Earth Fathers are Weird, chapter 10 (Patreon)

Max groaned as Rick helped him up onto the table. “On your stomach will make exit easier for offspring to exit.”

“I really don’t think I should lie on my stomach,” Max said, but he didn’t make any other protest as Rick encouraged him to roll over. Much to his surprise, the cramps didn’t get worse as he settled on his stomach. “Query. Is it supposed to hurt this much?”

“No.” Rick hurried to the cabinet and pulled out several instruments. They were quickly leaving the land of kinky porn and approaching horror flicks. “Offspring may be struggling to get free. Human intestines are very circuitous,” Rick explained. 

Circuitous. That was, not a term that Max would've ever chosen, but it didn't communicate a rather clear and terrifying reality. “Clarify. By struggling, are you suggesting that your offspring is about to rip my intestine?” Max held his breath.

“Negative. Offspring do not damage the carrier,” Rick said immediately. Maybe Max was imagining it, but he almost sounded offended. “They may sometimes hurt the carrier,” Rick then admitted. “I can ease the way for the offspring to minimize pain.”

Max pressed his forehead to the table and clutched the edge as pain rolled through him. “Minimize pain. That would be awesome. Do that.”

Tentacles pulled Max’s legs apart, but he didn’t care. Shame and titillation both vanished under the need to focus through the pain. Max panted as the tentacle slid inside. “I shall attempt to avoid activating reproductive system,” Rick said.

Max gave a rough bark of laughter. “Oh trust me, there is zero chance of my reproductive system getting activated.”

Rick paused, and Max arched his back as Kohei made his presence known again. If he kept this up, Max was taking the snot nosed bastard off the Christmas card list. Rick’s tentacle started to slide inside again, stretching Max’s hole. This time the uncomfortable feeling was nothing more than a welcome distraction. Rick said, “Clarify. I believed I had triggered reproduction when I implanted offspring.”

“You did, but touch alone does not activate the reproductive system,” Max said through clenched teeth. Part of him wanted to tell Rick to shut the fuck up, but another part wanted any distraction from the pain in his body, and awkward conversation qualified as something. “When I'm in this much pain, I have no interest in any sort of reproductive entertainment.”

“Human biology is confusing.”

“You are the species that puts offspring in other species, so I don't think you get to call me strange.”

“Species of mine is strange as well.” Rick made an odd huffing noise. “We do not gain approval from others.”

Max was proud of himself for not pointing out that there was a certain subset of humanity that would be very approving of Rick's whole reproductive scheme. Hell, he'd seen one or two sex toys designed to emulate it. “Just get in there and help the offspring out.”

“I shall.” Rick had a strangely formal cadence to his voice, even in his weird belchy voice. “Try and relax.” Rick devoted a couple of tentacles to rub Max’s lower back.

“That's try to relax, and that's not easy when baby octopus are trying to do gymnastics routines in my large intestine.”

Rick continued the tentacle massage. “The computer suggests that you use the additive conjunction and more often than the directional preposition to after the word try.”

Max narrowed his eyes. “Are you giving me shit about my English? Seriously?”

“I am most often serious.”

Laughter burst out so unexpectedly that Max snorted. He hadn’t pulled that sort of dork move since middle school, but luckily aliens didn’t recognize goofy laughter. The largest cramp yet hit, and Max arched his back and bit back a scream as the skin over his side rippled. Someone’s tentacle hit a sensitive spot. “Oh God. Oh God. I think I'm about to have an accident on the floor.”

Rick’s tentacles tightened around his waist. “I shall not allow you to fall.” It took Max several seconds to realize that Rick had misunderstood.

“Clarify. In this context, accident means something gross.” Max was grateful he had already defined that word.

“If bodily fluids appear, it is an involuntary reaction and not an accident as you have defined it, unless humans have more control over bodily fluids than other species.”

“Clearly not because I'm about to poop on you.”

Rick’s calm, “That is highly unlikely,” was oddly comforting. However, Max had suffered some pretty gnarly diarrhea lately, so he considered it a little more likely than not. 

A cramp rippled through his stomach and he cried out as something wet flowed down the back of his legs. “Oh, shit.”

“It is not shit. It is nutrient fluid absorbed from the swimming.”

Max struggled to look over his shoulder. “I absorbed the pool water?” Rick had a tentacle all the way up Max’s ass, and if it weren’t for the horrific pain, Max would have considered the image some nice wank material, right up there with Sherlock and John getting themselves handcuffed together before going on the run from the law.

“Clarification. The offspring absorbed fluid and created a nutrient pouch. But the birthing membrane has ruptured and the offspring must come out.”

Max mentally translated that to his water had broken. Then he arched his back as another series of cramps seized his body so strongly that he couldn't speak. One of Rick's tentacles slid across his face, cooling him.

“They better come out soon.”

“They will can. I regret the pain my offspring cause.” Rick hesitated. “I regret the pain I caused in overfeeding my offspring.”

“As long as everyone separated without anyone being physically torn in half, we can call it good. Now please help them out.”

Rick went to the wall, his tentacle slipping almost all the way out of Max’s body. Despite Max’s earlier comment, his cock did notice that. Luckily another cramp hit before the moronic organ could do something that would eternally humiliate him. The air over Max shimmered before displaying alien text that floated in space. 

Rick returned, and Max gasped as the tentacle pushed back inside. “The largest offspring is nearly out now.”

“Oh shit.” The pressure against Max’s asshole was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Skin stretched and stung and muscles strained until every instinct Max possessed told him to push. But his butt was not a vagina. Max suspected that pushing would do serious damage, so he fought the urge and forced his legs to relax. “Hurry up.”

“The first offspring is bulky.”

“I do realize that.” Max’s voice first rose to an unmanly squeak and then broke. He had to take a deep breath before continuing. “However, I can't control my muscles forever.”

“Query. Clarify control muscles.”

Rick's ass burned like the first time he'd experimented with a butt plug and hadn't realized that if a young idiot left it in and allowed the lube to get absorbed, pulling it back out would become an exercise in masochism. “Clarification. I want to bear down and tighten all the muscles around the obstruction. I’m thinking that’s a human reaction to having something too large pass through. Just clench the muscles and it all gets compacted tighter.” Max had no idea if that was true or not, but it seemed plausible right now because his body was screaming at him to clench and clench hard.

“I shall endeavor to expedite the offspring,” Rick said. He pushed his tentacle in harder, and Max squealed. He was never going to sit straight in a chair again. “Observe. Offspring is nearly past the last bend.” Rick changed the holographic image above Max. It now showed a close up of his intestines, but there was small, round head with huge eyes, undulating its way down the last bit of Max’s large intestine. It had stubby short little tentacles that it was using to essentially crawl forward. Kohei.

“He has your head,” Max said.

“He possesses his own appendages,” Rick responded. 

Max honestly didn't know whether that was a translation failure or Rick sense of humor. Sometimes it was difficult to tell. However, he broke out in near hysterical giggles. He was a fucking officer and fighter pilot, but he couldn’t seem to stop fucking giggling. Kohei looked like a little stuffed toy version of an octopus if the toy manufacturer in question had added too many tentacles, but the sight of that bulbous little creature crawling its way towards freedom gave Max the strength to breathe through the pain and ignore his instincts. 

The scanner caught the edge of another short little and tentacle, and Rick reduced the magnification. Max could see a second offspring, wriggling its way towards freedom much more quickly than his bulbous brother. And then he spotted the third one. It was half the size of the middle sibling, and it appeared to be swimming in the fluid around his brother rather than crawl. That was not good. If it still had the room to swim, it had to be tiny. 

“Query. Can you stop the third offspring?” Max asked.

Rick tentacles curled. “I cannot reach past offspring one to touch offspring three. To save offspring three would require dismembering offspring one.” 

Max closed his eyes and let his head thunk down onto the cold exam table. Rick’s tentacles offered comfort in the form of small strokes and that made Max feel even worse. Rick was probably going to lose one of his children. He shouldn’t have to offer the comfort. 

Max watched the children fighting their way towards freedom. Kohei was wiggling now, clearly desperate to get free, and Max felt the strain in his entire body. If he hadn't been able to see Kohei, he wasn't sure he would have the strength to avoid pushing. The little pipsqueak swam like a jellyfish with all his tentacles flowing out before they all rushed back together again. He wasn't getting anywhere because he simply didn't have the room inside what appeared to be his brothers, birth sac, but he was sure trying. His little legs kicked and kicked and kicked and Max felt sick at his stomach. “Query. Could he survive being born now?”

“Unknown.” For long minutes, Rick said nothing more. Kohei’s first few tentacles reached the exit ramp, and Rick pulled his tentacle out right before Max felt the small slapping movements against his ass. “Survival requires a body large enough to maintain internal warmth and limbs strong enough to maintain movement. Nutrients are absorbed through movement in water,” Rick said.

Max looked at the smallest offspring with those tentacles madly kicking, and he had to hope that offspring three could survive. Suddenly all the pain vanished. Actually the sense of having a butt at all vanished. It was as if half Max’s body disappeared.

“Offspring three has ejected the….” And Rick’s sentence ended with a serious of ear-splitting shrieks. 

“Translation matrix failure,” Max said.

Rick’s tentacles uncorkscrewed a little. “Offspring eject hormone to relax host muscles. You may be gross after offspring appear, but birth will move quickly now.” 

“Wait, what?” Max propped himself up on one elbow. His body was still there. Thank God. But Max couldn’t feel anything as a mini-Rick slightly smaller than a football slipped free of his body. The stubby tentacles waved in the air and curled madly, but it was silent. 

“Query. Is offspring healthy?” Max asked, slurring the words. His elbow slipped and he would have faceplanted onto the table, but Rick’s tentacles caught him and eased him down.

“Offspring one is healthy.”

“Cute,” Max mumbled. It was. The eyes were huge, and sure there were a few too many, but that couldn’t counteract frilly mantle that wrapped around the bottom of his head or the stubby tentacles or the oversized head with large eyes. It was absolutely adorable.

“Earth people are weird,” Rick said, but then the world started fading away. Max dimly realized that word the translator had missed was some sort of general anesthesia. Max fell asleep as Rick was telling him something about offspring two.

Chapter 11: https://www.patreon.com/posts/efaw-chapter-11-23538325 

Chapter 12: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-12-23553922 

Chapter 13: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-13-23591315 

Chapter 14: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-14-23693389 

Chapter 15: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-15-23715331 

Chapter 16: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-16-23798161 

Chapter 17: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-17-23902574 

Chapter 18: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-father-18-23938595 

Chapter 19: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-19-23961630 

Chapter 20: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-20-24034384 

Chapter 21:  https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-21-24119410 

Chapter 22: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-22-24165545 

Chapter 23: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-23-24253737 

Epilogue: https://www.patreon.com/posts/earth-fathers-24266071