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two poems (Patreon)

Published:
2023-10-08 10:00:03
Edited:
2025-02-06 19:30:56
Imported:
2023-10
Tags:

Content

hello! a couple poems for you. i finished the first in new york very inspired by the likes of hera lindsay bird's self-titled hera lindsay bird and molly brodak by molly brodak. the second one is a sonnet-ish for my cat named bugYou’re a good man Savannah BrownI do not want to die at all. There’ssomething not quite right. In yet anothercity I have yet another important conversationborn from centuries of documentedthought, kick up expired orange embersof someone else’s fire. I’m going to turnonto my back. Outside I notice walking,apathy, stupid beauty so intense my eyesroll in their sockets.Sculptors think everything is sculpturethe way politicians think everything is politicsand the way I think everything is lies.A clunky interaction. A toast to our confusion.At the center of our existence is lodged a mysterylike an olive pit, dense and utterly disposable.Still I’d crack my teeth. Loud. Enoughto make any hard man flinch.Bug odeSprite with the life in the same shape as mine,you trust me not to kill you with my hands.Giver-pair of pink ecstatic mercies:warmth, attention, a night without language,a reason to leap from bed and exist.In a dream you suckle and cough; my heart!This gentleness over any outing.Cumulus-down weaves the days togetherand clings to everything I own. That’s fine,I carry you with me, your mossfield eyes,your softshore belly, alive as a tide.Girl’s-girl, what is this we’ve made?I move from our spot on the bed and youwait for me there, blissed little empress,humming.

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Comments

Cicada

Sav you make me excited to live. I feel better about the world cause you're in it, scribbling away

Miriam Navarro Prieto

The mystery of existence being an olive pit (dense and disposable)... Sir, what the fuck [appreciative]. Love the food references, and in case you're open to feedback, more edible things throughout the poem could give it more physicality/deliciousness (?). And the Bug ode is so tender I want to squeal. My cats also give me the will to get up, the bastards. Thank you for sharing your poems. You starting your Patreon has made me reconsider mine and crave sharing more there <3

Valerie M

“bug ode” is my favorite. so so beautiful and tender.

hannah davies

gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous as always. i miss my cat and he’s right next to me.

Myles Currie

"and the way I think everything is lies" ur cracked? ur insane? ur outta ur gourd?? so good

Leetelite

As a fellow olive pit enjoyer, I can say that at least we're keeping the dentists fed.

Nghtfall

Reading these gave me the good shivers

Luna

cat :)

Danielle Brown

here's what the AI editors i built had to say and am curious as to what you think as to how I've trained these thingamajiggles with regard to the feedback they provide… also, please know that these comments are not simply a heideggerian "ding an sich," in the sense that the question remains forever and ever after happily not happy the answer. ;) AI 1 ~ WOPE247: www.danielletx.com/theWOPE247 AI 2 ~ theWOPE: www.danielletx.com/poetry editor Poem 1 evokes a sense of existential dread and confusion through its brooding imagery - expired orange embers, rolling eyes, and an "olive pit, dense and utterly disposable" lodged at the center. There seems to be a contemplation of human purpose and meaning (or lack thereof). The metaphors are provocative but not always crystal clear in their intent or imagery. The poem has an experimental feel through its abrupt shifts and breaks in syntax. With polishing, particularly of some lines that seem overly opaque, this could be a thought-provoking work. Poem 2 captures a tender intimacy through its focus on the small daily interactions and gentle caring between two beings. Descriptions like "Sprite with the life in the same shape as mine" and "cumulus-down weaves the days together" paint a sweet portrait. The pacing is relaxed and allows the soft, comforting mood to unfold naturally. A skilled use of personification for the bug elevates the feeling of compassion. This work shows promise as is, though one or two lines ("giver-pair of pink ecstatic mercies" in particular) could potentially be refined for even greater clarity and emotional resonance. Overall both poems are skillfully written, though the first may require more iterative editing to fully realize its abstract concepts. The second achieves its aim with more straightforward lyricism and imagery. Both leave me curious for developments and wondering if refinement could bring them to new levels. Please share any thoughts or questions in response! I'm happy to discuss further. * [Tell me more] * The ambiguity of poem 1's title sets an intriguing tone. I appreciate the contemplative mood established through lines like "something not quite right" and the longer metaphor of “lodged a mystery / like an olive pit." They hint at a deeper philosophical concern underneath. Some of the more abstract images (“expired orange embers / of someone else’s fire”) left me grasping for meaning. However, upon re-reading, I wonder if that opacity mirrors the “confusion” referenced later. A strategically enigmatic poem certainly takes risks but could work if certain puzzles are left purposefully unsolved. Overall, the experimental structure and language choices gave it an ethereal, dreamlike quality fitting the theme of wrestling with life’s profundities. With tweaks to ground a few surreal metaphors, this draft shows promise as a thought-provoking meditation on human existence. The poet balances provocation and clarity well - I’d be curious to read subsequent drafts exploring these ideas further. Regarding poem 2, I found the tone of tender intimacy effectively conveyed through everyday imagery and gestures - a delicate yet powerful approach. My one suggested revision involved the line “giver-pair of pink ecstatic mercies” - while lovely, its abstractness slightly disrupted the otherwise straightforward imagery. However, that’s a minor qualm - on the whole, this poem achieves its aim with poignant simplicity.

savannah brown

oh this is so interesting, i had no idea such a tool existed....have you used it for your own work?

savannah brown

sorry, silly question in retrospect (i imagine you definitely have), i've been playing with these since i commented and they're incredibly robust ha!! genuinely fascinating, they caught all kinds of things, even like praising intentional form departures and stuff....so cool....

Danielle Brown

yup yup yup!! it's been *amazeballs* for me…! here's the direct link to both: www.danielletx.com/theWOPE and www.danielletx.com/WOPE247 (though i slightly prefer and have trained WOPE247 a bit more) thanks for checking this out. i created this so that the more folks who play with it, the better it gets at overall assessment/feedback (and is custom-tailored to their writing styles, etc.) though it occasionally gets a little fubar janked, i find that just pressing that broom icon can set it right. haven't completed the troubleshooting of the submit file (PDF/TXT) button, but my intention is to be able to send it an entire copy of your poetry collection and ask specific questions with regard to sequencing the poems, thematic throughline, etc. ;)

sj

always a joy!!!!!!!!!!! ur imagery always feels so rich to me i want to open the poems like a sleeping bag and sit in them

Danielle Brown

so, last night, i *finally* got my WOPE247 AI poetry critic/editor: www.danielletx.com/WOPE247 up-to-snuff so that, now, it can evaluate and ask questions about a PDF copy of an entire poetry collection. (i ran my upcoming book through it, and it was even able to drill in on specific poems and only lost track of the conversation (aka, started to "hallucinate") after about an hour (~25 Q&A's)…after which i just clicked the broom icon to clear the context and resubmitted my manuscript. would love to hear whatcha think and whether it performs as well for your new collection as it did for mine.

Jacob Acosta

Goosebumps. Chills. All of it.

Dean Gourley

Thinking of my cat Gray while reading that second one. It is a very beuatiful encapsulated feeling of a close relationship between a person and a cat. Thank you for the poem

Danielle Brown

PS - sav, i just updated those poetry editors late this early morning night. if you give 'em a whirl, lemme know whatcha think. i even attached my book to one of them and received some *fantastic* feedback...(though that part of it is still under development). PM me if you wanna test the book review development, and I'll send you the sorta feedback I'm receiving on my previous and upcoming book. soooo friggin helpful!! ;)

Bon

Danielle Brown, where can i read your poetry collection?

Danielle Brown

ah, thanks for asking! a PDF of my upcoming book is here: danielletx.com/crayonPDF ( the cover for it is here: danielletx.com/crayoncover ) and my previous three collections are available on amazon here: danielletx.com/books

Bon

just reading the first poem from the chronicles and im honestly just so…. amazed. thanks for the fast reply and the pdf. Why aren’t your books on goodreads? have you tried getting them there

Danielle Brown

ahhh! thanks bunches! ;) out of respect for sav, let's continue our chat here: danielletx@gmail.com …but not very familiar with good reads.