2021 Recap (Patreon)

This is a basic recap of last year. After this, there will be an entry that focuses more on the present and plans.

I cannot express how grateful I am for everyone's support. Unfortunately, this year slipped by--to the point that after I realized I hadn't updated in over a year, and suddenly it was 2022. I sincerely apologize—this is a broken record, something I battle with. But I still am grateful for all the support, regardless of how long you were. Since returning to Patreon, despite minor updates, y'all helped me cover bills or when I was unable to work at my grocery job (and now have left for many months), or when my art teaching career got closed because of it COVID factors.

It's been five years since I made a medical withdrawal from college. Four years since I've been in and out of the hospital. Almost Three since my dad passed. Two since I was able t finally make progress with health and return to art, even if the progress is slow.

And now I'm here, almost a year into a relationship I would have never seen coming, but it changed my life—and prompted me to keep trying and changing for my own sake.

2021 was one of the first years I can remember being stable and hopeful. Not perfect! Those are two very different things, and I don't want the latter. And I realize by saying, "this is the first year that's been good!" does sound dramatic, but let me have that. I always worried that if somehow life did" get better," I wouldn't even notice, be ungrateful, or somehow invalidate the struggles I've had. Maybe things had never been wrong! Surprisingly (not so by friends), none of that was the case. So it's a mix of relief, but I'm still left with the grief of lost time and opportunity.

I've improved my health--mentally, physically. Friends have helped me pay off a bunch of my medical debt. There's a lot of ups and downs. But here I am now, in another state, on my own again, and finally grasping the opportunity before me. Also, working through the realization that I am flawed does not equate to the unfairness of life, chronic illnesses, or how all showed me my worth. There's a balance between allowing myself the loss of not being where I want to be in life but trying to stay present and hopeful.

While 2020 was a year I got back into drawing, My art output struggled a bit at the start of 2021. I was hitting a breaking point with the retail job, and I was discouraged that the teaching business I worked under was closing. Even after things began to improve significantly, I chose to focus on the needs of running a small community of friends—many of who were struggling more than I was during the pandemic. I wanted to give my time and focus to that. So I put art a bit on the casual side. I let myself doodle; I took my time; I let myself look at other facets and interests in my life.

Finally, I'm settling and living with my partner, for who I am eternally grateful. He's given me so much space and encouragement. I've been able to rest. And not just relax out of necessity. It hit me a while back that I usually jump to show my worth when I feel "good" (i.e., healthy and semi-normal). Catch up on chores, responsibilities, things I couldn't normally do in bed. When you get 1 or 2 days out of the week to function, it really can be exhausting. There's a lot of built-up shame because of this. But I'm also allowed to be on the good days, you know? It's a tricky balance. The amount of fatigue I've built up over the years is overwhelming. When am I allowed to exist when I'm in so much pain? When is it ok to make myself push and not wait for the ideal time?

It's hard to say. But it's a factor I'm working on. Even this past week, my technique is to get myself to do 5 minutes or something. And so I've chipped away, taking small steps, trying to encourage healthy and consistent habits. Whether that's returning to art, taking care of myself, tackling tasks I've feared. It's powerfully effective. I'm working on other self-love techniques, seeking therapy, finding new doctors, and allowing myself to be present.

Anyway, I've drawled on and repeated points for too long with that aside. But I thank you if you read or skimmed. I hope that I'm understood, accepted, forgiven. So many believe in me and have helped me unconditionally time and time again. Thank you.

With all that out of the way, let's BE here in the moment and follow through. Fewer words, more action.

As stated, I'll be sharing another post right after this to explain plans for the new year. I will do my absolute best to fulfill and keep trying.

Thank you all so much! See you around.

Susannah Livengood / SueDraws