Midnight Pals: Harry Potter series (Patreon)

JK Rowling: hello childrenRowling: i have exciting newssssRowling: there's a new harry potter sseriesss coming out!Rowling: you all ssstill love harry potter, don't you?

Rowling: i hope you're all ready for the gloriousss new age of harry potterRowling: now that the falssse tyrannical doctrine of tolerance has been defeated, i don't need to kowtow to your oppressssive woke sssensssibilitiesss!Rowling: i'm excissing all the filthy Irishmen from the narrative!Rowling: also the goblinss are really jewssRowling: i'm jusst ssaying it now, why not

Barker: is Dumbledore still gay?Rowling:Rowling: one ssecond, i'll checkRowling: [adjusting a big dial marked "queerphobia" and looking back at the audience for approval]

Rowling: john lithgow will ssstarBarker: oh really? i didn't know he was transphobicRowling: He better be!! or hisss assss iss outta there!Rowling: i have a very ssspecific visssion

Rowling: unfortunately i wrote the harry potter booksss when i wass young and foolishRowling: they're all about fighting a fasscist genocidal dictatorRowling: but back then i never sstopped to consider all the good that a fasscist genocidal dictator could do

Rowling: if you think about it, there's some good things about fasscismBarker: oh yeah? name oneRowling: i'll do better than that! i'll name three!Barker: iBarker: ok not gonna lie i wasn't expecting this level of enthusiasm

Rowling: ok! three good thingss fasscism did!Rowling: firsst one is obvioussRowling: you know what i'm going to ssayKing: oh god joanne nowKing: please no

King: [crying while pointing gun at gryffindor scarf] don't make me do this, joanne, i'm begging you