Unlearning "The Right Way" To Live (Patreon)

I've lived a rather unconventional life, in a multitude of ways.

I have chosen the path of the artist (or, it has chosen me). And that path has been one of exploring many different artforms, all with no clear-cut career path. 

I left college in 2009 a few credits shy of graduating. (Kind of accidentally — I went on a roadtrip with my partner at the time, and never returned.)

I moved across the USA three times in one decade, and one time, it was because of a film I saw that changed my life.

I am currently in the slow, uniquely challenging process of determining where in the world I want my homes and headquarters to be.

I dwell in a partnership that allows for me to enjoy other lovers, and am constantly navigating the beauty and challenges of this kind of relationship dynamic, for which I have no solid blueprint.

After never having tried drugs until 20 years old, and then trying almost anything I encountered, I then spent four years in my 20s completely sober. (Save for a champagne toast every once in a while, and one solo mushroom trip.)

And... I have also come to discover great value and joy in exploring psychedelics and other intoxicated states.

I have enjoyed many sexual encounters, been immersed in sex/play party culture, been to kink/BDSM clubs and spaces.

I have chosen not to have biological children in this lifetime, which is something that also comes with a very unique set of challenges and decisions, as part of me has a strong mothering and nurturing instinct. 

I got rid of my TV as a teenager and haven't owned one since. I rarely am attuned to whatever big-box-movie or TV show is being talked about. 

I have worked many kinds of jobs, finally landing on the rocky-and-untravelled road of working for myself, trying to make money doing the things I love to do, and with no formal business training or guidance.

I have explored and continue to explore all manner of "taboo" or otherwise not-much-spoken-about subjects that interest me — power dynamics, BDSM/kink, non-monogamy, emotions, death, sex magic, shamanism.

Throughout my entire young and young adult life, I have felt different. 

I have felt more emotional, more sexual, more analytical, more spiritual, more sensitive, more aware, more filled with burning desire than most.

And I have continuously been met by cultural notions of "the right way" to live. 

As have most/all of us, right? 

I doubt you'd be here and reading this right now if you are someone who has always subscribed to the road that was pre-paved for you.

Finish college. Get a degree. Get a well-paying, sensible job. Don't do drugs. Don't wear that outfit. Don't be too wild. Meet partner. Be monogamous and make it work. Buy a house somewhere sensible. Have sensible friends. Vacation somewhere warm once in a while. Have children. Work toward a solid, definable career. Go to therapy. Grow old. Then...?

Even though it's been hard, sometimes...

Even thought it's been painful, sometimes...

Even though I've had to let go of many things, places, and people — even those that felt safe, comfortable, and good for me...

I was never made for the cookie-cutter life.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"

— Jack Kerouac

It is always ultimately on us to choose, and this is a theme that runs heavily through my life and inquiries — the power of choice, even the concept of choice, and what that means in this day and age.

It is not so long ago that I would have been expected to cook, clean, and serve a household and family as my sole purpose in life.

It is not so long ago that I would have been burnt at the stake for swimming naked under the moon or cackling around a fire with other women.

It is not so long ago that I would have been exiled for my art, my sensual/sexual expression, and lifestyle choices.

And in some areas of the world, these things or similar things still happen to people (especially women) who stray from the path they were told to take.

Choosing takes bravery.

And in a culture that so often delights in us hating ourselves or making ourselves small, or benefits from our feelings of "too-much-or-not-enough-ness"... today, I am celebrating this — 

The brave choices. 

The difficult choices. 

The joyful choices.

The I-feel-my-heart-is-gonna-jump-outta-my-chest-but-yet-this-feels-right choices.

For me. For you. For all of us.

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." 

— Anaïs Nin

xo

A.M.