disharmony to harmony (Patreon)

Hi there 🌻

You may (or may not - that's also okay) have noticed a glimpse of my inner emotional turmoil lately, especially if you have spent time with me on stream.

I kept looking for "when things calm down", but soon remembered that there will always be one more thing. 

There is a disharmony between my old lifestyle and the shift I am making. Reading, writing, therapy, spending time with nature - even exploring embroidery for the first time! I was adding, but not taking much away, and filled myself with guilt when I could not keep up. I was heading towards collision by refusing to let go of my past path. There is simply not enough time or energy for us to do it all, at least not without breaking. It is a privilege when we are able to choose.

So, now I try to to slow down.

I am looking at my pile of dishes and realising it's not sustainable for me to "not have enough time" to care for my external environment. It is too important to me. Just like relationships. I sacrificed all personal relationships in the name of my vision. Perhaps most destrimental though, I abandoned myself. My health, my wellbeing, the idea of pressure-free fulfilment and pleasure. It was all left behind, forgotten but not faded. 

I am not mad at myself for having done so, it was the only way I knew. 

I need to adjust some things, I am not sure how yet, but I know it will be an improvement for what I can offer to our Meadow as well because of how the reflection of my wellbeing shines on what I do. 

I want to be bold enough to loosen my grip a bit and trust that it will still work out.

The more I pushed myself to post music every week, the more strain developed. Posting did no longer come from a place of passion (though the music did), instead from an internal pressure to "keep everything up!". Fanhouse content, stream, get back to youtube, dms, people pulling me in different directions, cats meowing, undone charity redemptions, physical pain, paperwork, dirty floors, hunger.. I would show up to stream in a bad mood and feel frazzled and frustrated for not being able to do what I "should" be able to.

I'm no expert, but I would think that this kind of stressed energy gets picked up by you, subconsciously or actively (my cats teach me this). And that is not the type of energy I want to share with you. I want to offer comfort, ease and inspiration. 

To move with balance.

A slow pace allows me to see things more clearly, and choose what has to go, and what gets to stay. I am grateful there is so much I want to do. But I also need to listen to that voice telling me what I should let go of.

I want to update our tiers a bit, for more clarity and less guilt. Because when I allow inspiration to flow (instead of pushing and forcing), everything sounds better. I want to update the names, to let them sing with our community name: "The Meadow". Different kinds of flowers? Landscapes? Nature phenomena? I would love to hear your suggestions. 

I want to create from a space of love, inspiration and honesty. I think that is the way to create more of that too.

There will be more music, but I need to figure out how to play in harmony again. 😌

and, because I'm a jazz musician, I will of course make a point that the dissonant notes were important to spice up this long, complicated and beautiful song, called life. 

See you soon my friend �~Joy