September Lore Drop: The Siege of Pasturis Prime (Patreon)

The Siege of Pasturis Prime, or The 44th Blapocide, was one of the most significant and badass alien exterminations in the galaxy. During a system-wide infestation of the Pasturis Sector by enemy Blap Blaps (Blueberries, Tongue-Flippers, Slotmouths, etc.), the Star Defender legion closed in with one of the largest fleets in Psycho Warrior history. It was totally fucking sweet.

Pasturis Prime, one of the 8 planets in the Pasturis Sector, is known for its primitive human population and premium pasture-raised little boys. However, because the overwhelming demand for little boys far exceeded the star-cluster’s supply, the Planetary Legalators (supervisors for the Legalator Bureaucratalis, the organisation of the Holy Space Kingdom responsible for numbers and laws and stuff) were put in a difficult position. Instead of rationing the Psycho Warrior legions’ shipments to preserve supply, the Legalator-General of Pasturis Prime began adulterating the pasture-raised boys to meet the demand. This decline in quality continued until the boys were fully factory-farmed. 

As the legions demanded full replacements for their sick, weak, hormone-pumped boys, the Legalator resorted to cloning, a dark science forbidden by the Holy Space Kingdom due to its unpredictability and genetic uncertainty. Desperate, the Legalator did the unthinkable: He made a deal with the Blap Blaps (Blue Meat, Minge-Mouths, Spit Valves, etc.) The Blap Blap menace (Blue-Bloods, Blapholes, Bug Suckers, etc.) was first discovered when an expedition of Star Defender Psycho warriors, in search of the Divinity of Space King artifact, was forced to deploy a geno bomb on one of their satellite planets. Unfortunately, this was after the race had become space-faring, so the geno bomb failed to purge them all. Having already honed their craft of economic and industrial subterfuge against their alien neighbors, the Blap Blaps (Blueys, Wiggle-Wags, Bloopers, etc.) turned their sights on the Holy Space Kingdom.In order to clone the boys, the Blap Blaps (Floppers, Sloppers, Slobbles) would help the Legalator obtain the parts and technology that were too risky to obtain by himself. In return, he would trade them his Cellulant-Fragulator, a piece of ancient human technology that was critical for cloning. With this technology, the Blap Blaps (Gloop-Troops, Drool Monkeys, Jelly Eyes, etc.) could solve their birth rate crisis and threaten galactic domination.

However, under intense market pressure, the Legalator of Pasturis Prime prematurely activated the lab before handing over the Fragulator, causing the Psycho Warrior legions to receive blue-ish boys with vertical lips. After noticing something was off, they immediately charted a course for Pasturis Prime, but by then, it was too late. The Legalator was in breach of contract, triggering a clause that gave the aliens full control of Pasturis Prime.

It was imperative that Pasturis Prime be reclaimed before the alien incursion could spread to the rest of the sector. While carpet-bombing the planet was suggested numerous times, such a course of action would have wiped out the pasture-raised boys that replenish much of the Psycho Warrior’s ranks. Instead, the Captain of the Star Defenders launched Operation: Go Down There And Crush Their Stupid Blue Heads, initiating mid-to-close range combat against the invading forces.

What the Blap Blaps (Blaffles, Blap-tards, Blue Skins, etc.) lack in strength and intelligence, they make up for in numbers and stolen shit. They descended on Pasturis Prime with newly-developed weapons, with one of these innovations being the Knock-Off Psycho Warrior. These mockeries of Space King’s image were created by reverse-engineering salvaged Psycho Warrior armour and leftover genetic data, forming a mechanized suit of armor. However, because they lacked any holy globules (opting instead to use what the Imaginators coined “unholy Bluu-Ball technology”), their strength and aggression paled in comparison to those of a pure-bred Psycho Warrior. Thus, each Knock-Off was viciously disposed of with prejudice and their dead armored shells were used to empty the troops' waste hatches.

Waves of Psycho Warriors fought against the innumerable swarms of Blap Blaps (Gobblers, Bloop-Goops, Blue Waffles, etc.) But while the enemy was being driven back, the Star Defenders faced considerable casualties. However, because most of these deaths were regeneratable and caused by boredom (because those little blue assholes go down in just one shot), the Sanctum Globulari’s official decision was that these deaths don’t count.As the last 10% of the Blap Blap forces (Tongue-Smurfs, Roller Lips, and Tongue-Guzzlers) fled from their impending extermination, the remaining boys were corralled back into their pens for a system-wide headcount. According to an official census from Human Resources, about 14% of the little boys were lost in the invasion. In an attempt to prevent an incident from happening like this again, several Star Defender companies were stationed to keep permanent watch over the Pasturis Sector and protect its sweeping flocks of boys.

“Trying to take our boys is a stupid move, but invading a boy PLANET? Any time one of us died, we could just reach over, grab a new boy, and respawn before they could even reload.”

~ Captain of the Star Defenders.

“I know it only takes one shot to kill them, but hitting them over and over again is so much more fun!”~ Brother Sievers of the Star Defenders

“BLRPRB!  *smack* BLRRRB! *smack* BLBLBLBRR! *gurgle*”

~ Blap Blap whose blaster grazed Brother Sievers’ helmet