven, or Charlotte. “Thank you.”

Gwen stepped backward, tugging Ruby back with her. “Come on in. Sorry for the little jump scare; we heard chatting out here and thought Maya was back.”

Everything inside of Autumn came screeching to a halt. She’d already been searching beyond Ruby and Gwen to catch sight of Maya, and she wasn’t even here?

What did it mean? Did it have something to do with that email?

What could have possibly happened in the last twelve hours that Autumn was so in the dark about?!

“Where’s Maya?” Honor asked, frowning.

But, unsurprisingly, both Honor and Haven did as they’d been invited/instructed to, leading their way into Maya’s apartment.

Haven’s gait was slow, though, obviously still very nervous. Enough so that Autumn ended up only inches behind her, with barely enough room to close the apartment door. “Is she coming back soon? She isn’t going to miss the party, right?”

Autumn reached out and placed a hand on her sister’s shoulder.

Ruby waved both of her hands in an exaggerated motion. “Definitely not.” She leaned in a little – not too close to startle Haven or get into her personal space, but just close enough to give the impression that she was sharing a secret, as she dropped her voice slightly, “When I tell you that Maya is thrilled about this party… trust us, she wouldn’t miss it. She was on the phone with both of us last night confirming all of the details you’d worked out.”

Autumn hadn’t met Ruby yet, but her resemblance to Maya was even more uncanny than Gwen’s, though they all shared an undeniable likeness.

But it was in Ruby’s confident, warm smile that Autumn saw Maya shining through, and for that reason, Ruby was stunning.

It seemed to put Haven at-ease far quicker than Autumn would have believed; she felt the tension drain from her sister’s posture. Maybe it was the resemblance to Maya for her, as well. “Okay, good,” Haven’s voice was still very quiet, but Autumn could hear her nerves fading there, too.

Autumn rubbed Haven’s shoulder encouragingly, because she knew how much Haven did not love meeting new people. This week had already been a doozy with their new school, so she was incredibly proud of her.

With that in mind, she shifted some of the focus from Haven deliberately, clearing her throat. Ruby’s dark eyes snapped to hers. The warmth didn’t fade, but did become a little… sharper? More aware?

“We haven’t met yet, but I’m Autumn,” she asserted, reaching in the gap between Haven and the wall to offer her hand, as they were all still crammed in the small entry area next to the kitchen.

“The woman of the hour,” Ruby returned, reaching out and giving her hand a quality handshake – quick, firm, warm. “Ruby.”

Ruby then took that same hand to both Haven and Honor, who gave their names as well.

Gwen followed suit, her smile a little smaller, but definitely warmer toward Autumn. “I remember you, of course,” she acknowledged Autumn. “And I’m Gwen,” she informed the twins. “Maya’s oldest and wisest sister, as I’m sure she’s told you.”

Both of the twins smiled at that, genuine smiles.

Ruby elbowed Gwen, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, and I’m sure that if Maya told you that, she also told you that she’s only saying it to make Gwen feel better. First is the worst, second is the best, as the saying goes.”

Both twins laughed softly, visibly calming and warming up to them. Especially, Autumn realized, with the sibling banter.

Though their relationships in the Alton house had never been as warm and open as Maya and her sisters, they had always been surrounded by siblings. The twins had never known anything other than a home – a whole community – full of families. For better or worse, it was something that made them feel comfortable.

And Maya… Maya had recognized that. She’d planned this damn party for that, for them.

Autumn’s throat got tight all over again, and she forced another inhale, exhale, counting the seconds.

“Mama!” Poppy’s breathlessly excited shout carried to them before she arrived like a bullet, crashing into first Ruby and then her mom’s legs. “Is – is Aut-Aut-um here?” She sounded out, adorably, her name, the way she had a couple of months ago when Autumn had met her and introduced herself.

Her own grin came out in full force again, unstoppably, at the little brunette.

“Hi, Poppy. Yes, I’m here,” she confirmed, grabbing the little girl’s attention.

She whirled around, losing her footing so she fell back on both Ruby and Gwen’s legs behind her. “Happy birthday!” She shouted, waving her arms out wide. “Are we singing yet?”

“Not yet,” Gwen answered, reaching down and lightly bopping her on the top of her cute button nose. “Do you want to say hi to Autumn’s sisters? Honor and Haven are their names.”

Poppy, obviously having never been shy a moment in her life, looked at them. “Hi! I have a brother named Gavin. He – he’s two!”

Both Honor and Haven lit up, unsurprisingly. Though they didn’t have the same experience Autumn did, given that they were nearly the youngest of their brood of siblings, they’d always been surrounded by large families in their town and at church, always surrounded by young children that they would help keep occupied and tend to during events. And it was a little easier for them, given that they’d never been parentified the way Autumn had.

Thankfully.

“Why don’t you go and get Honor and Haven’s party hats ready, hon?” Gwen suggested.

Poppy’s eyes lit up at the suggestion, before she was off again toward the living room. Which, in fairness, was attached and a third of it was visible from where they stood, still crowded in like sardines.

“Maya’s getting the dessert,” Gwen informed them. “There was a little SNAFU at the bakery earlier, and Maya ended up going down there personally to work out the details. So things were running a little behind here, and you three were running a little early.”

“Sorry we couldn’t all hop out and do the classic surprise thing,” Ruby tacked on.

Autumn couldn’t control her wince at the very idea. “It’s more than fine,” she assured. She looked at Honor and Haven, who were both gazing toward the living room, taking note of Poppy, Gavin, and Tommy, who were all excitedly moving around party hats and other various items on the coffee table.

Hamish gave her a little wave from where he stood by the windows next to a tall, burly, bearded man with a kind smile, who she decided had to be Ruby’s husband.

The twins both recognized him as well, offering him a wave.

“Do you two want to go over there? You can,” she encouraged. “Everyone in there is either Hamish – who you know – or Maya’s family members. All just as nice as her sisters.”

The therapist she’d been seeing specifically for the twins – yet another professional to add to her personal repertoire now – had told her it was good to do that. To, of course, be there with Honor and Haven as they navigated this enormous shift in their lives, but to encourage them in safe environments, like this one, to do things a little more independently. She’d informed Autumn that it would likely be tricky at times, but the goal was to not become a new security blanket. To foster and teach an independence they’d never had a taste of back in Ohio, so they could become more secure in themselves.

Honor and Haven exchanged a look, and Autumn was reasonably sure they were also thinking about similar advice given to them by their own therapists. They both nodded at one another, before nodding at her as well.

“Great,” she effused a little stronger than she, personally, felt. For good measure, she rubbed both of their backs gently for encouragement.

Even though she knew as they were walking away, they were leaving her alone with Gwen and Ruby. Maybe she should have held off on fostering some of that independence for a few minutes.

Rolling her shoulders back, she turned to face both of them head-on. They might as well get this out of the way now. “I understand if you don’t quite…” she cleared her throat, uncomfortably. “Care for me.”

“Why would you say that?” Ruby asked, her expression perfectly measured and not giving away a single thing.

Autumn felt heat blast through her, and she knew a blush tinged at her cheeks. But even if she was guarded, even if she was generally quiet, she was no wallflower. Especially not when faced with someone wearing Ruby’s expression. Like she was truly measuring Autumn by any words that might come out of her mouth. “I know that if someone had a relationship with one of my younger sisters, and my sister was in Maya’s shoes… I would likely reserve some judgment for them.”

And that was putting it mildly.

She couldn’t begrudge either Gwen or Ruby that, if that was how they felt. Especially now that Honor and Haven were back in her life. She – damn, she might truly hate someone who came along and had the same relationship she had with Maya. Sleeping with them for months, staying nights together, keeping toiletries at their apartment, but refusing to even have fucking breakfast with them the morning after.

If Honor or Haven ever came to her as the Maya in that story, she’d advise both of them to run.

Which only made the knots tangled inside of her twist even harder. She hadn’t done anything wrong to Maya, technically, and she knew that. She’d always told Maya the truth about what she was looking for, what she’d believed herself to be emotionally capable of giving.

But emotions weren’t logical.

“Maya’s an adult,” Gwen cut in, firmly, aiming a look at Ruby. “She can choose to do whatever she wants to do.” She tilted her head in acknowledgement. “Granted, if she hated you or something, then – sure, we might feel the same way in solidarity. But, she obviously doesn’t.”

Ruby rolled her lips slightly, but then simply nodded. “Right.” She shook her head back, snapping her fingers. “On that note, before we’re brought into the party affairs, I wanted to pass on some information to you.”

Autumn’s eyebrows drew down in confusion because Ruby was obviously referencing her, but… what could she possibly be offering her?

“It’s less of a birthday gift to you, admittedly, more for your sister if we’re being technical. But given what Maya’s told us, you’d probably appreciate this more than a traditional gift.” Ruby tugged her phone out of her back pocket and unlocked it. “What’s your email?”

Still uncertain, Autumn answered her – sheerly because she was Maya’s sister. Maya’s sister who was clearly still wanting to reserve judgment on her, at that.

“There,” Ruby announced, and Autumn felt her own phone vibrate in her pocket. “A woman I work with – Karol – her daughter, Jacqueline, is kind of a prodigy? She’s twenty, and already a pianist in the National Symphony Orchestra here in D.C. And she’s willing to meet with Haven; see where she’s at, make some possible recommendations that can fit your budget but are the caliber Haven needs to improve.”

Autumn’s mouth fell open with the shock rushing through her. It quite literally knocked her a step backward. “I – wow. Ruby, I’m… thank you.”

A part of her wanted, knee-jerk reaction, to wave this offer away. It was too much. It was so much.

But it wasn’t all about Autumn, now, and this… it was huge for Haven.

Ruby nodded at her, in a movement that was so Maya. Casual, nonchalant. Because apparently the Lindsay family members were all these damningly kind, thoughtful people, and there was nothing Autumn could do about it.

Except for wonder how she’d managed to end up in a room with these people. Wonder how long she’d be able to have it.

Before she could figure out what else to say, how to make herself more comfortable being more effusive in her appreciation, there was a thump on the door next to them.

“Damn it,” they could hear Maya mutter from the other side of the door.

Autumn automatically took a step back to give a little more space. Just in time, as the door swung open.

“Who’s ready for cake!” Maya called out, three large trays in her hands as she shouldered her door open. Maya’s lips tugged into a considering frown as she kicked the door closed behind her. “Well, cupcakes, I guess, if we’re being technical.”

Maya then came to a short stop upon realizing how close she, Gwen, and Ruby were all standing to one another and the door.

“Uh. Hey…?” Her dark gaze flit between the three of them, questioningly.

“Hello, babiest sister,” Gwen returned, before she reached out to grab two of the trays, which were precariously balanced and presumably why Maya had struggled to open the door.

Ruby reached out to take the second one from her. “I do have to wonder how many people you thought you were feeding with these, Maya,” she teased, as there were sixty cupcakes by Autumn’s quick calculation, compared to the fifteen people here in the apartment.

As her sisters walked away to put the cupcakes on the kitchen counter, Autumn turned to Maya and for a second when she looked at her head-on, everything else faded.

For several seconds, there was nothing else. Not the sounds of conversation or music or laughter coming from the living room, not Gwen and Ruby’s comments about the cupcakes from several feet away.

She’d seen Maya just over twelve hours ago, but… the sight of her made Autumn’s heart skip in her chest. Her dark eyes with that brightness in them, her cheeks glowing, the gentle fall of her hair over her shoulders.

Why? Why had Autumn let it get to this point?

No, she knew the why. The sounds of her sisters playing with Maya’s niece and nephews were the living reminder of their family, and the why she was how she was.

But… it had taken her too long.

Shaking her head, she set her jaw, and took two steps determinedly closer to Maya. Bringing her so close, their entire bodies almost brushed. Almost, and Autumn felt electrified by it.  

Maya’s smile froze in place, a flush on her cheeks, as she eyed Autumn with clear confusion and interest in combination. “Hey, birthday girl.”

Before Maya had left her bed in the early hours of this morning, she’d kissed Autumn’s temple and whispered, “Goodnight, birthday girl.”

Hearing them again set off some sort of firework inside of her, some chain reaction that made her feel meltingly soft, but also clench with arousal, and neither of those sensations dulled her confusion, her upset.

“Hi,” she murmured back. “We need to talk,” she leaned in to mutter right against Maya’s ear, not wanting anyone else to overhear, not having the patience to deal with anyone else right now. She felt like she was vibrating with the tension lacing through her veins.

She could both feel and hear the hitch in Maya’s breath, before Maya leaned back a couple of inches. Enough to lock onto Autumn’s gaze with her own. Those big, brown eyes looked absolutely perplexed by her tone.

Which, in turn, perplexed Autumn right back! Did Maya really think she wouldn’t have a reaction like this?

“Um… okay?”

Not caring about anything else, she reached down and gripped Maya’s hand in hers, firmly leading her toward her closed bedroom door. Granted, if anyone looked at them right now, Autumn was reasonable sure they’d think Maya was in some sort of trouble with her.

She quickly shut the door behind them, glancing around the room for a second. This room where they’d spent most of their nights together, the room she hadn’t been in since that morning. That final morning.

Swallowing hard, she shook her head and rounded on Maya, who was staring up at her, eyebrows knitted together tightly.

“This seems really serious,” Maya commented, sounding concerned. She reached her hand out, looking like she was going to touch Autumn’s hand, before she seemed to catch herself and she stopped. “Is this,” she swallowed visibly hard, “Did I hurt you last night?”

Autumn knew she was referencing the intensity in their sex, how Autumn had asked Maya to be inside of her. Maya had to know that her single finger hadn’t physically hurt Autumn, so she was obviously asking about if she’d hurt Autumn emotionally, and that –

Autumn set her jaw, shaking her head. “No. It’s not about last night. Last night was…” She trailed off, before the word perfect could fall. Because she needed to know this first.

“Are you quitting?” The word fell from her lips with a hiss, her stomach churning.

Maya’s perfect lips opened in clear surprise. “I – what? Who told you that?”

And just like that, everything in Autumn’s nervous system went on the fritz. Maya hadn’t said no; she’d asked who told her.

Oh, god.

She pressed her palm to her stomach, hoping it would quell any of her nerves tangling so tightly together there. She blinked rapidly, trying to push back against the sting of unexpected tears.

“You – you can’t leave,” she pushed out, her heart racing in her chest to the point that it made her feel breathless.

Maya reached out for her, one of her hands on Autumn’s waist, the other on her shoulder. Steadying her. Her concern was etched into her face. “Autumn, everything is fine. Just – breathe. What’s going on?”

She didn’t know if she wanted to lean closer into Maya’s touch or jerk away from it. Instinctively, she wanted to push Maya away. To draw all of her guards up high and impenetrable. But – but she also needed not to, so she didn’t. She remained right where she was.

Eyes blazing, she stayed rooted to the spot staring Maya down. “I stopped by the office and saw a note on Charlotte’s desk. The ones she writes from her emails to pass to us eventually.”

Maya winced. She kept one of her hands on Autumn’s waist, the other coming up to rub at her forehead. “Oh. Well. What an accidental narc, huh?”

Autumn couldn’t possibly bring herself to be amused.

Maya realized how serious she was and nodded, her thumb rubbing back and forth against Autumn’s waist through her shirt.

“Look, nothing is set in stone, okay? I still have to have conversations with Jillian and Charlotte, and I would never leave until you have things more settled. It wouldn’t happen immediately; probably not for at least a month.”

Autumn’s mouth was open, but she couldn’t find the words. She felt like she was drowning in thin air, a fish out of water.

Which was so stupid, logically, but nothing felt logical inside of her right now.

Maya was going to leave. The thing that brought them together was work, it was the only constant they shared. No matter what was going on between them personally, they’d always see one another at work. It was the thread running through all of their interactions, especially in the last six months. Even if they weren’t on the best terms, even if Autumn struggled to let Maya in, she would still be right there when Maya lifted her head up and looked across the office.

If they didn’t have work, what would they have?

She felt like she was close to hyperventilating, her hands slapping over Maya’s with unintended force. She gripped tightly, shaking her head.

Maya’s brow was furrowed and she swayed closer, her eyes boring into Autumn’s intently. “Hey, just breathe with me.”

She nodded, staring at Maya’s mouth. Watching those soft lips open, watching how her chest rose as she inhaled.

Autumn mirrored her.

Then the exhale.

And then again.

And then Maya softly said, “Autumn… I was never going to be a Charlotte Thompson lifer like you are. You knew that.”

Her tone was so soothing, but Autumn – she couldn’t be soothed. Nothing could make this okay.

“It’s not about Charlotte,” she could hear and feel her own desperation holding her in an iron grip. But it was true; nothing about how she felt was about Maya leaving Charlotte. In this very moment, for once, Autumn didn’t give a damn about Charlotte. “You can’t leave me, Maya. Please,” the word trembled from her lips.

Her lips that quaked as the emotion swamped her, and Autumn didn’t know what to do with it. Where to put it. She couldn’t even stop her chin from quivering like a fucking child or stop the way tears blurred her vision.

She felt broken open with those words escaping her, and they came up again.

“Please. Don’t leave me,” she pled, hoarsely.

Maya’s jaw went slack, her mouth falling open, eyes so wide with obvious shock.

Autumn shook her head, dropping her hands from Maya’s. Which then also went slack, falling to Maya’s side. She reached up and cupped Maya’s jaw with both hands, unable to let her look away. Needing Maya to look at her, to understand her.

“I know – I know I’m not where I need to be yet. I know I’m not an open book. I know you want more em-emotionally than what I’ve given you, and I–” She cut herself off on a gasp, still experiencing that panicky, floundering feeling. “Please don’t give up on me. Please.”

She imagined the worst moment of her past, the way she’d begged for her mom not to leave. The way she’d begged both of her parents to just stop, to give her a chance to – to just be herself, for them to see that she’d still be the perfect daughter they’d shaped her into, just… not married to a man, to Seth.

And she could feel how hard her heart was thundering against those walls inside of her.

She’d never – never – wanted to be in this position again. Where someone walking away from her could fucking break her, and somehow, she was. Somehow, Maya had obtained that power, and Autumn was begging, again.

But it felt even bigger, now. Even more intense than her past with her parents.

Because even though it had been scarier in her past – losing everything she’d ever known – the reality was that deep down, she knew her parents didn’t see her for who she was. Didn’t love her for who she actually was.

Maya did. Maya saw her, she always had. And she… maybe she even loved Autumn, or if she didn’t yet, she could.

And losing that – losing this woman who saw her for who she was, who knew all of the good and the bad and still continued to show up, anyway – Autumn had never been more terrified, more desperate for anything in her life.

She blinked, not having realized she’d started crying until she felt the hot tears spill over onto her cheeks.

Maya’s eyes were so soft they made Autumn’s chest feel like it was cracking open all over again. She stayed right where she was, letting Autumn cup her jaw, keep her close.

“I’m not leaving you, Autumn,” Maya murmured, her tone so gentle. So heartbreakingly gentle.

“But you are,” she pushed out, the words like gravel in her throat. She needed Maya to – to just see. To see that she meant everything she was saying, to see that Autumn wasn’t a lost cause. To see that Autumn knew she wouldn’t always be easy to love, but that she would give everything she possibly could if Maya would be willing to go there, again. “I can’t promise that I’m – that I’ll always be able to let you in the way you deserve without any issues.”

Even though she wished she could. But she couldn’t, even in this moment, say that. She wouldn’t make a promise she couldn’t keep, not even in this moment.

“But I will try. I swear, Maya, I’ll try. I’m ready to try. For you, I can.” Her words came out a little stilted, a little uneven.

Because it was fucking petrifying to want this, to beg for this. It was terrifying to know deep in her soul the way she knew right now that if she let Maya walk away from this, she’d regret it.

If she let Maya walk away, she’d be Charlotte one day. Kicking herself and regretting it, and she could see it, now. She could see it clearly. And the thing was, there was no guarantee that she’d get a second chance. One day, Maya would find someone who would devote herself to keeping her. She was beautiful and intelligent and warm and funny and sexy and loyal and so damn strong.

And if Autumn let her go, she would hate herself for it. She knew she would.

She – she didn’t want that. She’d been alone for years, and it was so fucking hard. She didn’t want to be alone forever. In fact, now that she’d been forced to confront these feelings with the twins coming back into her life, she had to admit: she wasn’t sure she’d be able to make it alone.

She didn’t have the words for all of that, though, and her lips trembled open, a quiet sob escaping instead.

“Autumn,” Maya’s voice was so soft, so gentle, and it was all she said, before she grabbed Autumn’s hands and slung them around her own waist, before pulling Autumn in. One of her arms wrapped around her shoulders, stroking in long movements up and down her back, the other holding the back of Autumn’s head and guiding her to press her face against the side of Maya’s neck.

Even though she was taller, she was the one being held.

There was a dam inside of her, though, that had been broken. Something had been dislodged, and Autumn couldn’t hold it back as she burrowed her face against Maya’s soft, warm skin. Breathing her in, even as the tears streamed from her eyes.

“I’m here. It’s okay,” Maya soothed.

She felt fucking ridiculous. She shouldn’t be crying like this. Logically, she knew that.

They weren’t even in a relationship. They never had been, at her own insistence. Maya was allowed to leave her job, even if it also felt like, metaphorically, she was leaving Autumn as well. She owed nothing to Autumn. In fact, Maya had done so much for her, it was maybe for the best for her to run for the hills.

If Autumn was able to be as unselfish as Maya was, she wouldn’t beg Maya to be with her. If Autumn was able to love Maya the way Maya possibly loved her, she would recognize what a fucking mess she was, and she would let Maya go. Let her go find the women that could love her uncomplicatedly, freely.

“I’m s-sorry,” she hiccupped, shaking her head against Maya, unable to take in a full, deep breath.

“Don’t apologize. Please don’t. In no way did I want you to be upset like this, but I…” She felt Maya’s deep inhale against her, the way her hand paused as she stroked Autumn’s back. “I’ve wanted you to be vulnerable with me for so long, and the last thing I ever want is for you to apologize for it now that it’s happening.”

She knew Maya was telling her the truth, and still, she couldn’t help but feel the shame at having unleashed these feelings at Maya. Full-force. Open. Begging. Desperate.

“You probably didn’t exactly plan on me breaking down against you to the point that you’ll need a new shirt, either, I imagine,” she murmured in an automatic deflection, slightly muffled, against Maya. Still not ready to let her go. But she knew without looking that her tears and her runny nose, unfortunately, had soaked into Maya’s shirt.

Taking in a long, deep breath, she did so very intentionally. Clutching her hands at Maya’s back, holding her so close, as she breathed in her scent. Just in case.

“If I was as good of a person as you are, Maya, I wouldn’t beg you not to let me go,” she whispered, the words feeling so raw. Picking at an exposed nerve she’d spent so long keeping covered. She closed her eyes, taking another rich inhale of Maya. “But I guess I’m not. Because I am. I’m begging you.”

Because of how close they were holding one another, close enough that they truly felt like they could fuse into a single being, she felt Maya’s shuddering breaths.

“You being traumatized from your past and struggling with being vulnerable about it doesn’t make you any less of a good person, Autumn,” she said, the words so soft against Autumn’s ear. “And neither does asking for what you want.”

Her breath hitched, and she dug her fingertips into Maya’s back so tightly. “Even if what I want is you?”

There it was, Maya’s own breath catching in her throat, the movement of her hands pausing on Autumn’s spine.

“Even then,” Maya whispered. “Especially then, actually.”

She felt Maya turn her neck slightly, just enough to press her lips against Autumn’s head. Her kiss firm, staying pressed against Autumn for several long moments. Long enough for Autumn’s eyes to flutter closed.

“And besides – how could it possibly be selfish of you to give me exactly what I want?”

It was still scary to Autumn, to be told she was exactly what Maya wanted. To think about all of the possibilities in that sentence, in the future. But not scary enough to back down, not this time.

Knuckles tapped against the bedroom door, loud enough to startle them both.

She didn’t pull away from Maya completely, but she did stand up straight. Her heart hammered as she lifted a hand and quickly swiped it over her face. She could just manage to be this vulnerable with Maya; she couldn’t bring herself to be face-to-face with anyone else here like this.

Thankfully, even though Gwen’s voice was loud enough to be heard through the door she didn’t open it.

“Far be it for me to interrupt, but… you know we’re all waiting out here, right? We have pin the tail on the donkey, twister, Pictionary – not to mention the cupcakes. And the children are going to start going feral for those cupcakes whether you’re out here to sing happy birthday to or not, so…”

“We’ll be out in a minute!” Maya called back. “I –,” she paused, looking down at her shoulder where the remnants of Autumn’s breakdown were. “Got something on my shirt, and we’re changing.”

“I bet you did,” Gwen sang out with a teasing tone.

“I’m shirtless, don’t open the door!” Maya ordered, rolling her eyes.

“I bet you are,” Ruby’s voice came into the mix in that same sing-song tone as Gwen.

Autumn was torn between laughter and still reeling from the emotions raging through her. Most of all, though, she stared at Maya, her heart in her throat.

Because she knew that Maya had demanded no one open the door to protect Autumn, even if they never said it aloud.

“I guess we should get back out there,” Autumn stated, snuffling softly, as she reached up and swiped under her eyes and hoped her makeup hadn’t run.

“I never got rid of your toiletries,” Maya said. “If you want to dodge into the bathroom. But – you don’t have to. You really do look beautiful.”

Autumn scoffed, even as she felt the heat hit her cheeks.

Maya reached out and tentatively took Autumn’s hand in hers. “Can we talk more later?”

“Yes,” she affirmed, nearly jumping at the offer. She’d have been embarrassed, but after everything else, what did she have to be embarrassed of, now?

She’d already laid herself bare for Maya, in every possible way. She’d begged her not to leave. Now, she needed more than anything to confirm what, exactly, that meant. And whatever it was, Autumn could work with it.

She was done running.

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