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AHE: Zaph Illustrations 2 (Patreon)

Published:
2018-11-16 04:55:00
Edited:
2022-01-04 16:49:19
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

   An illustration of Kelly doing Stephanie's makeup from the Gijinka Training chapter:

   Kelly teasing Brian while Stephanie is in the hotel room's shower:

   Stephanie lost in thought while showering:

    Stephanie lost in something else entirely while showering:

( Zaph Illustrations 1 | AnimeCon Harem Eroge | Zaph Illustrations 3 )

Files

Comments

ZeroCross

It's the first time that I agree with your assessment. The beginning does not feel like Brian. He tends to downplay everything, and here it reads as a list of complaints. Brian usually tries downplay everything, deflect any clue as to why his life may suck. The part after that, the playful bet on a kiss, is great... but then Steph gets way too introspective. It feels sluggish, and doesn't connect well with the fingering scene in Bad End. I prefer how she realizes how much she desires Brian in Bad End than by adding this.

Robert E. Poole

I don't really agree on the assessment ZeroCross. I think this interaction is showing that not only are Steph, Kelly, and Emily(so far) being effected, but that Brian is also. As each one is giving in to the possibility of the relationship Brian is being more of what they truly need him to be.

HornsOfTheseus

I don't love this version of the scene for mostly the same reasons as ZeroCross. In addition, it seems to contradict the whole lesson Stephanie learns when she thinks Brian hates her in Bad End as she has already realized that she needs him in this version. Also, if I understand correctly, this removes the whole Anime Dream Girl question, which I thought was cute and well set up from chapter 3.

HornsOfTheseus

Also, I feel like there will be sort of a weird transition between this and when Chloe texts her with Brian's phone. One of the reasons it was so effective originally was because she got dumped from the highest point of happiness to the lowest low: here she it seems like she is going to be dumped from introspectively sad (hence "subdued smile") to "my life is over" sad.

FortySixtyFour

I thought that my first pass had garbage chemistry--this one here was my second pass, the one with chemistry between them I liked! I thought this here WAS Brian downplaying the parts of his life that suck, I didn't intend for it to be interpeted as complaints. I'll have a closer look at it soon for yet another rewrite to see what wording needs changed. I can certainly trim down the somewhat redundant paragraphs in Steph's introspection to hopefully fix any pacing issues, but I thought it was absolutely necessary to put that part here so that it connects to her moment in Bad End. Here in OS she is realizing for the first time she is open to the idea of having sex. Then, in BE, she is beginning to act on that realization.

FortySixtyFour

I couldn't figure out a way to rewrite the anime dream girl sequence so that it didn't come off as TOO cheesy, so it got cut. The more I think about it, the more I think that the anime dream girl line back then wasn't something that needed elaborated on.

FortySixtyFour

I disagree in that Steph was in no way at a highest point of happiness--she was in an anxiety-inducing situation, walking alone in an area she wasn't sure if she was allowed to be and was out of her element/didn't feel safe. It's actually the ONLY appropriate point I can think of for a bittersweet moment where Stephanie has time for introspection. Rather than actually sad, she's anchoring her situation (daring to open up, be social and intimate with others) to one of the events of her past that shaped her life. I can try to write a more positive end note to come off of for that, but I definitely don't want her to seem giddy with happiness or at a high point there.

FortySixtyFour

Maybe if I switch the near-drowning preface: I never thought I’d feel this way, she smiled to herself. I never even imagined. I think this is it; I think he’s the one. Anything can work out, because it’s him. He’s… he’s the stone beneath the water. And put it after the near-drowning part, it ends off on much more of an upbeat note.

FortySixtyFour

Maybe if I change the wording of: "It all sounds pretty dumb when I lay it out like that." to: "Ha hah, it sounds a little dumb when I lay it all out THAT way, but I don't regret any of it. I'm really lucky." And add a chuckle as a dialogue tag, it seems more like upbeat Brian.

ZeroCross

Oh, see, that's one line I felt was really Brian's type. What I would do is cutdown the rest. The issue is revealing too much to come off as standoffish, too little to come across as genuinely answering the question. Brian is the type of guy to worry about burdening people about his shit. “I have an okay apartment,” Brian continued. “My life is… well, pretty much just me working all the time. Whenever I have time to spare, I spend it on stuff like AnimeCon, here—you know, doing stuff with friends. It all sounds pretty dumb when I lay it out like that.” Even Brian admitting that he's from a bad home feels too honest, or not honest enough. Either he's having a real heart-to-heart, or he's deflecting. Maybe something: “Nothing too exciting, really. Didn't get along with my dad. Left the day I turned eighteen, and haven’t heard from any of my family since. Didn’t go to college. I wouldn’t be sure what the heck I’d want to study, anyways.”

ZeroCross

The chemistry between Brian and Steph is there. You nailed that. It's what comes after. The introspection feels extremely wordy, and the part about the Sea of Cats doesn't have the pay off to warrant its length (although it's really well-written). I lightly edited the text <b>before the first break</b> to, hopefully, carry the same/intended mood. <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1shKJvdR0g7oVP0jWqENAYEoCQvZRgg-cfJQZoLkCBHw/edit?usp=sharing" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">On Google Doc</a> because Patreon has the worst commenting. I like what you're going for with the Sea of Cats, re-reading it now, but I felt it took too much time to go anywhere on my first read through.

ZeroCross

Unlike HornsOfTheseus, I can easily see it integrate into the story as is. That being said, I do think the flashback would neatly just between the "repressed memory" paragraph and the "stone beneath the water" paragraph. I think it would read better.

Jostikas

Okay, something's wrong with Patreon website (as always), so if this comment ends up somewhere else, it's supposed to be under Steph and Kelly makeup illustration from AHE. I think Kelly's look is good on the lineart, but as the hair hides her brows and lashes, it turns doll-like and not-Kelly.