A Gamer's Guide 460 (Patreon)

“And then there was that rat guy, right?” Gecko says, cradling a cup of some sort of hot beverage in her hands. “The one with the pelts?”

“Oh, yeah,” Rice says, thumbing her lower lip, face shaded from the noon sun by the rim of her hat. Since it’s still pretty early in the year, she went and ordered some sort of hot porridge, which is sitting in front of her. “He was the one who wanted there to be more rats, so there’d be more for the cats to eat, no? Interesting motivations! If only rats could be eternal… I do like the cats too. More rats, more cats. It must happen!”

“One day, maybe,” I mutter, taking a bite of… What did I order again? I think it’s supposed to be a pizza, but since the cheese isn’t like mozzarella, and the meat is grazebeast, and the oil isn’t olive, it doesn’t taste like pizza. But it’s close. Honestly, I can’t really see the point of opening a restaurant designed to recreate Earth-style human food but with Purgatory ingredients, but it seems like both Gecko and Rice are really fond of the place. I can totally see why they’d want to show it to me. “Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to create mass from nothing but pure hope. Sure would be cool!”

“Absolutely,” Gecko says.

It has now been two weeks since I came back from Earth. And, well, to be honest… Everything’s going well! Honestly, I’m kind of shocked at how good things are turning out. Everyone gave me all the time I needed to get used to being outside my room, but now that I can project myself properly, I’m honestly doing fine. Sure, it was a bit daunting at first, and I was really nervous to see Buccina again, but once he saw me looking all normal, all the fear just melted away! Heck, I even got to meet Goss! He’s grown so much… Not enough to catch up to me—especially since I seem to just keep growing in height for some reason—but enough to put a bit of distance between himself and Buccina. The two of them are so alike. It’s actually really nice.

And, honestly, with the way Buccina has it here, and how much good Gecko is doing for the city… Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be leaving anytime soon. Which seems like a weird thing to say, sure, but it’s just… It’s nice here, you know? Everyone’s happy, and all my friends are here, and sure, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing everyday, but I have a feeling I’ll figure it out. For now, it’s enough that I’m here. 

I’ve settled down, I suppose. Day by day, things get easier, and the city seems happier. 

The people of the city, my citizens, pass by the little restaurant we’re sitting in, out there on the streets. They have animals pulling their carts and smiles on their faces, and they greet one another liberally. Sometimes I’ll see a party of humans, or even a human walking with goblins, and it won’t look out of place. They’re accepted here. Even more than that, for a lot of goblins, humans are to be venerated. They respect them. 

It’s… nice. 

The city is a nice place to be in. While I was out of it, Gecko worked hard to make it a pleasant place to be in, and by golly did she succeed. Almost everyone has a job and a place to live, healthcare is free, and the whole nobility system that used to be here has been totally deconstructed. All the money that used to go into the pockets of judges is being redirected to schooling and healthcare and welfare and whatever else. I think she even replaced the criminal system with something focused on rehabilitation? I have no idea honestly but so far it’s working great. 

“Oh, yeah, and then there was that hobo, wasn’t there?” Rice says, in-between bites of her porridge.

“The one with the huge knapsack?”

“Yeah! And the cats following him?”

“There must have been a dozen of them. Shame he didn’t want to stay and wait for Kitty to return, I really wanted to pet those cats…”

“Yeah. It’s kind of odd, he basically marched into the lobby, demanding to see Kitty immediately, and that he held the solution to everything and that he needed to see him, but then the second you told him that Kitty was gone for the moment, he totally deflated and slunk away. Didn’t even stay around for us to offer him a fresh change of clothes.”

“Such a shame. Walking around in rags like that?” Gecko shakes her head mournfully. “It’s really a shame. I do wonder what he meant by ‘hewwo,’ though.”

I feel my eye twitch. “Hewwo?”

“Oh, yeah,” Gecko says, turning to me. “That’s what he asked me to tell you. That he said hewwo.”

“That’s weird,” I say. “I didn’t know those kinds of mannerisms got through the translation.”

“Me neither, but maybe it was a regional thing?”

Hewwo… Hewwo… Don’t I recognize that…? Frowning, I put down my slice of pizza. “Do you think he might still be in the city?”

“Maybe? It’s been over half a month since he visited, but there’s always a chance, I guess?”

I catch Rice’s gaze. “Rice, didn’t you have the ability to sniff out whatever you consider to be a prey?”

“Sure, but I don’t typically make a habit of preying on the homeless.”

“Could you try it real quick? I’m just curious if he’s still in the city.”

Gecko and Rice share a look. In the end, Rice shrugs, says, “Alright,” and sticks her nose in the air, drawing in deep sniffs. Oh, man, I miss when I could do that. Rice’s expression twitches. “Hm. That’s odd. I can’t seem to smell much of anything…”

“That’s weird, you should be able to smell something,” I mutter. Hmm. I wonder…? 

Alright, this is totally experimental, and I haven’t even tried to do this before, but I think, if I could just create a little ball around her, where none of my divinity touches her, she might be able to do it? See, this whole city is kind of choked in my divinity. Every day my total divinity increases, but I don’t really have anywhere to keep it, so it’s all stuffed into this tiny city. No other divinity can really exist here. But if I create a hole around her, parting my divinity, then, hypothetically, the divinity of the god of multitudes should be able to get in…

I focus my mind. It feels like parting a sea with my bare hands. Gotta be done, though, so I do it, creating a hole in all of it, concentrated around her. “Try again,” I grunt. “Try it again.”

“Huh? Oh, sure, Prince,” she says, sniffing again. “No, still nothing.”

“Keep sniffing,” I choke out. “Keep sniffing until you smell him.” I expand the circle around her. Bit by bit. Inch by inch, it increases, until the circle widens, swallowing the restaurant, and the streets, and the people in them. The citizens are starting to stop in their tracks, content smiles replaced by furrowed brows and confused frowns. But it has to be bigger. Bigger, bigger, bigger, until the whole area is covered, and then more, and more, and more, and…

“Whoa, I can smell him!” Rice exclaims. “Eeee-yuck, he does not smell good. Can’t even begin to reckon when he last had a bath. He’s pretty close by though, so if you want to, I’m certain we could catch him lickety-split.”

“Where?” I ask, straining to keep the hole open. “Where, exactly, is he?”

“He’s just over—” Too slow. Can’t wait that long. Letting the hole crush closed, I pry into her heart and mind, grabbing the location from within it wholesale, giving it to myself. Rice’s jaw clamps shut. “Prince, how many times do I need to say this? I do not appreciate having you mess with my mind.”

“Sorry,” I say, expelling the divine equivalent of a very deep exhale. “It was an emergency. So he’s that close, huh…?” I stand up, ready to set up and meet this guy, only for a pair of quizzical gazes to meet me. “What? What is it?”

Gecko smiles oddly. “No, no, I just… Where’d this come from? Was the pizza that bad?”

“Oh, no, it’s just…” Actually, now that I think about it, why am I so desperate to find him? Just because he said hewwo? Or because he seemed like an interesting character? Either way, it’s no reason to waste precious food. “Aw, shoot, you’re right. Let’s keep eating.”

“Sounds good,” Rice says. “We can go get him after we’re done.”

“Yeah,” I mutter. The pizza doesn’t look quite as good anymore. But, still, I guess I do want to meet him. But not alone. I can’t be trusted alone yet. Not after almost killing Myrt by showing him my real self… Man, Gecko was not happy about that one. But I get it. Killing people is bad, after all, even if they’re okay with dying. 

After a few minutes, I finish my pizza, and then I watch, warm in the chest, as Rice and Gecko finish their separate meals. A human waiter comes out and we pay for our meals, which is kind of crazy, considering who we are. But, in Gecko’s opinion, who we are doesn’t matter all that much, so we still pay from our own pockets. Or, I guess, they pay, because I’m broke. I have no money. I live in a tiny room. Everything I owned was stolen by the gods to be returned at an unknown date. I’m worse off than a college student!

With the eating done, we stand up, and then all collectively pause. Gecko’s usually the one bringing us places, so I turn to her. “Hey, Gecko, where are we going?”

“To… the hobo guy? Kitty, it’s been like five minutes since we decided to find him, how have you already forgotten that?”

Oh, shoot, she’s right! “Dang, how’d I forget that?” I turn to Rice instead. “So, Rice, where’s he at?”

“How should I know? You swiped it from my mind. I have no idea where he is.”

…Ah. Man, it’s a miracle I’m even slightly functional. Let’s see, where’s that memory at…? Oh, here it is! Heh, that could’ve turned out ugly. “This way, friends. Follow thine god.”

“Aye, oh divine one,” Gecko says, not even trying to capitalize the title. Ungrateful mortal. I will banish her to the realm of ham logs after her premature demise. 

“Lead the way, brother,” Rice says, which is pretty sweet of her. I’m trying not to peek into their minds too much, but I can still feel the way the mention of siblingship draws her mind back to her four brothers. Way too many brothers if you ask me. 

I lead them. They follow me. I have no idea if he’ll be where I take them, but I still bring them down the street, across an open marketplace, down an alley, down another alley, and then finally down a third alley, where it opens up just a little bit. Vines stretch across the rows of houses on either side, some of the leaves just on the cusp of unfurling. And beneath those vines, in the middle of a minor hoard of cats—at least two dozen—is… Exactly nothing. All the cats are meowing up at an empty hole, eating food around the empty hole, pressing their bodies against the emptiness. There’s nothing there.

“Well, there he is,” Rice says, gesturing at the empty hole. “Do you want us to talk to him first, or do you…?”