A terrible thing to do (Patreon)

On Monday I posted the following grisly document to Bad Machinery dot com:

While on the one hand this is a page of absolutely tremendous jokes and fun, it is also a page containing a significant number of stories that I recently swept into the bin. And a few that the passing of time make less and less likely to happen. For the benefit of the kind of person that this sort of information drives up the wall, I thought it might be interesting to talk about them briefly. So you can sleep tonight.

As I think I have written here before, the question isn't whether I can finish a project - i can write my way through anything at this point - it's whether John the writer should commit John the artist to it.

None of these stories have been scripted, let alone pages drawn. But all have significant pages of notes, bits of dialogue, some have completed breakdowns.

BAD MACHINERY: THE CASE OF THE GO-KART CONSPIRACYThis story has been around in various forms for seven or eight years. After the Bad Machinery reunion in Solver, I dug it out again to see if it would work. It was immense fun to draw Shauna, Claire, Lottie and Blossom back together as band (a reunion to play a festival upon invitation), and to work out a new mystery for the original six to solve. But it would have been really long, a year of work to draw at least. I wasn't that enthusiastic about it. A bit of a trap.

DESTROY HISTORY: PUDDING LANEShelley's Great Fire of London story was briefly considered but it involved an astonishing amount of research. The outfits, and the necessity to draw endless conflagrations. This one was never a runner.

GREAT BRITISH BUMP OFF: HOLD EM OR FOLD EMIt's three and a half years since Dark Horse asked me to write a new GBBO series (the second just took a year to come out after we finished it, which is why it still seems quite contemporary), so I am not sitting by the phone waiting for the call. The third book would have centred around origami, and uncovered the mystery of Linton's hidden and secret girlfriend (she's not Japanese, she doesn't even like origami). The climax of the story is one of the best and most stupid ideas I have ever had.

IT'S THE NINETIES, GET USED TO ITI've had a few looks at the pilot I drew in 2024 since it ran. There are several issues' worth of ideas for it, but I never quite worked out the central mystery. It's a classic Lost, the whole thing is a MacGuffin, it's a sandbox to play in first and a mystery second. No matter what I decide actually happened, it won't be good enough for everyone. Or perhaps anyone!

ROUND & ROUND & ROUNDThis was a long-mooted roller derby story for Lottie, Mildred and Blossom. It was quite close to going ahead but I couldn't drum up much enthusiasm for, how to put this the roller derby element of the story. No side to lovers of the sport, I just didn't feel any personal connection to it. It was a demented tale, even without the roller derby. In its earliest form it was about a 5-a-side football tournament involving vampires.

SOLVER 19 aka HOWL OWL HOWLThis was a story where, in the absence of Lottie (who is deeply involved with roller derby), new lovers Claire and Glenn have to rescue failing football club "Sheffield Sheffield" (sic). I couldn't seem to write it without it involving a lot business meetings, huge groups of people (endless crowd scenes!) and complex stadium architecture. Which is a shame because Claire and Glenn's club-saving ideas were very zen and beautiful. So I just posted them to the actual beleaguered Sheffield Wednesday FC and within weeks they had been rescued.

Solver in its current form has now concluded. It did the job it had to do. Volume 1 got Lottie out of her slump, volume 2 resolved the old Wicked Things cliffhanger and gave Claire and Glenn a little time to shine. I've said all I have to say about Sheffield. That is not to say that it will not return... in a new and worrying incarnation.

STEEPLEIf Steeple on Webtoon had properly gone gangbusters, there was a chance of a revival, and obviously I have ideas about what would follow that horrible "final" issue. There are actually two versions of that - one which is a full Solver crossover (ludicrous and unmanageable) and one that isn't - continuity Steeple if you like. The latter was the more likely, though Lottie would have been tapped remotely to help free Mrs Clovis (or not - who knows!) regardless. Steeple on Webtoon has not gone gangbusters yet. Everyone I speak to about it loves Steeple. I'm sorry it ended that rather downbeat way. But something being good doesn't necessarily mean having to make more of it.

WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF SOLVERSThis is to Solver as Savage Sword of Susan is to Giant Days. It's exactly what you'd expect. Ephemeral. The pilot issue breakdown did have Dean Thompson as a sort of puffed-up knight, that was the best bit of it.

SAVAGE SWORD OF SUSANCould Savage Sword of Susan return? Again, I'm not sure I'd want to draw it - I'd like to see someone with the skills to pay the bills really pay off the sword and sorcery part of it. I threw everything at the first one (not to mention, three issues of Conan Groban) and it was a stretch. But I could write 50 issues of this. It virtually writes itself!

WEREWOLF & SONWerewolf and Son is very popular with my nearest and dearest. It's exactly what you'd think it would be, the Brian from Steeple spinoff. But while it's a good idea, I'm not sure it's a comic I'd want to draw myself, it needs a certain amount of "oomph" if you know what I mean. Max Sarin really wants to draw it. Here's Max's werewolf (sans son). It will remain a beautiful dream.

So there you are. Rest easy, friend. Your pal Johnny writes a lot of rubbish down in his notebook. He doesn't mean any harm.