Earth Fathers, chapter 21 (Patreon)

I had planned to post this yesterday, but this is the big climax and it took a little longer than I anticipated.

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The judge got up onto his table again, but this time it didn’t rotate. He considered the small group of them. Dee stood slightly to one side, but Kohei was so close that Max could only tell the tentacle tips apart because Kohei’s had far more beige and green and Rick had more red.

“What definition do you give for husbanding?” the judge asked.

Max looked at Rick and smiled. “Mating. Pair bonding. Sharing sameness for the rest of our lives.” Rick’s tentacles shivered. 

“How many individuals are inside husbanding?”

“As the only female here,” Dee said, “I should point out that marriage doesn’t always involve husbands. You’re leaving out wives.”

The judge turned toward her. “Define wife.”

“The female equivalent of husband,” Dee said. “A wife is a female who is in a marriage. A husband is a male who is in a marriage.”

“Define female,” the judge said. Dee opened her mouth, but Max quickly jumped in.

“Careful,” Max warned. “That word will lead you down a rabbit trail, and somewhere along the way, you’re going to decide that you don’t know what female means, and I say this as a male who carried and given birth to three children.”

She grimaced. “Yikes. You have a point.” She turned to the judge. “But I can say that I call myself a female, so I am one. If I join a marriage, then I would be a wife, not a husband.”

The judge tapped something on his wrist translator. “How many individuals are inside marriaging?”

“Two,” Max said. Yeah, there were polygamists, but that was another rabbit trail he was not going down. 

“Define length and termination of marriaging.”

Max wanted to say that marriage was forever, but being in the military meant he had seen entirely too many marriages fail. Trying to maintain a relationship when one partner kept getting deployed wasn’t easy. “Most humans hope that marriage will last forever, but honestly, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people change and after a time, they find that they just don’t fit together anymore. Then they get a divorce.”

The judge tapped on his wrist translator again. “Is fit a reference to tentacles and intestines?” he asked.

Dee snorted.

“No!” Max blurted. Oh god. Obviously the rest of the universe knew how Hidden ones reproduced, but that was not a topic he ever wanted to discuss. Nope. He might enjoy tentacle sex, but he did not enjoy talking about it. “No, it’s more about having compatible goals. Sometimes people decide they want different things.”

“And sometimes,” Dee added, “people live together for their entire lives. They raise children and grandchildren. They love each other until the end of their lives, and when one dies, the other never really recovers and they live a half-life.”

Max looked at Dee.

“My grandparents,” she said.

“My parents have been married for forty years. That will probably be them.” Max focused on the judge again. “That’s the goal of most humans—to have a marriage that will last forever.” Max tightened his hold on Rick’s tentacle. Maybe Rick understood the gesture because he leaned closer and wrapped a tentacle around Max’s arm. God, Max didn’t even know how long Hidden ones lived. He selfishly hoped it was a very long time. He couldn’t bear the pain of losing Rick, not even if that meant Rick had to lose him.

Completely oblivious to the emotional moment, the judge had the gall to continue the official hearing. “The translation matrix translates marriaging to a non-economic term. Clarify the economics of marriaging.”

“What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health,” Max said. “Those are some of the vows we take when we marry.”

More tapping on the translator. Max had the feeling that he was being asked to create a legal definition—one that all humans would have to live up to. These people made judgments—like humans were morons—and then they blithely assumed every conclusion they reached was right. As far as Max was concerned, that made them morons. The judge looked up. “Clarify, time of vows between you and Ugly one.”

“Okay, no,” Max said firmly. “You do not get to insulting him by calling him ugly.”

The judge raised his head up on that awkwardly long neck. “Ugly one is official designation, not insult.”

“Well it’s pretty damn insulting,” Max said.

Rick blurbled a quiet, “Max,” but Max ignored that.

“They are called the Hidden ones. If my people get up here… No, when they get up here because they will work together and get their asses into space now that they know the rest of the universe is flying over their heads. So, when they get here, they might choose to call you Big Nostril aliens or Freaky Lip aliens or even Ugly ones.” The judge’s nostrils all tightened to slits. “But they will at least call you that in private. They won’t walk up to your face and say it.”

“Preach it,” Dee said quietly.

The judge stared at Max for a long time before he looked over to Rick and Kohei who was pressed close to his father’s side. Then he looked back at Max. “Official hearing requires official nomenclature,” the judge said. “I shall designate the Ugly one ‘Rick’ to avoid insulting. Clarify time of vows between you and Rick.”

Since Max was not going to win the fight over what the universe called Rick’s species, he focused on the question. “To have vows, we needed witnesses, so we never officially had vows.”

“Clarify the not using small Ugly on—”

“Ah!” Max held up a finger and spoke loud enough to stop the judge from finishing his thought. “Those are my children. If you call them ugly, I will be unreasonable.”

Rick tightened his hold over Max’s arm. That was a fairly strong suggestion that Max was on the edge of the local version of a contempt of court charge, but he was not going to let this guy insult his kids.

“I am ignorant of the designations for the small—” The judge thrust his lips out without finishing his sentence. Max still knew exactly what he was thinking.

“This is Kohei,” Max said before the judge could say something that Max would not forgive. “Back at the ship, James and Xander are waiting for us to return.”

The judge drew his lips back in. “Clarify the not using Kohei, James and Xander as witnesses for official vows.”

“They were short one judge for a wedding,” Dee said.

The judge turned toward Dee. “Clarify function of judge.”

Max took that one. “A judge is an official of public or government organizations.”

“Or you could have a minister marry you,” Dee added. “But without a judge or a minister, a marriage isn’t legal. And before you ask, a minister is an official of the church, which is a system of beliefs.”

The judge looked from Max to Dee and back again. Slowly, he leaned back on his table. “Clarify. Humans have officials of beliefs. Affirmative or negative?”

Since the judge was looking at Max, he answered. “We do. I mean, humans in general do. My family isn’t terribly religious, but religion is pretty common.” Max closed his mouth when the judge’s head started to tilt. He had no idea what that gesture meant, but he knew that people took religion seriously, and the judge’s whole species once believed they were chosen by God. So silence was probably the best strategy here.

“Designated Rick, do you recognize the validity of Unbalanced one’s marriage?”

Max blinked. Unbalanced? Max seriously hoped they were talking about human walking and not psychology. He also suspected that hope was in vain. Rick had warned him that he was making himself look like a psycho. 

“I do,” Rick said. “I am husband to Max and he is husband to me.”

“Husbanding can be terminated. Then Rick has circumscribed laws regulating sale of—” The judge stopped and looked at Max. No doubt he was wondering how unbalanced Max might get if he said ugly again. If these guys ever picked up American television broadcasts and saw old episodes of Dexter or pretty much any true crime documentary, they were going to shoot down human ships the second they appeared in the more populated parts of space.

“I would not terminate husbanding!” Rick sounded offended down to his last curling tentacle. When they left the hearing and lost access to the business translator, Max was going to miss being able to hear Rick’s emotions reflected in his tone. 

“You legally have the right to terminate husbanding. Even Unbalanced Max says as much. This is unacceptable. Unbalanced Max has committed unacceptable trading.”

That did not sound good.

Rick gave a whale-song blast that didn’t translate. “I take Max as …” and the statement ended in a belch-song.

“That didn’t translate,” Max said.

Rick didn’t explain—the judge did. “Some species not asymmetrical create relationship that cannot be terminated. What belongs to one belongs to the other. Asymmetrical species do not register such relationships.”

“I am husband to Max. I register…” and that was another belch-song.

The judge turned to Max. “Do Unbalanced ones have a marriage relationship that cannot be ended?”

“Um, yeah,” Max said, but the business translator was going to broadcast his uncertainty. One of the guys in the unit had been Mormon, and he had expected his marriage to survive death and didn’t believe divorce was possible because their souls had been joined in a temple. However, that was not part of his religious tradition. “Churches have that.”

“So do laws,” Dee said. “My cousin has a covenant marriage registered with the state of Louisiana.”

Rick straightened his tentacles. “I register a covenant marriage.” He was using the same belch-song, but the computer had obviously accepted Dee’s translation. “He may have access to my possessions. He may buy or sell from my account.”

“And you can buy or sell from mine,” Max said. “In fact, most people who get married only have one account and both people have access to it.”

“Logical,” the judge said. “A covenant marriage cannot be voided. If you no longer fit or are not having compatible goals, each will still have access to the account of the other.”

Max took a deep breath. “I am fine with that.”

Rick grabbed Max with several tentacles. “I am happy with that,” he said. And with the fancy translator running, Max could hear the joy in his voice.

“Describe Unbalanced ones requirement for vows and I will register marriaging and covenant marriage.”

“Um, we say vows to each other in front of witnesses and then file paperwork so the government knows that we are married.” Max looked at Dee to see if she had anything to add.  She nodded without saying anything. He could add that family should be present, but he was nervous enough about having Kohei and Rick off the ship. He couldn’t have all the kids vulnerable at once, and they sure as hell couldn’t leave the ship undefended.

“I am ignorant of the vow to say,” Rick said.

Max had watched enough television to have a general idea of what he should say, but he didn’t think standard words described their rather non-standard relationship. “You say what you feel. Traditionally, you say I promise to love and respect you, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives. But I would add that I will always love the way you blow raspberries when I say something stupid and never hold the stupidity against me. I love that you’re patient and I promise to try to avoid trying your patience too much. I love what a good father you are, and I promise to always work with you to raise beautiful children. No matter what the universe throws at us, I promise that I will always put you first because you are my family.” 

Rick rotated a little, but he couldn’t go far without loosening some of his tentacles, and he didn’t do that. Then Rick spoke, his translated voice soft with emotion. “I promise to love and respect you, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives. I would add that I will always love the way you tangle tentacles with me when I am afraid or angry and you never tell me to stop having fear or anger. I love that you’re caring and I promise to try to avoid…” Rick hesitated. “What should I avoid?” he asked.

Max laughed. “You don’t have to avoid anything because you are perfect.”

Rick blew raspberries. “I promise to avoid noticing that you do not see me clearly. I love what a good father you are, and I promise to only trust you with our beautiful children. No matter what the universe throws at us, I promise that I will always put you first because you are my family.”

“Now you kiss,” Dee said.

Considering where Rick’s mouth was, that might be awkward, but Rick brought his largest arm tentacle up and brushed it across Max’s mouth. Max caught it and kissed the red tip.

“Woo hoo!” Dee clapped and whistled.

Rick’s tentacles spasmed, pulling Max off balance. “Explain noise!” he bellowed while Max tried to get his feet under him without stepping on any tentacle tips. Luckily Rick was strong enough to hold him while he did it.

“Making noise is traditional to congratulate the new couple,” Dee said. “This is me congratulating you and making noise to let everyone know that I wish you many years of happy married life.”

Rick’s tentacles relaxed, which made it much easier for Max to right himself, and Kohei started bellowing. After a second, the judge added his own whistlish cries. Max pulled his shirt down. “Next time, warn Rick before you do that.”

“I thought he was sweeping you off your feet,” Dee said with a smile. “Congratulations. Both of you.”

The judge tapped his wrist translator. “Traditional congratulations. I recorded the covenant marriage. Unbalanced Max is allowed to sell the work of Ugly Rick.”

Before Max could say anything, the judge retreated to the far side of the table. Since he had been recording an official document, he probably needed to use the official titles, so Max decided to be charitable and forgo any knee-cracking. Besides, this was his wedding day. 

“We should have pictures,” Max said. “After I get out of these clothes.” They were still dirty from the weapons testing he had been doing with Xena.

“I will speak to Unbalanced Dee of damage from lack of gregariousness.” The judge backed toward the far door.

“What about it?” Dee asked.

“We speak elsewhere.” The judge continued to back away. 

After rolling her eyes, Dee started to follow. “I’ll see you guys later. Don’t take off.” She stopped and gave Max a searching look.

“Never leave one of our own behind,” he said.

She smiled and gave him a quick nod before she turned and followed the judge toward the far door.

“What is traditional after a marriage?” Kohei asked.

Max blinked. No way in hell was he explaining the concept of honeymoon to his children. Nope. Let them figure out what parents did the same way all the Earth kids did—by watching television. It might not be the most accurate depiction of adult relationships, but the longer Max had kids, the more he understood why parents just did not discuss some things. Kids had a bad habit of asking awkward questions.

“We should find food Max likes. He picks at ship food without enjoying,” Rick said.

“You noticed?”

Rick blew raspberries. “We will sell the navigation program to the one you designate Al Bundy and then we will find you food you enjoy. I dislike watching you put food in your mouth the way a –whalesong- eats a –burb-”

Feeling almost nostalgic, Max said, “Translation matrix failure.”

Rick tightened his hold. 

Husbands. They were actual husbands. Odd husbands, but Max had grown used to odd. He even kinda liked it. Max squeezed his husband’s tentacle.