ASliceofAlanNSFW

I got the full NSFW ones too just wasn’t sure if that’s fully allowed here lol

A Geroge Carlin inspired joke/rant for laughs

You ever try dating these days? Feels like I accidentally signed up for a subscription service.

Every other girl on Tinder has ‘link in bio.’ I click it—OnlyFans.
Like, sweetheart, I came here looking for a date, not a fucking payment plan.
I didn’t swipe right to join your Patreon tier list.

And they’ll message you—‘If you subscribe, maybe we can go out sometime.’
Oh, maybe? Maybe?!
I’d rather go to a strip club, at least there I get eye contact, a song and some goddamn stage lighting.
Live shows are better than streaming services, I don’t care what anyone says.
At least when the stripper takes my money, she doesn’t pretend she’s changing the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I got no problem with sex work. Make your money.
But don’t call it empowerment if you’re just shaking it for Wi-Fi tips.
That’s not feminism, that’s capitalism with ring lights.

And every dude on those apps is a mess too.
You got gym bros with bios like ‘God first, grind second.’
Buddy, you’re wearing a tank top in December—you already broke both commandments.

But back to OnlyFans—some of these girls treat it like it’s spiritual.
‘My content helps men heal.’
Yeah, from what, blood pressure?
If you really wanna help men heal, teach ‘em taxes or how to cook a fucking vegetable.

You ever scroll through your feed and realize we invented the internet, a tool that can hold all human knowledge—and we’re using it to send ten dollars to people who say ‘Good morning, king’?
I don’t need validation that bad. I need rent money and quiet.

And every time I say that, someone jumps in like, ‘You’re just jealous!’
No, I’m nostalgic.
I miss when seduction involved effort, not a promo code.
When you actually met people, not their Paywall Edition.

Modern dating’s like a buffet where every tray’s empty and someone’s still charging you for a plate.
It’s lonely, it’s ridiculous, and deep down, we all know it.
But we keep swiping because hope is a hell of a drug—and the first hit was free.