Tayvis State of the Union 2/12/2024 (Patreon)

My fellow Taymericans...........................

To absolutely nobody's surprise, Taylor was indeed on her private jet flying through the air to make it for the Super Bowl yesterday. When she landed, she immediately bootsed and got her outfit on and gathered up Blake Lively, Ashley Avignone (sp??? LMFAOOOO I could look it up...I won't!!), and Ice Spice (who as god is my witness has never seen a football game a day in her life and for that she deserves the world) to go and clap and cheer for Travis and the Chiefs. 

Like I said before, a lot of people hate the Chiefs. A good way to think of it is this interesting thing one of the football men said during the pre-telecast - "they love you when you're winning, but they hate you when you're dominating," which perfectly sums up why so many people are just not feeling the Chiefs lately. It also perfectly sums up why there is an influx of anti-Taylor sentiment across social media lately. Taylor is not just winning. She is dominating everything in her path, similar to how the Chiefs have been playing (I say as though I've watched more than 3 total of their games this year. I'm cosplaying as a football girlie...) 

Going into the game, the Chiefs were more favored to win by statistics and odds, but the 49ers were more favored to win by public sentiment - to put it simply, everyone LIKES the 49ers and Brock Purdy (who is sauuurrrrr hot and sexy but is unfortunately weirdly religious so that's over) better than they LIKE the Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes. What's funny is, once upon a time, Patrick Mahomes was the new, young rookie quarterback that everyone wanted to win and oh my goddd I cannot believeee I'm sitting hereeee typingg thisss outtttttttttttttt IT'S JUST NECESSARY FOR THE BACKSTORY SO WE CAN GET TO THE TAYVISING - MY POINT IS...........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEOPLE DID NOT WANT THE CHIEFS TO WIN!! (Incidentally, my dad did, but my dad is kind of a rogue agent.) 

When someone is winning and winning consistently, people start to turn on them. Such is life. It's worth it to note as well, it's not normal to be in the Super Bowl three times in a row. It's also worth it to note that the last team and quarterback who managed to win back to back Super Bowls was Tom Brady and the Patriots 20 years ago - even Americans who don't know that much about football are well aware of the fact that Tom Brady is one of the greatest athletes who ever played American football. It is not easy to match a record he set. I say all this because it's relevant, because IT MATTERS, for everyone to understand just how DEEPLY CURSED and BEWITCHED it is that they ACTUALLY WON LAST NIGHT.....THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE WON...We could get into how good Mahomes is or how they just played better or how the overtime came through to absolutely SCREW the 49ers in the end because the Chiefs had planned for OT and the 49ers did not....but I fear none of that ultimately matters....

When the 49ers were playing particularly well in the first half of the game and the Chiefs hadn't even gotten onto the board yet, it was going precisely as I imagined it would. Sure, I joked and kidded and laughed about Tayvoodoo and how the game had already been won by the Chiefs because of the mystical power behind the number 13, but, like, Tayvoodoo is a joke. We laugh, we clap, we cheer....even when I do truly believe in it, I usually only think Tayvoodoo has any power over Taylor's true nemeses, in a karmic sort of way. Tayvoodoo usually operates under the guidance of VENGENCE. Kanye, Katy, Scooter....these are all people who were got by Tayvoodoo's guard dog named KARMA. 

And what the hell did Brock Purdy ever do to Taylor Swift to earn the ire of Taylor's Karma?  

But we forgot one CRUCIAL thing that was told to us that day in November when Travis flew out to see Taylor perform....Karma Is The Guy On The Chiefs. She told us. Karma. Is. The guy. On. The Chiefs...I fear we should've known better...

Make no mistake, the first half of the game was a fucking mess for the Chiefs, for those of you who don't know enough or weren't watching. It was flop city. They didn't put Travis in and Travis went bonkers on Andy Reid about it. They kept getting flags and penalties and dropping the ball literally. I sat there and felt like perhaps the curse of Tayvoodoo could not be invoked in the name of football. Not a big deal....I secretly wouldn't have minded if the 49ers won because Brock Purdy is hot and sexy and also it would've made for a good story, because he was last in the draft pick and then he went on to win the Super Bowl. I have to watch the Super Bowl every year whether Taylor's boyfriend is in it or not, and that's usually how I pick who I root for : THE UNDERDOG! 

Then the voodoo started striking.................................I've never seen it so plainly like this......I'm actually surprised that the cameras didn't pick up on the dark magic swirling around down there on the field. Explain to me why like, I'm not even kidding, FOUR 49ers were legitimately wheeled off the field by medics (to be fair, men are being wheeled out of football games by medics lowkey constantly and it's an indictment of how stupidly dangerous the sport is in general, but let's just ignore that for now). Explain to me how it's possible that the score going into halftime was 49ers 10 and Chiefs 3 (...which is 13.) Explain to me how, when the game finally started to turn, the score on the board was 49ers 10 and Chiefs 13. Explain that to me. That was the moment I knew. I'm not even kidding. The Chiefs score hit 13 and I turned to Mason and said : "it's happening. Voodoo." He thought I was kidding. I WISH I WERE..........................................

There is no earthly reason why the Chiefs won that game. Sure they're really good and etc etc blah blah blah who cares, but this win came from a darker place than talent. 

Super Bowl 58 : 5+8 = 13

February 11th 2/11 : 2+11 = 13 

49ers : 9 + 4 = 13 

The Super Bowl was Taylor's THIRTEENTH game that she attended

The score at halftime : 10 + 3 = 13 

The number of times the Chiefs won in 2023 with Travis Kelce on : 13 

The number of plays before the winning play : 13 

The yard-line they were at when the winning touchdown occurred : 13th. 

You actually like cannnottttt look at that and not get creeped out. Not to even mention this is all occurring the week after Taylor won her 13th Grammy. That's dark soothsayer shit...that's some necromancy shit....there's something evil and otherworldly occurring here and it's hard for me to not actually take it seriously like I'm not kidding around. I don't think Tayvoodoo is a joke anymore. It's scary and we should all be scared of it......we could even simplify it and say Taylor has accrued positive karma, and quite a bit of it, and is now reaping the rewards of treating people well for years. It seems unfathomable for the explanation to just be luck, considering the kind of year she's had before any of this happened. The eras tour, and album of the year, and the sales numbers of Midnights, AND winning the Super Bowl???????????????????????????????????????????????????? NOBODY HAS A YEAR LIKE THAT UNLESS THERE'S DARK MAGIC INVOLVED.......................................

And maybe there IS dark magic and there'll be a Fall of the House of Swift moment in twenty years....maybe so....maybe so...but I'm on the ride girlies...I am on the ride VERY deeply....if I were someone who hated Taylor, right about now I'd be hanging myself, because there's no way out of her Queendom. It's just total media massacre at all times, total chart destruction constantly, her face on every magazine, her songs on every station, her eyes watching us all like the eye of Mordor............LUCKILY I''M A SWIFTIE AND I SAY IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAYYYY YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If she really IS the all seeing eye of Sauron well then I'm a fucking orc baby....I'm an orc!!!!!!! I serve the QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 

Which isn't even to get into all the shit that's occurring in TAYVIS NATION. I regret to inform you all, but there is not a single soul alive who is being normal about this, love it or hate it. SwiftlyNeutral is already churning and cooking and coming up with reasons we all need to put Travis behind bars. The Gaylors are desperately trying to figure out how a lesbian woman can stand to suck face with a bearded 6'5" lumberjack over and over and over again on national television. Football fans who hate the Chiefs are plotting their downfall and doing black magic in their own homes to try and take them down, buying Taylor vinyl from Target just to smash them apart in the parking lot. The haters never stop cooking. It must be exhausting.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have the Swiftie Mental Illness club. Preferable, yes. But no less deranged....................there is, actually, a normal and sane response for swifties to have to Tayvis. It's hard to fathom for many, but it exists. A normal response is going wow, how cute is that? Clap clap clap. It's nice to see Taylor happy and with someone who is proud to be seen with her. It's so much fun to get Taylor content, it's cool to see new Taylor pictures all the time, it's fun she has a boyfriend who's on her level! NORMAL. NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the average swiftie response often reads like the testimonials of the girls who claim they saw Goody Proctor with the Devil in 1691 - speaking in tongues, writhing around on the floor, spewing out hexes in Joe Alwyn's direction, etc etc. I've tried to come up with reasons for why this particular relationship has absolutely abducted public consciousness more than any other celeb relationship in my memory, and why it is eliciting this level of response from even some of our most SENIOR members of Taymerica, myself included. The last time I felt this strongly about one of Taylor's relationships, it was 2009 and she was dating Taylor Lautner, a huge deal to me, because I was a TWIHARD. 

HOW on fucking earth is "TAYVIS" making me more psychotic than I was at age 16 when my favorite singer and an actor from my favorite movie series started dating? HOW??? HOW?!?!?! IT'S OUT OF MY HANDDSSS I CAN'T CONTROLLL ITT I SAW GOODY PROCTOR WITH THE FUCKING DEVVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

And here, below, I have tried to finally explain it. Attempted. 

1.) Taylor Is Very Famous. Well, we knew that!!!!! We knew that. But as a veteran Swiftie it's my job to inform you all that this is not Normal Famous. Taylor has been very very famous before. In 1989 I was scared of how famous she was, but it does not even hold a candle to THIS. This is Deranged Level Famous. This is, there is not a soul alive on this earth maybe even including the sequestered tribes in the Amazon that do not know who she is. And know A LOT about her. It's one thing to be able to recognize her face and know what she does and who she is : it is another to know what her new record is called, who she's dating, who her irrelevant ex-boyfriend is, that she briefly hooked up with Matty Healy, and on and on. People know too much about her. They know too much. Too many people know too much and it is causing an effect in public consciousness I have never seen before in all my days. Taylor and Travis are like the 2024 version of Michael Jackson putting his baby over the balcony railing. I don't know how else to put it.

2.) She's Not Just Famous, She Is Beloved. It may sound weird, especially if you're terminally online and have to see bad takes all the time....but most people Like Taylor. Like, most people IN THE WORLD like her. It can be hard to believe when you log on and see a hate tweet about her has idk 20k likes or something, but 20k is a drop in the fucking ocean. Taylor has one of the biggest and most devoted fanbases in the world. They are literally everywhere. There is not a room you can walk into where you won't find at least one Swiftie, and not just a casual listener - a SWIFTIE. The number of people who are diehard, know every single piece of her history, know every song, fought in the trenches for Eras tickets SWIFTIES.....is STAGGERING. IT'S NOT NORMAL. The "casual fan" thing is shrinking, and shrinking, and shrinking. You can't claim to be a swiftie and not know the words to Stay Beautiful anymore. YOU CAN'T. 

3.) She Has Lore. This is perhaps the most important piece of the puzzle....the lore is making everyone cuckoo. The lore includes song after song of Taylor detailing EXACTLY how she would like to be treated and how she imagines love to be like. THE LORE includes the fact that everyone has FAILED!!!!!!!1 They've all failed. Every man has failed. It puts an enormous pressure on the next dude to not act like the last one and all eyes are on him and them and every move they make to analyze it and make sure he's behaving appropriately and, specifically, that he is NOT behaving like "the others" who inspired all those breakup songs. Taylor is someone who clearly believes in finding "the one" and is very interested in the idea of lasting romance, love, a partner, companionship, and she has detailed this over a 20 year career. As a result, people have started treating Taylor like she is on a quest, and every guy she dates is the possible One. This ties into a bit of the general dehumanization of Taylor, even if people don't realize it and aren't trying to be harmful : Taylor is not on a quest. She is not a playable character in a video game. She is a real person who is just doing real person things, and yes, that includes writing songs about her life, but that's where it stops. But to a lot of people, she is their doll, and they treat her records and her life story and her "lore" like it's the backstory of a Barbie they bought that they can use to fit their narrative. She needs to date the "right" guy, and for various reasons, Travis has become the "right" guy in her story. And this is the other piece of it : 

4.) Travis Is So Opposite to Joe Alwyn He May As Well Be Wario. Literally. If Joe is Mario, Travis is Wario. If Joe is down, Travis is up. Joe was an artistic type (not unlike the other guys Taylor has dated) who we have next to no information about, but that we have all collectively decided was pretentious, a snob, looked down on her craft and specifically her pop music, couldn't be fucked to look like he was having fun at the ONE Rep tour show he attended, never looked happy to be seen with her, refused to answer any questions about her in the press, and on and on. By contrast, Travis will sit up there and answer question after question about her, is more than happy to be seen with her, kisses her in public, goes to her shows MULTIPLE!!!! TIMES!!! and looks happy to be there. Even if I gave Joe the bone and said well he's introverted, he doesn't want attention etc etc.....how hard is it to fucking smile at your girlfriend's show? Imagine your boyfriend came to your, like, piano recital and stood there looking miserable. Come on. LMFAO. 

5.) Joe Has Become the Scapegoat... for every bad thing that happened between the end of Rep era and the end of their relationship. Joe is literally a Batman villain, now. We can't prove he ever actually did anything beyond just kinda be a shitty boyfriend, but it does not matter. He is the reason for Lover's commercial failure (by her standards lmfaooo and her standards only, because by anyone else's, it actually performed very well), and that instantly puts him in line for hanging. He is the reason we barely got to see her for years on end. He is the hidden muse behind Folkevermore's saddest songs. We can prove none of this....but he's an easy target since he's too "PRIVATE" to ever get on the microphone and correct us. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Having someone to hate (Joe) and someone to compare him to that we actually like (Travis) dials everything up to a hundred. By comparison alone, Travis seems like the perfect boyfriend who ever boyfriended, even if Travis's ex-girlfriends know that not to be the case (no shade to him whatsoever, I'm just pointing out he's flawed and human like everybody lmfao). It does not matter. Joe Alwyn is such a turkey to the fanbase at large, that we don't give a fuck. Travis is Batman and Joe is the Penguin. 

6.) Old School Benevolent Sexism is Back in Vogue. This might sound strange, but traditional gender norms suddenly coming back into fashion thanks in large part to the idiotic "tradwife" trend on Tik Tok and a million other cultural things we don't have time to get into, helps A LOT in making Travis and Taylor be the number one couple of all time in the eyes of the American public. This is the darkside of Tayvis that most swifties don't even think about and shouldn't have to because they're just trying to have fun and be girlies - the ultra femme pop star and the hypermasculine football star going at it is catnip to traditionalists. It's neither of their faults. But you can even see it in the way some people talk about them : "oh my god he held the door for her, oh my god he gave her his jacket, oh my god he's behaving EXACTLY how the perfect male ideal is supposed to behave and SHE is behaving EXACTLY how the perfect female ideal is supposed to behave." It's weird....if you look too closely at it. Again, through no fault of their own - they can't help the fact that people are taking this and running with it in that direction. But it is CERTAINLY helping them be America's It Couple in this particular time in culture. 

7.) Taylor Has Never Dated Anyone Like Him Before. Now this is just teas.....After the, what, seventh?? Eighth??? Time of being completely burned by one of these artsy boys who thinks he's a fucking genius, she said : ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING ME THE HOT IDIOT. And well...WE CHEERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE CHEERRREEDDDDD it's actually so funny to me that people are so baffled by the fact that Taylor is dating him when he's so different from her exes. That's the POINT. THAT'S THE POINT. She was CRAVING a man who has no fucking clue who Martin Scorsese is. Travis is like : is he the guy that painted the Sistine Chapel? Taylor : yup!!! 

8.) There's also a pretty good case to be made that everyone is completely disillusioned by the state of the world, and politics, and the past 4 years of being alive in general, that they're like okay sure, let me hyperfixate on a celeb couple more than I've ever cared about anything else in my entire life. Fuck it. Why not!!!! 

All in all, Tayvis is a phenomenon. Lots of people are liable to say lots of things about them in the coming days, good or bad. On the bad side, you'll have people saying that Taylor and Travis are idk alien operatives from the planet Zuul who have come down to distract us as an alien race comes down and depletes what's left of the earth's natural resources. On the good side, you'll have people saying that Taylor and Travis were predestined to be together like it was written on an ancient tablet in the time of Moses. It is, after all, pretty creepy how both of them made historic wins in a single week. 

It's giving : Lizard Super Race That Controls Everything In Culture and Politics. It really is giving that. You have to prepare for people to say that shit. You also have to prepare for swifties being weird and obnoxious and invasive. They've been doing that since Joe Jonas. You kinda have to rock with it, or at the very least, ignore it and laugh. But above all...you just need to buckle in the for the ride. That is what I'm taking away from it all. The win, the grammys, the Super Bowl, the album....IT'S ALL HAPPENING....

We are currently living in historic times of Swiftieism. There's bad and good with it all, and it's a lot of shit to take in day after day, and the overstimulation sometimes get to be a bit too much (for example, last night after the game I had to build a sim house for two hours to calm down enough so that I could fall asleep. Because of Tayvis. I'm not too big to admit it.) 

Coming into the Tortured Poets Department era is going to be unlike any other experience we have ever had. It's incomparable - her fame, her relationship, her career, her success, ALL OF IT is unprecedented, not just in Swiftieism, but in the WORLD. IN HISTORY. We are entering unchartered territory, men....we are riding our horses out into the dark night of uncertainty...people are going to say things you never even thought the human mind could come up with. The Swiftie hivemind is such that you can't even say a single word about her without it being pounced on and picked apart by the rabid dogs of the internet. BUT WE MARCH. WE YELL. WE ARE TAYMERICA....WE ARE FREE!!! 

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!