2020 wrapup and endless thanks (Patreon)

It has been awhile since I have posted an update--longer than I've intended. This is a bit of a personal entry explaining my state and current situation. Though the societal belief of the earth making another round around the sun will somehow change everything, I am ready for that methodical change.

TL;DR
Working a grocery store job as an immune compromised chronically ill person is NOT fun. But with finances to worry about and my own health/sanity, a lot of art has sadly been on the wayside or me having to prioritize my health and rest.

I’ve made a few temporary changes to benefits and info regarding Patreon. I’m hoping by next year I’ll have the chance to focus more so on my business and artistic aspirations. Commissions, regular streams, comic projects, and generally being more active socially. Until then, most of my energy and functionality is going toward retail fun and taking care of my health concerns.

To ramble,

On a personal scale, 2020 in some ways has felt like 'just another bad year' for me if it is okay to admit some dramatic whining. But the added stress of factors like COVID and current events is that bonus that has left me utterly drained.

It has been over a year now that my dad has passed, and I'm still working through those results. I have had more than enough scares with my cat and rushing him back and forth to the vet over the months (had a fun emergency run there on thanksgiving!). I unfortunately have lost my art teaching job, due to its closing permanently thanks to COVID--this hit me hard, and still in a limbo of uncertainty and defeat.

All the while, I have been stumbling through my grocery job to find a balance between making enough to afford living, yet still care for my needs. Being technically immune compromised too, the environment of a service job in the days, and my frustration to 'keep up' with everyone has been extremely draining.

Between trying to care for myself due to my limited energy and poor health, alongside struggling to keep up with the world, has left me extremely limited in my time. If I am not at work, I am in bed. If not that, it is often trying to focus on taking care of myself and general life needs. The occasional leftovers go to art.

But this year has not been a complete disaster or all of it bad. And I would like to focus on that to slingshot me further into betterment.

For the first time since 2018, I am drawing again! Like, decently regularly. I've found the activity fun again. I'm slowly rebuilding my confidence and being proud of my skill and work. It's been so nice to simply focus on the process of drawing, to be indulgent in my interests, to simply relax, explore, learn.

On top of that, I have made some great progress with my health. Physical, mental, emotional. I’m taking care of myself better, with both little and large responsibility. A lot of focus on my mindset, being accountable with my flaws, and openness to push for change and recovery. I have had to continually catch myself—one of the big things I’ve struggled with is feeling like I’m ‘enough’ or am doing ‘enough’.

When you are chronically ill, the past many years been extremely hard, and the sense of constant chaos and stress—it can really wear you down. I’ve had to find that balance of accepting my limitations and needs, while making myself realize I am inherently worthy now. I cannot be on a manic self-healing crusade. I must slow down and take tiny steps.

For the rest of 2020, I will be focusing on slowing down and rest. I’d like to coast through the rest of this year without trying to add too much pressure and expectations on me. Especially in the art department—so that likely means Patreon will be quiet for now.

All the same, I cannot thank everyone enough for the support here and elsewhere in different facets. The small monthly pay here is a huge help. With my art teaching job off the table, I’m having to rethink a lot about my goals and desires. And honestly, whatever that can pay the bills. It’s kind of a frustrating situation. I would much rather focus on my art career and freelancing. But to do that, I will need time. But I also need money to pay the bills right now. Grocery job it is. But then I do not have the energy for art. That perpetual hell cycle.

If anyone wants to give me the chance to focus on art, then I will not turn away any form of help, advice, or financial support. There is a lot to work on and I am at a bad disadvantage. None of this is permanent, I’m not cursed, there is room for improvement and change. But this is exhausting and disheartening, being completely honest.

Thank you all so much, and I hope everyone has a good holidays!

- Sue