Earth Fathers, chapter 22 (Patreon)

“Rick Father, Max Father!” Xander flew at them the second the ship door opened. The unemotional translation computer didn’t communicate excitement, but Xander’s volume and speed did.

“Xander!” Max gave him a hug, and when James followed, Max bent over to pull him in close. It took Rick a couple of seconds, and then he was there, curling his tentacles around the younger two kids, and finally Kohei joined in. Max had tentacles everywhere, and he assumed the one down the back of his pants was Rick’s. 

“I’m so glad you guys are safe,” Max said. Standing safely in their ship with his whole family around him, the cold fear that had wrapped around his heart eased.

James twitched all of his tentacles. “We are much with safety. We were always much with safety. You and Rick Father were not with safety. We worried.”

“Sorry, buddy,” Max said as he hugged James tighter for a second before standing up.

“Max Father,” Xander said, “Al Bundy sent a message. He says he can sell Rick Father's navigation program. He says people pay almost as much as when Rick Father was unknown.”

“Hey, that’s great.” Not as great as getting full price, but “almost” was going to have to be enough. He could only ask the universe to improve so much because the prejudices against the Hidden ones went deep. Max wondered how much of the prejudice was the whole asymmetrical issue and how much came from the aggravation the rest of the universe felt at having navigation in that part of space shut down. 

Rick's people weren’t warriors. From what Max had seen on the videos, they still considered hunting a skill every Hidden one should possess. They hunted the small prey on their planet. But the idea of fighting something nearly the same size or fighting another sentient creature just didn't exist for them. And the rest of the universe could not respect that species whose only survival strategy was hiding might not want warriors running around their part of space. Max could testify that when aliens ran past your planet, sometimes it did not end well.

“Do you hear that?” Max asked Rick. “You are going to get credit for writing that program.”

“My hearing is unimpaired to hear Xander's words.”

Clearly Max’s enthusiasm had been lost under the literal translation of his words. Max was going to miss that business translation program.

“Max Father,” Xander said, “The official translation program now translates human as Unbalanced one.”

Max grimaced. “Is that a reference to human walking or human thinking?”

“The translation of the word unbalanced implies both.”

Rick blew bubbles.

Max rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that you saying I told you so?”

When Rick simply stared at him, Max realized that Rick hadn't understood the question. “Query,” he started. “Are you implying that I should have listened to you when you warned me that I was making myself sound violent?”

Rick bugled. “Yes.”

Max pulled Rick closer. “Well, at least the rest of the universe has fair warning that they need to leave my husband and my children alone. I can be unreasonable when people threaten them, even if the threats are only economic.”

“Is more,” Xander said, his tentacles flailing. “Translation of Ugly one has asterisk.”

Max assumed that wasn’t a literal asterisk, but that someone had flagged the translation in some way. “What does that mean?”

“Unknown.” Xander rotated a bit. “Perhaps they warn not to use designation Ugly one near Max Father.”

“That would be wise. I will admit that I feel a little homicidal every time I hear someone say that.” Max wasn’t sure how long he could control his urge to punch someone. In ROTC, they made a big deal out of service members being unofficial ambassadors. They had to represent America well to the rest of the world. However, those instructors never had to put up with fucking aliens.

“Max generates unstable words,” Rick said, but he didn't try and pull away, so clearly he wasn't too worried about Max's version of unbalanced.

“Will you protested the designation of human as unbalanced?” James asked. He had a weird bounce in his tentacles that made Max worry that James wanted a fight. Given his namesake, he might turn out to be the only Hidden one who wanted conflict.

“I probably should. The rest of the humans probably won’t be amused,” Max said as he walked deeper into the ship. The door slid closed automatically when the family followed. Kohei hurried ahead to trigger the elevator. “But on the good side, if humans have a reputation for being unbalanced, the rest of the universe is less likely to poke us with a sharp stick.”

“Sharp stick is unprobable,” Rick said. “Sharp maintenance hook more probable.”

Max laughed. “Metaphorically, the universe has a lot of sharp sticks lying around—insults, unjust sanctions, maintenance hooks.” Max’s stomach rumbled. “Come on, let's get something to eat. There should have been a delivery of new foods.”

“Many, many,” James offered. “Available by computer.”

Max might get a decent meal. It had been so long that he wasn’t sure what good food tasted like anymore, but he had found several things at the market that he had liked, at least when sampling them. “We should talk about what we’re going to do with all of those new credits we’re going to have from Rick Father's program.”

“And credits from weapons Max Father and I sell,” James added with a furious little wave of his tentacles. 

Max gave the closest waving tentacle a gentle tug. “Of course. We can't forget that.”

“No.” Rick said with a bugle. “You must reserve credits of yours. When you are ready to be James On Your Own, you must have reserve. Reserve James will not be spent on ship of Max and Rick.” He bugled again. Rick had a good point, even if Max sometimes liked to pretend that the children would be with them forever.

James had his tentacles drawn up, which usually meant a family fight was about two seconds away. “My credits. I am spending on my wanting.”

“How about we have a compromise, kiddo,” Max interrupted. “When I was young, my parents had me put half my money into a savings account for the future. The other half I could spend if I was buying something reasonable.”

James’s tentacles started to uncurl, but Rick's tentacles drew up. Max leaned in closer. “Trust me,” he whispered to Rick. Rick did a quarter turn and looked at him out of several small eyes. Max was starting to think that that indicated something like disbelief or sarcasm. He wondered of each of the eyes represented a different emotion. However, Max is not going to explain in front of James that they could simply put money aside for each of the kids and then make them take it since it was a human tradition for parents to economically support their children. None of the kids were going to be left without resources to do whatever they wanted to do in life. 

They left the elevator and were headed toward the only room large enough for all of them to eat together—the pool room. They were almost there when Rick stopped. Max frowned, watching as Rick read something on his wrist translator.

“Human Dee requests entrance to the ship.” Rick looked at Max with his largest eye.

“Do you have a problem with her?” Max asked.

“No.”

“Then let’s go let her in.” Max reversed course and headed back into the elevator. Having Dee around was potential trouble. After all, if Rick’s ship… if their ship… had been close enough to pick up television and the kids were sure to tell her, then they could have gone home.

But no matter how much potential trouble Max could be in, he wouldn’t leave her behind. You didn’t do that to your unit. He reached the outer door and touched the release. Outside on the ramp stood Dee with a large bag sitting at her feet.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Good,” Dee said. “Permission to come on board?”

“Come on in.” Max stepped to one side. “What happened with the judge?” Max led her toward the elevator, leaving the door to close automatically. 

“It turns out, I had quite the basis for a lawsuit because their government’s stupidity left me lacking a basic necessity for human life.” Dee hiked her bag up higher on her shoulder.

“Companionship.”

“Yes.” They got in the elevator, and Max tried to figure out a way to apologize. He hadn’t thought to ask if any other humans had survived. And they had ignored so many of his requests that he had just stopped asking for anything.  “To compensate me for my significant trauma,” and her tone made it clear she was quoting the judge on that one, “they gave me a shit-ton of money. So I tried to hire a ship to take me back to Earth,” Dee said in a cheerful voice as she stpped off the elevator.

“And? Did you find one?” Max knew she had a husband of her own back on Earth. No doubt, he assumed she was dead. Max prayed that didn’t end in some disaster for poor Dee. She’d suffered enough without going home to find some her husband married to someone else. God, those months he’d spent watching television with the kids while Rick worked on his program had rotted his brain. He thought in soap opera plots now. He didn’t mind pop culture dominating most of his brain, but he could not conduct threat assessments using soap opera plots.

“When Earth was a back-water Hicksville, getting a ticket would have been impossibly expensive.”

“Yeah, I remember.” That had been the main reason Max had taken the nanny job, that that he was complaining. That job had turned out damn well.

“You have the world’s stupidest love-sick grin right now.” 

“The universe’s stupidest,” Max corrected her.

“At the very least, the galaxy’s,” she conceded. “However, it turns out that now no one wants to fly to the planet of the Unbalanced ones.” She gave him a weary look. “I know you did ROTC instead of OTS, but did anyone ever mention the part where you’re supposed to be a role model for the people you encounter?”

Max sniffed and gave a one-shoulder shrug. “They mentioned something about ambassadors, but in my defense, they told me I had to represent Americans well, not Earthlings.”

Dee shook her head, her amusement evident.

“I take it you need a ride back to Earth.” Most of the good-will evaporated from Max’s heart. He had to go home eventually—he had parents and a little brother back there in the chaos. But going back to Earth meant handling the prejudices of his own people. That was not Max’s happy thought for the day.

“It would be nice. Is Rick going that way?”

“Um, maybe. We can ask him.”

And Rick would say absolutely, and then Max would have to figure out something to say to the Air Force. Well, he had to face his homeworld eventually. Max opened the door to the pool room. The computer interface table had been joined by a lower and larger table the family would use for shared meals, and that’s where they were all waiting. Everyone except Rick. He was close to the door, clearly waiting. When Max came in, Rick curled a tentacle around his wrist.

“Hey, everyone. You remember Dee. It turns out that I’ve scared everyone away from Earth and no one will give her a ride back home, not even with all the money the government gave her to apologize for their general shittiness.”

“Which was a lot, but that’s fair because it was a lot of shittiness,” Dee said with a smile. “It’s nice to see you folks again.” She smiled at Rick and then looked to the table where the kids had gathered. They all watched, silent.

Max pulled Rick closer. “So, what do you say we give Dee a ride back to Earth?” After the fact, Max added, “Query.”

Rick’s tentacles curled. “Change of attitude toward Hidden ones is alarm for Hidden ones on Hidden planet. Change is unfathomable without unknown data.”

“Query. Do you want to go to Hidden planet and explain the changes to your people?” Max asked. He wouldn’t mind that… not a little. It would give him more time to figure out what he might say to his commanders… and his parents. He definitely didn’t know how to introduce (Have I give his parents’ given names) Davis to their alien grandchildren.

“Hidden ones and unknown are not two great tastes that taste great together.” Rick’s tentacles were curling tighter by the second.

Dee gave Rick an odd look. Yep, that had pretty much outed them as having contact with Earth. However, Dee didn’t address that. “Hey, I thought I was going to die of old age out here, so if you can get me home to my family any time before never, that’s a good deal. I can wait.”

“Clarify deal. I require not compensation from Dee Friend of Max Husband. No deal.” That made some of his tentacles straightened back out.

“Dee uses the word deal in non-standard way to suggest gratitude,” Max said. “She is not suggesting compensation.”

“Nope, but I did bring a gift.” Dee put her bag on the floor and dug around. When she stood up, she had a box that made Rick’s tentacles go so straight that he gained several inches of height. Xander made a low bellow and Kohei started waving his tentacles. James actually dropped his food onto the table, where it rolled off and the slope of the floor sent it heading toward the water.

“Since a wedding gift is traditional and I can’t spend my settlement on a ticket home, I thought I would buy you guys a business translator.” She smiled as she held out the suitcase-sized object.

“Best present ever!” Xander shouted. Max couldn’t agree more.