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Philippe's Blog: I Am Sponsored! (Patreon)

Published:
2026-03-25 17:00:15
Imported:
2026-09
Tags:

Content

I Am Sponsored! A Blog Post by Philippe.

Big news everybody! I am sponsored now! Oh boy! I am excited and proud for this responsibility. 

What happened was, for my birthday Ray got me a “HydroTime.” That’s a special cameraphone that sits on the table and lets you do video calls with dolphins! Their end of the HydroTime is under water near the reef or wherever they live (I’m not sure) and they can come up to it and peck a button to call me, or I can call them. There are usually like three or four of them when we call! It’s so fun! They squeak and click and chitter and I wave and support them with positive affirmations. 

Then, a couple of weeks ago, a neat development happened. Téodor had ordered us a Hambroni delivery pizza from Pizza Bandit (ham, beef, pepperoni, SO good!) and I ate in front of the HydroTime. The dolphins were so excited! Their eyes kept following the Hambroni slice when I moved it slowly left-and-right across the screen, and when I took a bite they cheered! They loved that I was having nutrition! 

The next time we chatted, the dolphins kept bringing little fish and scallops and stuff to the screen, as “offers” for me! (The marine biologist Dana who runs the service explained this.) They kept bringing so much food during our calls that Dana organized to sell it to a local fisherman for money, and I am getting a share now! Mr. Bear explained that the dolphins are “sponsoring” me, like how a skateboard company pays Tony Hawk to go around and make dads happy. 

I don’t really know how to be sponsored, so I am kind of making it up as I go along. I guessed it would be good to support the dolphins back, so my first thing is wearing a dolphin fin hat whenever I leave the house. Mr. Bear has been letting me ride along to the grocery store with him lately, so I wear the fin at the Hidden Hills Town & Country Mart when he is buying his cheeses and tins. A lot of people have promised to learn more about dolphins after they compliment my hat and I share my story!  

Dolphin “Fin Fact”: Dolphins keep breathing when they sleep! 

Until next time, 

Philippe! 

Files

Comments

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Congratulations Philippe! Except dolphins are jerks. When the wee otter tires of HydroTime, someone show him the visdeurbel (fish doorbell).

Daniel M Ford

Love to see the little scamp do well.

GruntyGinMan

I'm worried these Dolphins are basically like Nolan of the Internet

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Only intelligent animals can be so perverse. Except gorillas.

blair

SO GO ON AHEAD EAT SOME SHRIMP OR SOME BREAD IT'S A TRIUMPH FOR YOUR BODY WHEN YOU KEEP YOURSELF FED

Achewood

You are saying gorillas have not committed a crime. I think gorillas have committed a crime. I just can’t prove it.

blair

Survivorship bias in a nutshell: we hear about dolphins pushing distressed swimmers to shore because we don't hear from the ones that got pushed somewhere else.

Bungus Bronbo

For a moment there I assumed it was Ray and the boys in a dolphin costume

TaxoBob

"Dolphin “Fin Fact”: Dolphins keep breathing when they sleep! " Well yeah they're mammals not fish

Bruce Wright

Send the shrimp and scallops and stuff to Chris Onstad, who will know what to do with them. Especially the "stuff."

Achewood

I will magically convert them into stuff that is in my cat dish

Achewood

It’ll be heartbreaking when P get canceled for enjoying some dolphin-unsafe tuna

Achewood

Like to Raising Cane’s chicken fingers and toast

Nicholas Williams

I would absolutely have Zoom lunch with a dolphin. All me with Jersey Mike's, all the dolphin with a tarpon or crab. Both just laughin'.

Douglas Wykstra

I mean, given that Philippe is also a water mammal, albeit part-time, I imagine the dolphins are trying to fatten him up to eat him. At the very least, the sight of him housing some pizza slices tingles the same part of their brain that activates when they come across a young seal with a fish-tail sticking out of its mouth.

Achewood

Man this is wicked. I hope Dana keeps him out of the water. Stay tuned.

Stavro

That IS what Tony Hawk mainly does now

Nicholas Williams

That’s what they call me in the backyard wrestling leagues.

dmf 23

After the headline I was so relieved this wasn't about Nice Pete sponsoring Phillipe's newsletter I mean I'm sure it would have been hilarious and great but the prospect was giving me liquid viscera

Achewood

I guess we're all kind of lucky I forgot that Nice Pete has begun sponsoring The Philippe Times. Perhaps the next issue will be sponsored by Kiki, Duke, and Mēmu — the dolphin bunch.

Achewood

Sodium is always the heel. You must face off against Barry Banana, crowd favorite and known diuretic.

b.zap

I'd totally sponsor some hambroni right about now

Johnny Deans

Just hope Lyle doesn’t find the HydroTime… also, wasn’t this pretty much the plot of Day of the Dolphin?

A. Hamster

I think chimps have definitely committed crimes, including war crimes. The gorillas will claim they were just following orders.

Nicholas Williams

That loser withers before my excellent potassium, and he's like MADE of potassium. He cuts me with the hidden razor and I bleed Tart Cherry Juice. He's like "what the FUUU" and I hit him with a sack of sweet potatoes. Then I give a bouquet to a sentient bag of farro while my girlfriend, Charcuterie, gets all pissy in the stands. Classic face turn, but the kayfabe is hard to maintain.

EndgamerAzari

It's nice to occasionally see a Phillipe Event without any obvious signs of looming malice

J. Alex

HydroTime's actual purpose is to extract adorable data from their customers.

Achewood

It's never just nice and innocent any more, is it. Sigh. Next Philippe will be targeted with ads for international snuff clips. That's always the way it goes.

Achewood

Someone did posit the idea that the would try to visit them and would be mistreated. Apparently dolphins can have malice?

Achewood

Okay, I'll bite. What do you see Lyle doing with this technology, besides trying to dial up PornHub

Taylor

It’s good that dolphins keep breathing when they sleep, the salt water really messes up CPAP machines

Bungus Bronbo

See what you did there, Onstad? You went negative. Negative don't sell.

Achewood

DAMMIT. You're right. I missed the word "adorable" in the OP. The term for adorable data could be "QTmetrics"

2scrogz

I feel like Lyle would instead try to hold a laptop up in front of the screen to show PornHub to the dolphins. But this level of altruism from Lyle would require a level of drunkenness likely to impair his ability to hold the laptop steady, so I'm not sure the dolphins would really get a good idea of what they were seeing. (Please, please let it not be steady enough.)

Achewood

If Lyle had been a dolphin instead of a tiger, he wouldn’t be as effective at mooning people

Johnny Deans

I can think of many possibilities but they all end with a dolphin with an unfortunate stick and poke tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil and a recipe for toilet hooch.