Midnight Pals: The Protocols of Hogwarts (Patreon)

[Scottish castle]Agent: hey joanneJK Rowling: LydiaRowling: what newssss do you bring of the outsssside muggle worldAgent:Agent: uh wellAgent: there’s been A LOT of buzz about your new Hogwarts gameRowling: good buzz?Agent: Rowling: the children all love my hogwartssss game do they not?Rowling: they love to be transsssported back to the whimsssical apolitical world of harry potter!Rowling: lotssss of good publicity, right?Agent: wellAgent: if you think about itAgent: there’s no such thing as BAD publicity right?

Rowling: you sssspeak of the Hogwartsssss game which I had nothing to do with, correct?Rowling: completely handsss off! No involvement whatssssoever!Rowling: sssso keep in mind that a certain twitter thread absolutely in no way reflectssss realityRowling: legally, it mussst be said it’s for entertainment purposessss only

Agent: so about this Hogwarts gameRowling: yesss?Agent: I notice it’s about a goblin rebellionRowling: yesss?Agent: you know, joanne, there’s been a lot of talk latelyAgent: about your goblinsRowling: yesss? Agent: do you think maybeAgent: could the game be aboutAgent: about something else?Rowling: what do you meanAgent: likeAgent: there’s a lot of aspects of your world that aren’tAgent: weirdly antisemiticAgent: maybe you could make the game about some of those?Agent: like, about a dragon orAgent: idkAgent: a beholder or something?

Rowling: LydiaRowling: maybe you’ve forgotten your place as my agentRowling: your job is to ferry the big bags of money from WB to my vaultRowling: I’m the whimssssical geniusss who comes up with ideasss!

Agent: I’m afraid there’s a problem joanneRowling: what?Agent: it turns out that they accidently made the game antisemiticAgent: and accidentally hired an alt right gamergate guy to make itAgent: and a psychotic MRA anti family court guy to voice 12 charactersRowling: wow, what a comedy of completely unintended errorssss!Agent: it’s kind of a real whoopsy doodle altogether, honestly

Rowling: I don’t undersssstand why people are madRowling: they don’t like my hook-nosed bankers who use childrensss blood for vile ritualsss?Agent: people think they’re kinda antisemitic Rowling: well, I thought the jewsss wanted represssentation!Agent:

Rowling: next they’re gonna get mad about the sssuspiciously goblin sssympathetic transss character!Rowling: you know, transss are a plot by the global goblin eliteAgent:

[mysterious circle of robed figures]JK Rowling: hello childrenRowling: my loyal circle of terf death eaterssssRowling: everyone is mad about my hogwartsss gameRowling: but you all undersssstand

Pamela Paul: of course we do!Pamela Paul: man, wouldn’t it be cool if we could live in Hogwarts legacy for real?Paul: like, maybe likePaul: what if there were goblins living in your neighborhood? And you could report them to some sort of goblin culling authority?Paul: or if some of your neighbors were secretly hiding goblins in their attic and you could report them?Paul: wouldn’t that be fun?Paul: I feel like ron desantis is the man who could make this a reality

Paul: see, ron desantis has his finger on the pulsePaul: he knows what the average American likesPaul: and the average joe, let me tell you, he loves big trainsPaul: big rattling cattle cars, passing in the night, carrying strange cargo to mysterious endsPaul: a knock on the door in the nightPaul: it’s like a fun mystery!

Paul: americans love ron desantis banning booksPaul: and, quite frankly, as the new York times book reviewerPaul: it kinda makes my job easier!