"if you really want something - let it go" (Patreon)

I'm currently holding on to a very comforting hot cup of chocolate listening to a lonely piano play a sentimental melody. It's 10 pm, rain falling heavily against my window and I'm smiling writing this because I know, had past me known this she would have cried of relief. 

Last week when I shared pain with Cipher he said to me: "you're not uncomfortable because you never take care of your wounds, you're uncomfortable because you're in the process to heal yourself."

And I know this is true, because in my experience, whenever it matters most, that's when we feel it the most too. I knew, coming here alone and leaving everything behind meant the world, that's also why it tore me apart. 

It's taken me about 9 weeks but it finally hit me yesterday that I live here now, that this is my new home. Which is weirdly lonely and liberating at the same time. Cipher and I would have celebrated three years together last Monday and it feels awful being oceans apart. But I know that this time for me right now is more important than I can ever fully conceptualise. I'm healing in ways I thought I never would and I'm learning, time and time again, to let go.

My grandmother, mormor, always made me (the best) hot chocolate, so I think of the warmth she gave when I sip this sweet drink, and how proud I am to have gone from being too scared to have breakfast to drinking something so lovely late into the evening. I've accepted that she can't make it for me anymore, but instead I can reach out to make one for myself to create comfort when needed.

I've been talking for months about wanting to come back to music but I think I've been looking at it from the wrong end. I've been holding on to it so tightly I've been suffocating it. The idea of losing music forever fills me with unbearable pain, so I know I need to let go. Soften and let it come to me instead. Shift my perspective. Because as long as that fear gets to decide, I'm pushing what I want away. So I learn, again, to let go.

What would help you to let go of?

I hope this little heart to heart love letter reaches you well. I hope in the process of healing my heart and body I can open up in ways that will not only help me breathe more fully, but help guide you through moments when you struggle to breathe yourself. I hope to start that "breathing with joy" project this year to make meditations, bedtime stories and even yoga videos for you. I hope I can help you let go when you need it.

It's time to let go of everything that isn't serving you. Let go of everything that you cling on to too tightly. Let go of everything you feel paralyzed by the thought of losing. Let go and you will feel your lungs expand, your eyes widen and your body soften.

Lots of love,~Joy