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This month, we're happy to bring you the most requested secular bonus episode since Cats, Zack Snyder's very own "As Close to Star Wars As I Can Get Without Getting Sued."

Comments

Markus D

NGL, I genuinely don't know anything about this movie and when people talked about it I got it confused with "Black Moon Rising", a published Reylo fanfiction that I only know about from Jenny Nicholson, so I kind of thought that people were accusing Snyder of making a movie out of a bad fanfic, but like... VERY LITERALLY.

Caldwell

> cat head presses Bonding Boops 😸

Taylor Putnam

I know this is a minor point, but a bushel is not just like, a bundle of wheat that you can make any arbitrary size. It's an actual unit of measurement, originally of weight (64 pounds and some change, later 56 when england abandoned the Tower pound) and these days of volume (4 pecks or 8 dry gallons).

Aesurah

I don't think Synder should be worried about Lucasfilm, Its Games Workshop that'll hunt him down. Mechanicus is their thing for 40k. much cooler looking, less blushy. Way more fascist.

Caldwell

my first thought when I saw nemesis's sword was actually 40k power sword, not star wars lightsaber

Markus Nävergård

"stay where you are citizen, an inquisitor of the god emperors holy inqusition will have a converstation with you"

Markus Nävergård

i confused this with the movie, Jupiter rising. or what it was called

Markus Nävergård

bet Zack Znyder is one of those guys that do not get that warhammer 40k is supposed to be satire. Also i think the planet is supposed to be Charon, ( pronounced Kharon) the ferryman of the dead

Starshark

Off topic. But back in the 90s, Marvel and DC were scrambling to come up with Punisher-type characters who don't compromise their principles and kill their foes. One of the worst ones was created by Tom DeFalco in a Thor comic. He* was... ...BLOODAXE! *Okay, it turns out in a TWIST that BLOODAXE is a SHE! But I didn't know that until I checked because I stopped reading shortly after she was introduced.

Aaron Holmes

So many 40k ripoffs in this movie, almost more than star wars

CarrieBoo

OK so I finally went to watch this now that there's a GAM to listen to afterwards. O M G W T F? I almost got up to get a notepad to write down every franchise Snyder was ripping off here...but I got a whiskey instead. Wasn't strong enough for feral robot at the end. I just lost it.

CajunRoyalty

I watched this movie the day after release and I seriously have no memory of it whatsoever. My brain cannot recall the scenes they are talking about. All I remember is 2 hours of “something is about to happen”.

Altinia Holdings Inc

Eli don’t let them gaslight you! The robot totally shot the guy in the hostage scene.

Scott Lesch

I like a good Phineas Gage reference .

J. Vizzle

A movie with Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy guy) in it can't be all bad.

CarrieBoo

Robot totally shot from the hip.

Shut up Wesley!

Hey your resident military listener here. The climatic fight at the end where the guy spikes a pole thru that window of that space craft is just absurd. Ballistic windows, which a military craft would have are crazy thick and resilient. Me and 3 other soldiers took turns hitting an already cracked ballistic window from a MRAP with a 8lb sledgehammer to no effect. He would have bounced off that window and fell to his death.

Shut up Wesley!

Also the robot absolutely shot the guy. He just did so from the hip, while holding the gun in a way that a normal human would not be able to effectively aim from. That's why he freaked out and ran afterwards. The truth is, that robot is the MOST interesting character. He is clearly fucking sentient. Warbots that are functionally immune to small arms fire with crazy aim are also self aware and just choosing not to fight anymore as a group? What is going on with that? Instead we follow that lame band of misfits.

Shut up Wesley!

Also I clocked a lot of Warhammer 40k vibes from the movie.

Jay Reynolds

The weapons being used aren't laser guns. They are shooting plasma bolts as shown by the plasma splashing onto the walls when hitting things. So a magazine actually makes sense. Y'all disappoint me sometimes. Many films are bad enough without deliberately misrepresenting a plot point to riff for ten minutes on a plot point that isn't part of the text of the movie.

Markus Nävergård

there was a real person with the name Bloodaxe. Eric Bloodaxe was a viking berserker, but it fitted because he usually had a bloody axe. also Blood axe sounds like a weapon you get in a RPG

Sean Young

I think we got your old MRAP lol

Denise Huston

The delivery of, "You don’t have a skronkle? Really?" is STELLAR.

Uriah Jackson

Sadly, it might have been better if he used that instead of Seven Samurai for his story.

Uriah Jackson

Linkara covered that character once.

Uriah Jackson

I honestly think the Roger Corman movie that was a Star Wars knockoff based on Seven Samurai: Battle Beyond the Stars, was better. At least it managed a complete story in one movie.

Julie Wine&Reason

When Eli pointed out how much better the slave bet was done in The Phantom Fucking Menace, I gasped allowed in horror. I'm so happy I won't be watching this movie.

Markus D

At least you wouldn't have a GREAT extant piece of media to compare it to!

Markus D

Close: it's Jupiter Ascending. I often forget that that movie exists, but I do think it's notable for Eddie Redmayne hamming the FUCK out of his role as the villain.

Markus D

If we are thinking of the same guy (Norwegian king) that was at least just a nickname and not his legitimate full name, which was Eric Haraldsson.

Markus D

What if you tried to get a metal spike through the already cracked part? Not saying that that's what happened in the movie, you just made me curious.

Markus D

The robot also actually looks kind of cool. I'm SHOCKED that he didn't go on the journey with the main character, but maybe that was too much for the effects budget.

Markus D

I'm sorry, is one of the guys really named Turok? Like the dinosaur hunter? Did Zack just not use ANY original idea in this movie?

Markus D

Now I'm just confused by plasma splashing on walls after you shoot it. I'd get it if we're talking about blood plasma, but the state of matter is an ionized gas, not some kind of liquid.

Jay Reynolds

SciFi is less than consistent about how different plasma looks. The main point is the weapons do not shoot lasers but rather project pulses of some substance. SciFi usually calls these weapons plasma rifles.

Seth Swanson

You guys didn't point out that, during the scene where they meet the "rebels", Kora gives her big speech to convince them...but that doesn't convince him. He has to go over to the Han Solo rip-off and look at him in the eyes for five seconds before nodding and going "I understand now" before THEN giving HIS speech. I had to watch this movie for my own podcast ... I hate Zack Snyder so much.

Shut up Wesley!

This window was cracked by an explosive from a 155mm artillery round. That's why it was in the junk yard to begin with. So any damage significant enough to weaken the window that badly would likely have made the need to drive a spear into it pointless.

Markus Nävergård

wanna bet he himself came up with Bloodaxe? "guys i came up with a sweet nickname"

Markus Nävergård

Zack is a edgy 12 year old that just makes movies with all the toys from various franchises and video games he owns

Markus D

That is 100% the impression I get from this movie.

AK

I was planning on watching with friends and playing a drinking game - one shot for every ripoff. Thankfully I heard this episode first, or we would all have died from alcohol poisoning in the first ten minutes.

CarrieBoo

Oh yea. Deadly drinking game for sure.

Dread Pirate Buttercup

So right after it came out I watched some of this ridiculousness right before falling asleep and thought I dreamt the whole thing. Then I started listening to this episode on the way home from work and about had to pull over because I was so freaked out.

Dread Pirate Buttercup

Jupiter Ascending is one of my favorite bad movies. 😂 Eddie’s voice makes me laugh every time he comes on screen.

Another Craig

Right?? Pity he didn't include a cyborg t-rex! Also, it really, really sounded like he ripped off the spider woman from Dark Souls...

Markus D

I don't think Quelaag was even created in a time when half-spider-ladies were necessarily an original idea, though that doesn't make Snyder look any better as he decided to make one of his aliens, which could've looked like ANYTHING, into a fairly common dark-fantasy creature.

Markus D

I'm not familiar with that being the term for a gun that shoots anything liquid, but I guess we can agree on "not lasers". Still, I don't feel nearly as incensed about the guys going off on a small point like this, though it did kind of bother me anyway as "reloading energy cells" isn't an unusual science fiction thing when the weapons ARE lasers or something similar (though that's more common in games where ammo is a gameplay mechanic; movies can more easily get away with making something more sustainable instead of insisting on detailed character resource management.

chillithid

Effects nothing. They only had Sir Anthony for a long afternoon, and could not promise him any fun "location vacations"

Parlan Stuart

Battle Beyond the Stars was far superior to this drek.

Jason

Justice for Eli! He was right about the robot shooting, and he was also right about the paralyzing bolt gun

Morten Worsøe Schoubye

The sequel is out. The Scargiver it’s apparently called. Pleaaaseee say we will get a breakdown of this discount Star Wars atrocity continuation too.

Diskgrinder

This movie is a bug’s life, but shite

This-is-a-text-message

I was with them on team 'YEAH look at these stupid sci-fi names!" But then I remembered my favorite series of all time has 'Duncan Idaho' as a character and CHOOSES TO KEEP HIM LIVING FOR EVERY BOOK