Midnight Pals: Heinous Losers (Patreon)

[mysterious campfire of robed figures]JK Rowling: hello childrenRowling: i have a new tasssk for youRowling: and thisss isss one that even a gaggle of buffoonsss like you can accomplishRowling: i'm looking at you allissssonAllison Bailey: [sweating, clutching briefcase]

Rowling: desspite our iron grip on all the leversss of powerRowling: people sstill think that we're a bunch of weird losssersssRowling: judging usss for our very normal dessire to inssspect peopless junkJesse Singal: and childrens junk too, don't forget that mommyRowling: of coursse i wouldn't forget that jessssseRowling: inspecting childrenss junk is the most important part

Rowling: as you know, pedro pascal called me a heinous loserKathleen Stock: a monstrous slur, dark lord!Stock: why, someone should turn him into a blueberry for that!Rowling:Stock: don't you think? i mean don't you think?Rowling:

Rowling: why is blueberrification always your go to thingStock: i just thinkStock: i just think it would be interestingStock: a big round sexy blueberryAllison Bailey: [briefcase flies open, spaghetti explodes out]Bailey: i'm sorry i'm sorryBailey: i tried to hold it inBailey: i really did

Rowling: i want you to start a smear campaign against pedro passcalRowling: i know that sstrangely our extermination campaign against an unpopular minority hassn't endeared uss to the publicRowling: but i'm certain that a bullying campaign against a popular actor will be different

Rowling: the people will have to choosssseRowling: who do they love more -- pedro pascal or jk rowling?Rowling: i'm pretty confidentRowling: how could anyone NOT choosse me?Rowling: i made your insssufferable millenial parentss' childhoodss magical, after all!

Allison Bailey: b-but dark lord! pedro pascal... he is friend to all children!Rowling: bah!Jesse Singal: he is beloved all the world over!Rowling: Feh!Kathleen Stock: he would be so sexy as a blueberryRowling:

Rowling: again with the blueberriesRowling: why are you on about the blueberriesssRowling: i don't like when we talk about booksss that i didn't writeRowling: you should be talking about harry potter, the only relevant book every writtenRowling: which you did read, right?Stock: iRowling: it was required reading for entry into the circleStock:Rowling: oh my god did you not read it

Stock: iStock: i liked the scene with aunt margeRowling: huh, that's funny, mosst of my terf deatheaterss like the bit with the goblinss bessstRowling: ohRowling: oh waitRowling: oh that's grossStock: nooo don't look at me, dark lord!Bailey: [crying, gathering up spaghetti] i'm cleaning it up i'm cleaning it up don't be mad dark lord