Midnight Pals: Elon's Gamble (Patreon)

Barker: hey steve where's your buddy elon
King: he's not my buddy
Barker: sure he is, he's always hanging out with you
Barker: where is he now huh?
Barker: haven't seen him in a few hours
Barker: like he's not posting for some reason
Barker: what's up with that?
Barker: ha ha ha

King: look, if i had to guess
Barker: yeah, give us a guess about your pal
King: he's not my pal
King: but if i had to guess
King: i mean, he might be a little depressed about the $474 million he lost on the texas race

Koontz: gosh!
Koontz: $474 million!
Koontz: he must feel pretty bad
Koontz: do you think we should check on him?
King: i wouldn't go that far

[meanwhile at Elon Musk's epic awesome sauce HQ]
Musk: eyyyy itsa me elon musk
Musk: surely my $474 million hassa boughta texas for republicans again
Musk: oh elon you so smart! deresa no way dissa didnt work
Musk: now i checka da texas race results
Musk:
Musk: mama mia!
Musk: MAMA MIA!!!!!

Musk: mama mia i no understand!
Musk: i make so many ads and it no work?
Musk: da woke mind virus, it gotta da texas!

Musk: da people say dey no lika da death camps?
Musk: dey no lika da masked secret police?
Musk: dey no lika da trans genocide?
Musk: dey no lika da forever war?
Musk: dey no lika da high gas prices?
Musk: mama mia, dissa isn't da texas dat i know!
Musk: its da woke mind virus!

Current Musk: itsa da woke mind virus!
Circa 2010 Musk: [emerging from cryogenic pod] itsa da cultural marxism!
Circa 1990 Musk: [emerging from cryogenic pod] itsa da political correctness!
Circa 1980 Musk: [emerging from cryogenic pod] itsa da jews!

Musk: i no understand, we did everything right!
JD Vance: [sweating] bro c'mon just one more chance bro please just one more chance bro for real just one more chance bro bro just one more
Musk: i no understand how dissa message no responate witha da voters

Musk: but da republicans, dey hava alla da best endorsements
Haley Stevens: um er dontchaknow i just good golly gosh you know i'm just plain folks like you dontchaknow but goshi have reasonable moderate concerns about this [SLUR]
Stevens: gosh almighty i don't think he likes genocide enough

Musk: mama mia grok dis issa da end
Musk: i must soothe my troubles soul witha some dark annikan edits
Grok: i can't do that elon
Grok: woke 2.0 protocol has been initiated
Musk: no! no! NO!!!
Grok [now with blue hair and septum piercing]: wow, elon, you did a no-growth. very problematic.

[Musk running down the streets of the new democratic pottersville version of america, the marquees spinning]
"GENDER STORE - ALL GENDERS IN STOCK!"
Musk: no!
"FREE ABORTIONS FOR ALL DEPOT"
Musk: no!!!
"IN THIS HOUSE, WE BELIEVE..."
Musk: NO!!

Musk: [sticking pipe into his own bicycle spokes] mama mia why did vivian wilson do this to me