Planet-Eater 86 (Patreon)

But it’s not like I have any other theory! They simply showed up, told me to obey them, and now they’re begging me for help! Which I, of course, am giving them because to reject someone in need is mean. And I don’t want to be mean. Especially since I’m the only one currently capable of helping them at all. It’s gotta be done! So, I’ll help them.

All that aside, I’m starting to get the hang of this, so I think I can zone out a little and return to the banquet…

I blink, and the stars above turn into stars inside, equally bright and glittering, filling the whole room. Typhin and Fern have joined me at the table, and since our table faces the other guests, I can see how everyone is sitting down, all prim and proper, not a single hair or fin or tentacle out of place. I can’t spot Sorora anywhere, but maybe she’ll show up later?

“This valiant rescue…”

Oh, and someone is giving a speech. I’m not going to listen to it because words are starting to hurt, but I am going to enjoy the suit he’s wearing! Despite being a fishman, the one standing by the podium directly on the other side of the hall is very fancy, indeed. The white suit matches his complexion really well, and the rows of medals on his chest are almost as glittery as the rest of the room. 

Looking around, I can only spot a single open seat, which means that the guy holding the speech is the one who’s supposed to sit next to Typhin, who is sitting next to me. Delightful! I have no idea how this works. 

Oh, shoot, there’s stuff on my plate!!

…What is this? It’s like… Some translucent balls, two cylinders in a clear sauce, and a blade of grass…?

—Bottom’s up!

I stuff it in my face-hole using one of the pronged articles of cutlery, shovelling with what seems to be a square spoon, which is awful but the best I could find for it. In three easy shuffles, the food is all in my mouth, and I am chewin’ it. Nomch nomch nomch! Super soft, which is

‘STOP’

pretty yummy, and even though I can’t tell what flavour it is, it certainly has flavour! The grass tasted like grass though, so even when I chewed it, it

‘STOP NOW’

It… Oh, gosh, I remember this sensation. She’s trying to talk to me, isn’t she? Brr, gives me the heebie-jeebies… 

The guy is still holding his speech, and nobody seems to have noticed that I woke up, so… 

Putting down my cutlery, I sigh theatrically to myself, lean back, and allow myself to return to the stars and the planet. Oh, it’s getting pretty close now! My body is fully recovered into one big snowflake, and I can feel myself start to plummet faster and faster. Looks like everything’s going according to plan, so I can’t see why

‘WHY WERE YOU CHEWING’

…Huh?

‘YOUR’

‘MOUTHES’

You could see that? No, wait, does that mean both of my bodies chew together? Wow, that’s weird… But, um… I don’t mean to come across as, like, dismissive or anything, but… So what?

From my grip on the ship, I can see clearly how her whole body seizes up in what I think might be exasperation.

‘DANGEROUS’

I don’t really—okay, um. I’ll try not to do that in the future! Was there anything else, or can I go now…?

She makes a bunch of wide gestures at the planet below us like an angry italian. 

‘PLUMMETING TO OUR DEATH’

…No? No we aren’t?? What are you even—okay, listen, you seem like a competent person, but you’ve gotta have some trust here, okay? I’ve done this before! This is totally safe. If you would rather do this some other way… I’m sorry, but we’re kind of already stuck in it! So, if you’d please sit tight and find a good place to protect your head, that would be great, okay? I estimate touchdown will be in… let’s see… Around ten minutes. Until then, strap down, and try to stay calm, alright? Sorry if I sound snappy, I’ve had a stressful day. I’m sure you recognize the sentiment. 

Inside the cockpit, I can see with striking clarity as she pulls at her hair, throws her hat on the floor, stomps around in circles, and then finally plops down on one of the two chairs.

‘FINE’

‘OKAY’

‘WE DIE. YOUR FAULT’

It sure would be! Now, keep calm, and I’ll be right back, okay?

I zone back into the banquet. The speech has ended and people are eating and talking and there’s something new on my plate. It looks like a big white pancake, completely smooth, without any imperfections whatsoever. But when I look down at it, not only do I not feel hungry, I actually feel vaguely disgusted. Do I really chew with all my mouths at once, subconsciously? Have I been doing that all along…?

I shake my head. Enough about that! That’ll all be totally fine in just a bit. I’ll get them down to the surface, guide them to the temple, and then they’ll figure things out and I won’t have to think about them at all anymore. It’ll be great!

Yep, all I need is to take it easy, enjoy some good food and company, and it’ll all be 

‘STOP STOP STOP STOP DYING DYING’

I sigh to myself. Here we go again.

…Actually, you know what? They’ll be fine. They can handle a minor plummet. I can feel that I’m not even close to hitting the ground, so it’ll be alright. 

Letting myself relax a little, I turn to ask Fern what we’re eating, only to find that he’s not here anymore. Huh. Weird. Maybe he’s gone to the loo? I guess now even the far future can conquer the most basic of human needs… In that case, maybe Typhin…? Ah, no, now that I’m paying attention to it, he’s currently talking to the fishman next to him, discussing… Stocks, I think? It’s going right over my head, but they both seem so important and concerned about it that I really, really don’t want to bother them with such a dull question as what’s on my plate.

But there’s no one else at the table that I know, and there’s no one close by I’d like to get to know, and if I look away from the table, all I see is a banquet hall full of people occasionally glancing at me, either unable to place my features or seemingly apprehensive about my presence. Do they know who I am? Why did I get put so front and center, anyways? Wasn’t Sorora supposed to be here, too? I can’t see her, so…

And while I’m mulling about these things, a waiter speeds up to our table, flicking every plate he can see onto his arm and carrying them off in a big wobbly tower. Very effective! Dang, that was actually really impressive…

…Wait, where did my plate go? Hey, waiter, I hadn’t eaten that! My food was just—

I slump down in my seat. Dang it. Though, I suppose, it’s not like I need food… It's just, well… It felt nice to be included, for once. 

More food is sure to be brought out, but… Huh. Where did this come from? Why do I feel alone all of a sudden? That’s weird. That’s

‘BY THE FORCE COME BACK HELP NOW PLUMMETING DYING NOW HELP’

I feel a slight tug at the back of my mind. Strangely enough, there is someone who wants my company right now. 

Taking a quick peek to make sure Typhin doesn’t want to say anything, I lean back, and let myself return to space.

Fire licks at my tentacles. The surface of Ilsa approaches rapidly, my vision rocking back and forth as wind and pressure play a tug-o-war with my stringy body. Inside the shuttle, I can spot the two younger ones, the green angry woman and the boy, both sitting in their seats, bracing for impact. The only one not sitting is the older guy in the overalls, who’s running quickly from console to console, pressing buttons and shouting things I can’t hear.

‘PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE’

Alright, let’s see here…

I fan out my full form. Since my body was previously nothing more than a limp bundle of falling string, shifting to the full snowflake-formation makes a huge difference in terms of air resistance, our descent halting enough to make the approach feel not quite as dire. I’m glad I’ve got Strength upgraded as much as I do, or else this part might have been difficult. 

And now to calm down my passengers…

Er-herm, this is your captain speaking. Descent has been reduced and we are now gliding towards the spire of light. On your left, you’ll spot the great chasm of super-big, which isn’t quite as humongous as when I last saw it. When will this global warming end? And if you turn to the left, you’ll see—

‘SHUT UP’

…I was just trying to—okay. Sorry. I’ll try to get us as close as possible to the spire of light, so you shouldn’t have to travel too far once we’re there. But, hey! Look at the way the barrier shimmers in the light of the stars! Isn’t that super cool?

For a few seconds, I get no response. Then, after some time…

‘...MAYBE.’