David Marshall's Euro Diary Day 1: Der Trottel (Patreon)

Imagine my surprise when I showed up at Glasgow Airport this morning to find out that Overlord Davie had secured neither a press pass nor flights to Germany for me! Oh well, back to Linwood it was. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only Scotsman not to show up tonight. 

After 26 years Scotland finally played tournament football on foreign soil and I for one am quite happy to wait another 26 years after that display. I’ll be honest, I kind of got into it today too. I was walking my kids home from my folks and I saw a lot of kids with Scotland tops and flags and the young team with their carry-outs and I thought, yeah fair play. Enjoy yourselves. A little bit of France ‘98 nostalgia was washing over me. 

The Germans knocked that out of me almost instantly. I knew we were in trouble when,  in the third minute, Kieran Tierney was celebrating a goal kick. F*cking weirdo. 

It took all of 10 minutes for Florian Wirtz to put the hosts in front. Let’s talk about Angus Gunn. I’ll admit I haven’t watched much of this boy but what I have I am yet to be impressed. Absolutely lacking at the first goal, it’s a decent enough hit but a shot that you would expect an international goalkeeper to save. More on him later. 

It would be hard to say that it felt like game over when the super Musiala made it 2-0 in under 20 minutes. Truth be told it never felt like the game started. The touch count for the Scotland midfield must have been non-existent as John McGinn and Callum McGregor especially were completely anonymous and chasing shadows. Hell mend Steve Clarke if he decides to leave Billy Gilmour on the bench again. 

Scotland were given a brief bit of respite when a penalty was overturned and a free kick was awarded instead. But Ryan “He’s not that type of player” Porteous wasn’t having that, as he proved once again he is in fact very much that type of player. 

A pathetic, cowardly and shocking tackle by Porteous on Gundogan saw Germany go in at the half with a three-goal advantage and Scotland with just a red card to show for their first-half “efforts”. 

A tackle that summed up everything about Porteous. Now, I am someone that thinks there is a player in there. Unfortunately, what is actually on the surface and much more prominent is a complete f*cking idiot. And you have to say, at this point of his career, that’s all he’ll ever be. See you in a couple of years Porto when you inevitably sign for Aberdeen. 

Clarke finally brought on Gilmour on the 67th minute for McGregor which was exactly 67 minutes too late. He got on just in time to see Germany score a stunning fourth before having a 5th ruled out for offside. 

Scotland got a consolation goal (yipee) but that just seemed to anger the Germans who got a fifth before the end. Gunn was as much use as a training cone again as the hosts confirmed the highest opening game victory in the history of the European Championships. 

I am watching the post-match analysis on STV as I write this up and Graeme Souness has just said you can’t tell how good Germany are because Scotland were so bad tonight. I completely agree with that and if anyone out there thinks that they have a chance of getting something against Switzerland or Hungary, then you must have seen something I missed tonight. 

No Scotland, No Party? Well, the Germans will certainly think we were the perfect guests.