Midnight Pals: The Big Knish (Patreon)

John Baltisberger: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call thisBaltisberger: the tale of Schlomo Spade, Kosher DickLovecraft: [sweats] oh noLovecraft: [sweats] o h n o

Baltisberger: there’s also a kaiju involvedLovecraft: [stops sweating] oh goodBaltisberger: the kaiju is also jewishLovecraft: [sweating resumes] oh no Baltisberger: it was raining in the big Knish Baltisberger: the kind of rain that was thickBaltisberger: like matzo ball soup thickBaltisberger: Schlomo Spade was in his officeBaltisberger: when in walked troubleBaltisberger: trouble on a real pair of pulkes

Baltisberger: she was hysterical. Shiksa usually areBaltisberger: said she had a case for meBaltisberger: apparently a couple of dybbuks were making trouble up in schlamazeltownBaltisberger: “not my beat,” I said “get yourself a rebbe or maybe even a cohen”

Baltisberger: “I’m just a two-bit gumshoe slash exorcist slash ritual kabbalah magician”Baltisberger: “though my mother wanted me to be a doctor”

Baltisberger: schlomo spade get the call to investigate a new crimeBaltisberger: seems some nogudnik is taking big shits on torahs all over town Baltisberger: I’ve tangled with this schmuck beforeBaltisberger: zombie toilet jesusBaltisberger: [sucking on atmospheric cigarette] just another nittelnacht in the city

Lovecraft: i-iLovecraft: I don’t know what any of those words meanLovecraft: but their alien tonalities rasp on my delicate anglo-saxon ears like the croaks of an ItalianBaltisberger: well good newsBaltisberger: it’s not ItalianLovecraft: oh goodBaltisberger: now here’s the bad news

Lovecraft: I still don’t understand these wordsBaltisberger: don’t worry, I’ll footnote themBaltisberger: all of themLovecraft: oh no that’s too many footnotesMark Z Danielewski: you are¹⁸ like a little²³ baby⁵⁶ to me³⁴⁵⁶