I Knew You Were Trouble - Part 21 (Patreon)

Out far later than planned, but... a little late night post never hurt anyone.

Part 21

That feeling, the one that children had before holidays? Making advent calendars or arts and crafts projects as physical manifestations of their excitement?

Autumn was ensconced in exactly the opposite feeling. Since the day she’d received the letter informing her about the adjudicatory hearing – ten days ago, now, leaving them with a month until they were due to appear in Ohio – she’d been weighted down by this internal clock, one that was powered by sheer dread.

Well, dread and fear, so it was an especially heavy combination.

It kept her up at night. It was trying to steal her focus during her days. And what made it all worse, was that Maya wasn’t here.

Neither Maya nor Charlotte were, given that they were in New York for work. And Autumn found that being left to her own devices… was not the best thing. Which was awful, really, because she’d done so well structuring her life for years to be at top optimization. Fueled by the knowledge that she was the only person who could take care of herself. The only one she could lean on. Don’t let anything else get in the way.

She’d done her best to channel that energy into work, because she would be damned if she let anything regarding her parents derail the professional life she’d managed to build without them. In spite of them.

She already felt stressed enough about the fact that she’d been slacking – at least, compared to her typical performance, giving 110% all of the time – since Honor and Haven had come back into her life. She’d hardly started finding her new footing, and now there was this brand-new axe that was waiting to fall. An axe looming in the near future, the rope that held it up getting thinner and thinner as the days wore on.

And today… well, today Autumn felt like she was this close to her breaking point, given that she’d had a meeting with Jillian to start preparing for their hearing. Reviewing the questions she and the twins would be asked, body language – witness preparation had officially begun. At least, for Autumn. The twins would start in a couple of days.

Which had put her behind schedule for her actual work, and… it was all a nightmare.

Quite literally, this was the stuff of Autumn’s nightmares.

Rubbing her hand over her face, she tightly pinched the bridge of her nose, as she snapped the top of her laptop closed.

Applications for summer internships for Charlotte had opened and the volume they’d already received was, as always, quite large. Autumn was diligently staying on top of them, doing her best to get through every task that would roll into March, like the applications, because… she didn’t know what kind of place she’d be in, next month.

But she couldn’t drop the ball with her job. She wouldn’t. Not even with this going on.

She snapped her head up when she felt her phone vibrate, seeing that Charlotte had texted her.

Charlotte Thompson – 9:31P.M.Burning the midnight oil even when the boss is out of town?

… it made sense, she supposed, because Charlotte had just received her end-of-day notes. Later than she’d typically send them, for certain. But she’d assumed Charlotte would be busy. Too busy to comment.

Autumn Alton – 9:32P.M.I figured that if I was in New York with you, I’d be working late tonight. It stands to reason that I should keep the same hours even though I’m here

Charlotte Thompson – 9:32P.M.Autumn. Take a minute and breathe.

I trust you to manage your responsibilities holding down the fort in D.C., and you have been. Call it a day

That was the thing, though.

Charlotte had been so kind and understanding throughout the last six weeks, Autumn felt ten different kinds of guilty. She had a feeling that even if she completely dropped the ball and completely bungled Charlotte’s affairs while Charlotte was in New York, she wouldn’t face any consequences.

On one hand, it was… nice. That Charlotte not only believed in her professionally, but that she cared. She actually cared about Autumn, as a person.

On the other hand, feeling cared for in that way made her feel – complicated. And she channeled that complication into focusing on work as much as possible, so that she wouldn’t need to feel guilty.

She’d gone from a 110% employee, the most reliable, dedicated person Charlotte would ever hire, to… okay, well, she still managed her job responsibilities, as Charlotte had said, but – but she wasn’t able to give the same energy.

Because of the twins.

Because of how… distracted she felt around Maya.

And now this.

For the first time since working for Charlotte, Autumn had missed one of Charlotte’s biggest, busiest times of the year. Her trip in February to New York was hectic, slammed with meetings and different events, back-to-back from morning to night. Autumn considered it a time for herself to shine, to prove herself indispensable.

This year, for obvious reasons, she wasn’t there. She couldn’t possibly leave Honor and Haven for over a week. Literally, she couldn’t; even if she could give Rhea enough notice, the twins would have to stay in a different foster home, and she couldn’t do that to them.

And with the tumultuous emotional state of their home in the last couple of weeks, Autumn would have canceled her travel, even if she’d still somehow planned to go.

So, she couldn’t regret not being able to be there. When it came to being the best assistant possible to Charlotte or being there for the twins, Honor and Haven would win every time. They had to, and they did, no questions asked.

But… the thing she hadn’t really allowed herself to think about – she couldn’t hold it against herself too much, given everything that had been going on – was that Maya was going to be gone, too.

Maya had left the weekend of their disastrous “date” and had not only been gone with Charlotte for the planned week, but their trip had been extended, and…

And Autumn hated it. She’d hated every second of the last week and a half.

Charlotte Thompson – 9:32P.M.Rest assured – Maya and I returned to the hotel fifteen minutes ago, so our workday is officially over. And now, so is yours!

That made Autumn stand at attention. She’d been working in the kitchen since they’d had dinner a couple of hours ago, leaning against the counter, and now –

They’d been back at the hotel for fifteen minutes?

Maya hadn’t texted her to let her know?

Autumn Alton – 9:33P.M.Deal. I’ll continue getting through applications in the A.M.

Charlotte Thompson – 9:33P.M.I have no doubt

She had the brief – illogical – thought about asking Charlotte how she was faring on this work trip, since it was the first time she was traveling since she’d started her “official” relationship with Sutton.

But that wasn’t really her business, was it?

It wasn’t as though this was Charlotte’s sick day, when Autumn had acted as her friend and confidante. Now, they were regular boss and employee, and Charlotte was already being incredibly thoughtful and admittedly lenient where Autumn was concerned. Not to mention using her name and connections to help Autumn legally.

Maybe one day they’d be in a place where she could ask. It wasn’t something she’d ever let herself think, before. The idea that she and Charlotte might ever be actual friends. It was hard to really envision herself not as Charlotte’s far less important shadow. But… maybe.

The real matter of importance she needed to focus on was Maya.

Switching to their texts, she bit at her bottom lip.

Then winced, and made herself stop. She’d worried so much at the inside of her cheek and her lip over the last ten days – since the letter – she now had wounds inside of her mouth. An unhealthy habit born of anxiety that she’d had years ago, one that she’d stopped in the year or two after building her own life.

But looking at their texts showed Autumn the truth of the matter, with undeniable evidence: she’d been the ineffective communicator between her and Maya since Maya had been in New York.

… it wasn’t really that surprising, unfortunately.

Maya was busy, and she was jugging both her own duties and Autumn’s, so she wasn’t blowing up Autumn’s phone or anything like that. But she texted regularly. Every day throughout the first week, Autumn received work updates of course, but also a handful of commentary and updates from Maya. When she left the hotel and returned back at night. What she was doing for lunch. Her snarky comments about the people at the events they were going to.

And Autumn responded to her nearly every time. But all of her messages were short, not giving much away. Like –

Things are good. Honor signed up for a chess club. How was the fundraiser?

That – was that the message of a “girlfriend”? Autumn had never been one before, not really, but she wasn’t an idiot.

What was she supposed to say, though?

My nervous system is shot, I’m barely sleeping, I miss you and this time without you is only reinforcing my fear of what will become of me if we continue down this road together but then you leave? The twins are stressing but are seeming to hold up slightly better than I am. Or maybe they’re not. Maybe we’re all just holding our breath and trying to go through life because we can’t fall apart right now. I feel like this was the worst possible time for you to be away from all of us, and this only makes me doubly terrified of Honor and Haven also relying on you. Because that… way you have about you makes us ALL feel comfortable and trust you, and I just wish you were here, at my side, constantly.

She’d typed out variations of that message, but deleted it every time.

Desperate and needy and embarrassing and just – too much.

Autumn didn’t want to push Maya away. But leaning on her, especially when she wasn’t physically here, railed against every defense mechanism Autumn had built and perfected over the last near-decade. When Maya was literally in her physical space, it was easier. Even when everything felt difficult, Maya was right there, in touching distance. Even if they existed in quiet, like they had for that car ride after she’d received her notice, it felt… natural.

Her instinct right now was to shut down. While she continued to feel stressed and anxious, she wanted to just – stop. But she hadn’t. She’d answered all of Maya’s messages and was doing her best to white-knuckle this until Maya got back into her orbit.

With a deep breath, she didn’t text Maya and instead decided to start a video call.

Within seconds, Maya answered. Her hair was damp, hanging around her shoulders, and the phone was at an awkward angle as she clearly situated herself to sit in bed. “Surprised to see your face.”

Her tone was light and teasing. She sounded genuinely surprised, but not at all unhappy.

“You’ve texted me every night when you get back to the hotel,” were the first words out of her mouth. And she could hear her own… prickly… tone. “But you didn’t tonight.”

Maya sat back against the headboard, eyebrows furrowing deeply. “Um. Hello, Autumn. Lovely to see you.”

Autumn frowned back, her stomach twisting. Had she unintentionally pulled too far back?

Maya’s expression gentled, even as she let out an exasperated breath. “I was going to text you, after I showered.” She lifted the hand that wasn’t holding her phone, gesturing to her wet hair. “We just got in. And…” She hesitated, searching through the phone. “Honestly, I was trying to match your energy? I decided that this week, I should maybe dial it back. Since you’ve been,” Closing her eyes, she shook her head. “A little closed off.”

She trailed off meaningfully, wincing at Autumn through the camera.

Maya continued, her voice soft, “Today, especially. You didn’t really respond to my messages earlier, when I’d asked about Jillian. I was going to reach out before I went to bed, but I didn’t want you to feel… like I was smothering you, I suppose, is the best way to say it. When I’m there, and actually with you, it’s a lot easier for me to tell what you might want or need from me.”

Everything inside of Autumn pulled so tightly together, and she shook her head. “I haven’t – it hasn’t been intentional,” she promised.

This wasn’t like when Maya went to visit her family for the holidays and Autumn had limited contact. Maybe – ugh – maybe she could see how it might feel the same to Maya. But it wasn’t. Not for her.

She’d been so – everything inside of her was…

She felt wound up so tight, like her thoughts were constantly in a million directions. The looming anxiety building over her – and over the twins, therefore surrounding them in their apartment – ate away at her. Distracting her. Making her feel like she had to put her guards up, withdraw inside of herself to where the reserves of her strength lived, and it took so. Much. Energy.

And then…

And then she had Maya.

Who didn’t care that she’d had to cancel their date. Who’d taken her and her sisters on a drive for hours, until it felt, briefly, like they’d driven away from all of their problems. The problems had still been waiting back at their apartment, but it had been nice to forget for a little while.

And then, almost immediately after, Maya had gone to New York.

It felt destabilizing, in the most terrifying of ways. Feeling this way was exactly what she was most afraid of, in letting Maya in, and it was already happening.

Maya’s dark eyes were locked onto her through the phone, like she could read every thought Autumn had.

Maybe, at this point, she could.

Pressing her lips into a tight line, she drew in a long, deep breath. “I’ve been looking through the intern applications tonight. I don’t know if you’ve had time to look through them.”

Diverting to talk about work was… well, it always felt like the most natural thing for her, especially with Maya. Especially in moments like this, where she felt so unsure of everything. She wanted to talk to Maya, or she wouldn’t have called her. She wanted to look at Maya, or she wouldn’t have made it a video.

But she also felt like if she talked about the real things that were upsetting her, she’d shatter. If she talked about her meeting with Jillian and the feelings it had inspired in her, Autumn was absolutely certain she’d fall apart.

Simply seeing Maya’s face pushed her closer to that edge, made her feel like the strings holding her together inside were fraying. Which was precisely why she’d been so quiet to Maya today. Because she just – she wanted to stay as together as possible. For herself, for the twins.

What was this all about, anyway? Shouldn’t seeing and talking to Maya make her feel – well, Autumn didn’t know, precisely, but she didn’t think it made logical sense that she felt ever-closer to falling apart.

So, she turned to work.

Maya’s lips curved into the smallest smile, and Autumn knew in that moment that Maya knew exactly what she was doing. “I have noticed how late you’ve been working in my absence.” She arched Autumn a look. “You don’t need to bend over backwards to prove how valuable you are, though. We know. Both Charlotte and I know. Trust me. You’re missed.”

Autumn was missed. Such a silly thing to make her feel so warm inside, but it did. Even so, she rolled her eyes.  

“Roll your eyes at me all you want. I know there’s a glowing part of your soul to know what Charlotte’s personal administration doesn’t run smoothly without you,” Maya teased, and that teasing felt like the first time in days that the pressure on her chest lightened.

She wondered if Maya could see that on her face at all, because before Autumn could say anything, Maya murmured, “You look really beautiful. Thanks for calling me tonight.”

And the look on Maya’s face was like… like she was absolutely ravenous for the very sight of Autumn. Maya probably was, the thought occurred to her, sweeping through her and making her heart skip a beat.

She stared intently at Maya, craving the sight of her right back.

It was so rare to go for days without seeing Maya, let alone weeks, and… she missed her so fucking deeply. She missed her to the point that it was easier to wall herself off from it and try not to feel it at all.

“You look really tired,” she stated, frowning as she leaned in a little closer to her phone, as if it would provide her a clearer image of the dark circles under Maya’s eyes.

There was a pressing, insistent guilty part of her that wondered if that had to do with her. With the fact that she hadn’t been very available. Combined with the fact that Maya had probably been worried about her.

Then again, she internally reprimanded herself, not everything was about her; Maya was busy.

“Thanks,” Maya breathed back with a dry laugh, reaching up to rub over her eyes.  

“Autumn!” Honor’s voice from the doorway was nothing short of scolding.

She jumped, nearly dropping her phone in the process, having been so dialed in on Maya, she hadn’t thought about the fact that the twins hadn’t yet gone to their room for the night. Her heart skipped a beat as she replayed their conversation so far in her mind, and she didn’t think they’d said anything that the twins could have overheard that would be inappropriate or overtly telling.

Right?

Other than Maya just saying she looked beautiful.

Tearing her eyes away from Maya, she focused on her sister, who wore a deep frown. Like, Autumn was taken aback by how utterly reproachful Honor was.

Autumn returned a frown, though hers was confused. “Why are you glaring at me like that?”

“Because!” Honor tossed her hands into the air.

In the last month and a half, as she’d gotten reacquainted with her sisters and gotten to know them as they were now, she’d never seen either of them act like a teenager. Not really, not in any typical way. Glimpses here and there, which were always exciting for her to see.

But the utter exasperation and indignation in her sister’s voice, the absolutely affronted expression on her face… wow. Teenager.

If it wasn’t directed at Autumn and if it wasn’t about Maya, she’d probably be thrilled to see it.

As it was, she was still looking for answers. “That’s… not an explanation.”

“Maya called you beautiful, and you tell her she looks tired?” Honor sounded downright appalled, as if Autumn had told Maya she looked disgusting. “That’s so – that’s not the right way to respond to that. Even if you’re just talking to a friend,” she quickly tacked on.

“Maya knows I wasn’t insulting her,” Autumn managed to get out in her own defense.

She and Honor both turned their attention to the phone, checking for Maya’s confirmation.

Maya pursed her lips, tugging them to the side as she shrugged, but Autumn noticed the teasing glint in her eyes. Troublemaker.

“You should tell Maya she’s beautiful, back,” Honor instructed her. “That’s the right thing to do.”

Autumn shot her sister a disbelieving stare, before she turned it to Maya.

Who shrugged at her once again. “I think your sister is making a lot of sense. It seems like the right thing to me.”

“Maya,” she started, and she could see Honor in her own video window, as she came up over her shoulder, overseeing this interaction. It made her feel a little claustrophobic, but it obviously meant something to Honor and… she should tell Maya. She should, because Maya was beautiful. “You’re beautiful.”

She could tell that Maya was holding back a laugh, but she could also see the softness in her eyes, as she nodded. “Thank you very much. And you, too, Honor, for facilitating that moment.”

Autumn cleared her throat, pointedly, glancing between the two of them. “I’m going to go have the nightly wrap-up with the twins.” She locked eyes with Honor, nodding at her to confirm, before looking back to Maya. “And… I’ll call you back, after?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“You two do nothing but work. It’s almost ten o’clock,” Honor pointed out, grimacing deeply. “Don’t you two do anything else?”

“Sometimes,” Maya responded, her tone light.

Autumn couldn’t look at her again. She couldn’t look at Maya’s face, couldn’t allow herself to glimpse at the face she’d seen in all stages of an orgasm while Honor was staring at her.

Heat crept up the back of her neck. “Sometimes,” she agreed, her own tone far tighter. “Okay, bye Maya. See you in a few.”

Autumn waited until Honor got the glass of water she’d come into the kitchen for, before leading the way into the living room.

It wasn’t every night that they did their wrap-up conversation, but she felt settled by it, and she believed the twins did, too. A quick overview of anything important that had come up during the day that they might not have mentioned yet, and a look at what was on the schedule for the next day. Most days it was the same routine, but Autumn appreciated the organization of it all.

Before they could dive into it, Honor stared at her intensely as she asked, “So, do you actually think Maya is attractive?”

Autumn turned to look at her sister, eyebrows lifting high on her forehead. “Why are you asking me that?”

“I guess I shouldn’t have tried to make you lie to her, if you didn’t feel that way.” Honor shrugged, taking a sip of her water. But her movements were anything but inconspicuous. Almost laughably so.

“I think she’s really pretty,” Haven cut in, with that same sort of quiet intensity Autumn felt radiating from Honor.

She couldn’t help this squirmy feeling in her stomach, being questioned about this part of her life, especially by the twins. It was – complicated. She was still working through figuring out how to be open and vulnerable with Maya one-on-one, let alone with any expectations from Honor and Haven. Because, god, the only thing worse than her relationship with Maya not working out was if the twins were attached to the idea of them being a them, after dealing with so much upheaval already.

Then again, if next month didn’t go their way, the twins would be back in Ohio, and whether she was with Maya or not wouldn’t matter. What a bright side.

Reaching up, she rubbed her fingers over her temples as she answered, “She is. Maya is… incredibly beautiful.”

She’d always thought so, but even more so now. Now that she knew Maya inside and out, it only served to make how beautiful she was shine through brighter. And saying as much was, really, an objective fact.

“Do you know anyone Maya’s dated before?” Honor asked, tilting her head to the side.

Autumn had a brief flash of Nadia from that networking event. No, she didn’t know that Maya and Nadia had dated or anything, but they’d seemed friendly, and Nadia had been very pretty. And then she thought about the waitress – Nicki – who’d been all flirty with her. Again, she was reasonably sure nothing had happened between them, but Nicki had obviously been interested.

“No, I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting anyone she’s dated,” she answered, curtly. “Why are you asking?”

“It’s just, you know, interesting. Have you been in relationships? Is there anyone you’re, um, interested in?” Honor pressed, and Haven leaned in, intently staring at Autumn for answers as well.

She felt that claustrophobic sensation again, choking her, and she tightly cleared her throat, forcing out a laugh. “No, I haven’t really had romantic relationships. It’s not… I’m far too busy.”

Both of the twins frowned, exchanging a look she couldn’t decipher.

“If you were going to be interested, who do you think your type would be?” Haven asked this time, and Autumn did a double take.

“I don’t know. I don’t really have much time to think about it, between spending time with you two, and work, and–”

“Maya,” Honor supplied, far too eagerly.

Autumn paused, her heart skipping, before she nodded, “And Maya, yes – it’s not something I’ve given much thought to.”

“Why, though? Do you want to be with someone? Like be with someone,” Honor emphasized, as if Autumn missed the point.

Very much disliking being put on the spot, but also feeling uncomfortable lying outright to the twins, she shifted slightly on the couch before slowly answering, “I… do.”

The words felt stuck in her throat, though. She didn’t want to tell Honor and Haven all of the nitty-gritty details of how messed up she was emotionally. She was never going to share with them why she was so fucked when it came to sex and love, everything regarding her relationship with Seth.

It went beyond her not wanting them to know it about her; she didn’t want them to get the idea somehow that they were cut from the same cloth. She didn’t want them to think they’d also have this kind of difficulty.

With that, she steeled herself. “I have a very complicated history with relationships, and everything they entail.” That was as much detail as she’d share about her past, at least for now. “And that’s made it difficult for me, at times, to be… open. Which is especially hard,” she added, meaningfully, “With how busy my schedule is. It’s never really allowed me much opportunity to meet people and spend time getting comfortable with them.”

Not that it would have helped, given that Autumn had found plenty of time for her hookups. But that was not Honor and Haven business.

Both of the twins gave her a very intense stare, both nodding slightly. Like yes, that made sense, but… there were something more on their minds.

Usually, Autumn would prod a bit, wanting to know what they were thinking about.

But given the nature of the conversation and her general emotional and mental state of being lately, she decided to move the conversation along.

“So, tomorrow, Haven, you have another piano session with Jacqueline. If you want to go?”

Autumn hoped so badly she did. Piano had always been Haven’s safe space, even when she’d been a child. But last week, Haven had ended up not going to one of her sessions, and Autumn hadn’t pushed.

And after today, after the meeting with Jillian – no, they hadn’t been there, but they knew they’d have their meeting soon enough – she would understand if the girls felt just as wrung out as she did.

Haven took a beat, before she nodded. “Yeah. I want to go.”

“Okay.” Autumn’s lips ticked into a small, encouraging smile. “That’s great; I think it’ll probably be good for you.”

Haven let out a deep breath and leaned heavily into Autumn’s side. “Probably,” she agreed, barely above a whisper.

From her other side, she felt Honor also lean in, and Autumn took in a deep breath, keeping herself sitting up straight, making sure she was solid enough to hold them both up.

***

As soon as she was sure the twins had gone into their room for the night, she went into her own, already calling Maya back as she made her way over to her bed.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized as soon as Maya answered the call, her face coming back onto Autumn’s screen. “The nightly wrap-up took a little longer than usual.” She frowned, drifting back to the conversation with the twins. “Honor and Haven were both… I don’t know, desperately curious to know about my thoughts on relationships.” She waved her hand vaguely through the air, not ready to dive into that just yet. Especially because she still have to get into, “I’m also sorry because–”

She broke off, the words catching and stilling in her lungs along with the breath she took, as she dropped down to sit on the side of the mattress.

Without Honor and Haven leaning into her, her meeting with Jillian still weighing on her mentally and emotionally, and looking at Maya in the privacy of her own room –

Autumn felt that final piece of her simply shift. Crack open, really.

“I didn’t know how much I’d been relying on you, until you were gone,” she admitted, her throat feeling so scratchy.

She’d known, of course, that Maya had been with her every step of the way since Honor and Haven returned. And she’d known that if she hadn’t had Maya, it would have all been impossibly more difficult. Maya had been with her to get this apartment and then through the move-in process. She’d been with her setting the twins up at their new high school. She’d given them all a shoulder to lean on and an ear to talk to.

But this went beyond logistics.

With Maya gone, every day had felt… inordinately difficult.

It was the worst possible moment for Autumn, she knew that. The letter, having a court date that would bring her face-to-face with her parents, that was systematically taking apart her nervous system all on its own.

But she had the terrifying sense that if Maya was here, it would be easier. She wouldn’t feel like she was carrying everything alone.

And that was…

It riddled her with terror, quite frankly.

She reached up, rubbing her hand over her eyes. Feeling the dampness from the tears she could feel stinging there. “Everything feels so messy. It was like… for the first time in my entire life, things were coming together. You and the twins and settling into life.”

For a very brief window, she felt like she’d been able to see what life could be. What she could possibly have.

And now, everything felt like it was spinning out.

“I’ve done everything I can since I left Ohio to give myself as much control as possible. To – to make it so I never have to end up in a position where I feel like this.” She lifted her hand, gesturing to her face.

Tear-stained, exhausted, and desperately staring at Maya through the phone like she could pull her through it and into her own bed.

“And now, here I am anyway.” Fuck, she sniffled, and that sound only agitated her more. Especially when she couldn’t stop the tears from falling even harder and faster.

“Lay with me,” Maya encouraged, her voice so soft. “Lay back on your bed and take me with you.”

Autumn didn’t have it in her to resist. Not when Maya’s urging was so tempting, when her bed was soft and comfortable, especially in combination with Maya’s presence, even through the phone.

She curled up on top of her blankets, frustrated that she couldn’t stem the tide of her tears even when she closed her eyes.

“I feel like everything in-inside of me is about to crumble, and I have no control over it. I could lose the twins. You’re in New York, and soon enough you’re going to leave and go to work with Jillian.” And she knew it wasn’t fair to put that on Maya, not at all, and she didn’t want to. But she didn’t want Maya to go, and she wasn’t ready for it to happen.

Deep down, she had to admit there was a fear there. That if Maya was reminded of how easy her life could be without all of Autumn’s heavy emotional traumas, it might be… illuminating to her. Because Autumn just couldn’t fathom why Maya would choose this. Autumn wouldn’t choose it, herself, but it was her life.

“And I–” She hiccupped, turning and pushing her face against her pillow, willing herself to stop. “I really don’t know what I’d do, without you. And it’s – it’s so hard to need you like this,” she confessed.

But she couldn’t turn it off. She’d tried to resist, tried to shut Maya out of those emotional cracks for months, and she’d ended up filling in every empty, lonely dark place inside of Autumn.

“Especially right now,” she continued, the words escaping her on a sob. “When everything feels…”

She couldn’t put it into words, anymore.

Everything felt awful. And scary. And beyond her grasp. And she’d done everything she could to steel herself against it, to push through while Maya and Charlotte were out of town. She’d been doing everything she could to keep up a brave front for the twins, hoping that if she continued as normal, they wouldn’t feel this same weight of dread.

“I wish I was there, too,” Maya’s voice sounded so sad.

Like Autumn, over the rushing of the blood in her ears, could hear how much Maya wished she could reach through the phone to be here with her.

“Can you,” her breath hitched. “Can you just talk to me? And tell me about work? Or… anything, really?”

She just wanted to hear Maya’s voice. She just wanted to close her eyes and feel as though Maya was here with her, in her bed, while she tried to regulate her breathing and calm the hell down.

And Maya did exactly as she’d asked. Exactly what she needed. Autumn had no idea how long Maya sat there with her, telling her every last detail about what was going on in New York, but she knew it was well over an hour.

Her sinuses felt uncomfortably stuffed, even after her tears had stopped and she’d blown her nose. But for the first time all day – longer, really – she felt… calm.

Releasing a deep breath, she blinked her eyes open, grimacing at how gritty and uncomfortable they felt.

It was so quiet. And it was late. And she could see how heavy Maya’s eyelids were getting, the way she had to blink herself awake every thirty seconds or so, as her voice had grown quieter and slower, like she was doing everything she could to keep going, even as she was on the brink of falling asleep.

Autumn was exhausted, too. She’d been existing in a permanently exhausted state since last week, waking up in a cold sweat every night. Stuck in a limbo where she felt utterly fried, physically dragging, but couldn’t manage to catch more than a few hours of sleep at a time. And now, after that crying jag, she was

The right thing to do would be to hang up and let Maya rest, before she had to get up early and start all over again.

Instead, she swallowed heavily, and bit back the impulse to hang up.

It would be the easy thing to do. It would be what she’d have done before their relationship had shifted into being… well, in a relationship.

Asking for anything was hard. Asking for what she wanted – needed – felt wrong, because if life had taught Autumn one lesson, it was that the only person she could really rely on was herself. Despite who Maya had proven herself to be, over and over again, that voice was still in the back of Autumn’s head.

But she ignored it.

“I know you’re tired,” she said, quietly. Keeping her eyes open, trained on the way Maya’s face looked in the dim lighting of the lamp next to her bed. How soft her features looked.

She wished she could touch her. She longed for it, in that petrifying way.

She curled her hand into a fist against her pillow, pushing that terror back down.

“What gave me away?” Maya drawled, before she let out a jaw-cracking yawn.

An anxious, affectionate smile tugged at her lips. “Gee, I can’t put my finger on it.”

“Yes, I am tired,” Maya confirmed. “Usually, there are two of us running around to do Charlotte’s bidding and keep her schedule and be her shadow. And I will reiterate: you are missed. I don’t get nearly the same joie de vivre that you do from this.”

“I wish I was there,” the words escaped her, her throat feeling so raw, still. “I wish… not that I didn’t have the twins,” she immediately added, refusing to even put that seed into the world.

“I know you didn’t mean that,” Maya assured her.

She nodded. “I just… wish… I didn’t have this hanging over my head. I wish we could settle into normal life. I wish I could be doing normal things, like being on this trip with you.”

“Don’t worry, you don’t need to be jealous of me that I’m spending so much one on one time with Charlotte. She misses you,” Maya gently teased.

Autumn rolled her eyes, before she stared directly at Maya through the phone. “Is that what I said I was feeling?”

“I made an inference based on prior knowledge.”

“Your inference isn’t totally correct,” she asserted. And while typically, she actually loved being right, enjoyed this part of her banter with Maya, she didn’t feel that zing right now.

“Oh?”

“I… yes, obviously I’d love to be doing my job, there,” she slowly agreed, the words rolling off of her lips. She hesitated, her heart skipping a beat before she confessed, “But I’m not wishing I was there because of Charlotte. I wish I was there to be with you.”

Maya’s eyes opened wider than they’d been for several minutes, the obvious pleasure blooming over her face.

“I even wish – I wish we could have gone on our date,” she breathed out the confession. “Before you left. And I’m sorry we didn’t have the time to do it.”

Autumn had, obviously, never wanted to date. Never fantasized about it or gotten swept up in daydreams. She still didn’t; frankly, she didn’t know what to do on a date. The words escaped her before she could think twice, “I don’t even know what we’re supposed to talk about on a date, anyway.”

Maya tilted her head to the side, as she answered, “Whatever we want.”

“Knowing me, we’d probably discuss work,” she mused. She didn’t love that, necessarily, but she was able to be self-aware.

Maya let out a quiet laugh. “Yep, that seems about right. That is one of your favorite conversational pieces. And it’s where you’re most comfortable.”

God, it was so… it was so nice, how well Maya knew her. And that she didn’t hold this against her. That she wanted Autumn, even though this was who she was.

“And then we’d probably talk about the twins,” Autumn continued.

Maya nodded against her pillow, a sleepy grin on her mouth. “You are definitely correct.”

“So. We would talk about the same things we always talk about, only it would have been over a fancy dinner.”

“Mhmm,” Maya confirmed. Then did one of those adorable blinking-awake things.

“Essentially what we’ve been doing for months,” Autumn’s voice was thoughtful, as the realization settled over her.

How… jarring.

She’d have never labeled what she and Maya did before as being in a relationship or dating. But she’d been so dumb. What else could it be? They were sleeping together, spending nights together. Even though Autumn found it difficult to let Maya in, it was impossible to let anyone else in.

Maya’s breath caught in her throat, before she nodded again. “Ah – yeah. We just, you know, would have been doing it in public. With intention. Not as after-work-colleagues or passing time together.”

Autumn could hear what that meant to Maya. That it mattered.

She thought about the morning she’d refused to go to breakfast with Maya. About how dogged she’d been to not open that door any wider than it already was, because she hadn’t been ready to face this. Hadn’t been ready to accept it.

Autumn took in a long, deep breath through her nose. Holding. Before she finally let it out, her hands curling into her blanket. “I’m sorry. That I wasn’t… that I couldn’t… because I felt these feelings then, too.”

“I know,” Maya murmured, her eyes losing that battle against sleep.

Of course Maya knew. Of course she'd known.

“Can you–” She paused to clear her throat, which felt ridiculously tight. “Do you think you’d be open to… staying on the phone?”

Maya blinked her eyes open again, waking herself up. She pushed herself to sit up slightly against the pillows, shaking her head like it would help her in her fight against sleep. “Of course.”

“I don’t mean that you have to stay awake. We both should sleep, actually. I just – I know this is ridiculous,” she had to acknowledge, because she did. She did know it was ridiculous and made her feel very juvenile. But she fought against her instincts to give in to it. “But you make me… you help me sleep better. You make me feel – safe,” her voice fell to a whisper, barely audible.

But she knew Maya heard her, because her eyes opened widely. She could tell Maya was surprised. Autumn had shared that with her, before they’d gotten together. But they hadn’t lingered on it, and she hadn’t wanted to. And she’d never said it so blatantly before, the way Maya made her feel. The emotion she inspired in Autumn, in a place she’d long thought was numb.

Her heart was beating faster, like she’d done something extraordinary, rather than tell the woman who was literally her girlfriend, who’d confessed her sweeping love for Autumn that her presence made Autumn sleep better.

The look in Maya’s eyes was so soft and so warm, Autumn wished she could curl up in them. She was sure she’d be able to sleep like a baby there.

“I’d love to sleep with you, in every figurative and literal way.”

She’d known that would be Maya’s answer. Of course, she’d known it. But feelings weren’t logical, and relief still swept through her.

They both got comfortable, pulling down their blankets and shutting off lights. Autumn spent more time than Maya did, unsurprisingly, trying to figure out the best placement for her phone. She was satisfied when she managed to properly angle the holder on her nightstand so that she had a clear vision of Maya.

Maya, it appeared, had propped Autumn up on the pillows she wasn’t using.

Her face was illuminated by the moonlight streaming in from the window and the light provided from her phone, and even though Maya wasn’t here, literally, in the bed with her, Autumn felt calmer than she had since Maya had left.

“Maybe we can have an in-person version of this when I get home,” Maya’s voice was quiet, weighted by her exhaustion.

“Yes,” Autumn answered, entirely too eagerly.

She was so, so ready to feel safe and secure in the way only Maya could make her feel, especially right now.  

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