Midnight Pals: Mormon Space Whales (Patreon)

[space coven]Eric James Stone: submitted for the approval of space coven, I call this the tale of the swalesStone: you might even call itStone: a swale of a taleStone: ha ha ha

Stone: so there's a race of impossibly ancient, impossibly gigantic beings made of pure plasma discovered living in the flaming nuclear heart of the sunStone: they're called sun whalesStone: orStone: for shortStone: swalesHG Wells: niceJules Verne: haha i get itVerne: short for sun whale

Stone: of course this is a real sea change for humanityStone: the big question is how will this affect mormonism

HG Wells: yes interesting, such a discovery would definitely challenge the core tenets of a faithL Ron Hubbard: not my faithWells: no of course notWells: not your faith

Wells: but still, discovering impossibly old, god-like aliens would present some real challenges to a religionStone: yeahStone: like how do we convert them?Wells: that wasn't really what i had in mind

Stone: it's gonna be hard to send missionaries to the sunStone: you need more than a bicycle helmet to protect you from 5000 degrees K

Stone: anyway there's a mormon guy in the sun colonyStone: and he has managed to convert a few of these impossibly ancient, impossibly huge fire aliens to mormonismHG Wells:Jules Verne:Stone: through cunning arguments and moral reasoning

Stone: now the sun scientists don't like that he's converting the swalesStone: the scientists are all "boo! hiss! you're contaminating the swales with your silly mormon fairy tales! only the cold logic of soulless science is permitted!"Stone: but don't worryStone: [glancing at CTR ring] we'll fix that

Stone: here's the problem, the swales don't have a taboo against rape in their cultureStone: so when a swale in this guy's congregation gets rapedStone: it's really a great opportunity to proselytize

Stone: the scientist is all "boo! hiss! you can't introduce sexual shame to the swales!"Stone: but this mormon guy is determinedStone: the swales only respect one thingStone: and that's girthStone: they're all major size queens

Stone: it turns out that in swale society, if you're older, larger and more powerful you can can freely sexually abuse younger smaller more vulnerable peopleStone: well, we don't stand for that sort of thing in the LDS!Verne:Wells:Stone: i mean in theory

Stone: so the mormon goes to the biggest swaleStone: if he can get THIS swale on board with sex taboos, then the rest will followStone: maybe he can get them to do soaking insteadStone: or just look at bubble porn

Stone: and the mormon is all "you think you're pretty big"Stone: "but you know what's bigger than you?"Stone: "the love of mormon God"Stone: and the biggest swale is all "wow, you've given me a lot to think about"

Stone: at the end of the day, the biggest swale doesn't convertStone: but the big swale is so impressed by the mormon guy's plucky tenacityStone: that she declares that no swale should rape a mormon swale from now onStone: they can only rape unaffiliated swalesStone: so that's a real win

Stone: so anyway we've had a lot of fun todayStone: [sitting on chair backwards] but maybe now we can "rap" a little about "the good news"Stone: i've got some pamphlets