Midnight Pals: Joanne's Plan (Patreon)

JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: ssso i underssstand that you all really like dolly parton Poe: joanne please don't Rowling: SSILENCCCCE! Rowling: thisss isssn't over, edgar! Rowling: it will never be over! Rowling: not until you all love me jusst like you love your beloved dolly parton!!! Poe:

Rowling: sso you all think dolly parton iss sssso great Poe: seriously, joanne, this happened a month ago Rowling: wow edgar talking over women much? Rowling: jussst like a transsss, issn't it? Poe: i'm not Rowling: you're all transss! Rowling: everyone isss transs! Rowling: you're all againssst me!

Rowling: anyway Rowling: i've decided to reform to be like dolly parton in every way Edward Lee: bro Lee: bro!! Rowling: not that way Lee: [sad] bro

Rowling: by being like dolly parton in every way, i meant Rowling: whatsss the one thing that everyone loved about dolly parton? Edward Lee: her boobs, bro Rowling: no, besides that Lee: but bro!Lee: did you see them? Lee: they were like so big!

Lee: bro, like, dolly parton's jaboohoobies were like Lee: i mean they were SO BIG Lee: they had to be like Lee: bro i can't even imagine Lee: like almost D cup Lee: the biggest size that exists Poe: jaboohoobies? Lee: yeah bro jaboohoobies

Rowling: i'm ssspeaking of the other reasson that people liked dolly parton Poe: her incredible generosity of spirit? Rowling: yessss, that Rowling: in that sssame ssspirit, i'm donating the first harry potter book to literary programs Rowling: sso remember Rowling: the firssst one iss free, kidss

Rowling: ha ha ha my cunning plan reaches fruition Rowling: once the children are hooked on harry potter Rowling: they'll only want more, more, MORE Rowling: and then they'll need the hard ssstuff Rowling: cormorant ssstrike! Rowling: ha ha ha!

Barker: so your plan hinges on the first harry potter being so good that kids have to read the whole series? Rowling: it worked before Barker: uh huh Barker: in the 90s Barker: today's kids are different, joanne Barker: look at joe Joe Hill: i love spinning fidgets and buying widgets

Rowling: bah! harry potter is a timeless tale! Rowling: it will sstill appeal to today'sss kidss Rowling: and if it doesssn't Rowling: i know a certain government that'ss going to be getting a call Rowling: the UK government Poe: but joanne Rowling: they work for me!!

JK Rowling: hello today's children Rowling: can i interessst you in a harry potter? Rowling: itss a rollicking adventure sstory about a gender conforming boy who lovess sssport

Joe Hill: i only read stories about my blorbo Grady Hendrix: [doing sick flip on skateboard] how much RAM megaherz computer does it have Dean Koontz: i need content warnings on every page, just in case a dog dies. and if there is a dog in it, then i want to be able to pet it

JK Rowling: confound it!!! Rowling: thessse modern children will be the death of me!! Barker: ha ha Rowling: SHUT UP