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Assetbar Archive: Ray and Beef's Oscar-Worthy Basketball Game (pdf) (Patreon)

Published:
2023-08-12 17:01:00
Edited:
2023-08-12 19:20:33
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

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Content

This long-forgotten and tense piece by Ray describes the time he had to rely on Beef to play basketball with, as all his actual athletic friends were out of town. (Completists will reflect and agree that Leo Fontanette, though possessed of fantastic thighs, would have been shit at basketball due to his cigarette habit. Also, Leo Fontanette died in 2006.)

I updated the layout a bit for publishing here. Completists will note that I was still not using color this successfully in 2010.

Thanks to Patreon supporter JAY WILLIAMS for providing me with his godsend of a carefully-preserved Assetbar archive! Jay, perhaps sensing that I am not a Dude of Data Hygiene, had saved all the Assetbar material, and now we can all enjoy it once again (because much of it was lost over time, at least on my end, over the courses of my many moves and Problems). Everybody who sees this paragraph, please thank Jay—a true completist—in the comments!   

Files

Comments

Scott Hansen

big props to Jay the Savior of the Archive

Jake McIntyre

Has it really been 17 years since we lost Leo? Where, oh where, have all the flowers gone?

Omurice

Thanks, Jay, for being the Archivist of the Assetbar.

braap

pop POP

KTB

Jay is a hero of the times.

Kyle McCowin

Still crossing my fingers that we'll get to see the Serializer content soon

Amy Lewis

Hooray for Jay for bringing us Ray! Jay is so old-school, I’m remembering it in cursive.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

TYSM Jay, you rock. "Hidden Despair Still Casts Shadows" sounds like it should be in phase 3 of Everywhere at the End of Time. Jesus Beef, what the hell.

Achewood

The Serializer/Webcomics Nation stuff is in the queue!

Shawn Clark

Thank you, JAY WILLIAMS, a true Dude of Data Hygiene, who does not seem to have suffered as much from moves and Problems as Onstad has.

Vijnananath

Jay, a Knucklehead from Old Times looking out for fellow knuckleheads.

Walter Biggins

Thank you, Jay! Also, at my funeral, I want one of my friends to say, “he was so old-school, I’m remembering it in cursive.”

Nikhil Brocchini

This will sound made up, but I swear it is true: this morning I was lying in bed wondering if roast beef was good at basketball, and mentally reviewing all basketball-related strips (lyle kicks it, offscreen game with emeril while Pat is coming out, damon and affleck). Then I check my email and voila! Nutty.

Ed C.

Thank you Jay!

Andrew Derho

Thank you, Jay. May your tribe increase.

Jay Williams

Man, why y’all even got to do a thing? The sheer joy that Onstad and the gang had brought me over the years had to be preserved- all I did was hit command+S a bunch and store it in iCloud! Happy to have played my minuscule role in preserving the Finest of Art for all you knuckleheads. And I am proud to be remembered in cursive!!

Micah I Thomas

A nod and raise of the glass towards Jay

FLON

I look heavenwards, serenely close my eyes and thank Jay.

A Cloth Map

I was thinking about Leo Fontanette the other day. Why would he hate someone complimenting him? I wonder if it was insecurities or maybe it was an unspoken gym rule of dudes.

Patrick Goussy

"If you were a contemporary paperback in the self-healing genre, which you are, you would be titled, Hidden Despair Still Casts Shadows." OK so I remember a line extremely similar to this, but it was something like "contemporary Japanese fiction" and "House of Urine and Shadows" instead. Am I an insane person, or did you tweak the text before uploading it here, or did Beef use the same template to generate different insults on multiple occasions?

Achewood

Your memory astounds. I edited this to decrease the Achewood universe's general reliance upon the peepee and the poopoo and the dingaling stuff, which you will agree is already in such abundance as to nearly pop the keep in two. This is also a stronger dis on Ray, which I always enjoy. (Did you have those initial lines memorized, or do you have a reference copy saved in email, etc?)

Patrick Goussy

Haha, I can't take too much credit for remembering! Way back when, I used that line in a Facebook status, but of course I did not cite my sources. So when it resurfaced in my FB Memories years later, I was like "where the hell did this come from?? it's too clever for me to have written myself" and someone in the Cho-sphere reminded me that it was from an Assetbar thing! FWIW, in case there's anything *not* preserved in Jay's archive, I'm pretty sure there was a thread in A:AMDOTRTTG where folks were copy-pasting text posts that they'd saved from the Assetbar days...

Doctor Link

Jay Williams, you have the same name as an old boss of mine (Are you him? Do you love cigarettes and Slayer?), but thank you for your service.

Charlie Soeder

thanks for the archiving Jay! I always thought checking the ball was literally checking the ball, ie making sure both players agree its bounce is satisfactory and whatnot

jacob moore

Roast Beef is sort of like an experimental Kevin Garnett

Dusty Lee

Thank you Jay! Assetbar may have been the only purely beneficial website I ever experienced.

Justin

I loved this -- thank you Jay for the oddly benevolent twist of fate that rescued it from the abyss (twists of fate mainly suck ass, so exceptions are welcome)