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You assed, and I listened.

Long ago, I promised you the Dirtiest Dudes in Town, but aside from a few generously-spaced incidents, they've actually been pretty typical dudes.

Last week, however, people went wild for a strip about Ray putting a figurine of himself, up himself. Maybe you were not one of those people. You should have spoken up. Because I have decided, this week, to see Just How Dirty We Gonna Get This.

It's probably tame by modern standards, but to me it feels just so, so naughty. It feels wrong to be all Up That Zeitgeist.

Maybe I just need to loosen up.

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Files

Comments

Bruce Wright

Mr. Gary has some questions to answer.

Josh Egbert

Uhhhh, Panel 12 is a masterwork. From the expression to "too many things?" to the call back in Panel 15. An all-timer.

Achewood

It’s not Mr Gary’s fault Arthur contains such intense feelings

Daniel Burt

It's wonderful that it's understood there's a right and a wrong form of tongs for removing supposistories.

jordan b.

Ray's sincerity about nun lunch is killing me, along with Beef's absolute lack of facial expression. Also, what does Lyle's completed punch card earn him?

Nicholas Williams

I always knew we'd see the triumphant return of that construction worker...but not like this. Not like this.

Achewood

Well I mean the fireplace tongs could also pinch taint / tote

Brian Sutton

Roast Beef is having an awakening.

Achewood

on subsequent visits you get to use the newer skin rags

b.zap

Pat being an asshole about his asshole

Achewood

Spoken like a guy with met-my-uncle privilege

Dan Gibbins

I absolutely lost it on "That's my FRIEND, dude!" Your best pal DOES deserve the proper tongs.

Linus Lee

Thinking about how I'd respond if a REAL bud was all "I need you to stick this in your butt and let me film you."

Zen Window

The idea of Ray approaching the marketing of butt plugs to straight guys like it's just a matter of cribbing Dude Wipes' color palette and font choice is hilarious to me, because he very easily could fail hugely upward. He's sitting on a gold mine!

Jason S

"Suppository? Ain't that where nuns eat lunch?" Sweet Jesus. I'm dying. This is what death feels like. There is no clever/natural-seeming way to put this on merch, but it deserves its own monument, somehow. Also I work in healthcare and now every time I see this on a chart I'll think of you.

Achewood

It’s rough being the proof of concept cohort for a new buttplug enterprise

Zen Window

WHAT'S IN YOUR PRISON WALLET?

Brody

I first read that as "self-HEATING form of concrete" and the cringe I cringed.... (I mean, when I read it correctly it wasn't much better but yeah)

Achewood

We’re talkin straight catatonics

Ryan Boyle

New accessory line: Friend Tongs

A. C.

classic

Brody

"like sitting on a gold mine" is probably one of the unused marketing lines for the product

Achewood

There may have been some six hundos

Achewood

Every time you’re about to jam one up a patient, you can soothingly say, “this one’s for the nuns.”

Achewood

Cement is exothermic, that’s perfect!

Zen Window

That 12-parsec stare is perfection.

Achewood

They could have graduated-size silicone heads, for complicated retrievals

Achewood

Sorry everybody, that’s where I wondered if I went too far

Achewood

So much for Achewood as literature, this is now permanently a comic about the back side

Achewood

Thanks, it took some fussing to get those eye lines just right

Jarret Cooper

More like "next shirt design"...

Clench and Cheese

Leave it to Pat to take the fun out of everything.

Zen Window

Crying so hard he lost his plug has to be somewhere around A BLOO BLOO BLOO on the despair chart

Achewood

The flat-face plug, the El Capitan, they most joyless of plugs

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

A small flared base Ray for your butt seems like a more economical option than multiple therapy sessions with an alive person. An AI chatbot and the Butt Ray might be what all these fools need. (Wasn't Teodor the one who talked the dirtiest?)

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Arthur was born that way, but his upbringing did not help.

Achewood

I think he’s just in power save mode, completely on vagus override You know, it will never cease to amaze me people remember one panel from a quarter century ago

Jarret Cooper

Every business is a "Has Lid" to Ray...

Achewood

Yeah, and why is T on that side of the camera? You’d think he’d be first in line to Sit Upon A Ray

Achewood

Can’t figure out what was only twice, here, but also haven’t eaten yet

Achewood

Sigh…my life…at least folks are happy, but I’ll check the cancellation numbers

Jay Y

Imagining whatever wayward yet fabulous life Arthur led that got him to glom onto Mr. Gary as a savior figure. The man is something of an absentee landlord.

Amelia Hall

"Classic era Achewood" from the 2002-2008 era occupies a distinct place in my brain alongside my years in college. The prior work makes the lore of the characters super multifaceted. You don't need to know it to appreciate these strips now, but it adds a lot of depth - like we emphatically know Beef is not a Butt Stuff Guy, whereas Lyle regularly causes society to redefine "slut" in some new and perverted way.

Amelia Hall

This is really all to say: thanks for all of this Chris! You've made a really great strange universe, it's nice we get to visit regularly over so many years.

Douglas Wykstra

Now I'm picturing Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate going, "I'm a FAN of Arthur! I'm a humanist."

Jay Y

Underrated movie. Keanu Reeves and accents, never the twain shall meet, but Pacino loved what he was doing and it got good mileage out of its sparing use of visuals.

Lisa Taylor

Welp, that's certainly more *Analysis* than I was expecting before noon. And I'm a lawyer.

Mike Duquette

Did this strip have anyone else rewriting the imagined parameters of a Commodore?

Conor Nelson

Perfect situational onomatopoeia is a core Achewood competency

Shawn Warren

Seems inevitable that if this comic stuck around this long it would become completely focused on Men's Ass Health

Alex Schlesinger

Does Teodor always dress as Troy Harlem when working a camera or just when butt stuff is involved?

GruntyGinMan

I think he assumes butt stuff will be involved from here on out for him

Achewood

Damn. Solid detective work.

GruntyGinMan

Wonder if they asked Mr. Cropes. Maybe they were worried he would expound upon his Bible Fanfic

Jenn

Get the tongs 🤣

Thunk

Close up on Roast Beef Cut to the hyperspace scene from 2001 a space odyssey

Asherdan

You nailed it, man. You nailed character driven butt plug humour. I should make you a prize for it to go up next to that Ignatz.

Douglas Wykstra

No detective work needed; that comic bounces around my brain semi-regularly (though more for Ray's assertion that most rocks weigh about a pound).

Douglas Wykstra

California would lose six electoral votes before the authorities could successfully remove that figurine from Nice Pete's ass.

Douglas Wykstra

"DAMN, sucker! This figurine fits RIGHT up my dirt button! My prostate feels like it's got a Japanese chick walking on it with peaceful nature sounds!"

Achewood

Nobody ever contacts me about prizes any more. All that changes today. It all changes in the blink of an...ass

Achewood

Oh my god, it's full of plugs

Achewood

Nobody's going to want to make a classy cocktail with those any more

Achewood

I was wondering why he kept that shirt around

Achewood

All I know about the Commodore is that it takes patience and smells like Concord grape

Achewood

It's okay, all my grandparents have passed, I can be a real scuzz finally

Achewood

Ray's onto something. I'm not even trying to make an arc here, but it's happening.

Achewood

I just asked Gemini what the average rock weighs and it couldn't do it. I did learn that some rocks weigh 200 lbs though.

Achewood

I'm feeling some backstory for these guys coming on

Achewood

The old reliable "Ray actually says some pretty weird shit to his mom" gag

Achewood

Man that would be an amazing Benny Hill fast-motion sketch

Achewood

"What's...what's my ass all ABOUT, s-s-sucker?" [sobs, falls into therapists's outstretched arms]

tossrock

You either die a hero, or live long enough to become worried about your prostate.

Shawn Ritchie

the fuckin beef panels, god damn... "too many things?"

FactWino

The FIFA Prize for Character-Driven Buttplug Humor

kdusjjdhxksj

I do not like that I look at Beef with that look on his face and think "oh, that's me, that's who I am"

kdusjjdhxksj

In my head, Teodor is not a guy who is often asked to do things, so Ray wanted to give him a task as a favor and Teodor woke up at six in the morning to get ready for a three o'clock appointment

kdusjjdhxksj

Yeah it's like how you know your buddy of 30 years hates the smell of lavender and had a grandfather that played the oboe. It's not germane to anything, you may not even know why you know it, you just have a box in your brain's closet full of odds and ends they left around over the years that you never discarded. It's a special relationship that ends up like that

Achewood

Beef’s keister might be a kind of emotional Pandora’s box. Look what it did to Arthur.

Achewood

That’s why we’re all here, bud

rickward

I always figured Ray got his business smarts from Sondra and not Ramses.

2scrogz

I think Lyle's just in it for the love of the game (and the weed money.) He seems like his tastes in porn might go beyond the realm of what's available at the facility. Like, does the Semenary even have Hole magazine?!

2scrogz

Not seen it called out here, but I LOL'd at the seeming non-sequitur of "I never met my uncle."

Achewood

So much for teaching children decency

Achewood

That was my favorite part of the last two strips. I’m glad somebody noticed it.

Achewood

A friend who is a doctor has assured me that if we live long enough, we all get prostate cancer. This is why it’s good to use a plug and block the cancer from getting in.

Jason S

Oh, no no no. I do lungs and lung-adjacent things only. But I can absolutely imagine ICU RNs of my acquaintance using "IT'S TIME FOR THE NUNS TO EAT LUNCH" as code for a constipated patient. I need to find a nurse and make them read this strip.

Sedric and Charlie

I too have an uncle I have never met. Perhaps I too need to tell my SupposiStory™

Gregory Sheets

Ah, but it’s actually where you go exactly too far enough!

Achewood

This is true; Lyle's tastes in porn must evolve pretty rapidly to keep up with his pace of trying new weird stuff out, getting bored with it, and needing a different high. Maybe he's moved on to like "jazzercise opaque tights with barf stains" etc, you know what I'm talking about bro

Achewood

IT'S TIME FOR THE NUNS TO EAT LUNCH I don't even need to have a reply, that is just a great sentence to repeat

Brian Horstead

This might be the best strip since the golden years

Achewood

Turns out people want the raw laffs about the body parts, and not an old bear contemplating mortality for 350 literary words. I could have told me this, I suppose...

Jay Y

The bear has some zingers though. "Fuck along now?" "Welcome to the only game in town?" I'm also into the literary words but hey, Shakespeare, Chaucer, and Dante did fart jokes, it's cool.

Jarret Cooper

Lyle would stir your coffee with them for an extra buck

Jarret Cooper

by now I guess he's completely ruined his copy of Completely Ruined Junk #28

Jarret Cooper

(I googled to get the right issue number, which is pretty anal. Everything rhymes)

Jenn

Ooh la la!

Achewood

Oh he’ll always get his moments. But they will be minor punctuation in this comic that is only dirty now.

Achewood

Some of that junk is just in *ribbons*

Jason S

It gets even funnier when you know that I work at a Catholic ministry.

Lowell Jones

I predict a limited-edition silicone Ray "figurine" appearing in merch. "For internal use only"

Oppido

Listen, anyone can make a butt joke, and most people have. But quality and execution are everything. Otherwise, all us Chos would be as devoted to, say, "Brickleberry" as we are to the 25-year Achewood project. And I suspect most of us aren't?

zaratustra

so as i understand fentanyl doesn't make you feel anything, it just blanks you out for the duration so yeah

Oppido

As one-off Achewood characters go, that construction worker has really had a long afterlife in my memory. Any time the world affords me some very minor dignity, I hear "If mama could see me now."

Oppido

If we're talking about perfect situational onomatopoeia, "faaack" has to be up there on the Rushmore.

b.zap

This is so ... unnnnnh ... canon!

Achewood

Having beef participate felt like a stretch (ahem) but perhaps he considered himself the one would could actually benefit most. Plus Molly saints either that or a trial separation.

Achewood

Do not DARE use this figurine externally!

Achewood

Well, I had never heard of Brickleberry before now, but given this setup and the description I read, I suspect I will leave it alone.

Achewood

Man is that sad. The best part of being high is feeling awesome, but, just wanting not to exist…I get that, especially being so familiar with that scene here in Portland, but fortunately cannot say it sounds appealing.

Achewood

Where did faaack get uttered?

Achewood

A sandwich…/made-to-order!/

Nicholas Williams

What, in your mind, did Dog Penis Medicine taste like.

b.zap

the middle cat is a dogg's dogg

Oppido

That was the air (I guess) blowing through Todd's shredded larynx. Third-to-last panel in this one: https://achewood.com/2016/08/26/title.html Strange now to think there was a long, erudite Todd in there all along.

Achewood

Imagine the best flavor you ever had, then add the aroma of a freshly-unsealed children’s pool float.

Achewood

Man, that strip could have been five days of strips if I’d split it up. If I were comfortable believing people wouldn’t just give up on it. (People did not give up on newspaper comics, despite them offering nothing in return; why must I deny what works)

Wizeman

"Not Found The requested URL was not found on this server." :( :(