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We all think of Cornelius Bear as the factory spec of an accomplished and erudite gentleman. He's a publican who knows what Catullus did, a widower who once hand-rolled pasta shapes long lost to time, and a hopeless romantic who would stow away to Russia on the strength of one televised Olympic volleyball match. But, then, why does he supplement his income with tawdry smut-captioning, the pounding-out of formulaic paperbacks, and the like? Perhaps receipts are down at the Dude & Catastrophe; perhaps the busywork is an evening prophylactic against all the many sheaves of memory up in the rick.

Be it not forgotten that at noon in tiers 2 & 3 today a "making-of-this-strip" strip will post. Other upper-tier posts this week include two pages of my hand-drawn BonAire and Balanesçu Comix; a new interview of Cornelius by Beef; photo tour of my personally-executed rain garden, including photos of me in a "band" in high school; a character study fiction writing exercise. There are over 350 original posts waiting for you in tiers 2 & 3!

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Comments

Josh Egbert

And here I was thinking the four course crop rotation was a highly advanced sex move a woman would never let me try.

Alex Schlesinger

Your search - Norfolk four course crop rotation COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED did not match any documents

Bruce Wright

My initial thought as well. Like an Akron double header but classier

Stygian Gloom

How dare Cornelius check T’s recently closed tabs? You don’t look at someone’s recently closed tabs!

b.zap

Some hot bear on bear action in panel 11

Song Club with John Krane

"Hey, guys, we're the Nice Round Asses of Norfolk, and we'll be rockin' with you for the next 45 minutes. We've got T-shirts at the merch table, so check those out and TIP. THOSE. BARTENDERS."

s b

all roads lead to bone

Josh Egbert

I am fond of The Crumb Snatcher but I'm much too old now.

Nate

Irrumabo those catamites, spoke Catullus

Achewood

Except the roads Téodor takes.

Achewood

Yes. Yes. There's a mandolin, and an old guy with a Gandalf hat and a tie dye t-shirt even though most of the crowd is just annoyed parents trying to have a quick dinner out.

Achewood

Will remove the chair for $10

Achewood

He was too excited to see the results of his information engineering, and perhaps a squee too ready to be proud of young T.

Song Club with John Krane

Nothing makes a family dinner more fun than thinking "are they actually gonna play Angel from Montgomery twice in the same set?"

Achewood

A warning: do not image search turnip asses.

Josh Egbert

*looks up housing costs in Norfolk*

Nate

So it's wheat, turnips, barley, and then telling your political rivals that you will, and I'm quoting the most literal translation, "aggressively face fuck them" to show dominance. That's a weird way to grow crops but I'm not going to question the wisdom of the ages, or a society that had a single verb for "aggressively face fuck"

Achewood

I smell the blood of an Englishman. What characterizes Norfolk, specifically? —A Western American

Achewood

Yeah, you don't want to be hanging around that fourth field at the start of planting season. It's not like they check ID before they start ffafelfeckin'.

Achewood

I started to listen to that then I started to think about Widespread Panic and then I started to think about people I know who go to all their shows on mixed microdoses at age 45 and closed the browser tab.

Achewood

Daily Mail: Housing Prices in Norfolk SKYROCKET! UNEXPLAINED! Furtive men fondling turnips at Tesco, More at 11.

Crumbles

Followed by the old classic "Groundbreaking Historical Andean Terracing Techniques on Fuck Mountain"

Josh Egbert

Didnt Showbiz get arrested for this

Achewood

Remember, you must be 18+ and first have won the battle of Password Mountain.

Achewood

Showbiz could get arrested for fucking a sandwich bag in a car wash. They've got it in for him! Guy can't win!

Jay Williams

Catullus was the first poet who got his Bone on, little man!

Josh Egbert

Nice to hear hes taking the sandwich out of the bag first

Jay Y

Porn is staid and perfunctory. The people crave historical knowledge that can no longer be applied to the world they live in and intimacy, also dwindling in relevance. Also I can see Ray running with the idea and trying to carve out a piece of the market where educational content meets pay-per-view smut.

Jay Y

Ray got put on an MI5 watchlist again but then Waterbury explained the whole thing

Achewood

You might be surprised to learn how many hours of 1980s steeplejack clips my friends and I watch.

Achewood

And helped thousands of others do the same.

Mustafa Beg

Julian of Norwich has much to answer for; maybe not for this, but in general.

Ste & Danni JM

Sad that Teodor closed the tab just before he discovered that Meg White once took a visit to Norfolk.

Achewood

Guy needs extra energy to get off on stuff like that. It's not an easy lifestyle. How do you think he stays so thin?

Ste & Danni JM

My personal take would be "Hillbillies, except with zero hills".

Achewood

Julian of Norwich (c. 1343) — damn, people were still brushing their teeth with like fiddlehead ferns

Achewood

[heavy breathing into phone receiver] what was she wearing

Achewood

The accent is nice on my western American ear. Like how a chubby bunny in Beatrix Potter would speak. (Before ripping into a bag of cheddar popcorn for lunch and eating it while smoking)

Ian Stewart

You know, I've seen all the ads for the man-rod cantilevers, but I just... I don't think I'm ready for that

Bruce Wright

'AI Overview "Turnip asses" is not a standard phrase but likely a misunderstanding or typo of "turnip tops" or "turnip greens," which are the edible leaves of the turnip plant, or it could be a reference to old slang where "turnip" and its related terms were used to mean a simpleton or a fool'

Achewood

There was this great-looking one from North Korea that was only $19, but the first time I got it oily all the ink ran and the main part turned out to just be compressed tissue paper.

Achewood

Our every turnip-inspired vulgarity is the new tradition

Anthony Thompson

"Will remove the chair for $10" is my "Baby shoes never worn"

Achewood

Man now it sounds like an Ian Curtis reference :(

Nicholas Williams

A nice round ass is fine. But a nice round NUDE ass? Now you’re talkin’.

Pubdoggy

Myself and my current wife specifically chose north Norfolk as the place to be wed. We had a 50/50 split of round asses and razor saddles in attendance. The phrase we grew to love most? It’s “Normal for Norfolk” which was emblazoned on t shirts and dish towels.

Jay Y

It's to be expected. Someone once sent me a video of a Japanese woodworking contest in which they were competing to carve the thinnest slice. I watched it more times than would have been expected. Anything we no longer do to survive can spontaneously combust in us a great flame of interest.

Achewood

Okay, we need to know what a razor saddle is. I'm guessing it's just the vertical strip of a D'artagnan goatee, with the rest shaved away. Or is it a really narrow Brazilian waxing? Any why all this porno hair at your wedding? Are you, "in the lifestyle"

Achewood

I once watched a vintage twenty-minute video of a Hungarian village woman make a sausage no-one would want to eat. It made me miss those times.

Pubdoggy

There was ALMOST NOTHING pornographic about our wedding but I thank you for asking.

Bob the Fish Productions

That's about it, yes. I cannot cast nasturtiums, being from Cornwall, but yokels recognise yokels

GruntyGinMan

> the busywork is an evening prophylactic against all the many sheaves of memory up in the rick to be alone with ones memories is a terrible thing

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Let's assume Connie is aware of Baldrick and his love of turnips. Just a bit cheeky, what? Especially a turnip shaped exactly like a thingy!

Omnithea

Good effort, Connie. We'll try again tomorrow.

Tom Morris

Porn for the thousand-tabs generation.

Tom Morris

Are you Fred Dibnah pilled Chris? 😊

blair

charles townshend COME ON SHOW ME HIM NAKED

Donald Turnbaugh

I, too, remember Nice Round-Ass and would pay top dollar to see that clip again.

Douglas Wykstra

The rocket booster of timeless agrarian knowledge proves insufficient to escape the gravity well of big shapely asses.

Achewood

Positive escape velocity would have required an additional line about creating pleasing façades with skintled brick.

zaratustra

Cornelius probably has a 600-page work in progress about British inter-war literature. But it's not quite together yet. He knows it could be better. And so he works on it, maybe an hour or two a week, and it will never, ever get published.

Achewood

Wait, was this an actual early internet meme? I was there, how did I miss this

Achewood

When I see someone has more than six or seven tabs going I get anxious. All that CPU!

Achewood

There was undeniable, if not sustained, traction. That's something these days, against that foe.

Achewood

Nothing is known about Cornelius's awareness of Blackadder. Not even by me, so secret does he keep this knowledge/anti-knowledge.

Achewood

I tried it last Tuesday — miserable!

Achewood

"Almost nothing" slyly hints at a scandalously-folded pocket square.

Achewood

You can't avoid Dibnah once the algorithm recognizes you as a good sort.

Achewood

That is as fine a malapropism as I've seen in ages.

Achewood

That's significantly more Christian than what I got.

Josh Fireland

i came here to post this except it was Jethro Tull (agriculturist)

Jonathan

Wait are you implying the tabs were opened in the order of norfolk four course crop rotation → pornhub? because in the actual browser the most recently closed tabs are the top

Achewood

Given the discrepancy of standards across platforms, and the varied nature of history retrieval features, and the linear needs of narrative progression, it felt okay to structure it this way. The last panel gag is most effective when read top to bottom, but could also pleasantly be read in reverse, if the last panel were disembodied from the comic.

Datura

tbf who hasn't been sidetracked by a turnip towards an inevitable night of onanism

Oppido

Did T get kicked out of the Breast Man club or something?

Tom Morris

Dibnah is the voice of my subconscious.

Daniel Burt

I feel the post-nut clarity in this instance granted a yearning for agricultural techniques.

Max Crowe

A thing I like about this is that it's not immediately clear in which order T originally opened those closed tabs, and either direction is illuminating in different ways.

Achewood

That’s what built this country Daniel Burt

Achewood

This makes me think maybe he lives with these fools so he’ll have an excuse to hide in his room and work.

Achewood

One degree from delectable rumps

Achewood

Once they started requiring dues, he was the first to fall back.

Achewood

I hoped the reader would read them top to bottom first and see the narrative. Ultimately I couldn’t find a perfect device by which to guarantee this :(

Achewood

Does this mean there’s always ‘ahf a cigarette ‘angin’ from your ear

Oppido

You know they change their drink password once a quarter, too.

Oppido

Can't spell "turnip" without several of the letters in "rump," in a different order

A. Hamster

I was going to ask my wife for a Harris Teeter for my birthday but I don’t think she’d even pretend to enjoy it.

Tim Hulsizer

It's hard to pull a true "laugh out loud" from these jaded lips but that last panel really got me. Thanks Chris! Also, my Mom™ has a thriving, 40-year old Norfolk Island pine in the house. I know that island is technically Australian but I like to think the tree feels some kinship with its namesake European roots.

Achewood

Thank you Tim, with all this discussion of which way histories/tabs are stacked in real life, I was concerned the joke didn't land for many. I looked up Norfolk pine and just realized we have a little one in the house too! It's about two feet tall and seems just fine about things.

Achewood

I have it on good authority that at least one person, Tim From New Hampshire, enjoyed the last panel, so I feel good about moving on. Thank you.

C C

You know those people too? The poor souls have given up on trying to find new entertainment when it's just as easy to enjoy the same thing over and over. The psychedelics help convince their brain there is something undiscovered in this song they have heard 2500 times.