Midnight Pals: Gruffaloed (Patreon)

[at a scottish castle] JK Rowling's agent: hey jk i uh have some news Rowling: ahhh cynthia! Rowling: its been a really long time sssince we did a bit with you Rowling: bringing back the classssicsss i sssee

JK Rowling: itsss jusst another fine day of being the mossst beloved writer in the UK [agent whispers in Rowling's ear] Rowling: what? oh Rowling: well Rowling: at leasst itss jussst another fine day of being the besst sselling writer in the UK agent:

agent: actually joanne there's a bit of bother with the 'best selling author' status thing Rowling: a bit of bother? agent: yes just a bit agent: barely a bit agent: more like a spot of bother

agent: it seems that you are no longer the best selling author in the UK Rowling: what agent: yeah it seems that julia donaldson is now the best selling author in the UK Rowling: WHAT

Rowling: how can thissss be?! Rowling: julia donaldssson sssellsss more booksss than me? Rowling: but sssurely not by agent: yes by volume Rowling: BY VOLUME!?!? Rowling: MY EMPIRE CRUMBLESS AROUND ME >:C

Rowling: sssso Rowling: thisss ssso-called julia donaldssson sssellsss more bookss than me? agent: i'm afraid so Rowling: thiss iss missogyny agent: Rowling: hass anyone insspected this julia donaldssonss genitalss? agent: uhh Rowling: i mean ssomeone really should Rowling: to enssure fairnesss

Rowling: how iss thisss happening? Rowling: do people not remember that i wrote harry potter thirty yearss ago? Rowling: the mossst beloved bookss of 1997-2007!! Rowling: i made your parentsss childhoodsss magical!!!

Rowling: ok ok thiss iss not a problem Rowling: i'll ssimply write a NEW sseriess of universsally beloved bookss Rowling: perhapss about a detective who hangss out with rich people in fancy resstaurantsss

agent: i don't know that people will find a detective who hangs out with rich people in fancy restaurants very relatable Rowling: itss relatable to me!! Rowling: i mean my god what elsse would you do with your time?

Rowling: ok FINE Rowling: i'll make thisss detective relatable to the LOWLY BOOK PURCHASSING COMMONER Rowling: thatss no problem, i certainly haven't losst touch with the common man Rowling: ok um Rowling: Rowling: what if the detective alsso had really bad gasss?

Julia Donaldson: [kicking in door] YO YO YO DONALDSON IN DA HOUSE!!!! Donaldson: GET GRUFFALOED, BITCH!!! [blows airhorn in rowling's face] Rowling: this isss the mosst public of my many public embarrasssmentsss