Earth Fathers are Weird, chapter 4 (Patreon)

Max stood beside the low table and wondered what he was supposed to do now. For all the earlier rush, Rick didn’t seem interested in hurrying now. He went to one wall and spent significant time sticking his tentacles in various holes and grooves. “My mother always told me I shouldn’t stick a finger in a light socket,” Max said. “But then Wile E Coyote taught me the exact opposite, so who am I to judge?” Rick ignored him. 

Max wondered if Rick was watching him. The fact he had eyes all the way around his head ranked high on the freaky scale. And given that Max had spent the last several days living on an alien ship, that was saying something. His freak meter had reached terrifying new levels. A hologram rose in the middle of the table—a tiny figure that looked like a cross between a human and a dwarf. The hologram got larger and shifted to display a vascular system. “Query,” Rick said.

Max sighed. He actually preferred it when Rick lost patience and dragged him across the ship. At least then Max wasn’t risking death by boredom or frustration. “I’m going to get really sick of hearing that word, aren’t I?”

Two tentacles twitched. “Query.”

Max sighed. “Blood. Vascular system.” And that started the most boring four hours of Max’s life since he’d had to take state testing in high school. He identified hundreds of words for various parts of the human body. When Rick decided he wanted to check the health of his new nanny, he took that job seriously. Eventually the digestive system led to discussions of intestine.

Rick zoomed in to show the wall of the intestines, and as tiny sliver grew to fill the whole hologram, Max could see candy shaped structures, some of which were slowly moving. “Ew.” He had been half lying on the desk, but now he took a step back.

“Query.”

“Yeah, yeah. Either I’ve picked up alien parasites or those are bacteria.”

Two of Rick’s tentacles rose shook. “Query!” he said louder. Apparently he didn’t like ambiguous answers.

His temper fraying, Max shouted back, “Bacteria!”

Instead of moving on, Rick ran the scan down the intestines, the camera view turning and twisting to show different segments. “Query bacteria.”

“Answer. Digestive system,” Max said. He had no idea how to reassure Rick that bacteria were normal. Hell, maybe Rick thought the bacteria was the intelligent life form he’d hired and Max was the meat suit it was wearing. Max got up close and personal view of his colon all the way to the end before Rick moved on to the reproductive system.

At least then he didn’t obsess over it as much as the bacteria, although Max did spend too much time looking at his own sperm. He was grateful when Rick moved the scan down to his feet. “Check health,” Rick said.

“Yeah. I thought that’s what we were doing.”

Rick slid a few inches closer. “Health offspring.” One of his thinner tentacles darted out and ran up the cuff of Max’s uniform shirt.

Max jerked his hand away. “Whoa. Hey. Bad touching.”

Rick blasted the air with his weird musical belching and caught Max’s shirt. Before Max could free himself from the tiny finger tentacles holding him, another tentacle had pulled his shirt off. Max wasn’t even sure how Rick had managed all the buttons, but those damn tentacles were fast. Despite the fact that Rick appeared rather insubstantial with his single tentacle leg, the asshole also had some real muscle because he lifted Max onto the table.

“Rude much?” Max asked, but then one tentacle pressed a flat instrument of some sort against Max’s cheek while another pulled at his undershirt. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t rip it. It’s not like I have anything else to change into. As it was, Max was going to need to figure out washing facilities. On the military ship, those had been marked, so Max only had to look for the symbol that looked like a worm with three horns. So far, none of Rick’s doors had any signs. He stripped off his undershirt and put it next to his uniform shirt on the edge of the table. At least Rick had been polite enough to keep it off the floor. The whole time, Rick kept the cool metal instrument against his cheek.

“Query.” Rick followed that with another blast of words, these closer to whale song than burping.

“Yeah, I didn’t get any of that,” Max said, but then a tentacle reached for his waistband. “Okay, so we’re going for the full physical. I would normally ask that a nurse sit in for this part.” He slid off the table/desk and unbuttoned his pants. When Rick had first started asking about health, Max had expected the full monty. The existence of the magical scanners had just given him a glimmer of hope that he could avoid it. “I suppose I can’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to give your kids smallpox or something.” He folded the pants and underwear and put them with his shirt. “I don’t know whether your nudity makes this better or worse.”

“Translation matrix failure.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Max got back up on the table, his bare ass right over where the hologram appeared. He felt like a kid trying to photocopy his ass. Rick pressed the flat metal against Max’s thigh.

“Health offspring digestive system.”

Max frowned. “I don’t think my gut bacteria is going to hurt your kids.” Max frowned. He didn’t actually know if that was true. Neither college or pilot’s school had ever covered cross-species contamination with aliens. No doubt they would add that to the curriculum. After all, logistics officers on ships got extensive education on the dangerous of pollution and contamination. Thinking of home caused an all-too-familiar jolt in Max’s gut, so he pushed those memories away. He couldn’t afford to get maudlin, especially when he had so damn many reasons for being miserable. It was one thing to sit around with a beer and good-naturedly gripe to his friends about the promotions board being full of shitheads. It was quite another to let himself dwell on the fact that life actually had kicked him in the teeth and he had every reason to sink into the world’s deepest depression.

“Do you ever wear clothes?” Max asked his many-tentacled boss. “I mean, the guys on the other ship had wide belts or skirts and one even had tentacle pants, but you’re just letting it all hang out. Or it would hang out if I knew what your alls looked like.” Max frowned as he considered the various tentacles. They were different shapes, some bulbous and some straight. One of them might be Rick’s penis, assuming he had one. Rick might be a girl. Maybe caring for children primary fell to the parent who gave birth to them. 

Rick curled a tentacle around Max’s thigh and yanked up fast enough that Max fell back and would have slammed the back of his head against the table if another tentacle hadn’t caught him. “Warn a guy!” Max shouted. 

Rick blasted out something, but the translator only caught “acceptable,” “offspring,” and “health.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sadly, you still have a better bedside manner than my Air Force intake doctor.” Max kept up a steady stream of conversation and avoided thinking about the tentacles mapping his skin. “I don’t know whether he wanted to weed out the weak or if he took exception to me because I’m gay. Who knows. It’s hard to tell who dislikes me and who dislikes my sexual orientation, which is why I try to avoid those conversations. You’re a pretty good listener, did you know that?”

A tentacle brushed against Max’s cock. “Whoa. That is a little personal.”

Despite the fact that Rick had ignored Max’s whole monologue, this caught his attention. He said, “Query. Define personal.”

“You are touching parts of me that even the military didn’t touch. And I thought their physicals were pretty invasive.” Max drew out the word pretty.

“Query. Pretty.” The translator mimicked Max’s pronunciation.

Max gave a bray-laugh. “I’m pretty sure you want invasive.” A tentacle slid between his balls and slid down over his hole. Max yelped and scooted back a few inches, which is how much slack he had before the tentacles drew tight. “Whoa. That. That’s invasive.” His voice was dangerously high.  “That right there is invasive.”

Rick stopped. A couple of tentacles pulsed against Max’s leg, but everything else grew still. “Query. Compensation. Offspring.”

Max drew a breath. Right. If he wanted compensation, Rick needed to check out those scary, scary bacteria. One little anal probe by an alien tentacle was absolutely not more terrifying that flying a jet fighter against something that few twice as fast and maneuvered three times better. Hell, it wasn’t even as scary as his ROTC commander. One a bad day, his dad could trump tentacles for sheer terror, although he absolutely refused to think about family while naked. Nope. Some psychological trauma was not worth it. However, a little tentacle probing was.

“Answer. Compensation,” Max said. One tentacle along his back slowly slid up. Max took a breath and looked away from the bulbous head hovering near his right shoulder. The tip of a tentacle pushed against Max’s ass.

It had been a while since anything had gone up there. Duty kept Max so busy that he barely had time to masturbate in the shower. Hell, he’d gone steady with his right hand so long that it would have gotten jealous if Max had tried playing with a dildo. So the feel of something sliding into him sent unfamiliar shivers through his body.

“Thank God you use slick,” Max said.

“Query—”

“Answer!” Max shouted. He couldn’t deal with Rick’s annoyingness and his tentacles at the same time. Rick made a sound like a long trombone note and then pushed his tentacle in faster.

“Oh fuck!” Max gasped, and technically he wasn’t wrong. That definitely felt like fucking. Too much like fucking. Max’s cock perked up and took notice. The porn that Max had read and vowed to never admit to reading had underplayed the sexual prowess of tentacles. Even though Max knew Rick was only interested in checking out gut bacteria, the undulating movements against Max’s prostate was driving him past the point of coherent thought. Rick made a fluttering trumpet noise the translator didn’t catch at all. Hell, maybe he wasn’t saying anything at all but was expressing surprise that his new nanny was a fucking tentacle whore.

Max took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing heart. That didn’t help his cock situation, but even the thought of old man Wilson with this nose hairs and black acne couldn’t counteract the evil brilliance of Rick’s tentacle. The damn thing seemed to swell and bulge, and the delicious stretch made Max’s ass hunger for more.

“Query. Blood flow increase.”

“Oh hell yes.” Max gripped the edges of his table and fought an urge to jerk off. He was pretty sure that ejaculating on your boss was bad manners in any galaxy, but if Rick didn’t finish soon, that’s exactly what was going to happen.

“Query. Blood flow changes.”

That’s it. Rick was in hell. He was getting the best ass stretch of his life. His ass was full of twitching, swelling tentacle until his brains were leaking, and the damn fucking alien wanted to have a fucking conversation. This was hell. And if Max didn’t come soon, his dick was going to explode, and that would be the prefect shit cherry on this sundae.

“Query. Blood flow changes,” Rick repeated. He also twitched his tentacle. Max’s cock leaked pre-cum.

“Answer. Reproductive system.” Max held on to the table harder when Rick tugged his tentacle. Whatever he was doing up Max’s butt, his tentacle appeared to have gotten stuck, so he gave several tugs. Each time, the pressure increased against Max’s prostate.

Never one to pass up a chance to be annoying, Rick said, “Query. Blood flow changes.”

Max gasped, not able to answer immediately as his brain suffered a small white-out. His ass was stuffed so full that he feared he might split in half. Of course if that happened, he was going to die a very happy man. Rick gave another tug, and the pressure edged over into pain. It was enough o anchor Max to reality for a moment. “Answer. You are turning on my reproductive system.”

Rick grew still. Eventually he asked, “Query. Human offspring. Now. Soon.”

Max laughed. “No offspring. I need woman with different reproductive system to make offspring. And no offense to the women in my life because I love many of them deeply, but I would cut off my dick before I would put it in a woman.” He respected bisexual men, but he was not anywhere near the middle of the scale. If he wanted kids, and he did one day, he would have to find a nice man to settle down with and look into adoption. As hard as it was for a gay couple to get a kid, the system was impossible for a single man.

“Query. Woman.”

“Man reproductive system plus woman reproductive system leads to offspring,” Max said. “How is this my life now? I feel like I’m trapped in a space ship with a three year old… oooha.” Max’s voice rose to a squeal as Rick’s tentacle caused a stomach cramp so severe that Max’s stomach rippled and contracted. “Fuck. Shit. Fucking shit.” Max writhed in pain. “Oh Lord. Too much. Too much.”

“Within tolerance health,” Rick said calmly but tentacles began to massage Max’s stomach. Those little tentacles on the underside of the big tentacle all worked together to press at the offending muscles until the cramp eased. Unfortunately, Rick seemed to feel that Max’s cock was part of his stomach and involved in the whole cramping problem. A tentacle wrapped around Max’s dick, teasing him with tiny finger tentacles. When Rick squeezed gently, Max bucked up into him. And wasn’t that just embarrassing. Max would have stopped if his body hadn’t hijacked all higher brain function.

He thrust into Rick’s grip, and the friction against his cock combined with the stretch in his ass generated fireworks. Max’s whole body went stiff and then jerked twice before he came all over himself and Rick. Creamy flecks landed everywhere... Max’s stomach, Rick’s tentacles, the table. Max collapsed back and gasped. Option one, he was having a heart attack. Option two, it had been too damn long since his last orgasm. Option three, when shoving things up the ass for fun and pleasure, tentacles worked better than dicks. Max was leaning toward three, although two was also true, and one was a distinct possibility.

Rick’s tentacles were now painfully large, but even he had clearly figured out that he had pushed too far because he was slowly pulling his tentacles back. No more of the hard tugging or undulating, just a slow, steady withdrawal. So the guy did know how to be careful.

“Query. Health. Human.”

“Oh, I’m fucking great,” Max said. “Thank you for asking. You’re much more polite than the typical tentacle monster, although honestly I don’t have much experience of the non-fictional kind.” Max knew Rick couldn’t understand more than a word or two of that, but he didn’t much care. He didn’t care about much right now. 

“Query. Health.” Rick moved closer so his misshapen head floated over Max.

Max blinked up at his alien employer. “Answer. Health great. Good. Awesome. Fabulous.”

Two tentacles curled up close to the head while the last of the tentacle inside Max slipped free. “Query.” Rick blasted the air, but he touched a milky white drop.

“Answer. Cum. Semen. Sperm. Reproductive fluids. Dick juice. Pearls. I had a boyfriend who called it that last one, and honestly, I don’t get it. It’s not a solid, and if my semen were made out of pearls, I’m pretty sure it would hurt. Maybe he was trying to tell me he was interested in sounding, but if so, he was way too subtle about it.” That had been Max’s second real boyfriend, and the first one he’d been willing to touch when the lights were on. Sure, his family and friends were supportive, but Max had still been a little weirded out about touching another guy where someone could see, even if Max was the someone in question.

He assumed heteros could be just as weird given the sort of shit they talked about on daytime television. One woman was in danger of a divorce because she wouldn’t let her husband see her without makeup. Max wasn’t that bad. Hell, he didn’t even own makeup. At least he hadn’t since his brief goth phase his sophomore year.

“Query. Health,” Rick said.

Max levered himself up and sat on the edge of the table. He was pretty sure he was worrying the boss. “Query. Offspring,” Max said. A little change of subject sounded like a good idea.

“Offspring. Health. Proficient.” With that, Rick swiveled on his leg and undulated his way out of the examination room.

“You didn’t even buy me flowers,” Max complained softly. Honestly, though, he was grateful that he wasn’t going to lose the job because his gut bacteria was toxic. Losing this job would suck. Accidentally killing alien children would suck worse.