A Gamer's Guide 410 (Patreon)

A piece of confetti rains down into my cup of tea, floating at the top for a second before sinking to the bottom. “...Excuse me?”

“No need to be so humble, Hope. Please, capitalize Yourself properly.” The little bell at the top of his head jingles as he angles his head, still smiling. “No insult meant, but We hadn’t expected You to ascend completely in such a short period of time. Most of Us spent years, even decades wandering around in our incomplete, outgrown physical forms. For You to shed it within mere months… Most impressive! Must feel good to no longer worry about turning immaterial, no?”

“Pain, what the hell are you talking about?” 

“Forgive Me, You speak truthfully; let’s get to the soul of the matter. By unanimous vote, We have decided to grant You two boons to assist You in the destruction of our common enemy, the God of Kings, with the promise of a third boon, should the war end in our victory.”

This is so eerie. This isn’t how he’s supposed to act. Or look. And where the heck are we? “Pain, what’s going on? Why are you—”

“For the first boon, We have elected to grant You full control over the Imperial city Kingfist. It will be a holy city in Your divine name, to be used as You please. Any mortals present there will, for the course of their stay, be Yours. The only exception will be for apostles of the God of Multitudes.”

“What?” 

“All ground within the walls of the city will be holy ground, Yours to alter. As a show of faith, We will also grant you the surrounding region of Greater Kingfist to be used as You wish. We ask for nothing in return. Think of it as a gift. As for the second boon—”

“No, no, wait,” I stand up from my seat, “what are You even saying? What is this?! Pain, I don’t—”

The smile drops from his face. “Please, Hope.” He gestures at my seat. “Sit down.”

I grit my teeth. But I can’t find it in me to fight it. This is weird and I hate it, but… I trust Pain. Whatever this is, he’s doing it for my sake. That’s why I sit down, ruefully taking a sip of my tea as I do.

The smile returns to his face. “Thank You, Hope.” I wish I could tell him not to call me that. But… I’m starting to think he can’t. Something’s keeping him from being familiar with me. Considering that he’s acting as representative for the rest of the god of multitudes, then… This might be a matter of professional chains, so to speak. “Now, as for the second boon, We have likewise decided to grant You full divine radius. Previously, You’ve only been able to exert a 57th of Your full divine radius, however, since Our desire to defeat the God of Kings overlaps, there’s no reason to muzzle Our allies. Henceforth, You are free to use Your full power on this planet.”

“Okay,” I say, as neutrally as I possibly can. 

“As for the third boon, it will—and can—only be granted once the invasion of the God of Kings has been fully abated. When that happens, We will grant You sanctuary here in Purgatory for as long as You desire.”

“...Sanctuary?”

Something genuine tugs at his face. “Yes, sanctuary. The God of Love will likewise grant sanctuary on Earth, should you prefer to return there once the conflict is ended. Either way, You will not be expected to rule Your own planet quite yet.”

“That’s nice, I guess,” I mutter. I drink a little tea, but it’s still just a twinge too hot for me. Doesn’t it ever cool down? Eugh. 

Placidly, diplomatically, even, Pain folds his hands atop the table. “Now, unfortunately, there is a less positive note to Our meeting here…” 

I perk up. Oh, finally! Of course they’d only give me a bunch of weird boons if they had something equally weird to break to me! The other shoe always has to drop after all.

“Yes?” I say, trying not to let the eagerness make my voice too high, trailing my fingertip along the rim of my cup. “What is it, Pain?”

“We can no longer support Your presence within the tutorial.”

I freeze in place. “...What?”

“That is…” He waves a hand in the air, a few fireflies happily flying along with the motion. “We would love to continue. About half of this day has been spent attempting and failing to synchronize Your divinity with the system, to no avail. You see… The way the system works, the skills… A skill is, in essence, a minor miracle. Every time a skill is used, it requires divinity. The divinity is regained through the devotion of our followers. Typically, players in the tutorial do not bear this cost themselves. After all, there is no skill whose divinity use would be too much for us to be able to bear. That is…”

“The summon rat skill,” I breathe. 

He nods gravely, fidgeting with the ear of his cup. “Yes. In an instant, You used enough divinity to replace an entire city with rats. The sheer amount of bodies to be reformed… The cost was immense. Almost §0,005. At first, the system thought it was a glitch. That’s why it rebounded. It thought that only a God could have activated such a skill, and sent the bill to You.”

“Is that why I felt like someone scooped out all my insides?”

“Yes. And You might have died, had the sheer devotion of every survivor in the city not repaid the debt in an instant—all and more. With such an intense influx of divinity, it’s a wonder You remained in one piece. Since then, Your divinity has only risen and risen… By this point, Your divinity has exceeded §0,03. It may not sound like much, but it is far beyond the capabilities of the system to support. We’ve been trying to keep your body somewhat stable, out of consideration for Your mental state, but there are limits to everything. Your stats have already failed, alongside most resistances, autoregenerative abilities, sense enhancements, and bodily abilities.”

“Oh. That’s…”

“Out of desperation, We have focused our efforts on keeping Your stealth abilities active, but even that can’t last. The system was designed for mortals, and with Your ascension completed, it simply isn’t compatible anymore. After all, You don’t have a physical form anymore. By the end of this meeting, You will no longer be able to access the forums, your status, or anything else. We’ve set aside your inventory items, but without any attachment to your soul, the minor dimension will eventually collapse. We’ll figure out a way to get them to You, but, for now, they’ll stay with Us.”

“That sucks,” I say, taking a sip of my tea. Noticing the look on his face, I quickly put the cup back down, swallowing the hot liquid. “But, um… Thanks for keeping the stealth skills active today. If You hadn’t, I’m pretty sure I would’ve gone crazy, so… Thanks.”

Ah, that did not improve the look on his face. “You’re… welcome?”

“I have a question, though.”

“Yes?”

“If I won’t be connected to the tutorial anymore, can I still do the quests?”

“I suppose… If You’d like to, there’s no reason not to. However, rather than receiving the skills themselves, You will rather be given the necessary rulings to recreate them Yourself.”

“From scratch?” 

“Exactly. Creating minor miracles can be a bit tricky, especially if Your aspect is incongruous with what You’re trying to cause. Nevertheless, You’re a clever boy. I’m sure You’ll be able to figure it out in due time.”

“Okay.”

He folds his hands carefully. Face neutral, pose neutral. “Would You like a cookie?”

“I’m not really…” No, wait, there’s something different here. “Alright,” I say. “Thank you.” And I reach out and grab a cookie, basically at random. It’s some little cannoli-looking thing, with a creamy black filling, as black as charcoal, but yummy. Tastes kind of like blueberries. I feel sick to my stomach but I still eat it, licking diligently at the cream.

“Of course, if You’d rather leave this all behind and go to Earth, that will be perfectly alright, too. The God of Love welcomes You most warmly.”

“That’s okay,” I say between little bites. “I don’t really want to go home yet.”

“That makes Me happy. Your presence here is much appreciated. Of course, as might be expected of Your aspect, I have little doubt that should You ever wish to go home, You will be able to do so without much difficulty. Simply hope for it.”

“Yeah.”

He watches me for a while. I eat and chomp and crunch. “Well, then,” he says, after a while. “That was all We wanted to bring up. A full itinerary will be sent to Your archangel, and by the time You return, Your presence in the tutorial will have been scrubbed entirely. Your old posts will be deleted, other players will be unable to message You, Your access to the forums and chats will be completely gone…”

I nod blandly, popping the final bit of the cookie into my mouth. “Okay. And my skills will be gone?”

“Skills, stats, anything like that, yes. Though, of course, any skills You have sufficiently modified into a miracle is Yours to keep.”

“That’s good. Would be a shame to lose the all-tongue skill.”

“Yes. Yes, it would be,” he says, looking over me with a strange gravitas. Before I can ask him if there’s something else he wants to tell me, he abruptly stands up. “Well! Thank You so much for Your time, God of Hope. The boons will be active by the time You return. We hope You will make the most of them.”

Standing up as well, I allow him to shake my hand again, once, twice. Utterly painless. “I’ll certainly try.”

“That is all We ask. Now, enjoy the remainder of the night, Hope.”