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Sourcebook: Pandamonium (Patreon)

Published:
2020-03-24 05:12:24
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:
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Content

Have at thee.

Files

Previews only

Comments

Karl Maurer

"..A FALL WOULD PROVED NEARLY FATAL," That should be PROVE.

Karl Maurer

While I could quibble about some additional punctuation, such as "...FAMILY OF THREE WERE ATTACKED AND PANDORA WAS ALMOST TAKEN. THIS CONVINCED..." Or some other such rearrangement. It's not vital, though, as that part reads okay as it is with out the period and with THAT rather than this. It also could be 'THIS EVENT CONVINCED...'

Shawn Savage

Great Job! Can't wait to see more,

MountainGoat
>>34112888

'were' should probably be 'was'. It's a tricky one, but a "family of three" is a singular thing and not a plural thing. A family is a singular unit, linguistically. I would try ... "It was during one of these trips that the family of three was attacked and Pandora was almost taken that convinced her father to train her in the arts of self defense."

MountainGoat

"swordmanship" is typo'd, should be "swordsmanship"

MountainGoat

Those last couple of sentences under "origin" have a lot of 'would'. I think it would read a little better if the last sentence was: "Thankfully, her powers kicked in for the first time, saving her life."

MountainGoat

"The more she knows about the victim's anatomy, the faster she can heal them." <-- missing comma and "them" on the end there.

MountainGoat

And that's it from me. Looking good :)

Karl Maurer
>>34112888

You are likely right. I'd still be tempted to turn it into two sentences. :)