Midnight Pals: Fatality! (Patreon)

Ross Douthat: [wearing hat with PRESS tag] why are kids today so depressed?Douthat: I, Ross Douthat, serious thinker, take a hard look at the question in today's new york timesDouthat: because sometimes even the grey lady needs a break from cheerleading genocide

Douthat: could it be that they live in a soul-crushing panopticon with no hope for the future amid rising fascism, climate catastrophe and unchecked disease?Douthat: or it it beDouthat: cell phones?

Douthat: kids today, all they want to do is look at their cellphones!Douthat: and while i'm at itDouthat: [shaking fist at cloud]

Douthat: why are kids today so obsessed with cellphones?Joyce Carol Oates: maybe it's because you're a boring little bitchDouthat:Douthat:[FATALITY! appears on screen]

Poe: did you guys hear? Joyce bodied ross douthat!Barker: Joyce? our Joyce?Barker: Joyce Carol Oates?Poe: yeahBarker: damnKing: how's her foot doing?Poe: well she still has itPoe: so i imagine it must be doing better

Mary Shelley: sup fuckersPoe: joyce carol oates just killed ross douthatShelley: huhShelley: [putting away shiv] well guess i won't need this today