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Microsoft: Grooming and Presentation (Patreon)

Published:
2026-02-04 18:00:16
Imported:
2026-09
Tags:

Content

Gentle but lasting machinations are afoot at Microsoft this week! These nearly inaudible cries of lust, power-hunger, and manipulative diplomacy will be familiar to all desk-bound souls, yearning to be free from the web of mediocre tyranny.

Files

Comments

Josh Egbert

That Captains Club line would have worked on me for sure.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Teodor's edges are laid. Superman had a spit curl even back then for goodness sakes.

Conor Nelson

first time for everything haha

Rob Dalton

when i was a young buck playing my music in nyc i paid bills working as a temp, and one gig had me sitting at a huge desk all day pressing a button to open the glass doors that permitted executives of [corporation] to enter from the elevator hallway. one day i got a memo — a piece of paper, mind you, on letterhead — that read only: "Please refrain from rolling up your sleeves."

jordan b.

you'd better believe that Téodor has wicked sack, Mr Wendell.

Stymie

Seeing an email today that had the header "Microsoft: Grooming and Presentation" really threw me for a minute until I realized it wasn't from Microsoft directly.

Johnny Deans

Ah… mediocre tyranny… ugh.

Bruce Wright

I think I still have the memo somewhere about the exciting new Hygolet toilet technology the agency had adopted. (It didn't last)

Sedric and Charlie

This T is doing surprisingly well for himself. Could it be that the canon Téodor is the portrait in Microsoft Téodor's attic all along?

Dickie

Almost certain this “era” of Microsoft only celebrates women in the workplace because it’s 8.5 hours a day they aren’t driving or voting.

Oppido

As soon as I read "Captain's Club," I was like "oh T is gonna fold HARD." The little bear has depths. (Or at least this extra-canonical version of him does.)

Omurice

Seeing your extensor digitorum muscles, flagrantly displayed, was causing more than one executive to waste time thinking of carnal matters instead of concentrating on pursuing profit over all. Glistening forearm hair under fluorescent lighting….

b.zap

Never regret thy fall, / O Icarus of the fearless flight / For the greatest tragedy of them all / is never to feel the burning light

Zach M

lets fucking gooooooooo

Achewood

I'm glad it made sense. I had a "boss" use a trick like this to make me feel special / inner circle without actually giving me anything or doing anything, and that's exactly where this came from.

Achewood

Well, I just learned a new Hair Technology

Achewood

Since nobody can prove Wilde wrote this, I think you are now the author of record.

Achewood

If it's in the corporate manual, nobody really means it.

Achewood

I like this. But don't rule out T failing in this realm as well. /It can still be a realm of ass/

Achewood

But did you get to use it?! Or was it just for Big Billy?

Achewood

Good reminder to mind how these things will appear in inboxes. COLON DOCTOR RESULTS: URGENT (GRAPHIC)

Achewood

Was that Showbiz, around the corner? What will become of Wendell's lust for Donna? Tune in next time!

Achewood

Nothing to add to this perfect idea

Achewood

Makes you a little anxious though right

Kayla Unknown

We love to see a rare victory for Teodor here in Dream Hell.

b.zap

That's going on the CV for sure

Asherdan

I low key love these.

2scrogz

T only won this round by being technically correct to the letter of the corporate handbook, so that he could then set Mr. Wendell's corporate bullying instincts into conflict with Mr. Wendell's idolization of corporate values. The cognitive dissonance effectively neutralized the attack. Unfortunately, the forelock still eats a REALM of ass, but chalk one up on the scoreboard for the little bear.

jordan b.

... holy shit, Showbiz may have butterfly-effected Comic Sans into existence.

Achewood

A handsomely succinct summarization. And I too am surprised nobody said t looks like a douche. Or that his forelock obviously came from me accidentally leaving a speech bubble tail on his forehead, then seeing how it would look if I made it Téodor-color.

Achewood

Never play these guys in Greco-Roman wrestling at the community center league

Achewood

I knew it had to be somebody illiterate

Oppido

Teodor tore his rotator cuff in that final panel, having never made the "success" fist pump before in his life.

Oppido

I was going to say, I wasn't sure how to square the boss's use of "vixen" with his professed devotion to gender equity in the workplace. Did I misread something?

Oppido

Also, forgive me, but do we know this guy's name? [EDIT: Oh, it's Mr. Wendell. Thank you, several other commenters.]

Gregory Sheets

This may say something significant. But this is one of the first times that I’ve made a comment here. So kind of sorry Chris, but not really. What’s significant is this: I came here to suggest if not outright encourage that Teodor should eat a realm of ass. The fact that it is one of these 1950s Microsoft type deals… Well, I feel for him, but on the other hand, I want him to eat a realm of ass. Sorry, T. You and I are probably more like than not, and our ass eating deserts are probably similar. Is it deserts or desserts? I mean it in the sense of what we deserve.

Gregory Sheets

Oh man interacting in a serious way gives me the howling fantods

Achewood

On the one hand, people are happy Téodor seems to have engineered a small office victory. On the other hand, it was over an insignificant shape of hair. We do not know if he will eventually eat a realm of ass in this side-universe, but it is also not looking like he'll be making any major upward moves.

Gregory Sheets

So does forcing Wallace onto Achewood. Now there need to be an awful lot of footnotes

Achewood

oh wait is that a DFW reference ...I never finished that one book of his

Taylor

Unfortunately, this is probably the maximum extent of a win we can expect for him.

James Bixby

It's probably been said before and better, but "Texas-based 1953 Microsoft" is such a note-perfect dreamscape

Achewood

Thank you James. That’s exactly what I was going for. I never saw much Twin Peaks, but this is what I imagine my version would be like.

C C

Seeing Teodor get a little victory is so much worse than a little defeat. Eventually, at some point, I know this little win will turn into ten heaping plates of ass, sliced thick and meaty off the realm of ass that awaits him.

A. Hamster

Today I learned that if you buy a premium license from Microsoft to build a “Power App”, the only people who can use your “Power App” are other premium license holders. This is the methodology of getting you at both ends, most commonly employed by ghost peppers

Some Weird Rando

Hes 4 inches from starting a Jerry Only style cover band of Buddy Holly and god help the good people of Microsoft if that comes to fruition.