Midnight Pals: Trapdoor Spiders (Patreon)

Fletcher Pratt: i'd like to welcome you all to the first meeting of the No Mildreds Club Mildred Baldwin: hey what are you boys doing in here Pratt: um excuse me Pratt: [pointing at sign] sorry mildred

Pratt: first order of business for the NO MILDREDS Club Pratt: the chair recognizes isaac asimov Isaac Asimov: yes can we change the name? Asimov: its a little on the nose Pratt: well what would you call it? Asimov: how about Asimov: the trapdoor spiders

[meanwhile] Poe: hey did you guys hear about this Trapdoor Spiders club? Poe: seems really exclusive King: whys it called that? Barker: its a sex act Poe: no its not cliveBarker: be a lot cooler if it was

King: so what is it? Poe: its a male eating club Barker: haha well i know all about that Poe: no clive it's not that kind of male eating CB Blanchard: i know all about that Poe: it's not that either

King: so it's an exclusive club for boys? Patricia Highsmith: sounds fun. maybe i'll stop by Poe: oh sorry patricia it's men only Highsmith: yeah i think they'll let me in Poe: Poe: yeah i don't know why but that scans Barker: yeah that really does doesn't it? Highsmith: you know, chat with the boys, hang a few laughs, maybe chase a skirt

Franz Kafka: can i join? Poe: King: Koontz: Lovecraft: Barker: Barker: i'm going to tell her Poe: no clive Poe: the prime directive Barker: that's stupid Barker: i'm going to do it

Barker: we need to get into this club King: well gosh clive it's invite only King: and they're sci fi guys King: i don't know that we have any horror guys in that you could ask Dean Koontz: there's theodore sturgeon Barker: why yes Barker: there IS theodore sturgeon Barker: dean, you're a genius Koontz: i helped :)

Theodore Sturgeon: [wearing lab coat, holding erlenmeyer flask] behold it is i Sturgeon: theodore sturgeon Sturgeon: critical thinker and seeker of knowledge Sturgeon: excelsior!

Barker: hey theo Barker: i wanna ask a favor Sturgeon: speak, fellow science fan!

Barker: so Sturgeon: [scribbling equations on chalkboard] silence, clive! i'm almost at a break-through Sturgeon: soon, if my calculations are correct Sturgeon: i shall soon perfect Sturgeon's Revelation Sturgeon: or perhaps even Sturgeon: Sturgeon's law

Barker: Barker: yeah so anyway Sturgeon: eureka! I've found it Sturgeon: by my calculations Sturgeon: 80% of everything is crud Sturgeon: wait a second Sturgeon: 90%. 90% of everything is crud Sturgeon: sorry, forgot to carry the one

Barker: yeah ok i'm gonna leave you to Barker: whatever the hell all this is Sturgeon: scientific progress! Sturgeon: behold! the fruits of science! Sturgeon: a marvel of modern technology! Sturgeon: i'm building a killdozer

Sturgeon: behold! the killdozer! Sturgeon: bullet proof glass. Touchscreen gear shift. Sturgeon: and the steering wheel is a squircle

Sturgeon: the killdozer can cross water up to 2.5 feet deep Sturgeon: but also um you shouldn't get it wet Barker: Sturgeon: especially don't back it into a lake or something

Barker: you scientists are always so busy asking whether you CAN build a killdozer, you never stop to ask whether you SHOULD build a killdozer Barker: cuz that thing looks like shit Barker: like it really looks like shit

Sturgeon: you think i'm smart? you should see my brother peter Sturgeon: you know mensa? Barker: i've heard of it Sturgeon: he's so smart he FOUNDED it Barker: yeah? is he a member? Sturgeon: Sturgeon: i don't know

Barker: so you're pretty smart huh? Peter Sturgeon: [levitating, enormous saucer person head throbbing] Heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Peter Sturgeon: all morons!