Midnight Pals: Penguins on Parade (Patreon)

Edgar Allan Poe: i feel like there's been way too much drama here latelyPoe: too many cranks just venting obsessions and paranoias!Poe: can't we just hear a nice, simple, old-fashioned horror story?HP Lovecraft: i-i've got onePoe: ...son of a bitch

Poe: ok howard let's hear itAugust Derleth: wooo! yeah! Derleth: go off Howard, you got this!Lovecraft: y-yeah okDerleth: a-grade storytelling, right here! modern master!

Lovecraft: a premise occurred to me one night while in the throes of fitful sleepDerleth: yes! yes! tossing and turning! sweat that plot outLovecraft: about an ill-fated expedition to the AntarcticDerleth: cold as ice! chilly like my willy, babyLovecraft: p-please stop

Poe: ah, the South PolePoe: a promising location for a doomed voyagePoe: not to spoil anything butPoe: they all drown in the magnetic whirlpool, right?Lovecraft:Poe: that resides at the bottom of the world, right?Lovecraft:Poe: perhaps they're slaughtered by hostile peoples of the inner earth?

Lovecraft: n...Lovecraft: no, there's a continent therePoe: oh, fantasy! fun!

Lovecraft: even the beginning of this terrible journey is fraught with perilLovecraft: for they must encounter that most loathsome of all birdsLovecraft: THE PENGUINClive Barker:Barker: ah ha haBarker: oh manBarker: let's fucking go, curtain up

Dean Koontz: i like penguins :)Koontz: stephen let me watch happy feetKoontz: it was funnyKoontz: except for the sealStephen King: we had to fast-forward past the sealKing: and the orcasKing: pretty much the entire second halfKoontz: i like when they dance

Lovecraft: b-but these are no ordinary penguinsLovecraft: the average penguin is black AND whiteLovecraft: a hideous mixture in itselfLovecraft: yet these massive creatures are ALBINO

Lovecraft: so pale as to be mistaken for snowdrifts at a distanceLovecraft: you might say they are passing for whitePoe: uhhDerleth: shhh, let him cook

Lovecraft: t-the group found a perplexing frozen specimenLovecraft: i-it was only when they discovered the ruins later that they realized it was a being of great intelligence Lovecraft: for, you see,Lovecraft: the thing had no skull to measure

Lovecraft: millions of years ago, the Old Ones flourished upon the continent Lovecraft: they built a society dedicated to pure scientific achievementLovecraft: yet, in the cruelest ironyLovecraft: they were overwhelmed by sheer brute strengthBarker: lolBarker: get owned nerds

Lovecraft: i-it was a most grand civilizationLovecraft: accomplished universities. safe to slither the streets at nightLovecraft: and then a certain kind of creatureLovecraft: i shall not say whomLovecraft: took overLovecraft: and the property values... they plummeted

Derleth: okay look i'm getting a little sick of all of you calling Howard a bigotDerleth: i keep telling you he's simply a man of his timeLovecraft: the shoggoths were faceless slaves of the deepest black hueLovecraft: possessing a fiendish malevolence to compensate for their lack of a brainDerleth:Derleth: oh and i suppose you're just going to take THAT out of context

Lovecraft: most chilling of all the shoggoths' attributes was their infernal pipingLovecraft: it imitated the structure of the Old Ones' musicLovecraft: but it was as if they spoke rather than harmonized itLovecraft: and inserted coarse references to anatomy

Lovecraft: there were indeed some horrors in this houseLovecraft: and they were wet and gushyLovecraft: no bucket or mop would suffice

Lovecraft: they escaped with their lives, yet Danford was tormented by visions of the shoggoth unto madness Lovecraft: for knowledge of the unknown has a terrible price, and death and ignorance are our only merciesLovecraft: the endDerleth:Barker:Poe:Koontz:King: King: so, Dean, I have this DVD of Norm of the North

John W. Campbell: say, that's a pretty good yarn, but couldn't more happen with the shapeshiftingCampbell: what if the shoggoth was able to fully mimic its human preyCampbell: then the threat could be both external and internalLovecraft: a-a THING like that?Lovecraft: fully ASSIMILATED among men?Lovecraft: there is cosmic horror, sir, and then there is simply bad taste

(Thanks to guest writer my pal Morbiose for help with this thread!)