Eric Linnaeus | Book 3 | Chapter 16 - I’ve Never Wanted Anything More (Patreon)

Eric Linnaeus | Book 3 | Chapter 16 - 𝕀’𝕧𝕖 ℕ𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕎𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝔸𝕟𝕪𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕄𝕠𝕣𝕖 ɴᴀᴛʜᴀɴɪᴇʟ ᴋʟᴇɪɴ: ᴀᴘʀɪʟ, 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟶. ─── .✦

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𝕀’𝕧𝕖 ℕ𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕎𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝔸𝕟𝕪𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕄𝕠𝕣𝕖ɴᴀᴛʜᴀɴɪᴇʟ ᴋʟᴇɪɴ: ᴀᴘʀɪʟ, 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟶.

─── .✦········· ───

“..Ow,” my brother stopped mid-sentence as the scrunched-up piece of paper I had thrown hit him in the head. He looked over at me with wide eyes full of confusion as if I had just betrayed all the trust he once had in me.

“What was that for?” he murmured uncertainly.

“I don’t want to hear your whining,” I explained, smiling to myself, bemused.

He would get over it. For all the bravo Achaicus put on for everyone else, he was still too nervous around me. My little brother pretended to be my elder, yet he still so blatantly looked to me for approval. He should know by now that he doesn’t need it. My feelings toward him have never changed, regardless of any mistakes he might have made.

If he continued to argue that he wasn’t complaining I was going to have to explain all over that he was forgiven and need not worry so much. Thankfully, it was Eric knocking on the door frame that saved me. He leaned against it in place of his cane and waited there until my brother left the room. Then Eric came to sit on the edge of the desk closest to me.

“Where’s your cane?”

“I still can’t find it,” he sighed.

“And that doesn’t concern you?”

“Not particularly. Why should it? I’ve just misplaced it. No one will take it, I’m the only person who needs it.”

He did have a point, “Very well, then why are you here?”

Eric ignored the question altogether as he spotted the drink left on my desk from earlier, “Did Molly make you that?”

“Yes, why?” I couldn’t see why it should matter. I had only refused it because I assumed she made it the same way she makes Achaicus’s—alcoholic.

He paused, tapping his fingers on the desk before he spoke, “I think you should be wary of her.”

“And why’s that?” I asked without concern.

“She’s lurking, I don’t like it.”

“She’s not lurking. You’ve just never particularly liked her.”

“With good reason.”

“Regardless, if that matter is solved, you may go.”

“That’s not what I came here for.”

“And what did you come for again?”

Eric’s gaze settled on me, “Mm~” he pondered, “Can you look up for me?”

Why did he have to answer every question with another? There was something mischievous in his request, but I could see no harm in it. I followed the instruction with suspicious caution, tilting my chin up to look at him from where I was seated, and for whatever reason, he smiled as if pleased. My brow creased. What kind of game was he playing here?

“Why do I need t-?” I began mildly annoyed, and in response, he leaned in close, effectively silencing me with a gentle kiss.

If he had just said that was what he wanted, I wouldn’t have declined.

Eric rested a hand on my cheek, drawing me closer, and I closed my eyes as he kissed me. Had he truly come only for this? To be around me? Surely not. The tension in my shoulders melted away as his tongue traced my teeth. I hadn’t even been aware I was tense until that moment, and when he pulled away, it was too soon.

I coughed politely as I caught my breath, averting my gaze to anywhere else, “Is that all now, then..?” I asked as my face warmed.

“…I suppose so,” Eric agreed easily. He moved to go, and I regretted my choice of words; he probably thought I wanted him to leave.

“-Wait.”

“You need something?” he paused, turning back.

“…May I have one more kiss, before you go..?” I hated myself for asking, doubly so when I noticed his smug expression. He was distinctly entertained, and I already knew what he was about to say.

“No~” he purred without hesitance.

I don’t know what else I was expecting; of course that would be his answer. “Okay…” I wasn’t going to force him to kiss me.

“But…” he continued carefully, “It’s not because I don’t want to.”

“Then only to spite me?”

“In part,” he agreed playfully, and I scowled. Maybe I should have forced him then.

“That’s unkind, Eric,” I chastised.

“Perhaps.”

“Go then.”

“Actually, there is one more thing.”

“What now?”

“Will you tell me why you asked me to stop? The other day?”

“…I don’t know,” I mumbled reluctantly; I didn’t want to think about it too much.

“I want to try again…”

“Right now?”

“If you said yes, I wouldn’t say no.”

“Anyone could walk in.”

“The door has a lock doesn’t it?”

“This is my office…”

“So?”

My cheeks turned flush. This insolent brat, he had no respect. Especially considering he was the one who didn’t want anyone to see us together more often than not. “Fine then,” I accepted the offer with as much bitterness as I could and when he pushed the chair back, my heart began to race.

He sat in my lap with his thighs either side of mine, pressing himself close while kissing me tenderly. Eric undid the buttons of my shirt with one hand and pushed it off over my shoulder, before readjusting to leave a mark on my throat.

His teeth grazed the underside of my jaw, and I trembled. “Wai-t..” I panicked, “Not so high up…”

“Too late…” he breathed against my neck.

The words sent a wave of static across my skin, causing me to shudder and my breath hitched. His touch was warm. It left a coolness in its wake as his fingers traveled down my chest, and when he began to take off his clothes, the fabric of my pants quickly became too tight.

He was being exceedingly patient with me, everything he did was slow and careful, but it didn’t help. A thousand conflicting sensations that I didn’t know what to do about stirred an apprehension I didn’t want to acknowledge. “Eric…” I began.

“It’s okay, that’s supposed to happen,” he assured.

That wasn’t what I had intended. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I couldn’t find my voice. His breathing had shallowed with anticipation, and he was shaking as he undid my belt. I was making him nervous as well, and I hated myself for it.

“…Please…” I begged, at last taking hold of his wrists to stop him, “Don’t…”

“…I won’t hurt you…” he tried gently, but I shook my head.

This wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or why I keep asking him to stop. Fragments of fear pierce my mind, and panic consumes me each time he tries to take my pants off. I find myself wondering if I’m broken in some way, and ashamed for it.

“Nathaniel… For the love of goodness, please,” he pleaded with me. There was an undertone of frustration in his voice, and it only made me feel worse.

Eric delayed a long moment more before sighing softly to himself, “Okay…” he agreed at last, closing his eyes as he rested his forehead against mine, “I just need a moment to calm down…”

I’m certain he must’ve hated me, “I’m sorry…” I whispered, remorsefully.

He shook his head before warmly kissing my brow, “There’s no need for that. You have nothing to apologize for…”

His kindness did little to reassure me, “You must grow tired of my hesitance?”

“It’s okay,” he repeated as he at last began to move off me.

“Are you upset..?”

He said nothing for so long that I wasn’t sure he would even speak to me again, and I thought he must have been wordlessly furious.

“Please answer me…” I murmured quieter, and he sighed in exasperation.

“Nathaniel…” he looked back over to me as he re-buttoned his shirt, “I can’t lie to you; you know that full well, and I’ve said it’s okay. I’m not upset with you.”

Perhaps he wasn’t upset, but he sounded fed up. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

“I don’t know either,” he mused, “You’re the only person that’s ever denied me, and in a way I like it.”

“You like it when I say no?”

“No, but I like that you can say no.”

I snorted, “Whatever would make you think I couldn’t?”

He ignored the question. I must have said no to him at least a dozen times by then. So I was sure he was beginning to resent me, no matter what he said, especially as I could never say what was wrong, nor did I have any way of fixing the problem. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him; it was more that I was too afraid to do it.

“Eric… I-…” I began uncomfortably as I tried to explain myself.

“It’s fine, I don’t need an explanation.”

“Then, what are you thinking..?” I asked at last.

At this, he hesitated, taking a deep breath. “Two things: firstly, you should trust me when I say I’m not going to hurt you and that it’s okay. I’m not going to force myself on you and I hate that look in your eyes like you think I could even do something like that. I don’t care how long it takes, or how many times you ask me to stop. I’m willing to wait, I’m not going to hurt you.”

He didn’t allow me the opportunity to answer as he continued, “Secondly, it’s unbelievable… that you could say no to me so many times. I have no idea how you’re doing it.”

I didn’t understand how I could say no to him either. How was it possible to want something so much? And then deny it every time the opportunity came up? I must be insane.

“I don’t think you would hurt me… I just don’t know what I’m doing… and I’m afraid you’ll get sick of waiting.”

“Let me worry about that.”

It didn’t matter what he said, I knew his patience wasn’t endless, he wouldn’t wait forever.

Eric moved back over to me and forced me to look at him, “Stop thinking about it. Also, just so you know, I’m going to take your car for a few days.”

“You already know you’re welcome to do so…”

He smiled savagely, showing his teeth. “No guarantees I’ll bring it back, though,” he said, pushing my face aside as he let go. He took the cup Molly had poured with him as he departed, leaving me alone to contemplate my choices.

─── .✦········· ───

Eric left with Charles on a job shortly after, and I regretted not getting the chance to say goodbye properly. They were doing the work of what we call ‘Peacekeepers’. A division of Fae usually assigned just to keep discretion and ensure nothing feeds too obsessively on humans in our territory. But they don’t dispatch unless there is patently going to be a problem, whereas Eric investigates all suspicious activity. I wondered how many incidents of exposure he’s inadvertently prevented just by being there?

Regardless, it’s a dangerous activity, even more so for humans, and I was grateful that he took Charles with him more often than not. The man was becoming quite capable with the witch’s magic, which was surprising for a human. But still, I couldn’t help but worry.

I found I didn’t particularly enjoy it when they were gone for more than a day. It was difficult to rest knowing Eric was out there facing dangerous creatures. Sometimes, when they returned both would sleep well into the following day, so I suppose some hunts were more challenging than others.

As it were, they had been gone for over two days already, and I was beginning to grow anxious. What if they faced something more than they were capable of handling? Or were too hurt to return? Perhaps they were already dead… Those were the fears distracting me as I sat in the garden trying to focus on rechanneling my energy through my body.

“Nathaniel, might we have a word?” Markos interrupted my concentration.

“If I say no, will you go away?” I responded without opening my eyes.

“Not likely.”

“Then I suppose I have little choice in the matter. What is it that you want?”

“We need to talk about your Pet.”

I stifled a deep sigh, “What is it this time? Did he take your car again?”

“No,” Markos muttered, “I fear you’re becoming too close with him.”

Not this again. I thought begrudgingly as he continued.

“You should be wary of him. He is keeping secrets.”

“Eric can’t lie to me; how do you think keeping anything from me will work for him?”

“He can’t speak a lie to you, certainly. But that doesn’t mean he can’t withhold the truth.”

“And what exactly is it that you believe he’s withholding?” It would be foolish of me not to hear his concerns, so of course I was interested to know. Markos is not a dim-witted man, nor is he one to waste his effort on trivial matters. So, whatever his suspicions, I would always listen. Still, I got the impression that there was something he wasn’t disclosing.

“…I don’t know,” he admitted, “Which is precisely the problem. He is behaving suspiciously, and I cannot figure out why.”

I thought for a moment, “Very well. When you have proof of whatever it is that you believe, then you may speak with me about it. Until then, I wish to hear no more of your paranoia.”

“I believe he intends to kill you.” I wasn’t allowed the opportunity to respond as my shock silenced me, and he resumed his argument, “…Please be cautious with him. I understand that he often wants to spend time with you alone, but I would strongly advise that you not spend any time with him unsupervised until I understand what it is that he’s hiding.”

“Markos…” I wasn’t sure how to tell him. “Believe me, he wants to be alone with me for a different reason.”

“And what is that?”

“Nothing you need concern yourself with.”

His attention moved to the mark on my neck just below the collar of my shirt, and I readjusted uncomfortably. I couldn’t say for certain if he understood, but he paused for some time before reiterating, “I don’t believe his intentions are what they seem. I’m not even certain that he is what he seems. So I beg of you, please be cautious.”

“I can take care of myself; if I need to use commands on him, I will.”

“Good.”

“Is that all?”

“I suppose.”

“Good. Has Claire spoken with you yet?” I asked instead.

“She speaks to me daily.”

He was hopeless, “Have you spoken to Charles yet?”

“…Not yet.”

“Perhaps you should go do that then.”

“Is that an order?”

“Not yet,” I mused, and he scowled slightly. I’m certain he was cursing me in his thoughts.

Still, his concerns remained with me even after he left. There was a part of me that worried that, despite all I had tried to change, Eric still might never forgive me. After all, there were parts of me that believed I didn’t deserve to be forgiven.

─── .✦········· ───

By the early morning of the fourth day that Eric and Charles had been gone, I was beginning to fret. I had stayed up late working on reports for my grandfather’s expected visit in the coming months in an effort to distract myself, but it was of little help. They had been gone for so long. I had expected them home that day, and they hadn’t returned. If they weren’t home by the following day I was going to go after them personally to make sure they were safe.

However, when I returned to my room, there was an unusual trickling coming from the adjoining bathroom. Had I left the water on? I approached cautiously, unsure of what to expect, and came to find Eric sitting in the bathtub with the overhead water running. It was overfilled, and he was still fully clothed. Diluted blood stained the bubbles and dirt turned the water a dusky brown.

“…What are you doing?” I asked, confused.

“Sitting,” he answered dully.

“When did you get back?”

“A few hours ago.”

“Is everything alright..?”

This time, Eric remained quiet, and I hesitated. There was a scrape on his arm, a bruise on his cheek, and twigs in his hair. His eyes were reddened, and moisture dampened his cheeks, had he been crying? With the water, I couldn’t tell.

“You could have at least undressed before bathing.”

“Sorry…”

He almost never apologized. That was how I knew for certain that something was wrong. “How long have you been in here?” I asked more gently.

“I don’t know.”

“Will you let me help you?”

Again, he didn’t answer. But I supposed the lack of protest was as good as an agreement, and I sat beside him, rolling up my sleeves before pulling the leaf litter from his hair.

“…I got lost,” he murmured without looking up.

“In the forest?” I asked, surprised. He had played in the woods since he was young; he probably knew them better than I did.

“Yes…”

“Why were you in the woods?”

“Calla wanted to talk…”

“About what?”

“It doesn’t matter now…”

We fell into silence as I tried to help him undress. The sleeveless halter neck he wore was already a tight fit, but now that it was wet, it was impossible to get off over his injuries without reopening them.

“I’m going to have to tear this.”

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll get you a new one,” I assured. He might not care at the moment, but he would later.

I tore it down the back and peeled the fabric off him. His back was bruised, as if someone had slammed him into the ground and I hesitated. Contempt boiled within me; whoever had laid hands on him, I hoped they were dead.

“It’s just part of the job; I’m fine,” he spoke as if reading my thoughts.

“It’s unnecessary. You don’t need to work, especially not in such a dangerous occupation-”

“I don’t want to hear it,” he snapped back, and I stopped. Perhaps now wasn’t the time.

“You need to get out of the water now,” I stated, doing my best to keep my tone level.

“I can’t…”

“And why is that?”

“Because I can’t walk right now! I told you I got lost in the forest. I already had almost no energy left in my leg when I got back, and now I have none because I haven’t been able to find my stupid cane for weeks!”

His sudden outburst was unusual. I couldn’t imagine what had happened to make him behave this way. It was so rare that he would lose his temper with anything, let alone with himself.

“I’m not sure how you expected me to piece together you getting lost with an inability to walk.”

“Do I have to spell everything out for you all the time?” he muttered belligerently.

“Mind your tongue,” I warned. I hadn’t wanted to hit him for quite some time until that moment. Was he trying to piss me off? “Now get out of the water. I’ll help you to bed.”

Astonishingly, he didn’t complain any further. Rather, he allowed me to help him out of his wet jeans and into night pants without saying another word. We remained in a tense silence. He sat back against the headboard with his arms folded as he refused to look at me, while I stood waiting until he at last spoke.

“…That was uncalled for. I’m sorry,” he apologized cordially, masking his emotions carefully thereafter.

“I don’t need an apology; it’s not the first time you’ve shouted at me. But I do want an explanation. So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or not?”

“Not.”

“Do you always have to be such a brat?”

“Do you always have to be such a bastard?”

It took an alarming amount of self-control not to do anything I would regret. “Fine,” I turned to leave.

“Where are you going?” he demanded when I moved away.

“Elsewhere. I don’t have to put up with this.”

“Wait…”

“And why should I?”

“Because I don’t want you to go.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“Please,” it was a spiteful utterance of the word before he gave in; I’m sure it was his pride that was hurt, “…I need you right now. So please, don’t go… I’ll stop…”

That caught me by surprise, and I didn’t know what to say. Perhaps I shouldn’t have obliged him. Regardless, it was difficult to stay mad at him when he looked so exhausted and hurt.

“Don’t make me beg,” he mumbled when I delayed too long.

How could I refuse when he spoke so softly like that? Gradually, I allowed my annoyance to dissolve, so that when he leaned forward to take hold of my shirt and drag me back, I made no move to stop him. I couldn’t say how it happened; something simply gave way. I held his face in my hands, and we sank into the sheets together as I kissed him.

“Closer…” the undertone of need in his voice made me shiver. He was pulchritudinous and had I known I would be so impatient to get his clothes off him, I wouldn’t have bothered helping him redress in the first place.

His hair was still damp. It fell in heavy waves against the pillow, and the way he watched me from under his long lashes stole my breath. I would choke on the words if I were ever to admit it aloud, but he was something I cherished dearly, and I kissed him accordingly.

When he began unbuttoning my shirt this time, I allowed it. His nails lightly scraped my back as he removed it and the desire to force complete surrender from him was overwhelming. It burned the back of my throat. I wanted him to give in, to give me full control of his body and he was.

“Gentle,” he warned between kisses, “Don’t hurt me.”

“Say the words, and I’ll stop…”

“I don’t want you to stop…” he breathed.

Before long the last of our clothes lay discarded on the floor. I held him down with one hand tangled in his hair and the other between his thighs as he squirmed. A muted groan escaped him as his breath caught at the base of his throat, and he pulled me closer. The standoff between us had come to an end, and soon, no space remained between us at all.

Eric balled the sheets in his fists, giving a suppressed whimper as my control wavered. I was trying not to be too forceful with him, but he was testing my restraint. He was perfect under me. Dewy beads of sweat glistened on his skin, and the light flush of color in his cheeks only made him more irresistible.

By the time we were finished, the sheets were torn where he held them, not that I cared; they were replaceable. “Are you okay?” I whispered against his skin.

In response he smiled, chuckling to himself as he nodded, “I’m- yes…” he panted, “…I don’t, remember, saying you could stop kissing me?” he complained breathlessly, and I gladly fulfilled the request.

I was lightheaded, and my chest hurt, but I didn’t mind. I could easily ignore it for him. But he reluctantly pulled away, pushing me back just enough so that he could speak, “…Stop. You need to breathe.”

“I don’t care..- I would rather suffocate… than stop kissing you,” it took more effort to talk than I expected, and his expression faltered somewhere between concern and guilt.

“I won’t allow it,” he grumbled as he pushed my face away from his, and I chuckled. Was he genuinely worried?

“You’re such a brat,” I murmured, and he relaxed as I leaned into his hand.

“Whatever, I’m just pissed I didn’t realize sooner.”

“Realized what?”

“Your problem was me being on top.”

I thought about it for a moment, “Was that okay?”

He laughed, smiling as he propped himself up to whisper in my ear, “As long as I’m getting what I want, I don’t care. I only wanted to be on top because I like the ride, not because I wanted to be the top.”

“How was I supposed to know what you wanted?”

“I thought you would have guessed by now.”

“You seem to have this problem where you think I can just read your mind.”

“You mean to say you can’t?”

I couldn’t help but smile. He’d obviously been spending too much time with Charles and was starting to pick up his sarcasm, “Sorry to disappoint.”

He exhaled in mild amusement, “Can you shut up and just kiss me again? I think you’ve had time enough to breathe now.”

“No~” I teased, and he snorted.

“That’s ‘unkind’, Nathaniel.”

“Is it?” I taunted, bringing my lips closer to his.

“Very,” he breathed in anticipation.

I smiled, delaying only a moment more before kissing him one final time. After that, I would need to clean up. We needed new sheets, for certain. The maids didn’t need to know what or who I was doing in my spare time.

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