Midnight Pals: Bluebeard (Patreon)

Anna Biller: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of bluebeard's castleBiller: it's about a woman trapped at a secluded castle under the thumb of a mysterious and dangerous nobleman with dark family secertsBiller: but with a feminist twistBiller: the twist is gender essentialism

Angela Carter: that's hardly feminist, annaCarter: now, when i retold bluebeard-Biller: oh you say that now angelaBiller: but i got a secret weapon no woman can resistBiller: detailed lists of luxury fashion brands

Biller: did i mention this lady has a prada hat, a valentino dress, and dior boots?Biller: chanel, armani, versaceBiller: those names won't mean anything to you menBiller: but to us ladiesBiller: oh damn phewww is it hot in here or is it just me?

Biller: in fact, girls, i feel the sudden need...Biller: to go SHOPPING!!!Tabitha King: shopping!!!?!Sonia Greene: eeeee!! shopping!??!!Angela Carter: shopping!?!?Biller: we're all going to the mall!!!!

Patricia Highsmith: ugh passBiller: what's the matter, patricia? no interest in a girls night out?Biller: i thinkBiller: someone needs a make-over!!!

Mary Shelley: sup fuckersShelley: what's this, you tellin a gothic story?Biller: what? it's not gothic!Biller: it's simply a novel that makes use of class story telling techniques of brooding fear, isolation, and dark secretsBiller: and if you think that makes it gothicBiller: well i just don't know WHAT to tell you

Shelley: so it's not a gothic story?Biller: no it simply makes use of classic techniquesShelley: is this like how the love witch wasn't a pasticheBiller: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN PASTICHEShelley: it's a pasticheBiller: SHUT UP!!Biller: whatever happened to sister solidarity!?

Biller: now my work asks, why do women stay with abusive men?Angela Carter: interestingBiller: could it be because it's kinda hot?Carter:Carter: uhhh

Angela Carter: but anna! what about feminism?!Biller: don't criticize me!Biller: i did it for YOU, all for you!!Biller: sure, your guilty feminist conscience may force you to dote on sensitive new age guys but you know deep down you secretly long for a hot-tempered he-man to slap you around, pull your hair, and rule you like a king!!!

Edward Lee: broLee: broLee: i'm gonna tame this fillyBarker: yeah good luck with thatLee: naw naw it's coolLee: i like em spicy

Lee: yeah babe i getcha, i hear the love witch was a pasticheBiller: IT'S NOT A PASTICHELee: yeah it's a pasticheBiller: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN PASTICHE!!!Lee: [to Barker] this is called negging, bro, works every time

Biller: UGH YOU MENBiller: you're all the same!!Biller: arrogant! bull-headed!Biller: god why can't i quit you?!?