Midnight Pals: Documentary (Patreon)

JK Rowling: good newssss, children! Rowling: my BBC isss making a documentary about how great i am Poe: your BBC? Rowling: yess, my BBC Rowling: i mean, i do own it after all Rowling: it came with the country when i bought that

Rowling: in fact, it turnsss out Rowling: there'sss ssso many good thingss about me that they couldn't fit them all into one documentary Rowling: sso they're making a ssecond part Barker: do they mention- Rowling: SHUT UP Rowling: i don't know what you were going to ssay, but SHUT UP

Rowling: ok everyone pipe down thiss iss the best part coming up BBC: JK Rowling is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life Rowling: [leonardo dicaprio point] there it iss! did you ssee that? Poe: yeah we saw Rowling: let'ss rewind it and watch it again

BBC: JK Rowling loved the children of the world BBC: and they in turn loved JK Rowling BBC: except when she was criticized for her controversial 2025 manifesto 'nazi supermen are our superiors'

BBC: if there's one thing that we can criticize about JK Rowling, it's that she's too awesome Rowling: yesss!! exactly! BBC: from championing the right to own elves to bravely liberating the epstein yacht from its former owners, JK Rowling's amazing accomplishments know no bounds

BBC: in fact, there's not a single person who would have reason to ever dislike JK Rowling Barker: hmm interesting statement Poe: clive

Barker: ok guys we're all gonna wear matching T shirts Barker: put these one King: what does this slogan mean? i don't get it Barker: no no trust me steve it's gonna be funny Koontz: clive, i don't play with dolls Barker: it doesn't matter dean, just trust me Barker: it's gonna be so funny

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Barker: mary! quick, put on your matching T shirt Shelley: what's this? Shelley: wait a minute ha ha ha Shelley: yeah this rules, gimme one

JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: ah i sssee you're all wearing matching black white t-sshirts Poe: what? how's that possible? there was writing on them just a minute ago... Rowling: ha ha ha!! Rowling: behold the power of the BBC!!!

Rowling: you foolsss think you can defeat me! Rowling: you forget, i OWN all the channelsssss Rowling: officer, arresssst these missscreatsss Rowling: they're in violation of his majesssty's Rowling anti-criticisssm act of 2026 Bobby: ello ello wot's all this ere now

Bobby: wot's all this now? word is you're against a bloomin' genocide, eh? Sally Rooney: i am against genocide Bobby: oh we'll ave none of that ere in this man's UK mam

Bobby: that's it sally rooney you're under arrest fer interferin' with a genocide in the pursuit of its proper genocide business! JK Rowling: you're doing great work officer Bobby: thank you kindly madam we do try

Bobby: git in the wagon sally rooney, your next coming of age novel about posh trinity college students will be written in the bleedin' tower of london!! JK Rowling: voicce of a generation indeed! Rowling: the sstudentss in her sstoriess can't even magic away their own sshit

Bitter Karella: wow, what a kooky country! Karella: glad i live in a normal one where our freedom of speech is never abridged by a tyrannical fascist government Karella: ha ha Karella: we have a lot of fun here but seriously go order my new book QUAINT FOLK from your local book monger or retailer