part two of the trip! (Patreon)

Hejhej!! I want to start off by saying Joyfriend ordered pizza for breakfast and that's kind of a big deal for me and it was amazing haha. Later that evening we had pizza leftover and watched a movie together, so nice 😭💗!

I hope you're doing well! I want to tell you a bit about part two of my last trip + some reflections!

I'm currently packing for TwitchCon - I'm just a tiny bit nervous! Doing this multi-stop trip so recently certainly helped.

Joyfriend and I kept saying that everything we did was to celebrate our one year anniversary (since we were apart from each other on the actual date), so it felt like one big celebration.

We went to see cute animals - who seemed very happy and relaxed (I get nervous whether their home will be too small and not stimulating enough - but this place was great). My favourites were the artic fox, lynx, eyelash snake and bear! 💗😊 ALSO, we ended up with a beautiful sunny day, with lilacs and bird-cherry trees blooming and sharing their sweet scent.

So I'll have to say the best thing about it all was walking hand in hand around the trees and animals.

sigh

Okay, I'll stop being so mushy now haha! I just had a wonderful time and I can't believe I get to do things like this now - and be so well supported through all my fears and anxieties. Joyfriend is spontaneous and easy going, which naturally supports my tendency to lean too far into control and order haha! He encourages me to be my silly, whimsy, free self 😭 how nice!

right

I said I was going to stop being mushy haha!

I mentioned in the last post wanting to talk about being in a hetero-presenting relationship as a bisexual. Before, I was nervous about people assuming things about me, but I feel like everything has aligned in such perfect timing.

I recently had to learn to come to terms with people misunderstanding and misjudging me. I had some people in our community (who aren't in our community anymore) that got me all wrong. Not about my sexuality, but my character! I almost broke in half bending myself to fit and please others, and oh all the time spent trying to explain myself or apologise when I had no reason to! I accepted way too much and I was struggling to let go because it felt so dangerous to be misunderstood and disregarded.

Just many different shades of people pleasing.

And for what?

I want people in my life who assume the best about me, and who respect and accepts everything that I am. It's not our responsibility how others will perceive us, and we definitely don't need other people to define us. Perhaps I don't even need to define myself.

I don't feel less queer being with a man because that was always part of my bisexuality too (the timing was immaculate here too because I had just properly landed in my love for women haha)!But then there's also settings, however sad it makes me feel to say, where I feel safer in public than I would if I was holding a woman's hand. Relieved that my queer-ness is hidden? And other places when I see a pride flag I squeal in excitement saying: "A pride flag!!! I'm welcome here!!". And in a more intimite setting I can chuckle at my boyfriend embracing and loving me for who I am, responding to my comment about the movie with: "right, I forgot you're a "boob"-girl" (lovingly).

It's messy and complicated, but I'm happy that the people close to me know me as well as they can, and I have settled in some sort of trust that the people that matter will accept me for who I am and know my intentions are pure, even when I mess up.

What are your thoughts on people (strangers and friends) assuming something falsely about you? Does it/would it make you wobble? Have you ever adjusted yourself so much for someone it started to hurt?

I believe I've arrived at a: "it's okay that not everyone gets me and I can't give myself away to everyone, but I always want to make an effort with those who are close to me." 💛

Some people may think I'm straight, and that's fine but what a shame, and some people might think I didn't care about them, and that hurts but I can only do my best. And some people will want to change me, but it will be at the expense of, well, me.

You know what I think it is - if I believe I can control other people's perceptions and actions, then I am be safer!

So by accepting that I can't - and shouldn't try to - control others, I'm setting myself free into the scary dangeous fun unknown again. (Puhh it always comes back to the unknown, it's almost like the "unknown" is the root of much anxiety for many of us.)

To quote a famous ice queen... Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go....

Into the unknown!!!

Thanks for reading and connecting. 💗 I'm trying to grow more audacity, hoping it'll help me with my anxiety online and offline. A calm audacity... yea I like that.

Love youuu~/joy